7 Year Old Daughter Having Trouble in 1St Grade with Friends, Etc.

You should consider options like the Sylvan learning center. Or a different kind of tutoring program. It would give your daughter specialized attention on the subjects she needs help with and give her more confidence in school. It would also provide her with more socializing opportunities. Especially with other kids on her same level so that she knows she is not the only one who struggles with school. Learning should be fun. This is such a crucial age for personality development. If she starts to think now that she can't do it, within no time she'll stop trying.

I had some issues similar to your daughter's when I was in 1st grade. I might as well have been an only child - my nearest sibling was 9 years older than me. I had red hair and stood out because of my academics. Anything that makes you stand out makes you a target at that age and when you compound that with the unique issues of being an only child - (there are definitely certain boundary lessons that kids with siblings can't help but learn) a kid can have real problems at school. I completely understand how she feels. Coming from the perspective of your daughter, she doesn't understand that it's not okay for other kids to laugh. She doesn't understand that being an only kid has had an impact on how she interacts with and feels in the world. She will find a way to blame herself for all of her problems. The most helpful thing you can do, in my opinion, is to listen to her, show her how much you love her, be there for her, and help her learn about boundaries at home. I didn't have these things growing up & I so wish that I had. Just knowing that someone loved me a ton and thought I was great would have gone a long way. And learning some boundaries with other kids in a safe environment would have been great, too. I learned at a young age that only if I cried enough, my mom would pay attention & do things for me. I kept trying that at school (not understanding why I was doing all this). If I didn't get my way, or if someone hurt my feelings or did something mean, I would cry. If they didn't feel sorry for me & try to be nice, I would cry harder - hoping they would eventually feel some empathy. It had the opposite effect. It made me more of a target & the kids got meaner, and I started feeling more like there was something wrong with me - I didn't understand what made me cry so easily. I felt that I must be broken in some way. So my advice to you is to show her love and then teach her that crying for attention doesn't work - that there are other ways to interact and get your point across, and that things don't always go our way & that's okay - teach her to cope with disappointment. I'm not saying that you're not doing these things already - I'm just saying that these are the most important things she needs. I think that while talking to her teacher can help a little - it doesn't hurt to have a teacher aware of what you are seeing - but you are a much more powerful influence on your child at this age and you are in the best position to help her. Hang in there. I won't lie to you - elementary school was tough on me. But even with my poor resources, I pulled through and did very well in jr. high & high school.

I feel for you. We went through a similar situation with our daughter. She had one friend in particular that she competed with. The other little girl was very intelligent and could push my daughter's buttons without anyone else seeing until I started to watch the situation more closely. I realized what was happening. I still didn't let my daughter off the hook when her behavior was out of order even if it was escalated by her friend. She often felt stupid and her self esteem was very low. She gave up on math entirely because she couldn't compete with her gate friends (gifted and talented). I did buy her a book that is put out by American Girl that focused on friendship. You may want to read this with your daughter. It helped put ideas out there that were not pushed by mom, kind of a mediator. The best thing that happened for us is that we moved. She now goes to another school and is getting straight A's even in math. It doesn't come easy but she is no longer bogged down with the comparison of her and her friends. I know not everyone can move but is it possible to have her switch schools and get a fresh start where she won't be labeled. You must first help her with her issues so she does not take this to her new school. Good luck!

Call your school. There should be a staffed school counselor, set up a meeting with him/her and her teacher.
Talk to them about how your daughter is feeling and what all three of you proactively can do about it.
I know my daughter has a tendancy to be bossy and command attention sometimes. She was having issues in class with disruptive behavior on occassion, she was also seeming to hang out with a few girls that were mean to her. She wasn't finishing her work and claimed she didn't understand it.
From my standpoint, I encouraged but didn't dictate who she should play with, mainly people that made her feel good about herself. I talked to her about what being a friend means, if it means sometimes taking a back seat and playing what someone else wants, being kind and helpful.
Then with her teachers help and the school counselors help we devised a plan to boost her self esteem in doing her classwork on time and correct, stop disrupting others and to take "constructive criticsm on her school work". It was amazing how things improved at school. She comes home happy and plays with all different kids in her class each day. She stays away from those girls that were mean to her now and I see how much better she feels about it.
I still have issue with her being bossy to her brother at home or being sassy to me at home, but I can see what a difference all three of us working together to truly help my daughter did for us all with her school work. All school systems should have something in place that if you have concerns on things going on at school that you can go to with those concerns. Good luck! I have a first grader too, it is an odd age and time for them. Being not a little kid so much anymore and trying to find their way in all the other grades being older. Hang in there.

I've read the other suggestions that you received before sending my own & can't add much to it. I would do some detective work as was suggested. Make arrangements with the teacher to "peek in" at a certain time, but show up 20-30 min's earlier so you can watch the teacher as well as your child. After being picked on/laughed in Kindergarten & the teacher ignoring things that were going on....it could be just as much the teacher as it is your daughter. The hurting herself also has me concerned, as there's usually some serious issues behind that.....but it could also be just a way for the focus to be on her, instead of the subject.
If her eyes & ears checks out, there's no real obvious problems at school. You & your husband might consider taking her out of school for a few days to a week, have this pre-arranged with her teacher so you'll have all her assignments ready for those days & then "home" school her for those days. Don't let her know initially that she'll be missing any school, but that morning after she's ready....have her assignments for that day on your table ready for her to start. Then do school time at home for a week. This way you can see how she is with her assignments to see if this is really an issue for her. Also, you might want to talk to the principal and observe your daughter during recess. This will also give you an idea of how she & her friends play. Good luck

Her teacher sees her everyday, and could give you insights. Also, a child may go without reams of paperwork, at least once to the school's guidance counselor for help, ideas, solutions. I have a student right now somewhat like your daughter, and she cries loudly if even touched, so I understand. She is also quite bossy, even to me, which I squish. Being an only child is part of the picture as you mentioned. Have you tried having a couple of the students over for one on one playdates to help her fellowship? That has worked well too in my class to build friendships.

There is a wonderful Love & Logic technique called guiding your child to problem solving.
1. Sit down with her and say with empathy, this is so sad that you don't have any friends, what are you going to do about it?
2. She'll say "I don't know" and you respond, do you want to hear what other kids have tried?
3. Some kids try.... and then come up with a few ideas for her and let her add her own ideas..
a. for example, some kids talk to the teacher, how would that work for you?
b. some kids pick a really nice girl in the class and ask her why kids don't play with me during recess, how would that work?
c. some kids try not bossing and playing what the other kids want at recess, how would that work

4. then, end with, Good luck, let me know how it works.

You'll be amazed how creative and resourceful she is and how this helps her realize she can own and work on this problem herself with mom's loving guidance.

It's worth an experiment. More info on this method at the library with the Love & Logic CD on "raising responsilbe kids" or check my web site for love & logic classes and parent coaching sessions. www.shellymoorman.com

Good luck!

High Plains mental health could help. The people who work there are there for your best intrests. then if the school has problems they can help the school to.everything is documented so you can feel safe if something happens at the school.

I am a teacher and a mom. What do you mean by hurting herself??? This concerns me. She needs to see a counselor if she is hurting herself. There is a reason there is a term called only child syndrome. Because it is so common it seems like fact. I don't know if it is fact or not, but it is something the parents need to nurture and educate their child about. Talk to her teachers. Get her involved in other activities outside of school. Get her involved in something that helps her be empathetic --- taking care of a pet, adopting a senior citizen or needy family, etc. Expose her to social situations (play dates, clubs, etc.) since she doesn't have siblings to interact with at home. Kids are cruel in school. Kids don't naturally have the tools to deal with conflict. She needs to think about how it makes other kids feel if she is bossy. Give her the tools to deal with conflict. There are probably books out there (for her and for you) that deal with this subject. She needs to learn how to handle her emotions like crying, etc. Good luck.

Hi S.,

It's hard to tell from your description just how your daughter is "hurting" herself. However, if she is running into things, or having a hard time seeing the math problems on the chalkboard, or even on papers, you might consider having her vision checked. Could it be that she needs glasses and is having a hard time because of that?

Just a thought.

~ K.

Have you had her eyes and ears checked. Maybe she cannot hear or see directions clearly and it is frustrating for her. Give her a "lesson" at home and watch her reactions...maybe you can find a clue....or go visit at school and watch how she interacts with the other kids...talk to the teacher. Be a detective and see if you can discover how her world is treating her.

My daughter is 6 years old and in first grade at public school after being home schooled during kindergarten along with her three older siblings. She does very well academically but is suddenly having social issues in the third trimester. Her best friend is befriending another girl and my daughter's world is falling apart! My daughter is also relying on getting attention and love by crying excessively about injuries and health problems at home and at school. I tend to encourage my kids to find other friends or " just wait it out". I tell them to be good, kind, loving people and they will find true friends. My daughter is crying her self to sleep at night and I worry that my responses are not right. I'm thinking about showing up in her classroom and at recess and lunch to help her but, I'm also a little concerned that becoming that involved will cause her to cling to me,and also hinder her from solving this problem herself. I would be grateful for any advice in dealing with this situation.

Make an appointment to talk with her teacher. Her teacher may have some good tips on dealing with your daughter's friend issues, and if she's struggling in math, the teacher can suggest some fun math activities for home. Keep the home-school conversation going with the teacher!