How Do I Discipline to This Issue That My 4 Yr Old Does?

I also have a 4 year old that engages in this behavior. I have talked to the pediatrician and done some reading on the subject. The important thing to remember is that this is completely normal behavior for their age. And any 'messages' we give them about it are likely to remain with them.

There really is no way to stop it without the negativity. I don't want to do that to my daughter. In my opinion, growing up is hard enough. What we have done is spoken to her about things that are to be done in private only. If she wishes to do it, it must be in her room and only when she is alone. We have not observed her doing it anymore.

Good luck! This is a tough one but you are not alone.

I have 2 girls and worked at a daycare for awhile. I actually never saw this. Who was she witnessing this from? This is not typical...although at her young age if she sae someone doing it and it feels good I could see why it would normally be picked up. But who and when she saw this is a bit worrisom.

Wow, T., did you read all of the responses from people who have experience as childcare providers who say that this is normal and not to shame your daughter about it? Or others who have children or family members who did the same thing only to be told it was a normal phase by their pediatricians? I think you should investigate your own negative interpretation of her innocent behavior. I'm surprised you still threatened to take her security blanket away because you were uncomfortable with her coping mechanisms. Call her doctor or read up on the issue if all of the advice you received was not enough to convince you to leave your poor daughter alone. Best of luck to you.

T. -

Telling your daughter what you have chosen to tell her is not the truth and that is not good parenting. I know you are digusted and am asking you to get past that and try and work with this on a better level for you and your family.

Once you stop reacting so much - and I know it's very hard - she will let it go. You let go - she will let go. Get it? You teach her to do what you first need to do, yourself.

There is nothing wrong with telling her that her behavior is inappropriate and then immediately move on to . . "okay, what else can we do instead?" Put the focus on having fun figuring out what else she can do for her nap rituals - you can do a burrito wrap - where you wrap her blankie around her like a burrito, to tuck her in, or whatever fun stuff she likes for pre-nap settling in.

Focus on what you want, not what you don't want.

Good luck - I know you can figure this out with her - make it fun! (Then you remove the judgment, shame, etc.. and it will feel much better to her - she doesn't understand what an adult does, so treat her with more care and fun on this - it will be fine T..)

Alli

T., I understand how this is disgusting but actually it's a natural part of growing up. Most likely, if you ignore your daughter's behavior (rather than getting on to her) then she'll stop on her own. I know that it's difficult to ignore certain behaviors but if children don't get attention for something then they usually stop. Alot of times, children will do something just to get a response from us and this sounds like that is the case here.

I'm sure you'll get more advice, much better than what I've just given you but I just wanted you to know that this is not unusual. Good luck!

This behavior will not harm her, in fact you making a big deal out of it will harm her more. I worked in daycare for 20 years and we saw this behavior - which is normal behavior- quite a lot. We solved it by telling the children who were pleasuring themselves that it was just not appropriate (never use the word bad) to do when others were around - it was a private activity and if they needed to they could go to the bathroom or stop the movement - daycare room was not the appropriate place. This solved most problems and the kids were still innocent enough not to be embarrassed and understood the idea about privacy and private parts.

This can be very disconcerting to parents, but sexuality is a very natural thing and no one should be made to feel ashamed of their growing/maturing sexuality. That being said, however, this is not normal behavior for a child at age 4. My first suggestion is for you to take her to a pediatrition and have her examined carefully to make sure she has not been sexually abused in any way....be sure to let your doctor know that you don't think this is the case, explain to him/her what has been happening and that you are just making sure she is ok before proceeding. Then you, as her mother, should sit down and talk with her to find out exactly why she thinks/feels this is appropriate behavior.
She should be able to talk to you about this without being made to feel embarassed or ashamed....get suggestions from your pediatritian if you have to for the best way to talk with her about her behavior. She is your precious child and needs your understanding and support to learn the proper behavior - she should never be made to feel unloved or that she is disgusting or nasty to you - you are her everything in the world at this time of her life. she needs you and loves you and depends on you for everything. Teach her lovingly and she will respond lovingly.

Dear T.,

According to child psychology books that I've read, it is natural for children to explore sexuality just as they do everything else. At age four, it might be appropriate to calmly and kindly explain to your daughter that while there's nothing wrong or dirty with any part of her body, some parts of it are 'private', 'special' (choose your favorite POSITIVE term), and that we don't touch them or show them in front of other people unless it's someone we really love (like mommy and daddy, who after all might still need to help with bathing and toileting!) We also don't let anyone touch them except people we really really love and trust (again, like mommy and daddy--no need to go further in explaining what love can mean later, unless she asks).

It's important to leave out the 'dirty' and 'nasty' comments, in order for you child not to grow up feeling that her body itself (she herself) is inherently bad or dirty. Because she's not! "Dry humping' is something your daughter probably has not idea what it is connected to, and when you say it is going to hurt her, you are not being quite honest with her. How is it going to hurt her? Instead, emphasize that her body is 'precious', ' important' etc, and especially those private parts, and that's why we don't talk about or touch them in front of most people.

Telling her NEVER to touch herself is a mistake--let's face it, everyone is going to at some point explore sexual pleasure on their own, and if you make it seem dirty you are only setting her up for guilt. The important thing about sexual exploration is not that it shouldn't happen , but that the child understands its private nature.

Perhaps there views are too 'open' for your family, but I hope you think of them with an open heart. Judging your children for their sexuality or their curiosity about it, will only distance the child from you and encourage them to hide any future curiosity. wouldn't you prefer that your daughter come to YOU with questions she might have instead of being afraid to do so because of the reaction she might get?
Please feel free to contact me if I wasn't quite clear, or if you would like to know where to learn more about children and sexuality.

good luck!
G.

I think adding drama to the situation may just complicate things and confuse her. She's too young to have any idea what "nasty" is and it really won't "hurt" her. That being said, it is very odd and I understand why you would like her to stop. She and the other kids obviously are getting attention and causing excitement when they do this, and that's probably their motivation to do this in the first place. I would calmly interrupt what she's doing and engage in other activity with her, like play a game or with her favorite toy. Don't let it get a rise out of you, because I think that feeds the behavior. And any notion of it being a bad sexual thing should not be communicated to her at all. It won't help since her brain is not near that level at all. This may take patience, so don't be dissuaded if she doesn't stop right away. Spending time with her doing something else to preempt it will work. Also, you definitely need to talk to the daycare supervisors and find out more information about why this is happening and how they are handling the situation. The kids shouldn't be running the show.

I don't think it's a "discipline" issue, it's a normal thing a lot of kids go through. I would tell her not to do it in public, whether you want to let her do it in privacy, that's another matter. Maybe the less attention you give to it the better. It's a toughie, good luck.

This is a natural thing and she will outgrow it. Just leave her alone and do NOT tell her that it is nasty. This alone can have devastating effects on her later on in life. She can start to believe that any sexual acts are "Nasty". Even though she is just 4, she is unaware of what she is actually doing. I had an issue with one of my daughters and her pediatrician told me what I told you. she has long since out grown it for over 3 years now. Just let nature take its own course and she'll be fine

This is not a discipline issue. Some children will do this as a way to cope. It's common for children this age. Please don't tell you daughter that this is "nasty". She's going to grow up with personal and self image issues! I think you are over reacting. Just tell her that "we don't do this sweetie" and then put the blanket back on her normal and leave it alone.

I would say it's probably a coping mechanism she picked up due to the stress of being away from her home and parents. The other children probably do it for the same reason too. I would leave it alone. Don't say anything and since she's home now with you, hopefully she will phase it out. You may also want to try stroking her back until she settles, ie. turn her attention to some other behavior you find more appealing, but I would refrain from telling her it's nasty, that could have lasting repercussions.

Best wishes!

Hi T. , have you talked to your doctor , maybe she has or is getting a urine infection, or maybe she just wants to be rocked to sleep in a rocking chair, It just sounds kind of funny that she does that, also is the daycare where she goes ,is it a good daycare ? I mean ,I don't want to put any scary ideas in your head , but you never know , look into the caregivers there are they licensed to care for young children ? Just keep an eye open . Have you tried reading a story to your baby or maybe singing to her and just padding her to sleep , I know when my kids were little , I used to pad them on their little behinds softly to rock them to sleep and sometimes they would rock back and forth and then they would fall asleep... Good luck and maybe its nothing . God Bless you and your family....And T. , you are a great mother , just stay reassure your daughter that you love her and you are just concern for her and you want to make everything for her comfortable when she goes to sleep maybe just rub her back sing her a lullaby and you'll see she fall asleep before you know it... she just wants to rock herself to sleep....

please do not tell your daughter that she is nasty or bad for doing this. is it actually very normal at this age. it is not at all sexual to her, it just feels good. the best way to handle this is to teach her about privacy, like going to the bathroom, it is something that she should do in public. you are in danger of instilling negative perseptions of her sexually later on in life if you start now teaching her that her body or feelings are bad. just don't freak out. don't give it that much attention. and don't be disgusted, you aren't disgusted when she poops, are you? it is all perfectly natural. talk with your ped. or read more on the subject to make yourself more comfortable with the stage. just remember her future body image is in your hands. you want her to grow up feeling normal and healthy not freakish and nasty!
lots of love, and luck! :0 i have 3 girls of my own, so been there.....
T.

You don't discipline for this. You realize that this is a developmental thing she is doing.........that you also probably did at that age........you just don't remember it.

I used to teach Kindergarten for 2 years & during "rest time" after lunch every year a few little kids would do that while laying on their nap mats w/ the blankets. It's a "calming" mechanism. Any adult who does that now is relaxed afterwards - right?? Look at men who fall asleep immediately after they......you know what I mean. It's totally NORMAL & she'll stop doing it in time. If you make it "nasty" or "wrong" you will confuse her. If you see her doing it at home while she's laying down, ask her if she'd like you to read her a book for a minute OR lay down w/ her. Try to re-direct her in a gentle manner. AND remember - she didn't "pick this up" at daycare.......she would have done it eventually if she was a stay at home pre-schooler. It's developmental - call your pediatrician if you're that concerned. I guarantee she/he will say the same thing.

I hate to tell you this, but your daughters actions are completely normal for her age. Instead of telling her it is nasty, which is going to cause her issues, you should try to explain what is done in private and what is acceptable in public. It's not going to hurt her - and if you try punishing her for something that is completely normal, you are going to instill negative associations with her body and shell have issues.
JMHO

T.,

Believe me when I say, it is not abnormal or disgusting...although I know it can be embarrassing. My daughter is 5 and at 4 yrs old she started climbing up the poles on the playground and hanging on. Soon we found out from her that, "it feels good down there." At first I was concerned, but after reading a few books on the subject I quickly realized that it is completely normal. As mentioned, children are discovering their bodies..they are too young for this to be puposely sexual in any way..it is just what they have discovered (with help of others at daycare or on their own). The book I would recommend is "Everything you never wanted your kids to know about sex (but were afraid they'd ask): The secrets of surviving your child's sexual development from birth to the teens" by Justin Richardson, MD and Mark Schuster, MD, PhD. The book explains also that if the activity (ie ok I am going to say it- masturbation) gets to the level that the child is not socializing and it is affecting their friendships and playtime, then consult a doctor. We simply explained to our daughter that we are not mad at her and know that when she does that it makes her feel good, but that it is private and we want her to play with her friends. She has gotten much better. You are not alone and it probably isn't the fault of the daycare experience and something she would have figured out sooner or later. Good luck.

Hi T., I too, was shocked and maybe a little disgusted when I found out what my daughter was doing wasn't my imagination! I am really easy going but I was shocked!! I'm ok with it now that I know more about it. I talked to the pediatrician and I was told that it's absolutely normal. They just need to be told that it's private and go to their room. If they aren't hurting themselves than it shouldn't be a problem other than to us. The more attention brought to it the more it may cause long term damage to her psyche (sp?). She just needs to understand that it's private and if you have to take her there yourself, that that is only for alone time...period. No sense in getting angry with it but be stern. My daughter still sometimes slips into that and we have come to the conclusion is that it of course feels good but she doesn't understand why, but that it's also a comfort to her. It's not as odd as you think. I found that out too! hang in there It does get better and you are not alone with this!! It is very natural and they are learning every step of the way!

One last thought...You might want to hold her close when it is sleeping time. Let her take her nap in your bed and just snuggle with her, she may just be looking for a little more security...the stimulation may make her feel better. I would try making the just-before-bed time special, a real touchy and snuggly time that tells her she is totally secure and indicates that her physical needs are being met already...you might be surprised at how well she does.

I agree with most of the others that have responded. I'm the mother of 2 girls, 4 and 7, and we have dealt with this issue. This behavior is sooo normal. She will grow out of it. I think by threatening to take away her security blanket you may be causing her more stress. I would personally (and have done so) ignore the behavior, the more you focus on it the more she will want to do it. And possibly instead of reprimanding her for this behavior when she starts doing it maybe redirect it to something else, possibly try giving her a new lovey to cuddle with when she's sleeping. From your info, it looks like since she was only in daycare for 6 mths, it may have stressed her a bit just going into it, she's back home with you, I really think this behavior will stop on it's own. I think we all have to remember when kids do this sort of thing, they don't see it the same way we do, it is purely innocent on their part.
Best of luck

I worked in a daycare and there was a little girl that did that but she had major issues. I also agree not to add the extra drama. I would just take the blanket or redirect her attention to something else. Telling her it's nasty may give her negative views about intimacy and sex later on. I know it's early to think about that but kids are sponges.

First I would say don't make such a big deal out of it. I think all kids do it and the more you react, the worse it becomes. Also, by saying it is nasty and will hurt it, when it is perfectly natural thing, could also cause problems later on. You should explain that this needs to be done in private only and send her to off to her room or the bathroom if she does it in a family room.

This is very normal behavior for a 4 year old and should NEVER be punished by telling her it is nasty unless you want her to grow up thinking that sensual feelings are nasty. Four year olds are feeling sensation in their sexual regions and exploring them. They need to be taught that certain things are not done in public (now is the time to be giving her privacy in the bathroom and explaining that people do certain things that have to do with touching their own bodies in private. Using the blanket like she does needs to be taught as a "private behavior" (you'll need to help her understand the difference between private and public in general). Show her some things she CAN do with the blanket to help her sleep and enlist the teacher in re-directing her to that behavior when she does the behavior you DON'T like. ABOVE ALL ELSE DO NOT SHAME HER FOR THE BEHAVIOR----IT IS BIOLOGICAL AT HER AGE AND SHAMING HER WILL DAMAGE HER SELF-ESTEEM!!!!!
Good luck!
L.
Early Education Specialist
Basic Trust: Parenting Support Services

Over 25 years experience with infants, toddlers, and pre-schoolers.

Hmm - is she asleep or napping when this activity occurs - or is it a purposeful wakeful act that she thinks is funny and designed to get your attention and annoy you?

If she is asleep or napping - she has probably discovered what stimulation from the blanket feels like, and she enjoys it. If that is the case - i would definately stay away from telling her she is bad or nasty. Just try to gently and indirectly discourage it in public. Im sure other moms or your Pedi will have some good suggestions on how to handle it. (Remember -a 4yr old will not truly understand what "nasty" means - except it is something you do not like. How you handle this could impact their later feelings of self worth when the sexuality kicks in during adolescence)

On the other hand, if it is a deliberate attention getting behavior intending to be funny - well - follow your usual method for discouraging any type of undesirable behavior.

About me - a 53 yr old working wife with two grown kids and "grammy" to a wonderful granddaughter.

This is a common thing that alot of children do. However parents don't like to talk about it . Your first natural reaction is to tell you child don't do that thats nasty. But like the other mothers have said this can have long term affects on your child. I found my daughter doing this one day , at first it was a shock. I explained to her that it was something she should do in private when she was alone. Hopefully everything works out for you .

I hate to say it, but this is so common in girls this age. I don't have girls, but my niece and very best friends daughter did this at this age. DO NOT punish her, it is so natural, she would have discovered it somewhere else. The only thing I would maybe do, if all these girls are doing it at nap time together at school, I would have to director talk to them. Tell them it is a natural thing, but it is something that should only be done in privacy in their bedrooms. There is no sense in taking the blankets away, they will find something else.. My friends daughter would use her own hand after her Mom took the blanket and stuffed animal away. IT will pass, it has for the 2 girls I know. I know it is strange, but it is human.

T. - I really hope you'll listen to my advice. Please do NOT make your daughter feel like she is doing something wrong. It will not hurt her.. Don't take her silky away. You're punishing her for having natural sexual feelings that kids start to get at her age. She will start to feel ashamed for having those feelings and feel bad for it. THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO!!! I will tell you from experience.. my mother raised me to think that any kind of sexual ANYTHING was dirty and wrong and punishable.. And guess what. I have serious sexual and intimacy issues with my husband now that we are in counseling for because my parents did exactly what you are talking about. My mother feels horrible now htat she knows how it's affected my life. She is normal!! Let her be normal, don't make her feel guilty. It's horrible to not be able to share that with my husband now becuase I still feel bad about anything sexual. I really hope you will take the advice along these lines becuase you are irreversibly hurting your daughter by shaming her. Tell her that's a private thing and explain to her WHY IT'S NORMAL to have those feelings, and to do things like that away from other people. But PLEASE don't shame your 6 year old and damage that part of her.

I know that this is not really what you want your little one to be doing, but is she doing it only at home and in her room? If so, be careful not to discourage being able to discover her body and how it works. Apparently she has discovered a sensation, if you make a big deal about it, the behavior will be learned as BAD and therefore teaching that her body is bad, and that she is bad. Possible giving her a poor body image. My suggestion would be to ignore it as long as it is in private. She will out grow it.

I agree with Mel's response, that is a weird thing! I also agree that you should check things out with the daycare.

But I think the way to deal with it at home is just like solving any other problem. If what you are doing isn't working, try something else (more to the opposite of what you are currently doing).

I TOTALLY understand that you would get worked up about this, because that would be my first response too. But you could try to be really calm about it the next time it happens. Gently approach her and take the blanket away. If she gets mad, defensive or feisty, just calmly say "It's OK.", get the blanket and put it away. DON'T make a big deal over it and try to defer her attention elsewhere.

You don't want this to become a big ISSUE and have her fighting for the blanket just so she can "win". Some kids are so headstrong.

One thing I always have to remember when I am parenting my 4 kids is that, " I am bigger, I am older,and I am the boss.". This doesn't mean that I'm mean and I'm a bully, it just means that the kids aren't going to run me around. It also means that I have to be mature and not scream like a banchy (which is so hard at times :p) Be respectful to them, but you be in charge!

Good luck!

how do you know she picked it up from other kids? Did she tell you that? You really shouldn't make a big deal out of it or punish her. She has no idea what she's doing. She is 4 for god's sake. Just ask her if she needs to go to the bathroom, and tell her just to do it in private...I have a few friends who have admitted to me that they did this as children but used stuffed animals.

You are over reacting! The attention will reinforce the action. She does not have sexual ideas unless you put them there.

This is a very sensitive issue. Unfortunately, children do imitate what they see. I wonder why the staff didn't do something to curtail the situation, just a simple, "That's not okay," may have worked without elaborating. I majored in early childhood education and right now she may be too young to realize this is not acceptable behavior but may as she gets older, children do become more shameful of their actions.

Hello, I have a son that is 11 years old and does that to pillows. I asked my Dr. about it. He told me that he just stumbled across something that felt good and to not worry about it, just make sure he confines it to the bedroom and not out in public areas. So just talk to your Dr. about it and see if he/she has any concerns about it.

she has no idea what you think she is doing. Telling her she is disgusting and what she is doing is wrong....is what is wrong....remember she won't understand sex for another 6-9 years.....she is doing something that gave her comfort when she was put in DAYCARE. It sounds like she has always been at home with mom in a safe invironment. Then she was thrown into daycare. She did what was necessary to survive. Leave her alone. When she feels safe again, she'll stop. You just need to reassure her that you are home now and she won't go back to full time daycare. And the cool thing about it is, you can threaten her with daycare when she gets to be 6 and she will behave. allow her to be innocent...everything will be fine,,, give her a BIG hug and love on her while she is young, innocent, vulnerable and your little girl.

Wow, it's weird that all the kids are doing it. What has the teacher said or done about it. I would suggest the class not use blankets at all. In kinder I think they just had mats with no blankets.

try not to make a big thing about it don't even say anything just take measures to stop it with out the child realizing it like reposition the blanket

Take away the blanket and do not say a word. Tell the blanket is on vacation and will return at some point. Do not make a big fuss about the situation.

The more you tell a child not to do something, the more they want that forbidden thing. And telling a 4 year-old that something is nasty and will hurt them could be very confusing to her. In her mind she's just wiggling on a blanket feeling good. What you need to do is ask lots of questions and be ready to hear her and not judge or make her feel bad about her answers. "Why do you do that with your blanket?" or "how does that make you feel?" may bring you to innocent anwers or let you know she's discovered how to masturbate. (sorry, we don't want to talk about it, I know, but all our kids are going to do it sooner or later!) What you need to be firm about is that their bodies are special, some things are private, and set your personal limits to help them learn how to be in charge of themselves, not to make them feel ashamed or bad about their feelings or past actions.
Lastly, talk to your daycare provider. That person's answer about this issue may help back up the way your family wants to deal with this or may bring to light that you need to find a new daycare!

Hi T.
I never heard of anything such thing??????????????
Instead of trying to stop the behavior I would be questioning your daughter about who and or why she is doing this?
Telling your daughter that this is nasty might not be the right approach.I am curious as to where(other than the obvious the daycare where she learned to do this)Who is responsible for teaching/showing anyone to self soothe and or rock themselves to sleep in such a manner??????????Your letter seems to suggest that other parents/children are struggling with the same ordeal.What if anything have they said?
Best wishes to you and your family
I did not give you any advice
I hope you get the answer you need

T.,

This is not something to discipline, but rather your role is to replace this behavior with something appropriate. This is a form of self-soothing. Some kids suck their thumbs for the same reason. Try replacing the behavior by rubbing her back, stroking her hair, or softly singing to her during nap times and bedtime and so she can be soothed and calmed while going to sleep. If she feels comforted by your appropriate touch she won't feel the "need" to comfort herself through this innocent behavior. She is a child and is not thinking about sex while she does it. Now that she's home you have an opportunity to offer her lots of appropriate affection and love. Good luck!

First of all relax..Masturbation and exploration like other touchpoints of deveolpment, are entirely normal at this age.If a child begins to masturbate in public, assure him or her that's it's absolutely okay to investigate and play with themselves.But it's a private sort of thing and you'd like her to save it for a private place.All little girls try to find out where their peepee is and why they have a vagina. all little boys explore themselves too.There is an awsome websight DRGREENE.com if you have any other developmental questions.Try not to scold her and make her feel ashamed of her body. A healthy sexual attitude in adulthood starts with
a loving attitude toward all body parts in childhood and beyond.
A. W