A Little Resentment Creeping up on Me (Long)

1) Learning curve.

They didn't think yours was including them enough...

UNTIL they got a taste of what real exclusion looks like.

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2) Learning Curve

First Grandkid a LOT like a first child. Ya haven't worked out "how" its going to go, yet. It's all new, so there are a lot of mistakes made

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3) Boundaries & Expectations & Personality.

You and SIL sound like very different people. One benefit to being loud & opinionated is that people know what you want and what you feel. All the time. So she wanted space? She up and got her space. She wants help? She up and asked for it. Very little guessing with these types of people.

sounds like everybody, both sides, is waaaay overthinking everything.
khairete
S.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from!

I've had issues with my Inlaws since day one. Similar things. They misconstrued everything I did etc. Several things were happening on my end.
1. My husband's mom had trouble letting go of her little boy.
2. SIL was jealous of me so she badmouthed me.
3. My husband didn't want trouble, so he took his mom's side to her face and my side to my face and ended up causing MORE issues

However, I did not want a miserable life. These people will be in my life FOREVER. They are not bad people.

Honey, I have to tell you that you just have to vent (Vent to us! We don't care!) and then let it goooooooooo.

My SIL has everyone wrapped around her finger. My husband works his butt off and his parents won't give him a dime. But his sister has no job, her husband has barely a job, they have a little baby and they want MORE babies. They live in the basement. And she can get her mom to buy her ANYTHING she wants.

We just Let It Go. It's very freeing. Don't compare yourself to anyone in the family. Not worth it. Besides, if they're saying stuff about you, then of course they're saying stuff about SIL. What they DO is no indication of how they feel. They're probably acting all weird to her too, you just don't see it.

Good luck with your babies!

She's asking for help and she's getting help. You didn't ask, therefore you didn't.

Stop stirring over this and do things differently on your part this time. My MIL has always been "wierd" about things and I have come to realize that:
1. She doesn't know how to be a parent to an adult male. She's great with her daughter and those grandchildren, not so great with my husband and his twin (and our kids).
2. She is best when she feels "needed" so sometimes I create a "need" even when I don't "need anything" so that she will spend time with the kids.
3. When my parents are in town she will come over ONLY if invited because she doesn't want to interupt their time with us- they live very far away.

I've learned that if I need/want her help I have to ask. She has never and will never "volunteer".

You got it right when you said that's what you get for being the nice one.

Your SIL sounds like she has been able to stand up for herself and confront your in-laws about their inappropriate behavior. This has worked in her favor. This type of confrontation is not in your personality, so it will probably only make you feel worse.

Continue to put your foot down on issues that are important to you. And don't be so eager to please your in-laws. They sound like people that you should be limiting your time with. Make sure your husband is always on the same page with you and let him deal with his family as much as possible. You have every right to be upset. You can stir over it as much as you want, but the most helpful thing for you and your husband will be to come up with a plan for dealing with his family when your new baby arrives. Good luck!

My daughter, her husband and their 2 little ones live half a country away with her husband's family near by. Their 2 children are the first grandchildren on both sides (& yes, I miss them all every single day). Unfortunately, although his parents have been wonderfully supportive for the past few years, they were very uncomfortable helping and caring for the girls when they were babies. This caused some hardship for my daughter, especially, since her own family is so far away.

Fast forward to about 2 years ago when my son-in-law's brother & wife had a baby. All of a sudden the other grandparents, who had been loving but so very hands-off with my daughter's two, were VERY available and hands on with this new little one. And I had told my daughter this would happen.

Well, my daughter could take it personally -- but she didn't. She & I talked about how people change over time and as their experiences shape them. She realized she & her kids were the teachers and that her brother-in-law & his family were reaping the benefits of what her kids had taught their grandparents: it's not as difficult to take care of little ones as you might think & the payback is beyond phenomenal.

I think maybe your in-laws learned a great deal. Unfortunately, as the first one in the family with small children, you and yours will continue to be the teacher and your sister-in-law and her family will continue to benefit from your good teaching.

You can't change how others treat you but you can choose how you want to view it. Be upset that you're not treated fairly (and, no, you're not) or accept what others have to give & when they have to give it. Up to you.

In laws are such a touchy thing. You are taking ones child and making him/her yours, and then creating more family that they have no say so over.

It is all new boundaries for people and some people just have issues with it.

Personally, it took me (nearly) 18 years to get out of my father's house, so I don't have to answer to a secondary set of parents, although I do try to get along.

I just try to stay out of my husbands families business. I have my own family business to worry about, so no need to include them. Yes, my mother in law does visit my brother in law a lot more often and drives right through our city 4 times a year, while she is RETIRED. However, if I allow this to bother me too much, that is 4 times a year I am upset about something that I don't have to be.

I suggest you let it go.

I think your FIL and husband have it right. They learned their lesson and aren't going to make the same mistake twice. Which is good for your SIL, but was not so good for you. At least they apologized to your husband. It's better than nothing.

You're going to have to let it go. Put it all behind you and focus on your new baby!

Welllllllll...may I point something out? I am hoping this doesn't make you mad.

In the beginning of this story, you were talking about how nothing was really wrong, and about how crazy they were for assuming that something might be wrong.

Now, this whole thing talks about how you are having these feelings of resentment that you have no intention of sharing with them.

So, I have to guess that you are not a confrontational person, and that this probably isn't the first time you've internalized your feelings. You may think you do a great job of hiding your true feelings, but people can pick up on things better than you realize. You are more uncomfortable to deal with for your in laws because you are so reserved, possibly. They have no idea what you're thinking/feeling, and the constant wondering is driving them batty.

When nothing is wrong, you will think they're just crazy when they think something might be. When something is wrong, you don't act much different. Everything is a guessing game with you, and that can get just as exhausting as dealing with a big mouth. I personally, am a big mouth, so take that for what it's worth :p

#1 This isn't against you, but I am so tired of people equating "nice" with non-confrontation. If you are having the thoughts/feelings, that's who you are, whether you verbalize it or not. The only difference between you and I is that you're tricking everyone into thinking nothing is wrong with you, when something really is wrong with you, and I just let it all out. The difference between you and your SIL is that even though she may piss everyone off, everyone always knows where she stands. She's not holding back. So, when things are good, people can relax around her, because they know she's being honest with her feelings and that nothing is going on in secret that they aren't aware of. Now, I agree that there needs to be a certain level of civility, but I think it's actually really dishonest to keep your feelings in like that.

For (silly) example, If you feel mad whenever you see pink polka dots, then that's who you are. Even if no one knows that you feel mad when you see pink polka dots, you're still mad about it. You can either let everyone know that pink polka dots make you mad, so that they know not to wear pink polka dots around you (unless they don't care if you get mad) or you can just keep it to yourself because you want everyone to think you're "nice". But, everyone knows that everyone is human. So, instead of knowing that they shouldn't wear pink polka dots around you, they are constantly worrying about every other color of polka dots, squares, triangles, hearts, stars....checkers...patterns...etc. You never tell them, so they know you have to have something you get mad about but, and they're always wondering what it is. So, if you do something that seems a little rude, they can only jump to conclusions.

I'm really tired and I'm not feeling well, so if that was confusing I'm really sorry and I will try again later. Good luck, and open up! Don't be afraid to share your feelings. Nice people really just make people uncomfortable, because we never know what's really going on in your brain. People like me may not be pleasant all the time, but at least you know you can relax around me when I'm smiling, because my smile isn't a fake one unless I'm at work or running into old "friends" ;)

I don't blame you at all for feeling the way that you do, but I think your husband is right. It sounds like they learned from their mistakes with you, and they are behaving better with your SIL because of it. If you can, it would probably be best to let this go. I know that is easier said than done. :)

It's two different situations. Like I say, the differences are in the details and that's what's made all the difference.

The different detail is that you were welcoming them and wanting them to come so they could easily play the role of martyr.

SIL, on the other hand, turned her back not conducive to being a martyr. She acted like she didn't care, which made them nervous. They probably really thought they weren't going to have a big role in this child's life.

It's all in the details. You need to keep this in mind because apparently it's the best way to deal with them. Stand tall and firm like a brick wall and they'll be all over you!

Do they appreciate you now? If you've been able to repair things, and FIL said they "learned their lesson", then you had a definite effect on them. Concentrate on that. They want to see their new grandbaby so they will put up with SIL, cause they learned that they only hurt themselves the first time around by being over sensitive. It's ok to feel annoyed, but try to separate out and look at the now. The past will just piss you off.

People change. They were treated the same way they treated you and that's what it took for them to open their eyes and change.

You said that you all have a relationship that's nearly back to the way it was before your baby was born. Your FIL says that they learned their lesson. The part that would bother ME the most is that they never apologized directly to you, and only gave a half-assed apology "through" your husband although you could say that their much-improved treatment of you and spending time with you and your child is an apology/making up for it with actions rather than using the words.

I understand how you say you are feeling.
Having said that, a lot goes on when someone has a baby.
The mom has her hormones, pain, possibly on pain meds, she's tired already, not feeling good, she's changed etc.
Things happen & things can get miscontrued. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, though.

Holding resentments only hurts the person holding the resentment.
I would let that go. Easier said than done, I know, but it can be done.

I would no longer hold things against them. Let that go.
Also, I would not compare yourself or your situation to that of SIL.

The best thing would be to try & start anew. They are family that will be
connected. They don't have to be your best friend but just treat them with civility and kindness.

Try your hardest to just move past this.
Every time you start to feel yourself get worked up, take a deep breath, count to 10 and let it go. I know it's hard but it's the best thing for everyone.

Sometimes life will surprise you. If you "let it go", sometimes they turn around and surprise you.

Best wishes & here's to a new page. Hang in there.

Wow, I am hoping it is the hormones because there is a lot of assuming on both sides. When there is a lack of communication, people seem to assume the worst. Personally, I don't know why you dwell on the past. Anytime you compare yourself to someone else, you are going to lose. Stop comparing your situation to your SIL. She is completely different from you, has a completely different relationship than you do with your in-laws, and you shouldn't try and second-guess anything she does or is done with her.

If you want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, just assume the best. Assume that they really don't know what you want. Come out and invite them when you want them involved. When you would rather not have them around, ask yourself if this is in your best interest or you childrens'. If they don't respond the way you want them to, assume it is for a good reason. Don't over-analyze it or compare it to anyone else. Just ignore it and focus on whatever it takes to keep your family happy. And whatever you do, do not complain to your husband about his family. Nobody wants to hear stuff about their family, even if it is true.

Yep, I can imagine your hurt. In laws are drama. Yours seem to be double drama. TRY to move on--as I type this I know that I am being hypocriticial as I am not one to move on... Please try for the sake of your child and hubby.

Very briefly, for the purposes of your post, you can divide the world into two types of people. There are people who are cautious, discreet, and tuned into the signals of everyone around them. And then there are other people who are blunt, forthright, and just tell it like it is no matter how anyone feels. And then, there's the weirdness where cautious, discreet people really need blunt, forthright people to sweep in and clear the air. Otherwise you get this exquisite drama of imagined offense. So, all you've really got to is be bluntly, forthrightly nice. Tell them, "we really want to see you. I don't care who else is there. The more the merrier. Come as often as you like." really. It's too bad they can't clear the air themselves, but right now you've got a chance to be blunt-nice rather than blunt-mean. So take it.

simple enough.

she needs them. people like feeling needed. they feel like she's more open to their suggestions where you are set on how you want to raise your daughter

btw have you ever thought some of their ways might be ok? i was so set on doing things MY way and then as Emmy got bigger I realized I should have been a little more laid back and open to suggestions.

maybe ask them to babysit sometimes so your husband and you can get out. your daughter will get to bond with them without you interfering and everyone wins?

My Mom was a weird person when it came to family. Her only family was the family she grew up in. When she married my dad there was his family and his family. I don't think any of my dad's family ever realized how she felt. My cousins just called her aunt because that is how they thought of her. But she only thought of them as his neices and nephews. She even seemed to think that they were not part of my family. It was weird.
Family dynamics are weird. You need to assure your in-laws that they are as much a part of your family as the family you grew up in. They may be holding back because they are afraid to put their hearts on the line and have them chopped in two. Reassure them that family is family and they are welcome at your home to share in your joys and sorrows.

Gotta love families. How's this

Future DIL and I get along superbly until the ring goes on Finger. She gets pregnant on honeymoon. We become (excuse the expression, dog vomit).

DIL goes into labor. Drives herself to hospital. Has to pass my house. Son calls. It is 4:30 pm. He says dont come. Right. My husband and I go down
Just to sit in waiting room. Get there her parents are there. They were shocked that we came. I say DIL should have called me. She says "my daughter is tough she does not need you for anything.!! I say God forbid something happened on the way to hospital. Mother says she has a cell phone. Baby born an hour later. We see him for a second and begin to leave. Oh but big kids need dinner. Her parents say well we are going home. It is up to us to deal with the big kids.

Fast forward in 2 1/2 years we only see baby about four times for the obligatory holidays. Her mother babysits everyday. The kid is in the car three hours a day. We offered.

Now number two is born while I was in the hospital. See him two days later.
Again we do not see him until her mother says she will not babysit two five days a week. Now we be ome a hot commodity! So we agree to sit because we want a relationship with our grandchildren. She gets pregnant loses baby. They have four. First two she had from a previous marriage.

Now my other son and fiancé on Christmas eve announce they are having a baby. Well that did not go over well with DIL. Ok she is sad because she lost one you have four and you put on a smile an congratulate. One day she says you are not going to babysit their baby are you. I said yes. She was not happy.

Now baby shower for future DIL. I know DIL will not show. I am right my son calls to say she is not coming. You see pregnant again and. Ot feeling well. Actually I was relieved because she would make it a competition. This way I could give all my attention to future DIL who lost both parents by the time she was 12. Shower was a huge success.

Wait for my grandsons to be dropped off that Monday, never shows My son said I was annoyed about the shower. I said no way. He went on a tangent. Appears a lot of jealouy at play. My future DIL is having a girl.

Have not seen my grandsons in seven months and my son has not seen his niece ever who is now five months. Sadly, my husband and I are done with them. Treated us like the bottom of the birdcage once and we let it go.
Second time, no.

So you see how families can be. My DIL has broken up a family. My kids always always got along. She has now divided them.