35 Or 5? Another Question Got Me Thinking...

If your parents wont have to bail you out and feel put upon by you having more children then I see no reason for their fears.
If you share with them all of your ups and downs and money problems you are giving them valid reasons to fear you may not be able to handle it.
Being mature and capable involves not letting your family know your minute by minute problems in your own immediate family. If you act like a child they will continue to treat you as such.
I would think long and hard about what you share with your parents and you will probably understand why they feel you shouldnt have another child, and maybe they are correct. No one knows us like our own parents especially if you have not cut the strings entirely and become completely independent of them.
Also people my age really see what an economic crisis our country is in and how bad the crime is and how bad the schools are becoming and it concerns us as parents and as grandparents. We are a little wiser by life lived longer and some of our fears and concerns for our grown children are valid ones.

.... its such a meandering issue huh?

... I am friends, with many elderly Grandparents at my Daughter's school. They babysit/drop-off and pick-up their Grandkids from school everyday and babysit them afterschool. Sometimes even on weekends.
THEY... all tell me that it is hard. On them. They are old, they get tired, their day is spent driving the kids around and babysitting. They don't have time to go on their own appointments etc.
But at the same time, they do love their Grandkids, of course.
BUT, it is the 'daily' hardships... of minding the kids, everyday, that gets them. AND they get no 'thanks' from the parents. Nor any appreciation... only nit-picking. So, that is what they resent.

The Grandparents I know.... are "tied-down" in a sense, even if they are Retired, because, their "job" is to provide care-taking for their Grandkids, during the weekdays. And sometimes on the weekends.
So their life, revolves around THAT. And they do not get, much consideration for the fact that they have their own lives, too.

For you though, you do not 'burden' your parents/the Grandparents with your kids. But they do have a sort of 'fear' that they will be 'burdened' by how many kids you have. So that is where their comments originate from.

But, I hear many elderly, echo these sentiments to me. About, their Grandkids and how many kids their offspring have.

One Grandparent I know... fainted and fell once. At home. He hit his head. Had to see a Specialist. He is Elderly. Still.. the next day, there he is, driving the kids to and from school and with his wife, babysitting the youngest child. Still. I asked him what his Son did, about his fall? He said nothing. But they wanted to know if he could still drive the kids to and from school.

Elderly, get concerns & fears about their lives. Their health. Their mobility. Their energy levels. Their wanting to enjoy their lives too when retired, and relax. Their concerns, are different, than those of young adults or of children.

But your family size, is your decision.

My niece is heavily reliant on her mother (my SIL) for childcare. When she became pregnant with her 3rd, my SIL was really upset b/c she had just gotten her career back "on track" after baby #2. While you may not call on your parents continually to "watch" your kids, it's possible that your friend asks her parents to help-out far more than you realize.

My sister is very similar... says she "never" asks my parents to watch the twins for them, but my mom watches them several times a week so she can "run a quick errand". It adds-up faster than you realize.

Do you complain to your mom about being tired, overloaded, lonely, etc? You may not realize how often you give them signals that you have your hands full with two. If your husband is deployed then there will be a 1:3 ratio in your house...meaning mom and dad may be "offering" more help... hence tying them down.

I'm not agreeing with your mom here, but if they are active and have a busy life of their own they may be worried that you will need lots of help with a new baby.

they probably see the growing number of grandparents who are either very or at least somewhat integral to the daily managing of their children's kids. for a lot of grandparents it IS too much. doesn't sound as if yours are very put upon, though. and the snarky comments must get old pretty quickly.
it may be time for a kind but straightforward conversation with your mom.
khairete
S.

It sounds like they are just worried about you. With premature baby in the past and hubby being deployed, it probably seems like a lot to them. If you can handle it all, I wouldnt let them decide.

honey, is this question about having more kids or is this about your meddiling parents, who think its up to them how many kids you have ?dont leave it up to anybody but who is going to changing the kids diapers. if your parents dont like it, too bad. one is enough for me, but then again..i am forty one, not married (living with my partner, the babys father), and disabled. so, one is about all that i want to handle. and i run my own cleaning business.
K. h. , the apartment looks like a giant playroom, but the fridge is always full and the errands are always handled.

Hi A.,
As I was reading your question I was thinking how incredibly similar my situation is and you totally have my sympathy! My parents are also a little TOO involved in my life and think they have a say in my decisions. My mom just has no real sense of boundaries, and no matter how many conversations we have about it I don't see any change in sight. We are in the process of remodeling our kitchen, and my parents were here when the contractor came by to check on something. My mom actually interrupted the meeting and cut me off in mid-sentence to tell the contractor what SHE thought he should change in MY kitchen!
Anyway, to address the #3 question- I had 17 month old twins when my husband was deployed to Iraq. Lo and behold, 2 weeks after he left I found out I was expecting #3! My mom absolutely freaked out! My dad was concerned about how I would handle it too. I felt like I was a 12 year old being reprimanded for signing up for too many activities or something! My parents offered a ton of help, and I took them up on it but I never asked them to do anything other than stay with the twins when it was time for the baby to be born. My parents have to admit I'm a very competent mom, even if I don't keep a perfect house. It's frustrating as hell to have parents who want to control your life as if you're still a child, but I have to believe it's just because they care and don't want to see you have any difficulty. If you do have a third child I'm sure your parents would adore him/her as much as the others. My husband helps out with stuff like laundry and dishes, grocery shopping, etc. but isn't a handyman. We hire out when we can, but I'm also happy to give up some of the domestic duties to him and install a new thermostat or caulk the tub myself. If a little "role reversal" would work for you and your DH maybe that would appease your parents. Sometimes we just can't satisfy them though. At 40 I'm just figuring out that I've got to live my life for ME and not them! Hope that helps.

They are your parents. Do you feel comfortable enough to ask them why they feel like you should not have another baby? I'll bet if you just talk to them you'll understand why they say what they do. Explain to them that you would like to complete your family with a 3rd and let them air their concerns.

Your parents sound like mine. I have a new found respect for them since having 3 of my own and trying to keep a clean house and stay organized. I talk to them on the phone about 3x a week and sometimes I feel like I complain or vent to them a bit much, but who better to vent to then Mom! In the process I get stories back about us growing up in her house. It's kind of neat. But they've never treated me like a child and respect my decisions. They understand that my DH and I make the best decisions for OUR family.

Like you, we are never always close to my parents geographically, so they can't help with everyday stuff - but when I had #3 and DH was on an IA my mother had no hesitation to fly to California to help me. When they are (or we are) visiting though, they have a hard time agreeing to 'babysit' even for a couple hours. They were taken advantage of by both of my sisters who live very near to them and so they are done being babysitters. Help? yes. Babysit? no.
Perhaps they feel like when they do watch the kids they are already overwhelmed and adding a third would be too difficult for them to handle. Let them express their concerns to you and reassure them that you will not take advantage of their help or ask them to do any more than they can handle. Perhaps they feel as though you are overwhelmed - but you can see if they remember when you were little how tough it was, but as you got older it wasn't as difficult.

I will add that having a third is a bit harder, not only when your DH is home but especially when he's not. Only you know if you are capable of handling 3 by yourself.

I still agree 110% with MomofMany's answer on that other post you mentioned.

Children are a great blessing - we have got it backwards in this country. Is it easy to raise kids? Heck no! Cheap? No! But they truly are our future!

So long as you do not depend or lean on your parents (and most of us have family members who do this stuff and that's a whole different story) then it's none of their concern. If they don't want to help watch the kids when your husband returns from deployment (!!) then fine. Move on. But I would never let them dictate my family size to me.

I responded to the other question as well, and I feel like we are in the same situation. It is generally accepted the 2 is plenty. We have tried to be very open about having another baby someday... but we still get comments as bad as "I don't want any more grandchildren." My husband was deployed when our second was born, and as far as I am concerned it is always a possibility. As long as you and your husband feel you can handle a third child with your life style - I say go for it and try not to worry about anyone else.