3-Year-old Son "Scared" of Everything

They get "fears" at this age. Some kids start from 2 years old. And when kids are older as well, they get "fears" as well... both my kids go through that with their respective ages.

Just kinda validate him on it... sometimes when we try to talk them out of it, it can just make it worse... but if they feel like someone really understands them... it can bring them solace.

The fears can come and go, be transient, or throughout toddlerhood... ie: fear about the dark or night-time noises etc.

And yes, sometimes if we get desensitized to it, then when something "really" bothers them, we won't know it.... and they know when we don't believe them.

I don't believe it is gratuitous... he is just still learning as well... about what different words mean...ie: vocabulary. AND.. their emotions are not fully developed yet either... a 3 year ls no expert on "emotions" or coping. So, they need us to help them discern it all to them and to clarify or explain or help them feel reassured.

For instance: if he said he's scared... ask him 'what does the word scared mean"? For my son, I ask him what a word means that he says... so that "I" can be sure what HE means. Sometimes, (afterall they are only 3 years old) they may not mean that exact word. But something else.
For example: when I correct my son on something (not scolding but just explaining something) he will tell me emphatically "Don't BLAME me Mommy.... me good boy...." So I just asked him "Honey, what does 'blame" mean????" and he said "me bad boy.... " And so "I" had to correct "my" reaction to him TOO... because for him 'correcting him' on something, TO HIM, was in his mind being "blamed." So I explain to him that I LOVE him... that Mommy is just explaining something to him... he did not "do" anything wrong.. I am just teaching him something.

So, get clear on what exactly your son 'means.' Don't immediately assume he is just saying empty words or feelings. Explore with him, his words, how he "thinks" it means and what he is really feeling. AND yes, teach him that it is "okay" to have fears. Nothing wrong with that. Kids WILL go through that no matter what... and it will not always make sense to us adults. Kids minds and imaginations are very active...

So the "fear" stage... is 3-pronged: the child having "fears" which IS developmental based... AND the child's understanding of words/vocabulary and its concepts.... often, they are simply not articulate about word "definitions" like adults are. So teach him. AND then their "emotions" and their feelings and how they interpret and understand things...

Oh and another thing: try not to convey that "boys" have to be "strong" and only "babies" get scared of things. This will make them think that they can't express themselves or cry or even get scared of anything. At least... your boy will admit/tell you how he feels. BRAVO! Nurture that.... fears and all.

All the best,
Susan

Kids are much smarter than we normally give them credit for. I've always insisted that mine do what I have asked and even punished them for comments like "I don't want to"...if it becomes a habit and we have talked about it. When mine try to make an excuse to get out of doing something I get up and calmly get down to their level and look them right in the eye...I'll explain that I've asked them to do something and mommy expects them to listen. If I got "I'm too small"...then I would tell them then I'll stand here and tell you how. If I got "I'm busy", "You do it", or "I don't want to" then I would sit them down and explain that I didn't ask what they wanted and they aren't going to back talk mommy. Explain that he's not allowed to say things like that to mommy and when he's asked to do something, he has to do it.

If he tries to continue after you have discussed it a few times, then he's testing you. My oldest normally went with the program after I explained things. My second child normally had to test me a few times to see if I was serious. The youngest seems to be going with the program most of the time, but has tested me on one or two occasions and it didn't turn out well for him.

A time-out at that age is more than appropriate if he continued to say things like that. And not a three minute wimpy time-out. Mine would laugh at such a weak response from mommy. You tell him he's going to sit because he didn't do what you asked. Then you look him in the eye and repeat what you asked him to do and then repeat what he said ("I don't want to"). Then tell him he's not allowed to say that and he's going to sit in time-out and think about it. He sits until he cries. Then you go over and talk to him about it again. Make sure he looks you in the eye. You don't yell...you stay calm. You ask him if he's going to do what you asked him to do.

That should clear it up after a few times. It may take a week or so, but be consistent and he'll get it. Seriously, if you can teach a puppy to wet on a paper, sit on command, and stay off the couch....your three year old can learn that he's not allowed to make excuses, tell you no, or try to pull the wool over mommy's eyes. Kids are smart.

Now if you really think he's scared of something...then gently guide him through his fear and after a few times he'll get over it. I sat for a little girl that was afraid of anything that flew or even a leaf blowing in the wind. I gently held her and made her touch the leaf and explained it wouldn't hurt her...I kept doing it and after a week or two she stopped screaming. I have her holding worms, catching grasshoppers, and all kinds of silly things now. But don't let him run and hide. Don't let him cry and scream about something. Hold him tight, gently guide him through it, and insist that he face his fears.

And there is nothing wrong with a boy crying when there is something to cry about...but you really have to put your foot down when your kids go on and on about things. I have two girls and a boy and they aren't allowed to carry on about stuff. If you're hurt, get it out, shake it off and move on. If you aren't hurt, then please don't put on a show. Nothing worse than a cry baby and honestly it's ten times worse when it's a boy.

You may even try reading him The Boy that Cried Wolf for a few weeks everyday and talk about it each time. After awhile he'll get it. Mine did.

Do you remember "The boy who cried 'Wolf!'"?
I wonder if your son is old enough to understand the story.
Perhaps check at your local public library.
As for all the other witticisms . . . "I'm busy" "You do it" . . . . .
These are also a problem, perhaps not as dire given the "scared" situation.
You need to have a "meeting" discussion with him,
and explain what is expected when you tell him it's time to pick up toys, etc.
Good luck!!
S.

you received some fantastic advice! Let us know what worked!!!

You could try turning it around on him. If you ask him to pick up his toys and he says he's scared, you could try "oh, you're scared of your toys? Maybe I should throw them away, then. No more toys, they're too scary!", some reverse psychology might give him a change of heart.

Hi Jae,

You need to find a quiet moment to sit down with your son. Talk to him about this. Let him know that you understand that sometimes he doesn't want to follow directions from Mom or Dad. Talk to him about the words "I am scared" and how Mommy feels when she hears those words. Those are very important words for him to use to tell Mommy when something is very upsetting. But that, when he doesn't want to follow directions, there are other words to use.

It's also important that you understand why kids at this age are so defiant. Here's an article I wrote that should help with that. You might be able to pre-empt some of his defiance by reevaluating what directives you give him.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Smart kid! I would have him explain what he's scared of and listen with rapt attention. Then, I'd get out an old pillow case, tie it around his neck and tell him he's been given super-powers and he should run in and get the job done because facing one's fear is the greatest strength of all.

That was my creative "cool mom" idea. Like it? <wink>

No, really, give your son a choice. Pick up the toys or lose them since, goodness knows, you wouldn't want scary things around the house and then set the timer for 15 minutes. Tell him his actions will give you the answer. Then, follow through. As for the shirt, I'd settle for a calm, "Duly noted. Do it anyway."

Both you and your son know there's a world of difference between being scared of putting on a shirt or picking up toys and being scared of new situations. If the fear is a legitimate one, you'll handle it wisely. If it's an excuse, treat it as such.

Good luck!

Ha ha ha! My son does the EXACT same thing but I didn't realize that it was a common 3 year old trait! They are not fully in charge of their vocabulary at this age, obviously, so I often try to help him break it down, so we both understand what he's really trying to say. Mine also likes to throw in, "This is NOT serious!"
I don't have any great advice for you but thought I'd share with you that my very rough and tumble, energetic 3 1/2 year old boy has recently become scared of everything too. Coyotes, wolves, the bad man, etc. And sometimes tries to use that word to help him squirm out of doing something that he doesn't want to do. ...the joys of parenting! What's next?