4 Year Old Son Having Hard Time Focasing

M.,
Please talk to your pediatrician about this. Just because you don't "want" to get him tested, doesn't mean there's NOT something going on. The earlier they can address and deal with it the better. It might be best to get him evaluated. It may be nothing. This has nothing to do with you staying "strong"! If he has ADD or ADHD, trying to shelter him and treat it yourself is not going to work. It's like trying to treat strep with aspirin.

He might just be a child who does not hear "no" enough! If so, he might just walk the line in school. Most kids (including mine) will listen better to a complete stranger than their own mother. It's just the mother's curse! LOL

In any event, no mother on this board knows your child like you do. No O. is going to be able to "devise" a learning schedule for him. Get a professional opinion please. If you feel, deep down in your gut, that there is another issue going on, you need to look into it further. Good luck!

Try the book Ritalin is Not the Answer- good behavioral strategies in there for home and school. You should also be working to create structure and routine at home. Try making a visual schedule of your day's activities and posting them so that your son can follow-along. Activities should be scheduled in short durations and be table-top activities.

Academically:
- String beads in patterns and have him replicate
- Roll play-doh into shapes and encourage him to do the same
- Write letters to friends and family and get him to sign his name or draw an illustration to go with it
- Color in a coloring book
- Read a book each day and talk about the characters, plot and predict what may happen next

For behavioral issues, you and your parents need to chat. They can't spoil your kids and then leave you to clean-up. I understand that financially you need to live there, but you need to make it clear that you make the rules for your kids. Come up with reasonable and age-appropriate consequences for behaviors and apply them each and every time a behavior occurs.

You could also try enrolling your son in a weekly play group or lesson somewhere to start teaching him how to function in a group.

I totally agree with Denise. Your best bet is to get him evaluated. This is about the time when ADD/ADHD behaviors start to become apparent. It doesn't mean you need to put him on meds, but you will not be able to help him do better if you haven't ruled it out or ruled it in. If you treat an ADHD child like a typical child, you are setting him up to fail. If you treat him like a kid who could behave but just doesn't want to--as opposed to a kid who is doing the best he can but CAN'T calm down and focus like other kids, than you will hurt him and get very frustrated yourself. Until you know more about what is going on, it very unlikely that you will be able to change things.

He doesn't sound that atypical from the average 4 year old boy to me.
Our son will be 4 in a few weeks, and though he's really interested in learning, he has different influences. His sister isn't as interested - different kids, different personalities.

The best thing you can do for him right now is to take him to the pediatrician for a medical evaluation.

I'm not a big fan of medicating children for ADD/ADHD unless it's the only option. My 13 year-old niece has it, and she's a completely different kid medicated vs. non-medicated. We had her spend a week with us 4 years ago, and we gave her the option of taking her medication or not. We noticed that she just needed more attention that she gets at home as a middle child between two spoiled, apple-of-everyone's eyes brothers. She's now so medicated, she prefers that over being non-medicated.

The other point I wanted to make is that learning really starts at home and can take on so many different forms. Just because he's not in a more traditional learning environment doesn't mean you can't get creative and find ways to connect with him - when you're at the park, ask him what colors different things are. When you're in the car, see if he can tell you the first letter in a word on a building and what sound it makes. We used to keep our son awake in the car by asking him detailed questions about his favorite movies. You can do the same about animals. Get a book from the library, and practice helping him spell out the names of the animals. G is for Giraffe - g, g, g!

As for the spoiling - have a talk with your parents and explain that it's getting out of control and see if they can help bring him back. Kids can have a lot of "things", but it's our job as parents to make sure they grow-up to be the best people possible based upon our values. For my husband and me, that means good manners, wanting to help other people, being kind and productive. We make mistakes, but we're doing our best.

Good luck!

When my son got his first report card from kindergarten (he was age 5) everything was excellent except his grade for staying on task. I knew this was a problem for him but I knew the kindergarten teachers are usually masters at handling this behavior. His grades are much better in that department now. I think that the structure involved in kindergarten helps immensely. When he gets out of his comfort zone it will help also. Once he starts school the teacher will be able to give you lots of ideas. He/she will be able to answer your question about having him tested.

don't take him out of school - make sure you stick with it. You can afford school because their are many programs out their in your schools that should be free or very low cost. Home schooling isn't easy.. you need all the tools to do this.. you need to buy into a program and you need to follow thru with all the manuals ... it's not just about teaching. Children need discipline.... you have to work on setting boundaries and teaching him what's right and wrong. ;You have to stop spoiling him and letting him get away with things. When a child goes to kindergarten.. they should know how to write their name.. not wonderful but they should be able to do this. they should know part of the alphabet if not all of it.. they should be able to count to 10 and know their letters and most of the 10 numbers... they should know a square and a circle.. their is alot a child needs to know.. and with most kids going to at least one year of preschool.. and most going to 2 or more... you don't want him to be behind. I don't want to scare you I am just telling you what children know before entering kindergarten. They need to sit and listen... They need to know that raising their hand and the teacher will listen... kindergarten is a lot harder than today. Most kids know their sounds... like a for apple and b for boy... b sounds like ba and m like mah by the end of kinderg. most kids are reading if not.. by beg. of first probably like 80 - 90% are reading and the others will learn... you need to find out what the schools in your area can help you with. do they have free summer programs... and if they do get him in it..and make sure you let him stay their.. don't quit... Hopefully all will work out.. good luck..

Are you just working with him at home, or are you actually home schooling him? I do not home school, but I have been told by moms that do that there are actually webistes that help you plan the days activities, and stores that you can purchase the home school supplies from.

At 4 years old, most kids have a hard time focusing. They do not have a very long attention span, especially if they are bored. When you are working with him, how is the environment? Is it quiet, are there interruptions from the younger child, are the grandparents interupting? Your son will not be able to concentrate if the environment doesn't allow him to.

Why did you have to take your son out of school last year? Was it recommended that you remove him, or was is your idea?

I have a very active 5 year old. I was petrified when she started her first year of preschool. The teacher told me not to worry that once they get in a rountine they settle down. The teachers watch for behavior issues and learning issues and then help parents find the appropriate help if needed.
Have you tried looking into preschool at public schools? It doesn't cost any money where we are, only private preschools do.

Many children do not go to preschool before kindergarden, so you should not be worried about teaching him too much before september. Youmay want to teach him to recognize the letters in his name and maybe to write his name. Also he should be able to tell you his birthday, phone number and street address. All of this you can do easily through out the summer with no "schooling".

Put some magnet letters on the fridge. Each day ask him to show you which letters spell his name. Move on to asking him to identify the letters. If you have magnet numbers, put your phone number on the fridge too and each day go over it with him. Little things like that work great and putno pressure on him.

With summer coming, it is good to have activities for "active" kids. When he starts getting a little crazy, go outside and "run it off". Play a 10 minute game of tag with him. Play hide and seek in the back yard. I would limit the tv time and instead have art time. Let him draw, paint or color. Do it with him, asking him what colors he is choosing, what is he making, why does he like that color. When you engage him, it will cause him to think and he will start to learn his colors too. How about age appropriate puzzle, builing blocks etc. Nature walks are educational too. Point out shapes and colors. Ask him to tell you what shape things look like to him. Collect different shape rocks and leaves.
Most of all, enjoy your summer with him. School time will be here before you know it.

If you are seriously concerned he may have a learning or behavior issue, consult your pediatrician.

Do not take this wrong, but 2 and a half years to potty train tells me, he was not ready when you began. You were ready, he was not. When a child is ready it only takes a couple of weeks.

Also, he spends so much time with all of you, he does not listen to you as a "Teacher" this is not unusual. Children know what they can get away with, especially family. They understand who can be worn down, who can be charmed.

Once children are in school, very precise rules and expectations are given on the first day and they are enforced each time. Children thrive with this. They like knowing what is expected and being recognized for their good behaviors. It is comforting to them to know that if they step out of bounds, someone will care enough to say something to them..

Instead of trying to teach him like in school, let him learn through the natural interactions of family life. Ask him for lots of help that take specific skills to accomplish.. Ask him lots of questions.

"Help me set the table. How many people sit at the table for dinner? We are having a salad, meatloaf, mashed potatoes and rolls. What do we need to set the table with? How many of each item. Please set the table for each person."

"I am going to make lemonade. I need this pitcher to be filled with water up to this line. Please find 8 lemons. Where is the sugar container. I need a 1 cup of sugar, which one is the 1 cup measuring cup? "

"Grandmother is going to the grocery store, help me write a list. We need milk. what letter does milk start with? What is the sound. What letter does it end with? What is the sound of that letter?"

"M looks like this, do you want to practice the letter M? What other things do we need at the store that start with the letter M??"

"Here is grandmothers grocery list, will you help her remember everything on the list? Can you help her find these things at the store?"

"Remember we always use an inside voice inside". "We do not run inside". "I like when you share." "My I borrow your butter knife?" "Thank you for sharing." "You sound frustrated, do you need a minute to feel better?" "Please you use your words" "I do not understand when you talk like a baby."

Whatever need to be corrected or encouraged can be handled like above. EVERYBODY in the house need to participate.. EVERY time..

I am sending you strength.. Hang in there.

Why don't you want to have him tested? Not that you have to of course, but why would that be a last resort? If he has a sore throat, you don't wait to take him to the pediatrician's, so I am a bit confused why testing for ADHD or something else is something you are so set against. No one will start shoving meds down his throat, but it may give you some information you need so you can adjust his eating, sleeping and exercise habits to help him focus better.
Imho, it is never wrong to ask for some help or advice from an expert. In fact, asking for help is how we stay strong moms.

This is my field; I help make school easier is what I tell the kids. Although most children I see are 9 or 10, by doing some things over the summer, your son might be doing much better by September.

Every child I have seen because of academic reasons over the past 9 years has had retained primitive reflexes - they have not fully completed their stages of development. This could be because of Mom being required to have bed rest, a Cesarian or other complicated birth, or skipping over stages - rolling over, crawling. Because the stage was not fully completed, the brain development also doesn't complete.

For example, a child who does not spend enough time on their back to complete inhibiting the Spinal Galant Reflex, have the following symptoms:
 Fidgeting
 Bedwetting
 Poor concentration or attention
 Poor memory
 Very sensitive to several senses (visual, hearing, touch, smell, taste)
 Difficulty reading

If you would like to learn more, please visit my website, www.pyramidofpotential.com or email me back. I'd love to help!

Mary,

Here is what I would do. You have two bullets to bite. First, take care of him being very spoild because that is going to cloud the rationality of the real decision you have to make here. Start being consistnet, say what you mean, do what you say and set appropriate boundaries for him and stick to it every day, all day.

If he responds poorly and cannot adapt his behavior to true and consistent dicipline, then you might just have to realize that you can't "want" your situation into something that is acceptable to you and what he may need is assessment from a professional who can help you with what is going on here. You describe some classic issues, and just maybe, you parent the way you do because of what is going on with your son, not the other way around.

None of us with kids who needed testing wanted it. If you need to face it, then do it and stop making it about what you want, because if he needs it, he needs it and there is nothing you can do to "take it to that point" or prevent that point from happening. You can only prolong the time it takes to get him the help that he needs.

If you took him out of school because of behavior (I don't know this, but if you did), he is hyperactive, he has attention issues, he took 2.5 years to potty train, he is driving your husband crazy, and you feel like there is something you need to do to get him ready for kindergarten, I would suspect the "point" is very near and that giving into it may give you the answers you need, the schedule he needs, and the kinds of different learning ideas that will work for your son.

M.

Schools are under very speicific legal obligations to leave children in regular education settings because of something called "Least Restrictive Environment." Under IDEA, it is very difficult to justfy removing children from the classroom. Please do not let this unfounded fear keep you from getting help for this little guy if he needs it. IMO, you would not be thinking about testing unless he needed it.

Long, long ago, children were removed from class when they were different, but not anymore. Parents are more likely to face an uphill climb to get schools to recognize issues than they are to have children removed from general education, so please, do not let this idea be part of your decison making for getting him help. It is just not the case, nor should it be something you consider as a factor for getting him an initial assessment.

I know these sound unrelated, but make sure he gets physical play time outdoors every day, a good 30 to 60 minutes at least. Also, make sure he goes to bed on time (about 7:30 would be good) don't try to shift him late so that he gets up later, it won't help him out at all.

As far as a schedule for the day, really try to limit TV even though it may make your life easier. This is very hard with 24-hour a day kids programming on multiple channels, plus on-demand, and videos. Maybe he can watch a 30-min show in the morning while you are getting breakfast or doing something with your 2 year old, and 30 to 60 minutes later as you get ready for dinner. At 4 he does not have to do any work that feels like work. There are plenty of pre-K workbooks out there, but there are also video games, puzzles, card games, etc. that are more "fun". You want him to learn the letter sounds, his numbers, very basic addition, and how to write the numbers and letters. Read to him at night.

Try to set up a structure to the day, even if a lot of it is play time. Any work you do with your son (work books, learning games, etc.) do at times where he is most focused, maybe for a 1/2-hour or hour right after breakfast, or maybe when your other son is napping. Just like a bed-time routine, makes that challenge easier, a daily routine will help him focus more, he'll know when TV-time is, free play-time is, and "work" time is (although i wouldn't call it that).

Also, go places where he can learn a little but they are still fun. Kids are sponges. When my daughter was 4, they learned about the lighthouse in Sandy Hook in her preschool class. My husband and I were trying to decide on a place for a family hike, and the first spot we went was really muddy. We were talking in the car and mentioned hiking around Sandy Hook (it was winter). A little voice from the back seat said "there's a Sandy Hook in NJ", and I said that was where we were going, she said "it has the oldest lighthouse in the country" - I had to fact check this, but it does have the oldest lighthouse in continuous operation. You could get a book on NJ from the library or book store, and pick destinations to visit and incorporate the facts from the book. He's 4, he doesn't need too much detail. There are plenty of places you could go that are either free or have a very small entrance fee that will get you all out of the house, pique your son's interest, and allow him to learn a little along the way. Find the smaller, local zoos, or Agricultural Colleges to see animals, etc.

Good luck, and have fun!

My son is also 4 and very active. My daughter is 17 months so we also spent a long time potty training because he wasn't quite ready before the baby and then I was distracted for a long time after. He still needs supervision with the bathroom. Your son doesn't sound that different from mine. He is in preschool but struggled a lot with behavior issues earlier in the year.
I would check with the public school to see of you have free pre-K in your district. I also live in NJ and we have it in our district. The public library had story hour and playgroup which can help him get used to a group of peers. The library may also have children's magazines with activities for him. I saw ones with animals including a preschool National Geographic one. My son is pretty active so I try to have him learn by doing whenever I can. He practices counting jumps on the mini trampoline. You can try letters by making in the shapes in something (sand, pudding, etc).

You have the Turtle Back Zoo near you and there is also a small zoo in Van Saun Park in Paramus. The Van Saun Park zoo is free Mondays and Tuesdays. Also in Paramus is the NJ Children's Museum which is designed for preschoolers (any kid between 1 and 7 would probably like it). Liberty Science Center is in Jersey City. If you planned 1 "field trip" per month you could do a lot (especially if you had another adult to go with you so your older one could have extra attention from you).

I also agree with the previous post that said to get him outdoors for active play every day if possible. You might also see if his behavior improves with a slightly earlier bedtime. My son is extra hyper when he is overtired and 15 to 30 minutes makes a big difference. ( I read about a study that concluded that kids lose about 2 years emotional maturity for every 15 minutes of missed sleep.)

The most important thing I can think will help you is to take out most all of the extra influences in the room where you teach him-in other words he should only have the work at hand in front of him and all else should be moved and covered so he has nothing else to look at or distract him. Then you need to be right there almost in his face to help him learn how to focus. I know this sounds harsh but it does help him and he is young and if he is in fact this "hyper" you might need to get medical help but that could be in the future-not now. Work in small time spaces say around 15 minutes and stay with only one thing-then give him time to reflect on his learning before you enter a new project-some children need time to "get it into their brain" This could be a medical situation also-be sure to document your process when you do see a doctor so they can help guide you to where you would need help. Quite often children that are over-active are removed from regular classrooms because the teacher does not have enouugh help/extra aides in the room to work with individuals-work on this now before he enters school.