I have a 3 year old daughter that "self explores" on occasion. Sometimes it is full blown masturbation and other times her hand is on her genitals. I was told today that she will place her hand on her genitals at school during nap time. She doesn't nap. We have told her (at the advice of others) that her genitals are not a toy and that she should not "play" with her genitals, we have told her that touching her genitals is a very private thing and that other people may become upset or uncomfortable. She understands that this type of behaviour is not "public" because the teacher says she will remove her hand(s) if she see someone coming or if she gets "caught" she'll say "I'm not doing it anymore". We have not seen her doing this at home lately but apparently it happens quite often at school. Any suggestions as to how we should handle this? Any insight as to why she's doing this? (I've read that in some cases it's a calming action. If it is I'd like to find out what's bothering her). She's way past potty training. Most research that I've found deals more with boys than girls. Thank you!
Hi everyone, first let me say thank you to all that responded. I really appreciate the input. But now I have a second question in parallel to my first question. I want to say they we are in total agreement with all of you that said self exploring is nothing to be ashamed of but that it's something we do in private. To clarify my statement regarding her genitals are not a toy and she should not "play" with them, she told us and her ped that her genitals are a toy and "she's just playing". Our ped suggested that we tell her they are not a toy etc and that it's private etc. So he's on the same wave length as all of you. Secondly, someone mentioned that she might be ashamed because she has been "caught" at school. She is NOT ashamed in the least bit. ;-) She totally gets that she should do this in private and not at school which is why she responds with "not doing it anymore" etc. So this brings me to part 2 of my question...the school views this type of activity differently than we do or then most of the posts. The student body and faculty are predominantly ethnic so there is a culture difference going on. I know I need to take their observations on advisement along with our gut feelings. What is your suggestion as to how to respond to the faculty without ruffling feathers? Again, thank you to all of you for your responses. Keep them coming. I'm so glad that Mamasource is finally in San Fran! Have a great weekend!
It feels good. She likes it. But she needs to understand that it's something that should only be done in private. Sounds like she may already be getting the idea that some people think it's bad --- you don't want her to think that.
Masterbation like all other sexual exploration is completely natural and Yes, some sources in Child Development say that it is soothing. Do not read into it that there is something troubling her so much as that she is self-soothing like sucking a thumb or rubbing a blanket is self-soothing. Your and other adults' reactions to her behavior can either help her to feel good about herself or bad about herself. Tell her where and when she can do this. The bathtub is the usual place for children to explore themselves or their own bedroom. Tell her that it is a private experience, something that she can do, but only at home in her room or in the bathroom where no one can see. Her early experiences and reactions from other adults could define whether she has a healthy sexual image of herself when she is an adult or if she as a dirty image of herself and sex as an adult.
If she is no longer a napper and does not require the 30 to 90 minute quiet time to sleep she might just be bored at school. Talk with her teacher about an alternate activity. Maybe she can look at a book quietly after the other children have had a chance to fall asleep (10 minutes of quiet with a promise of a quiet activity might work for everyone). Another thought is quietly coloring or drawing pictures. Obviously, if it is nap time at child care the provider is wanting all of the children that need naps to be encouraged to take a nap, but if your daughter does not need one she shouldn't be left in quiet time on her mat or blanket for the full time, just until the sleepers fall asleep. I really hope this helps. Another resource is Barnes and Nobles or the library for Child Development books. :)
My 4-year-old is also pretty fond of her area. I think it's calming in the thumb-sucking, I'm ready to sleep kinda way, not that there is anything bothering her that she needs to deal with. Generally speaking, I think it's pretty innocuous (and I personally don't subscribe to the "your body is not a toy" theory, it's her body after all). I think the focus should just be that it's private touching that she should just do when she's alone. Keep reminding her, gently and with understanding, and try not to talk too much about how other people feel about her touching (you don't want to add in any additional shame here) but focus instead on how it's not for any one else but her.
Good luck and take a deep breath, this is a phase she will work through!
This is completely normal and natural for her to discover this area. When you touch it, it feels good. It is the grown ups who know the connection to this action that are uncomfortable. That is why I agree with what is said here, not that it is not OK to play with yourself, but that there is a time and place for it. It is a new discovery for her and soon the fascination will fade. I remember being mortified when my daughter discovered hers. She would sit wide open in the living room. Soon, when she realized she had to get up and leave the family to do it, it became less attractive. This is a phase and it will pass. Try hard, and I know it is SO hard, not to be shocked and judgemental.
And just wait until your son finds his, hee hee:)
My 4 year old daughter Really likes herself too. She's been Doing it ever since i can remember, 16 months at the earliest. We've always been very concious of making it an acceptable thing, but with very strict parameters. Only in her bed, when no one else was in her room. She sometimes gets in our bed in the mornings, and she did try to do it there also, but we again told that if she wanted to do that, she had to be in her bed.
When I wake her up from her naps, she is usually doing it, half asleep, i'm not sure if she did it when she was in preschool, but it's a pretty fair assumption. If she did, the teachers never told me about it. I think that it's something that all little girls do to some degree. The only thing that you can do is make them see how it's supposed to fit into life. I think that if she keeps her hands off in public, uless she's napping, that you can count yourself lucky.
From your explaination of her reactions when she is getting caught it seems like somehow she is already associating "shame" in touching herself. She does it because it feels good. I remember when I was little I figured it out and did it just because it felt good. Not because I had problems or whatever some folks may thing. My daughter is 4 and she does exactly the same thing. I tell her that she needs to be careful with her vagina and if she wants to touch it she needs to do it in her room in private. And when I catch her and remind her that she needs to be careful and if she wants to do that to go into her room, she NEVER heads to her room to continue. She wants to be with us more then she wants to do that.
Anyway, I certainly don't want her to grow up thinking that masterbation is something to feel shame or guilt over so I don't like to say "don't do that".
I'd suggest let her do it but gently guide her to realize that it should be done in private in her room and not at school. Good luck!
Don't worry about it too much. My daughter was rubbing herself on a pole everyday at kindergarten during recess. It took awhile to get her to stop doing it in public. She never did it at home because we do not have any poles around here..Awwhhhhhh
When I use to work in at a preschool a lot of kids did this, especially during nap time. I specifically remember one boy in the toddler/two class and a girl in the 2, 3, 4 class doing this. We use to say, "we do that at home" or "we do that in private" you don't want to give her the message that it's bad or wrong to do, it's a natural curiosity. It probably feels good and the skin down there feels different then the different parts of her body. I'm not sure there is much you can do to stop the behavior, just remind her it's something she does in private.
C.
you may want to look into the possibility of her having yeast overgrowth in her digestive system. yeast overgrowth can express itself in many ways, one of which is when a person is constantly scratching their genitals. she may need a round of pro-biotics and a change in diet for awhile. you can do some research online and/or take her to a holisitic doctor if you would like to have someone take a look at your daughter and see if she might have the overgrowth. something like 80% of the population has the overgrowth. it's really common and not healthy. good luck!
I have heard that telling them that it's a private thing to be done only in their room sometimes help.
good luck
K.
I would try rewording your directions to your daughter. It is normal and natural to explore but you are right, not in public. She should be taught, if you are going to do that, pleasse go to your room or wait until you get home, because it is a private thing. Please stray away from guilt or shame for doing this and teach her appropriate times and places. As everything in our childs life and behaviors. . . this too will pass.
Hi there,
I'm no expert, and my daughter is only 14 months old. But when the time comes, I think I'll try to explain to her that it is something to be done in private, but that it's normal and okay. Sounds like your daughter is already feeling ashamed or thinks it's wrong if she's feeling "caught". It is her body and I'd be careful not to give any negative or guilty associations, while teaching her that it's not appropriate to do in front of other people. Now, how you do that I can't help with! :)
Those are my two cents. Good luck!
H.
