25 Yrs Old & Need Family Advice Plz

Looks like you're in a tough spot, but you are a strong woman!

The world is a tough place to get along in all by yourself, you've seen that already. The way I see it is you are going to have to struggle some how to get to your goal--graduation and a better life for yourself and your baby. You have it all set up now where you CAN get to your goal and have a roof over your head and a place for you and your baby to live. But there is a price to pay.

You have to ask yourself--is this price worth it? Is swallowing your pride, taking the insults and the "talk of the town" with your family worth it? Only you can answer that. It's a hefty price to pay, but the reward is big too. Think of it as the price you are paying instead of money.

If you can change your point of view you can make it through. Decide you are NOT going to believe a word that your family is saying. Decide that they can insult you all they want, nothing is going to stick. Nothing they say IS true unless you choose to believe it.

No one can have power over you unless you let them. No one can insult you unless you let them. People will judge, but it's YOUR opinion of yourself that matters in the end.

Your dad thinks you're "mental." Can you laugh at that? Can you find humor in the situation? Doesn't mean you laugh out loud, but it might mean that while he's insulting you, you're laughing inside.

ACTIONS speak louder than words. When you make it through school, when you get a good job, when you're making it on your own, when your beautiful daughter is growing to be a wonderful little girl, when you do meet the man of your dreams--nothing your father or mother has said in the past is going to mean squat. No one is going to believe it anyway. You don't have to say anything.

Just do what you need to do and PROSPER. Keep your eye on the goal. THAT will be your proof in the end, and you will have the last laugh.

Good luck! And keep pushing--you're almost there!

My suggestion: Look into applying/receiving larger student loans, if you haven't already. If you are not already receiving child support, report your daughter's father to DCS (department of child support). Start looking at apartments in your area http://cincinnati.craigslist.org/ and begin quietly making plans to leave your folks home. This might take several months, especially for Financial Aid to process your request and for any child support to come your way.

Meanwhile, try to network with other women and mothers who actually get you, respect and love you. Keep your eyes out for new potential allies - female friends are absolutely essential in my mind - no matter the situation. That becomes much more pressing though, when you don't have another emotional support system (i.e. extended family, nuclear family, religious group, etc.). I am not exaggeration when I say that I would not be able to survive without my female friends. They are like family to me. Being able to call a girlfriend, or receive a call from a girlfriend who you can trust, empathize with and rely on, is magic. You give, you take and it feels damn good. Find your community, if you haven't already. It could be your safety net. Asking for help and receiving help does not make you weak. It makes you a survivor. You will find a way to give it back.

You might find someone who you could split a house with. Living with roommates, as a parent, can be tricky...I won't lie. But, if you find the right roommate you will potentially cut expenses, be able to swap childcare and have a partner in crime. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and a friend to share the table with. It can be amazing. Sometimes, I think it is easier to have a roommate who is a single female without children. A really good friend or such. They must be able to understand that they will be living with a one year old, and what that actually entails.

Moving on. Work on building yourself up. In all of your questions, your voice is strong, sassy and brilliant. In this question you said "I'm very independent minded, and I am fully capable of becoming a huge success story." Good. I'm glad you know that. Read that line over and over and over. Get a notebook and start filling the pages with affirmations. Yes, it's cheesy and it's not an over night fix - but, after a while you will start to believe it. Write things you don't necessarily believe now, but want to or want to become. For example, "I am a good Mother. I am a strong role model for my daughter. I am strong. I am healthy. I am good. I am kind and loving. I am love. I will get through this. We will get through this. I am intelligent. I am independent. I am resilient. I will heal. I believe in myself. I have a lot to offer this world, my daughter and myself. etc."

As far as your family goes? I say, let them feel like they have power. But that doesn't mean they get to take yours. Play their game and meanwhile plan, save and strategize. Anything can be more tolerable once you know it's not forever. Nothing is forever. You are not going to live with your parents forever. So, let them do their thing because, for them, it probably serves a purpose. Most likely, it doesn't have to do with you, it's on them. The reason it affects you is because you love them and care what they think. So, love them, but stop internalizing their externalized oppression. We can love our families without letting them control our hearts. Easier said than done, I know, but I find it helpful to remember that I get to choose how I react. No one can make me feel anything, (while they can physically make me do something) but I am still free inside. I have only lost control when I give it to someone else.

If you absolutely cannot make ends meet if you move out, I mean really, absolutely can't, then bite the bullet and keep on the mantra of "this is not forever. I know who I am, and she is strong."

I don't know you, but your written voice conveys strength, humor, intelligence and perspective. Be kind to yourself and keep on truckin'. You will get through, you will be alright and you are amazing.

Wow..I dont actually have any answers for you since I have never been in that type of situation, but I wish I could give you a hug right now! **HUGS**

I think that you sound like a strong woman and I commend you for continuing your education even though your circumstances are less than favorable. I say, keep being who you are...if they cant except you for you, then they dont deserve you! You sound like an amazing mother and your daughter is lucky to have someone so wonderful in her life! Good luck to you in everything you do!! Stay strong...one day you'll get all the great things you deserve! :)

Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this! My advice is to spend the holidays with friends. Your family sounds awful and they don't deserve you or your time. I wouldn't associate with them anymore. What they are doing to you is abusive. You don't have to take it. No matter if they are family or not.

M

I think you sound like an amazing young woman. I wish you lived close by so I could tell you this to your face.

I am sorry your family is so judgmental and cruel to you. Stay strong for your beautiful child.

If they are not insisting that you be there for the holidays, see if there are good friends that you can join. Use it as a day off.. You deserve it..

The only other thing I can suggest is that when people say such terrible things to you, you can tell them, "I love you and I am sorry you are so unhappy." or "My daughter is my world and I hope no one ever speaks to her the way you speak to me." You can say this out loud or you can say it in your heart.

I am sending you strength.

I can't say that I could even come close to understanding what your going through. My family, once I started working when I was 14 and started making money, kinda alowed me to do what I wanted. Of course I had rules that I had to follow, and I had to ask permission to go places and so on. As far a financially, it was all on me. And when I was 19/20 I was comming and going as I pleased, Of course I was real responsible, and I alway told them where I would be. However, when I got married, that kinda changed. My husband was, I guess you could say babied. His parents were always suggesting for him to do things. Basically, I think you need to go work here, so he would. They were always there to bail him out financially, so he never had to be careful with his money. So even though he is 4 years older than me, they are always in our financial business, which totally bugs me, But I just deal with it.
The best thing I can tell you to do is try to be as respectful as you can while your there. Although you are planning on being a big success, and from what it sounds you will be. You know you'll be out of there soon, and be perfectly able to take care of yourself and your baby.
If there is anyway of you moving out on your own, even if you do have to be on assistance for the time being, that might be a good option.
For the holiday's, if your family is that closed minded, I wouldn't pay them any attention at all!! If you must be there, play with your wonderful baby. I wouldn't even talk to anyone who doesn't talk to me. And you would only notice any rude looks if you are looking at them.
My husband has a huge family as well, and he has on particular aunt who LOVES to make those comments that could make you break down and cry. Which she has done to one of his cousins, who was ready to walk out. She tried it on me a couple of times and I would either laugh at her or make a snide comment right back.
I know it seems like it will be horrible, but it will only be for a little while, but you will soon be out and not have to look back.
Good luck to you.

I would spend holidays with a friend. you dont need that drama on top of everything else. you are doing the right thing. but quit getting yourself into situations that are causing more problems. keep your mouth shut until out of school. bite your toungue you are almost there and when you get out of school put your foot down and set the law. tell yourself you are putting up with it so your kid will have a better life. smile and walk away. get sick on the holidays. its called sick and tired stay in your room. most of all dont cry if you do they will know they are getting to you. keep telling yourself this is for the benefit of your kid. good luck and either hide or be "sick" and tired and stay in your room. :)

You clearly have to decide what your needs are, money & family or independence.

I think we have all put up with a little something to get by and know how to just let it roll off your back. I would go to dinner and put your poker face on. Soon you will have your independence.

I put up with my mother in law's comments every time I see her and she doesn't support me, so I always try to tell my self it is a short visit. However, I understand the pressure is different. I guess do as I do, act like you didn't hear it and carry on.

Best wishes to you.

I have no advice here...your situation is very complicated. Is there counseling available for you through school? A counselor might be able to give you some guidance on how to deal with them.

It sounds like both you and your parents need to step back and look at the whole picture. There is more here than just the fact that you are now a young woman with a small child...I see damage on both sides that need mending, professionally. Control is one thing when a child is young but once that child becomes a woman and makes her own choices, support and comfort should be the key. Pride does take a back seat because even in todays society, pregnancy to an un-wed woman is unexceptable - personally, abortion shouldn't have been brought up...adoption perhaps, but not abortion. Like you said, you see yourself as a successful woman one day - I'd keep that goal first and foremost in your mind...work until you succeed and accomplish whatever it is you are aiming for. Don't let the stigma of being on "public assistance" stand in your way. A lot of woman who are career oriented and who are in the same situation as you have proven that hard work overcomes a lot of emtionally stress. My question is this...you didn't mention your faith - does your faith come into play? Were you brought up in a church or at least attend church? Perhaps prayer and a woman's group could council you and guide you since your parents don't seem to have that knowledge. You've made some choices that obviously affect how you handle the rest of your life - don't let your child be caught up in the same cycle - love that child with all your heart - do everything you can to teach that child right from wrong, good from bad, the golden rule and how to pray...best wishes and Happy Thanksgiving

wow! That's a really really tough situation. In some ways it seems as they, and in turn you, are bound by their culture to act or think a certain way. It's obvious that you love your parents and want to please them. We all want to make our parents happy. I'm 32 and still struggle with the need to make my parents happy. I would suggest a heart to heart with stepmom and dad, but given the cultural differences, I don't know that it would do any good. It's great that you're doing everything on your own, even if you need a little assistance right now. There's no shame in trying to better yourself through education. It's not as if you are sitting at home watching TV and eating junk food all day. You're going to school. So, I guess I would say you need to find your limits. What are you willing to put up with? Are you willing to deal with the way your family treats you and your child? If not, then simply stay away from them. It's so much easier said than done, I know. I don't really know....

I fail to understand why in the world you would even contemplate exposing yourself, not to mention your innocent child to this sea of negativity that is your family! I would stay so far away from that morass if only for my own mental health........my single mother became pregnant with me at 38 (her mother told her she hoped she never had another happy day in her life)....this was in 1943. Wisely, my mother had been away from her large family for years already, and pretty much stayed away until I was 10, when I first met my grandparents. My mother lived to be 102, and outlived all of her 7 younger siblings, but I bet that never would have happened if she had remained in the vicinity of her family......you know, negativity is not good for our physical being either. I congratulate you on your determination and wish you well.

Wow. I haven't read all posts, so please forgive any duplication. Some random thoughts here--ADHD is not a mental illness--and it's seriously hard to believe that you have it, you are accomplishing so much!

The bit about being 24 and still claimable on your parents' tax return so you couldn't get federal loans/grants etc.---HUH???? Now, I am much older than you but it certainly wasn't that way when I went to college, and it doesn't seem that way now for friends of my son (a college soph) who get aid out the wazoo. (we make too much money, so we are grateful DS is a good student and gets some merit-based aid........)

A baby/toddler tends to melt people's hearts, so you might get a nicer reception than you think. However, you know your family best.

On one hand you don't want to deprive your daughter of the chance to know her extended family ( and their chance to know her). But if it is going to be a problem, I would say spend as little time there as possible. If you go for a little while, they can't throw it back in your face that you ignored your family. You can always say the baby needs a nap or something, and it is too noisy, etc.

Is it a good sign that if they dislike you as much as you say they do, but they still want/expect you to come over for the holidays?

I am confused--you say you are totally dependent on your family again, yet you also mention public assistance, day care vouchers, food stamps, scholarships, grants and loans? Sounds like you are doing reasonably OK wihtout your folks. If you are supporting yourself, you should be able to face them on your own terms, with your head held high.

These people sound like they have more than a few screws loose, and just plain mean. Be the good person that comes through in your posts--and maybe they will learn something from you.

Hope that helps a little. Hugs to you and your DD, and best wishes for happy holidays, whatever you decide!

K. Z.

As hard as it might be, you might have to separate yourself from your family. If you need a support group, look into a local Mom's Group. You might even want to get involved with a local church. Some churches can be very helpful to those who need a hand.

Unfortunately you're dealing with a very old, very strong culture. It might be easier for you just to focus on you and if they want to burn the bridge then, so be it.

Can you get in contact with your birth mother? Perhaps her family will welcome you and your little one in? It's worth a try.

Good luck.

If you have a best friend or group of friends then spend the Holidays with them. I would think that would send the message to your family that they cannot control you anymore. As long as they think they have even a little bit they have all the power. Yes, they are your parents but they have made it clear you are not worth dog doodoo. Don't put yourself, or your child, through that. You have nothing to prove to them.

That really sucks. Really, you are doing an awesome job. Stay strong for your daughter. Finish your education and be that successful woman and keep pushing forward knowing you will have your own place very soon. I know you can do it. You don't need negative people in your life. Everyone makes mistakes. I say get a friends support group together. I meet up with my friends once a month for girls dinner. One of us cooks at our house and then we play games. When our kids were younger, we allow the kids to come and we met weekly. Just do game night every so often if your family allows that. don't let your family get you down.

You are not mentally ill and for anyone (especially your own family) to keep using that as an excuse for THEIR behavior is unacceptable. The holidays are supposed to be a happy time to enjoy each other company. If it is a mental beat down every time you see these people, it is time to get away. I know you said you depend on them for your support and unfortunately when you accept someone's money, you also have to accept their input. However, your daughter is looking to you for everything from food to how to develop and become a woman. You need to decide for yourself what examples you want in her life on a regular basis for her to follow. If it is not the type of situation, your family provides, you need to get out of their home. Maybe cut back on schooling and find a job. Maybe you would qualify for housing assistance. I know this is easier said than done and no one knows how they would react in a situation until they were in it themselves. Your posting sounds so intelligent and heartbreaking. Every individual deserves respect even if they don't share the same views on life. Your baby does not deserve to be subjected to all of these mean people as you called them. Your child did nothing wrong. Maybe spent the holidays with some friends from school. I know you said that not following your parents wishes would just make it worse, but maybe it is time to severe ties.

Hopefully some day your parents will realize that you are only doing what you feel is in yours and your child's best interest. If a parent can't respect that, then they are not a good parent themselves.

Good Luck and Happy Holidays from my family to you and your daughter. :)