7 Year Itch???

I am having the same issue! We too have been married for 7 years. I was also feeling depressed and eventually went to see my doctor. She said it sounded like I needed some help, so she referred me to a therapist. She put me on some medication for depression and that seemed to help with the depression, but not with the feelings toward my husband. I too do not want to have sex or any kind of relationship, but I think he is a great person and is also a good father. We have tried to start over by trying to do date nights once a week (as suggested by my therapist), but it does not seem to helping much, but that is something you may want to try. Let me know if you hear of any good advice. Good luck and hang in there. I know how frustrating it is.

Go away for a weekend or the night and I think ya'll will reconnect. I have the same feels of running away sometimes but then I think about all the people out there that have it so much worse. Women and men that can't find their soul mates and women who can't have children. We are all so bless to have a husband and children. And the fact we can come here to vent is also a previlge. I hope you find the peace you need.
L.

I agree it may be a kind of depression... there are a lot of things out there that can help... me, I know that there are times I just have to put myself out there and do what needs to be done... sometimes I fake a smile just to get through a day at work.
love is a desision that has to be made everyday... I'd like to suggest one other book that hasn't been mention yet... the five languages of love.

hi i understand how you feel. it is just hard sometimes to have anything intimate with your husband with children that small but maybe need to find a sitter for your children and you and your husband might need to take a night off to enjoy each other without the children. maybe try to recandle what you once had. you still have it but it is buried underneath everyday life.

S. D

Another great book is "Love Life for every married couple". I have a friend that has multiple copies that she loans out to others after the advise in it saved her marriage.

We as women all have feelings of inadequacy and insecurity along the path of our life and marriage...if not before kids definitely after. My body doesn't look like it used to, I don't have any 'me'time, etc...Well, the truth is, your husband didn't marry you for your body, nor did he marry you because he thought he deserved better. He married you because he loves you and YOU complete him-no one else. We all change and mature along this journey of life, your husband included. He has insecurities and feels overwhelmed at times just like you do. No great marriage exists without two committed people putting in a lot of work and a lot of love and respect for each other and themselves.

Whether cheating is a thought or not, men have a real need for sex that goes beyond what women have. They were wired that way by God of purpose. I've been thru rough patches in my marriage as well. If 4+ years of infertility treatment doesn't cause major stress in your marriage, I don't know what will but it's during the hardest times that you grow the most. I know for women, sex is an emotional connection but I've ended many an extremely tension filled day by satisfying my husband. Does he know this? Yes he does but the truth is, I want to be the one to satisfy him. If he knows that I will put "myself" aside to love him then that frees him to love me and build me up more.

Best wishes,
A.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm going thru the same exact thing with my marraige now, but here i thought it was just us! We will be married 8 yrs on Oct 19th, but i dont want anything to do with him anymore! I still love him and all that, it just seems like we are roomates more than a married couple anymore. No one understands me when i say i need to get away, they all think we are so happy and content in our marraige. I have feelings of running away, but no where to run to. All we ever do is fight anymore, and over the dumbest things too. And the subject on sex....what is that....that doesnt happen in this relationship anymore....i just dont care for it...and i guess he doesnt either! Sorry i dont think i was much help to you, but if you find out a solution please let me know.

Wow....deja vu...Been there, done that, four years ago. I am so happy to say that marriages can absolutely get better, with prayer and hard work. I agree that "His needs, Her needs" is a great book... a must read! I also suggest "Help me, I'm married", by Joyce Meyer...both were essential for us to get back to a place of happiness.

I agree with Wolfgang that sex is soooo important to men (and some women as well). I had to decide that for the sake of my marriage, I had to "give it up" more often than I really wanted to. What happened is that my husband started treating me better because he was happier, and then I wanted to give him sex more often. ANd it became fun and enjoyable again. A win/win for us both. God also convicted me that I was treating him poorly, despite the fact that he would do anything for me. I decided to start treating him like the incredible man that he was. I had just become so spoiled that I thought he owed me more, more, more. I began to treat him with respect again and he began to feel better about himself, and again, everything turned around for us.

I don't know if our experience wii help, but I would not have traded this experience for anything, it strengthened our marriage.

M. L.

Hey girl,
My advice is you could think about getting a part time job. I think it is really hard to be a SAHM. If I had to do it I'd be incredibly depressed too. Maybe if you got out in the world a bit and met people, socialized with co-workers you'd feel heappier and want to be with your husband more. It's important to have that outside of the home stimulation. Think about it. Good luck.
S.

I totally understand what you are going through. My husband and I went through something very similar. I made the mistake of leaving. By leaving, I became even more miserable and depressed. It is never the right choice for anyone in this type of situation. I came back to my family and worked through my depression and loneliness problems. My problem was that my entire world revolved around my child and husband, even though I worked a full time job. I finally learned that I too needed to have other people in my life other than my family. I started to have friends and go out. I started to learn that there are many sides to us women and not all can be reached by our husbands nor our children. We women have to have friends and spend quality time with them!!!

It would be difficult to find a married couple who does not experience the 7-year itch. However, in your case, it's really not an itch since you don't even want to have sex period. You are probably suffering from the same problem that most mothers do and it's called being tired. When you have two small children who depend on you 24/7 and you have a household to run, it's very difficult to feel good about yourself. I stayed at home for 7 months and finally went back to work because I stayed in my pajamas all day long and did nothing for myself. It was always the kids and the house. Not sure what the answer is for you because everyone is different. Just want you to know that you are not the only one going this. Things usually do get better so hang in there.

Hello there,

I have only done the 7 year deal once and my husband actually cheated...he was the one with those feelings and I was the Stay At Home Mom with our two kids. But what I am wondering is, did this feeling just happen recently? Was it in the back of your mind for awhile? Or, are you dealing with the depression of losing your dad still? I know this is off the topic, but your mom is not the only one who may need someone as you seem to see it. Your husband could win husband of the year, your children could be flawless, and your marriage perfect...but what are you feelings about your family? The family that made you and grew with you, your mom and dad. Yes, you may think you got over it or are dealing with it as to be expected and doing well, but have you talk to someone about it. Your mom? Your husband?
If you want to stop the sex, because you are not feeling "it" anymore, try excersie (it can help and if you like find an all women gym). This might sound dumb, but start loving yourself a little. Go to a spa once a month, if the budget allows. Take a weekend off once a month if you can and also, ask your husband, if possible, to massage you at least twice a week. Put the kids to bed, turn on some soft music, lower the lights, and get the lotion out or some oil. This should not be a sexual act, just an act of love and self beauty. He could do a full body massage and yes, he might not get it right the first couple of times, guys are sometimes clueless...but help him along and don't get upset, as long as he is giving it a shot. You have hit a moment where you question everything, even throwing your husband a few question he doesn't think of because you think he deserves better. Girl, if you are married this long and you don't fight over the number you found in his wallet or why he has a "mark" on his body, then he made the right choice when falling love with you. Is this normal? yes. Do you have a right to question everything? sure. Should you talk a little more and take more time out for yourself? damn right! Love yourself a little more, talk about your dad's death, and take a break from the norm...one step at a time, you didn't get to where you are overnight so don't expect to feel super better right away...Good Luck and remember everyone can tell you are a beautiful person, but you have to truly see it in yourself to be happy.

Hi K.,

Try taking yourself out of "Mommy Mode". I know its difficult when your children mean the world to you and you will do anything for them, including sacrificing what your needs are. But you need to remember that you are a beautiful powerful woman. You run a home, take care of children and a husband. The key word here is "WOMAN". If you don't take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of the ones you love. You are a woman before you became a wife and mother. Remember how you felt when men took notice, made compliments. Remember how your husband made you feel before he was your husband? Remember what you did and how you felt when you knew you were going to see him. Remember the extra special care you took on yourself when you knew he was coming by? Get back to your inner "WOMAN" and bring her out. She is still there, she has just been overpowered by the "MOMMY MODE". You know that your husband still desires you because he still wants to have sex with you. Not sure how religious you are but if you "LET GO AND LET GOD" you will get the answers that you need. Also read the Song of Solomon in the bible. It is magnificent and powerful. It may be what you need to understand God's point of view regarding love and sex. Good Luck

K.,
How are you, I just wanted to give you my bit of info... I have had the loss of interest and everything that you say. The Hubby is jelous that he is no longer #1, so you have to go out of your way sometimes and let him know you still care. It's the little things that count. Do try to make time for yourself and time for you and your hubby. I have been with my husband since highschool and we have been through some pretty tough times. And at the end of this month we will be celebrating our 10th year of Marrage and a total of 15yrs together!! we have spent half our lives together!!! It gets stale some times but just liven it up. "small things" guys like chocolate too!!
Jenn:0)

Hi K.

I'm not sure that this is a seven year itch. I think that maybe you are suffering from some depression. I had that for a while and it (1) put me off sex (2) put me off relationships generally (3) made my marriage much harder work (4) made me want to run away and leave everything/everyone. The good thing is that there are places you can go and people you can see to help you through this. If you have a good doctor, I would suggest going to see them asap. Also, if you know of any good family and/or marriage therapists, I would go there too and take your husband. Be sure to let him know that it isn't necessarily just him, it's jsut "everything" (at least that is how I felt.)

And, if you have good friends you can trust, tell them too. Don't bear the burden of depression on your own. Remember, it really is an illness. That may sound horrid but remember also that it is a treatable.

I hope things get better. They really did with me and my family. Things are not perfect (when are they ever though!) but they are 90% better.

H.

K.,
I don't think you have what is called "the itch" for you have no desire to be with another person. I think you feel as if you are in a rut and want a change of self, not partner. My opinion, of course, I'm not a shrink. Only say this b/c I have been there. Have you considered a part-time job? Or maybe having a K. day (about 3 hours to yourself)? Once you are happy within yourself, everything else will fall into place. You love your honey and vice versa and you are asking for help, that is so totally awesome! And it proves that you are not afraid to try different techniques to improve your home life. Don't know if I helped or not, but my prayers are with you. (PS I'm a Pure Romance consultant, so if you need anything to help "jumpstart" the romance...)
A.

I know exactly what you're talking about. And whether or not either of you THINK you have feelings of cheating on each other, I have realized through many experiences around me, that it usually what ends up happening. UNLESS you guys figure something out quick! The lovey-dovey butterflies all eventually go away...for everyone. But that's when you have to realize the real building blocks of marriage. I have a book I'd like to recommend to you, and I'll even send you a free copy of it (I keep extras, because I think every woman on earth should read this book). It's called "Created to be His Help Meet." It describes God's desire for us as wives, and how we can really find joy in our marriage. We have to quit relying on our husbands to change; we have to quit acting in ways based on what our husbands "deserve" or what we think we're capable of. Instead, we need to be the type of wife God intends for us to be, then find the joy in pleasing God by our actions. If we wait on blessings from those around us, we will never have real joy. You and your husband will both be happier when you are able to find real pleasure in being his wife.

There are some controversial views in the book, but the basics are undeniable. You'll read them and think, "Of course! What have I been doing all these years?" You can order it at nogreaterjoy.org. But if you are interested in the book at all, I would honestly be happy to send you the book free of cost. Just email me and let me know.

There is a reason you and your husband married...find it. And even if those reasons have disappeared, you have you little ones who are reason enough to stay together. Fight for your man & their daddy...fight with everything that is in you. Put your pride and desires on hold. Make your family your priority and go for it. You'll be glad you did. I almost lost it all a year and half ago, and I can't tell you how greatful I am that this book, and stregth and wisdom from God, kept my family together. It's never perfect, but life is so good these days. God is so good!!

C.

Hi K., first, know you are not alone, im on 11 yrs now, lost my mom 3 years ago and to tell you the truth have not been the same since. The wanting to go to your mom is that u have lost one and want to be with the other to protect her, make sure she is safe and not going anywhere, my dad got in a car accident, last year and I basiscally ran, I stayed by his side for two months and did not really want to leave his side. But I did and things have got better this last year. My husband really took everything well and trys to understand but at times I still feel he does not get it...lol. So what im saying is your greiving and its ok.
Sex life, well the depression is a big part of it, and then theres the sameo o sameo of sex its almost ok lets get this over with cause its the same thing all the time. Try setting time for just you first. Then try to find time for just you and hubby, talk out your feelings, on life whats going how you feel, a lot of it might be you just need to here that he appreshates you and loves you and respects you, the words u might have heard 7 years ago. maybe the flowers when he comes to the door, or you all dooled up when he comes home. Think back on what made you all tick way back when. Anyways I hope this helps out. and know that you are a Great person. Love yourself first!!!!
J.

I am a therapist, and it sounds like you are depressed. You really need to get into someone for counseling. You and your husband preferably. Pressure from your husband when you don't want to have sex does not help you want to have sex. Sounds like some kinks need to be worked out with the help of a third party. Dr. Charles Keller, Dr. Mike Hardin, or someone at Tech in the Counseling Center would be good. Get in soon. Sounds like you have anhedonia, when things you once wanted to do do not sound fun anymore, which is a sign of depression. You saying you want to run away sounds like it too. Get help for yourself soon, and don't wait. You'll make it. Hang in there.

Wishes of joyful thoughts to you,
K.

What happened? Kids. Sure, they're worth every second of every misery that comes from having them, b/c the good always outweighs the bad when it comes to having children. But being a parent (esp a full-time sahm) takes a toll on a marriage. I read a study somewhere that showed how the contentment level in long marriages is shaped like a U. It starts out at the top, then takes a huge plunge once kids come along. Then as the kids grow, gain independence, and finally leave the home - if you stick with it, the marriage contentment level can actually reach that initial "high" stage again. Hopeful, huh? I also still have young ones and a 10 yr old marriage, and here's hoping we all reach that great "high" once again.

Be strong, hang in there, and yes, work on yourself first. Find what changes you can make in your life to fight the depression, and start doing something just for YOU. And try to remember that you're not being selfish - you're doing it for your family.

God bless,
M. B

Maybe your just experiencing life, how we handle it has alot to do with how we feel about ourselves and the environment around us. Maybe you just need to find time for you ( a mommy break) Time with just you and your husband too is always good. But if your depressed sometime exercise can increase your serintonin level which can cause depression. Hope this helps, C.

You have received some good tidbits here, I don't know if HORMONES were mentioned. Please check that out as well. We women have to really be keen on the fact that we have several hormones to keep balanced, and if they get out of whack, it can really affect us. Low sex drive, anger, depression, you name it. Do some online research and I'm sure you will find a ton of information on where you can turn for help. Good luck!

I absolutely love the advice the others have given you here. I must agree with all of them. Cheating is not the answer, and whether or not you think about it, the hard truth is that it does usually happen. Another great book that my husband and I got in marriage counselling was "His Needs, Her Needs". It is a great book to help you understand each other and what is most important to the other person. It isn't a very long book so it is easy reading. It tells how men crave the physical touch of sexual fulfilment while women crave affection without sex. Then it explains why you can't have one without the other, and the next 4 most important aspects in a relationship. I HIGHLY recommend it!

Also, if you feel depressed, have you talked to your doctor? Depression is a very serious condition that can make you feel that way toward everything great in your life. Just a suggestion!

Good luck to ya!

You're not the first woman to experience this, or the last. I went through this about a year ago with my husband. I still don't have much of a sex drive after having 3 kids (8, 4, 18 months), but I've found quite a few things that spark our relationship:

-out of the blue, flirt with each other
-kiss more
-read romance novels
-talk more about your interests
-both of you get a life outside the relationship.

When you spend all day working, cooking, cleaning, caring for kids, and dealing with life, spontenaity (sp?) pretty much goes out the window. Try getting out of your personal rut once or twice a week and see what happens!

well the only advice i could lend would be that communication is key in a relationship. We all know that it can be hard but as long as we are open and honest with our spouse than we can get through those hard times. It sounds to me like you need to maybe start doing something for yourself. Something that will make you happy.because when you are happy with yourself then that will project on to your family. when i started going through a bout of depression i started doing roller derby. im not saying rollerderby is the answer for you but it sure heped me get out some of my pent up agression. and i got into shape and i started feeling better about myself. sometimes you need to make yourself feel better rather than counting on someone else to do it for us. stay positive. try not to focus on the negative aspects of life. even if you have to dig way down deep.

I had to look twice to see if I wrote this! Oh wow, this pretty much sums up my life!! We have been together for so long though, had a really rough patch in the beginning because we were so young but we are now 30 and almost 32 and we have 2 boys. Steven almost 14 and Mason 3. I just do not want to have sex anymore, its like i want to run away too sometimes. I know what you feel. I have alot of the exact same feelings. I have been with my husband since 1990, we have been together for 17 yrs and we have been married for almost 7 yrs. We are childhood sweethearts. We have kept it alive by just being there and i try to get him to communicate with me, im a talker he isnt much of one. Everyone thinks we are just the perfect couple too, i have trouble forgiving things he has done, but am working on that.

I need to see some responses too i guess because we are in the same boat, sorry im not much help.

Wow, I've been there .. My Dh and I have been married for 16 years. Around the 6-7 year mark of our marriage we actually talked about getting a divorce. Times were tough, and we were both so proud, we could never dream of going back "home" so we toughed it out, thinking that we would get a divorce when we could "afford it". A funny thing happened though, we started sleeping in seperate bedrooms, and only talking to each other in common rooms, and after awhile, we became friends again and that lead to more talking and then we started doing more things together. One day we were in love again. I am not saying that will work for you, we didn't have children then. We do now. As for the sex part, I am not much into sex anymroe either, I think it's because I am always in "mommy mode" or just plain tired. I have found, that when we have a rare evening alone, I can unwind a bit more and relax but it requires a lot of help on his part. Massage, soft music things that help remind me that I'm a woman .. not a mom for tonight. Also, you talk about being depressed. Have you gotten any help for your depression? I found that when the Dr. put me on zoloft a few months ago things just got a whole lot easier and I didn't stress as much as I do now. I hope this helps you and know that if you want your marriage to last, you can work through just about anything.

I haven't yet read the other responses, but I have overcome that part of our marriage...We have four children and my husband is the same way and will do anything for us and my friends tell me all the time they envey our relationship. We have come to the conclusion that when we or me feel this way we send the kids for a night with grandma and grandpa. We go to dinner and talk about all the GOOD times we've had in the passed all the way to the day we met til now. Then we plan a movie or club night, although we never get that far...we always decide to go home and just spend time alone....Then you from there!!! Things seem to come together after that it's like we learn to appreciated each other again for who we are and all we do. I think our days are so fast with kids, job, errans and our life styles that we take things for granted and think things are so bad,but in reality we have it good we are married w/ children (family) to share our lives with.
It only gets better.....The butterflies come back!!!!
R.

K., this is SO normal! I actually watched something one day on this whole thing (may have been on Oprah). Anyway, they did say that for mom's who stay at home, they are touched and are doing for others all day so when it comes time for the kids to goto bed...you want to be left alone. My husband and I have been married for 6yrs. and we have a 4yo and 2yo (daughters). I love staying at home but sometimes, I just want to do something for me when the kids goto bed. The above was so right...both of you need to get a life outside the home. My husband is now in softball twice a week and I am now a Rep. for a wonderful Jewelry Company. I love this because twice a week (at night) when the kids goto bed...I am alone. I can do for me. Also, when I have my Silpada parties, I am with other ladies having a blast! Our relationship has gotten so much better AND...I am now to the point where I want to be intimate with him just as much as he does with me. It is really tough being a Mom. I would talk with him about it...don't give up however you do need some space. I wish you the best.

K.,
Do you have a car? Get in it and find the nearest Dr's office. I think with the loss of your dad, the "rough patch" you are in could for the most part be severe depression. You have two small children. You need your wits about you all day long to entertain, feed, clothe, transport and care for two human lifes that God placed in your care. When hubby gets home he should give you at least a half hour break from responsibility. If he can't/won't do that, then find a mom's helper. You can be in the house while some teenager keeps an eye on your children for a hour. During this time, take a bath, do your nails, take a nap....whatever you feel like doing. You guys need to start a date night at least once a month but better every two weeks. NO TALKING ABOUT THE KIDS. Not a word, not a single word about work either. This should be a time to rediscover why you two are together. I would find a marriage counselor through your church if you have one. If not, I am not sure where you live but I might be able to get some suggestions for one. If hubby is resistant to that GO BY YOURSELF. Make a commitment to do this for 6 months. Work on yourself. You can't change the way your husband feels or responds but you can change the way YOU feel and respond to what is happening. In response to the change that YOU make, others will have no choice but to change their response to you since you have changed. If you can't afford a counselor there are many places that do sliding scale or reduced fees.

Good luck and may you find your center again,
C.