I'd like to start off by saying this is THE MOST difficult thing i have ever been through in my entire life. By that i mean, the uphill battle of trying to be with my baby's mom and be with my son.
I will start with some background information...... My baby mom and I were amazing together, all up to the point of her being pregnant. She begged me to stay with her because she knew she was going to be crazy cuz she cut off her anxiety and bi-polar meds cold turkey. I promised her i would be here for all of it. There was a night, about 3 months into the pregnancy where my best friend was home from school and wanted me to go to a concert for his birthday. I hadn't seen him in years so i asked her if she'd be ok with it and she flipped out at me and said i was putting my life in danger and that i should be there with her....Anyways, after consulting other parties (her mom and my mom) they both had told me it was silly and that i should go because i cant be a door mat all the time for her. I told her i was going and she straight up left me that day. I didnt even end up going because i wanted to work with her and show her im not trying to bail out of the situation,i was just looking for time with one of my best friends from childhood. Things got worse from there, she wouldn't let me come over to her parents house when she was pregnant, all i wanted to do was sing to my son in her stomach so he could hear my voice. She was so resentful towards me she didnt even let me in the delivery room, her mom and aunt were there and i wasn't. to make it EVEN more worse she did not put me on the birth certificate, she gave him her last name (even after i gave her the choice of first/middle) and she is still living with her parents.
I know i cannot help how she feels towards me and it breaks my heart that the smallest bumps in the road have ruined how she views me when i am, IMO (and many others) a great person and father. In any other relationship i had ever been in, the things we went through would ahve been worked through like no problem. Not to mention she has friends that have gone thru WAY worse situations with their baby daddies and they are still with them. Her mom tries to get her daughter to let me over more and see my son but she gets so mad with her.
I now get Tuesdays and Thursdays to see my son. I get out of work at 430, which will soon be 5 again (winter hours) and she puts him to bed exactly at 7pm. So by the time i get there i only have a couple hours, if that, with him (if he isn't sleeping). I have tried and begged for more time, i even offered every other sunday but she said maybe and bases it off of how her and i are together rather than me just wanting to be with my son. She said if she gives me sundays it'll only be for a couple of hours...well why not the whole day!? how is that fair!? I have yet to be alone with my son, she is the most over protective mother i have ever met.
My mom has seen him twice in 3 months and my dad hasn't even seen him since he was at the hospital. She wont give me time with my son, i know hes only 3 months old but i want to be there, i want to be a dad, there are so many dads out there who dont care and i do and i feel like she takes me for granted.
Ive literally sacrificed my own happiness in hopes of her and i being a family again, sometimes i feel like she wants that, but may be scared? sometimes from what she says there is no chance and then other times i just dont know how to take what she says....... She says all i do is cause her anxiety because i try to kiss and flirt with her and i do, sometimes cuz i wanna make her feel better when she tells me shes down and cranky or mad all the time....whenever i ask about my son she says hes sick and doenst feel well, yet her mom tells me a diff story and when im there he is great and healthy.
She says she wants me in his life and that im his father, yet i haven't even changed a diaper yet! I try to change him, i try to feed him, burp him and she wont let me.....Im so upset over all this i really dont know what to do, the last thing i want to do is go to court...i just dont get why a mother is not letting a great and caring father be more involved with his sons life...she keeps saying "in time ill give you more time with US" not HIM, US....she says he'll never be alone with me and that she is always going to be around him.
I love her, i really do, i am not in love with this person she is anymore, i miss that old girl i had but ive tried to understand she wont come back...I just dont know how to handle the situation, she makes me feel like i have no rights and that everything she says is right and im wrong. I want her to see that i want time with my kid and base it on HIM not the relationship between her and i. Things have been good btwn us and i have really seen a positive swing in things and us getting closer together in hopes of sometime within a year or 2 being a real family...... However i kind of went off on her last night because ive been really upset that she is going away for a funeral and HER aunt...not his aunt, HER aunt, his great aunt is watching him while she is away and i dont even get to see him when she is gone....why wasn't i the 1st option to take care of OUR son...why wouldnt her aunt even question the fact that she was asked to watch him over me?..... They all know me and know im a good person, im just so confused.
What do i do? What can i do? Do i try to create a new relationship with the mother? Kind of let things go as they were when we were good and HOPE for us to get back together? Hope that in time she will love me again? Do i go to court and have a judge get tests done so im on the BC?
Moms/Dads please help me.......i wish someone could show her that its wonderful for a father to want to be part of their kids life, yet she uses it against me and holds me to certain days. I have in no way made her not be able to trust me with him, ive tried to learn from her to be a parent but she just says she doesnt trust anyone alone with him but her own mother....someone help!
I pay for diapers and clothes, i give her $ for his insurance, i even pay for a little of hers. I do everything i can, when i can. I just feel taken advantage of. Im sad and upset, i feel like im trapped. I want us to be a family, so bad, i always wanted this...she never even wanted to get pregnant in the first place! I feel like she may be confused and not love me because all her love goes to our son, i dont know if she really doesnt love me or just knows she has me wrapped around her finger.
Are there steps i can take that will up my percentage of us possibly getting back together? Are there steps i can take to get more time with my son? Im tired of not feeling like a dad and not getting what i feel is enough time (currently 3-5 hours a week). Im just scared, i love her and care for her a lot but i cant keep going this way with someone who cant get over the smallest bumps in the road...literally its beyond me how this got to this point...I guess i just need some encouraging responses...hopeful ones? I want to be part of his life so bad, there are so many guys out there who could care less and i feel like those moms want the dad and in a situation like mine where i want to be in his life, its the opposite
by the way im 27 and she is 23
I went over to see my son last night and things got really bad. I tried talking to her about some things and she just doesnt care enough to listen. I try to tell her everything i've done has been for our son, that i have given her no reason not to trust me. She is just WAY TOO overprotective, like extremely...i dont get it, i honestly dont. She wont see a professional to be re-evaluated for her mental illness and it worries me so much in regards to my son. I dont know why her primary care doctor insists on controlling her, but she needs to see a real professional because to me, pregnancy is a huge change to her chemicals and maybe it has made things worse? Ive seen over protective mothers before but never in my life have i seen it this controlling or bad. I have consulted a family friends who is a family court lawyer and have plans to talk to him about my options.
I know this may seem selfish, but im terrified at the money i will have to shell out to her for child support. In NYS it says i'll have to shell out 17% of my paycheck a week which is around 500/month. Add to that my medical supplies i need to pay for, due to the fact i am a diabetic. Add to that my 1100/month rent....on top of that the food i need to keep my diabetes under control. I feel like i will have no money left.....i dont need people saying "you should have thought about this before having a kid or unprotected sex" i really dont ok, i get that. I will if i have to, thats what i have to deal with by having a child i understand that, but i do worry about myself with the disease i have to live with. I just want my son to be brought up properly and not so close minded like his mother is, he needs 2 sides of a story and a guys/girl point of view...there are things i need to teach him that she cant and she doesnt see that nor does she care...she says she cares about our son, but her actions towards me dont show me that....
i dont get how someone cant get over such a small bump in the road in the past and move forward. This is so difficult for me and i feel my only option is to really give her a reality check by going to family court. I think a judge would be so upset with her and the way things are going - not to mention she said if a judge ever gave me solo visitation rights she wouldnt list and would move out of state....little does she know that would backfire on her and probably give me full custody....she kept telling me she was going to take away all my rights and i actually encouraged her to do that and take me to court because i believe if she does do that, a judge will see that as being unfit and crazy, due to the fact ive given no reason for her to keep him from me, i have a good job, i live in a nice place, i have no history of violence or run ins with the law...she keeps telling me she'll get a lawyer that her family knows and make sure i have no rights as a father. What kind of lawyer would do that to a good person like me? I guess anyone will do anything for money.
I also think shes so terrified because she knows if she does go to court that she will have to give him up to me. She says DNA testing takes 3 months - bs it takes 2 ive looked into it - she says that i'll get less time with him, maybe so, for now, but i doubt a judge is going to keep me at 3 hours a week, even at this stage. It will definitely give me more time with him as he gets older, i jsut want to avoid court, not because i dont care about her and i getting back together, its not healthy for me..but i want my son to be healthy and have a good life,...not a bubble life, not a life of what mom says is always right, not a life where he has to feel scared to do things on his own and take chances...i wish someone could shake my baby momma and slap some sense into her...maybe a judge will do that?
Hire an attorney and sue for custody with visitation for her. She doesn't sound responsible enough to have a child.
Please put away the hopes of making a permanent family with her.
Hire a lawyer, get paternity established, get custody arranged and since she is mentally ill and not on her regular meds, should she be caring for a child? Personally, I would push for physical custody and have supervised visitation for her. If she won't take her medications? And her doctor isn't giving her the "FULL DOSE" ? Can she be trusted with a child? What happens when your son has a fit she doesn't like?
Your son is now your new priority.
Definetly talk to a lawyer.
Document everything with facts Not emotion. even if it is going your way.. document document document.
You may consider taking a parenting class, to show the court that you are serious. I have a co-worker who refused to allow her babies go with thier dads until they had classes.
Good luck.
She's mentally ill and off her meds. You cannot fix this by throwing love at it, nor can you expect rational behavior from her, nor can you expect her to honor any verbal agreement the two of you might make.
Get a lawyer and sue for joint custody.
Since your name is not on the birth certificate, you may need to undergo DNA testing to establish paternity.
Go to court, get your custody straightened out, get the support set in stone, make sure the court orders her back on her meds and go from there.
You have two issues. One, your baby's mother is not mentally healthy. Second, you need to establish paternity/legal right to the baby.
First issue, mother is not mental healthy. You stated that she is bi-polar and has anxiety issues. That she quit her meds cold turkey. Not good! She needed to be under the care of her doctor during her pregnancy and be monitored. It sounds like that did not happen. Personally, I would be concerned with the safety of my child with a person who is behaving as irrationally as this young lady.
Second, she did not put you on the birth certificate. You do not have any "legal" claim on the baby and she knows it. If you were to take the baby, she could call the police and have you arrested for kidnapping. You MUST get paternity established through the courts. Once you establish that you are the father, is there any possibility that you aren't, then you must go to court for child support and visitation. At that point, you could petition the court for primary custody on the grounds that your child's mother has an untreated mental illness and that you fear for the safety of the child. The court will investigate.
Now, a reality check for you. You have a child with a person who will be in your life forever and who has a mental illness. However, you must realize that your situation will never be what you had hoped it would be. In addition, she is playing you. She has you exactly where she wants you. Grow up and get on with your life. You don't love her, you love the "idea" of her. You can be a part of your son's life without her. It will be difficult but it can be done. Once you get the courts involved if she refuses to give your son to you for your visitation, you can call the police on her. While not ideal, this will let her know that you are going to be a part of your son's life.
Good luck, I think you are in for a battle with this lady. Next time, date the person, marry the person THEN have kids.
A lot of relationships change drastically when a woman gets pregnant and has a child, and when the man shifts from being a boyfriend to a pregnancy partner to a father. In your case, there is the added factor of her medications and the fact that you are not living under the same roof so you aren't there for the day-to-day.
It sounds like you both have some adjusting to do. She didn't put you on the birth certificate (wrong) and didn't please you by giving the child your last name (her right to do so especially if she didn't know if you would stick around, but a name doesn't make a father so let that go). You are confusing her with your efforts to flirt and kiss her, and she may think you are using the baby to get back to her. You say she bases her decision about more time on how you and she are together, but what does that mean? Friendly? Romantic? Is she consistent in this or do her moods swing?
She doesn't want to relinquish control but she may also feel that you don't know how to do some things like change a diaper, use a car seat or feed the baby. A lot of new moms are like this, regardless of the rest of their situation. Maybe she is promising more time down the road to see if you are trustworthy and in the picture for the long haul, or maybe she is just vindictive and keeping you hanging on - hard for us to know.
So, if the baby is breastfed, no, you can't take him for too long. You can't just shove a bottle of formula into a nursing baby, after all. If you have an ally in this woman's mother, maybe you can change the baby under Grandma's supervision if not your former girlfriend's watchful eyes. Ask questions about what they did today, what milestones the baby has reached, what songs he likes to hear, etc. Maybe you can all take a walk together with the baby in a stroller, then progress to a walk while your baby's mother takes a nap. Ultimately you can move up to longer periods, but try to emphasize that SHE is doing so much work, must be tired, the baby doesn't sleep all night and child care is so constant, and then let this be your gift to HER, rather than "I want to see my son and I'm a great dad." Try to recognize that you both are overflowing with emotion on so many levels because this is not just about new parenthood, it's about your relationship (past, present and possibly future), as well as her medical/emotional state which is in some upheaval. Maybe, if the baby needs some things (clothes, age-appropriate toys, diapers, bottles), you can offer to drive the baby and his mother together to "help her" - then you will have the experience of starting to co-parent. It's not a date - that's important! It's 2 parents who aren't together working cooperatively for the welfare of the child. That way, you get time with the baby, but she's not relinquishing the infant to your care, and you're accomplishing an errand that benefits her and the baby, and you are demonstrating your emotional, parental and financial support. Set a budget for the day if you have to, but the more you can do things as a cooperative co-parent, the better it is for everyone including your track record if you need to get legal intervention.
If she is and will remain volatile or unstable, you may need to resort to legal maneuvering. Start getting your ducks in a row - take a parenting class, not just about infant care but about childrearing. Take an infant CPR class and get a certificate showing you completed it. By a few books about the first years of life, read them, and discuss them in very short snippets with her and her parents when you are visiting. Get a car seat for your car that will last from infancy up through toddlerhood. Make sure you know how to install it - most police or fire departments will check this for you (and that way you can say you consulted safety experts). Buy or borrow a doll so you can maneuver it into the car seat and show that you know how.
Consult an attorney (family law) or mediator to learn about the laws in your state, to learn what your rights are as well as your obligations. Set up a visitation agreement along with a child support schedule, and make all your payments by check so there is a paper trail. Make payments on a regular basis, not just when she says she needs diapers. Find out about going to well-baby check-ups at the pediatrician and make sure you get on the forms as the baby's daddy after you talk to the attorney about how to do this. On the plus side, you have a regular visitation schedule so this is showing that you ARE the baby's father, whether you are on the birth certificate or not. Try to stick to that regular schedule. If you need to change anything because of your work schedule, notify her by email so that you have a record of contact. Be sure that your tone is conciliatory, say "as we discussed on Tuesday during my regular visitation, my work schedule will change in October and I won't get out until 5. I know that it's important to keep the baby on a consistent sleep schedule and that his bedtime is 7 PM. I really hope that my later arrival on Tuesdays and Thursdays will not be inconvenient for you and I recognize this puts a little burden on you. I hope I can repay you and also make up the time with little Jimmy by setting up an additional visitation on Saturdays or Sundays, whichever is better for you, and at whatever time you think would be best for him. That way I could still see little Jimmy and also give you another break so that you can attend to whatever you need to." Keep the messages short, respectful, cooperative and based on co-parenting without any mention of a relationship between the two of you unless you are sure you and she both want that. The point is for you to get more time with your son and not to complain to her about why you shouldn't have the whole day. A baby needs to nap probably twice a day, and so you will need to be able to provide that - that means a crib and a baby set-up where you live, plus a working knowledge and supply of formula (and you don't say whether the baby is formula fed or breastfed). Start small and work up to it. More and frequent visits with an infant are better anyway, and it builds a pattern of consistency and dependability on your part.
You may well need legal help to guarantee your rights, but you will do better overall if you (and hopefully she) realize that a visitation and support agreement is going to provide consistency and security for all 3 parties - father, mother, child. You should find out about putting the baby on your medical insurance (what it would cost, if the coverage is better than what she has now), and you should get good advice about what it really costs to raise a child - this is going to include medical care, dental care (including braces if needed), education (preschool, public school activity fees, summer recreation or camp, college), and much much more. So from your own perspective, it's wise to look at all the implications, understand that this is about much more than a few hours or whether you get all day Sunday. Do not discuss this with her until you consult with experts. Do NOT say you are going to get an attorney before you talk to one, do NOT talk about preschool fees until you get advice about the next few months, and so on.
You say you love her but you are scared, you want to flirt but maybe you should not be with someone so erratic, you want the baby in your life and maybe you want her, etc. - so there's so much emotional upheaval that you have to try to calm the situation down and deal with priorities first. So part of demonstrating your maturity and steadiness is to show that you can identify priorities and put the baby's interests before your own.
Good luck!
Follow everyone's advice about going to court and getting established paternity and visitation. You should push for joint custody and establish a visitation schedule where you will have your child overnight several times a week.
You've tried to work with her but I think her mental health issues make it hard. Leave it to the courts to decide.
You have a son to support till he's 18.
A court order might give you 50/50 custody.
Once she was done being pregnant there's no reason she couldn't go back on her meds.
With the genetic component there's a chance your son might be fairly unstable but you probably won't know till he hits puberty.
You are not going to have a normal family life with this woman.
You might want to date and marry someone more stable (sane) and start a family with a woman who's willing to be a step Mom to your son.
Get a court to enforce your rights for custody for your son (if she's unstable enough you might get full custody) but cut bait with this woman and fish elsewhere.
Couple things...
Hire an attorney and get court ordered visitation.
Whether of not she likes it makes no difference.
Also get court ordered child support payments set up--you'll be sure the record is up to date with child support. And she'll get the money regularly. No emotions/gray areas. You want to give her more? Fine. Hand her extra.
Until you do this LEGALLY, you will be at the whims of this woman.
Right now it's not about your "relationship," it's about the child.
Focus on that.
The mother of your baby has a mental illness. So, considering that you care for her yet are not "in love with" her? Know that you will be dealing with her mental illness for at least 18 more years, whether you're "together" or not.
Court.
Big boy pants.
I agree. You need to talk to lawyer, get a paternity test, and seek legal help in seeing your son. Ask about things like first right of refusal (you see the child before he's left with someone else). Bear in mind that visitation with infants is usually very different than visitation with older children and the judge may build up to it. I would not look at it as being a family all together if your relationship with her is broken. Your focus should not be her, but your son. It may not be that she is confused. It may be that she doesn't love you and you need to accept that. Many things could be at play here, including post-partum depression and a resurgence of the problems she had been taking medication for when she got pregnant. Your focus should be your child. My nephew and his child's mother are not together anymore and it's honestly better for the kid to have a regular schedule where her parents are not fighting. Kids need stability, even if that comes in the form of every other weekend in your care.
ETA: If she will not take him out of the house, then you take him out of the house, as his father. If she's too anxious about it, insist she see a doctor. And/or make an appointment with his pediatrician, and with her there, discuss the concern that she never wants the baby out of the house. You have to man up and make choices, even if they are not comfortable ones, that are in the best interest of your child.
Get a lawyer and get legal visitation rights.
Forget getting back to together, focus on your son. Hire a lawyer and go for 50/50 physical custody so she can not keep him from you any longer.
ADD: Kids need stability. One of the most damaging things that kids can deal with is when their parent is unstable. I believe research has found this to be true. If you don't know how your parent is going to react to anything you do with any consistency, you have no foundation. She needs to take care of herself, and her doctor needs to explain that her staying on her meds is a necessity for the sake of her child as well as for her.
ORIGINAL: Keep records of everything and talk to an attorney. You are the dad, you want to be involved, you have rights. She needs help, but you can't control that. Your baby needs stability, and it seems like she can't provide that. I don't know if the mom's parents can do anything to get her help, but they may need to look into this for the sake of their grandbaby.
Find out what you can do legally. I wish you the best. You may have to sue for custody, so you need to think long and hard about how to make that work. Talk to your parents about this as well, because if you work full time, they may be part of the solution.
Don't be daft. Stop groveling. Step up and establish a legal arrangement.
Start here.
http://www.nycourts.gov/courts/7jd/courts/family/case_typ...
:)
Dude..welcome to mamapedia!!
I'm going to be blunt. This is NOT what you want. You already stated it yourself - your words you stated "I FEEL TRAPPED"....dude...this is what happens when you have unprotected sex.
Why is beyond you on HOW this happened??? You have a baby mama that is bi-polar.
Get a lawyer. Get custody and child support figured out. Get a plan in place and stop looking for a future that isn't going to happen. You can be a father to your son - you just aren't going to have the nuclear family you hoped to have.
I hope this teaches you in the future to NOT have unprotected sex and wait until you know someone better BEFORE you venture into unprotected sex.
Like I said - get a lawyer. Get custody and child support ironed out and legal - so she can't go psycho on you about that - and continue to be a presence in your sons life.
Good luck!
She's 23 and still living at home?
A couple of things...
1. You two are done as a couple.
2. Do not give up!
3. Keep a journal of every day/time you see your son, the days/time you contact mom, and the $ you spend for son (keep receipts, if possible). You might need this in court one day.
4. Mom sounds quite unstable...you called it over protective...I'd definitely call it unstable. Do you think your son is safe?
5. You need to get a lawyer. I know you want to play nice, but you have to do what is in the best interest of your son!
She is mentally ill. She has a chemical imbalance in her body.
Is she back on her meds? Is she breastfeeding? So staying off the meds?
It could take months for her system to get back stable even if she's taking them consistently.
What you need to do is go sit down with her mother. IF IF IF her mother is a reasonable woman that understands her daughter's mental illness. Tell her you are very confused about the changes in her and how happy you guys were before the meds left her body and pregnancy hormones did stuff too.
Find out what her mom says about the whole thing. IF she is a normal person who loves her daughter but sees her for who she is she might be able to give you insight into her daughters mental state.
I would see an attorney and get complete total court ordered visitation.
Here are some things that will sway the judge.
IF she is breastfeeding the judge will limit your time for visitation. I don't know how I feel about a judge deciding if her staying off her meds is good or bad or even if the judge would even try to make her stop so she'd go back on her meds.
Ask for visitation that is away from her, where someone brings the baby to you then picks the baby back up from you then delivers the baby back to her. This way you don't have to see her and her rantings take up your time to visit.
Offer to pay child support THROUGH THE SYSTEM! Do NOT give her cash for insurance....she is mentally ill and especially if she's off her meds there is no telling what she'll do with that cash. You can go to the company and pay it for her but if she is low income she can get state assistance if she needs cheap insurance. If you go through the system the money you give her will be counted as child support. If you just hand it to her when she goes to court for official child support this money you are giving her now will not count and you'll owe back child support for this whole time.
Go talk to an attorney, please. Protect yourself and keep this all above board. Attorney's can be expensive so find one that will talk to you a few minutes and not charge you hundreds of dollars.
All in all, and I hate to say this but, this is the core person she is. The medications will help her be a better more complete person but at her core this is who she is. If you can find a way to be with her and live through these episodes then work through it.
I'd also suggest either some counseling with someone who knows what bi-polar is like and is able to give you good education and insight as to living with a person who is living in it.
UPDATE - MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE SOMETIMES CAUSE HARM TO OTHERS. AN INFANT IS UNABLE TO DEFEND HIMSELF. CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF IF YOUR BABY IS HARMED??? GO TO COURT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!!!!
If you really love your son than you need to go to court. I do not say this to make her angry but since you are not on the birth certificate - you have no legal rights to him. You can't take him to a doctor or make any decisions for him. She could place him up for adoption and you would have no say at this point. Legally, he is fatherless. You must establish paternity.
You will be granted some amount of visitation and likely joint legal custody. You may have to pay court ordered support. You could potentially get full custody if you can prove that she is mentally ill and not being treated.
My cousin married his crazy girlfriend and had a baby with her. She left him and baby - and he got full custody with her only having supervised visits. His baby was a daughter by the way. He raised her alone and she is now at a military academy. You can do it if you so chose.
Good luck!
Your situation is something I can relate to. My grandson's mom is similar. She was committed to hospital a couple of times because she could not "cope" with things.
My grandson lives with my son in a beautiful home and has a life. When he visits mom, he does not have anything to do except go roller skating and that is by himself. When he was younger the mom would push baby off on her sisters or her dad to watch.
Do whatever you need to do to see and love your son. Document everything you can. If she calls and you can record the calls do so. If it gets really ugly you may have to petition the courts to be the primary care provider for the child and she have visitation.
Get an attorney and speak to him and see what you can do to have access to your child. If you have to do paternity do it. Can you provide a safe place for the child to live? Can you nurture your child with love?
If she is not on her meds she may do something regretful. No one should have to walk on egg shells for someone else. Control freaks lose out on so many levels.
You deserve much better than this. My grandson will be 17 next month and is a senior in high school. Do what you must so that your child is not affected by the mom's mental instability as it does affect the child.
My heart goes out to you. I have and am walking in your shoes so to speak as the grandma that does not get to see her grandson very often through his life. I love him to death and he knows it and he knows why I tell him he is so special to me another long story.
the other S.
PS I love his mom's biological family and they consider me family but the mom is out to lunch in so many ways. My son did find a wonderful woman and married her about five years back. He loves his stepmom I feel more than his mom. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Where does she leave him when you and she go shopping together?
Lots of good advice below. I agree that a paternity test and court are in order. And I also agree to give up on the idea of being with her. She's a difficult person at best, and mentally ill at worst. She knows she has the upper hand and she's using it (based on your version of this).
The one thing I want to add is: for the first year to two years of their lives, babies and toddlers primarily need their mother (or whichever parent is the more 'maternal', nurturing parent). Dad's involvement is more important age 2 and above. Therefore, if you can be a little patient, and you are certain she is sane enough to be a good mom, then I don't think you should try for custody right now.
I think this is the time to take your parenting classes, show that you are a good dad, document payments and everything else, and begin the court process to get shared custody. But babies need to be with their mommies, primarily.
Also, I don't think that shared custody should ever mean that a kid spends one week with mom and one week with dad -- kids need one home they can call their own, so one parent has to be more of the secondary parent.
Good luck.
She has some personal issues along with just having a baby. Her hormones are likely in an uproar, although you mention she was like this before giving birth. In any event, it sounds like her mental stability is a little off, whether it is from her issues, half dose of meds, and/or hormones.
Maybe mom needs to get her stability before you try to pursue a relationship. If she is asking for space, give it to her. If you are interested and you sound like you are, ask her what she wants out of the relationship. Maybe she wants something that you haven't given her yet. If that is the case, ask her to go with you to seek counseling together. Not everyone knows how to express themselves.
If she can't realize parenting is a two party process, then you have to take her to court. I am saying this, assuming you don't have any issues yourself. If you do, you have to be clean for the sake of the baby.
Working things out amongst yourselves is always best for everyone. If she is reasonable enough to talk, discuss the baby's needs, where you can go to get the needs, what he needs to be signed up for, and see where you can help.
If you can't work it out between yourselves, yes the courts will help. See your local district attorney. They will have a nice stack of paperwork for you to complete, but it will be worth it.
I would go to court, get paternity established and get a regular visitation schedule. She could deny you visitation at any point now... you should make it all official.
It sounds like you've made your intentions with her clear about your relationship. There isn't a whole lot you can do, IMO. So I'd focus on being a good dad and if, and when, the time comes she wants a relationship with you - deal with it then.
Your son is the first priority. Get to court and make sure you have a real relationship with him - he will need that! P once you show that you have boundaries, she will not cross them. Don't you deserve to be with a person who will CARE about yOU? This woman is controlling and selfish - why do you wnt to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life? Get 50% custody of your son and them find a woman who will show you the respect you deserve. And get that woman back on her medication for your son's sake!
I think it's bizarre that you and the mother of this child have both written here within hours of each other. It sounds like the same person wrote both posts. If so, then either the mother or the father of this child is deranged, this is one person writing a fabricated story (troll), or one of you saw the same site the other was on and decided to ask for help.
I'm not going to try to figure out which one it is.
The other post is here:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/13807636921775816705
I want to say to you that you do NOT sound like you are 27 years old. You sound like a teenager. You are a fool for being in love with a nut case. ALL YOU ARE at this point is that baby's father.
What do you do for a living? Do you have a career? Is it only a minimum wage job? Do you have a decent place to live? Or are you living with your parents? You need to MAN UP and get your life in order if you are mooching off of your folks and if you don't have a decent job. Do you have an education? You need that too.
I don't know what's going to happen with your child. The baby's mother sounds like she's going to shoot someone - I'd be afraid for ANYONE around that woman in her state of mind, including you. You need to decide if you want to be in that child's life having to deal with this mess of a mother. In MOST circumstances, you'd be a piece of sh*t father who has walked away from his baby, but in your case, I'd be afraid she'd stalk you and hurt you and your family.
If you have a job and you want this child in your life, go to court and DEMAND a DNA test. You need a lawyer to help navigate the court. The lawyer needs to ask the court for mandatory counseling for the mother. She should be evaluated by a court psychiatrist to make sure that the baby isn't in danger.
Time to grow up, "S.". Stop whining like a puppy in love. You are ridiculous talking about loving this woman. I'm sure her mother doesn't know what the heck to do with her. It's a shame that she hasn't gotten her into a hospital to get her help. Time to stop asking people with no legal qualifications in this particular area. Poop or get off of the pot, S. (yeah, I'm being harsh.) Either go get a family lawyer to help you, go to court and deal with this, including demanding that she get into therapy, or stay away from this awful woman. You do NOT have to go to her house EVER. You can have a court appointed person come GET this child and bring her to you. Make sure that the third party changes all the diapers because this nut job of a woman will accuse you of everything under the sun. (Another nut job mother here on Mamapedia accused her ex of the same thing. She was almost as bad as your nut job. Her ex seems to have pretty much given up on being a father to his little girl because that woman is SOOOOO awful. He's no prize, I will say, but the one who loses out the most is the child because neither parent is worth a hill of beans.)
Straighten out your life. Stop acting like a love sick child. Grow up. I wish you a lot of luck - you will need it.
I quit reading about 2/3 of the way through. There is only one thing to do - go to court and get court ordered visitation. Or, you can wait until she decides you can see him. Those are your choices - either the court makes the decision about visitation or she does. Period.
She quit mental health medication what about 9 months ago and had a baby? Her body and emotions are all out of whack and it may take some time to get things back together. It's really not her fault - it's her whacky chemicals/hormones.
It is time for you to no longer allow the inmates to run the asylum. She is litterally crazy and there is no reasoning or rationalizing with the mentally ill.
The BEST thing for you to do is to keep records of the money you have paid out. Either checks or money orders, NEVER cash you can't track. Go to court to establish paternity, get your name on the birth certificate, establish custiody through the courts, If you buy diapers or other baby things keep your receipts for those items. Keep a log of visits and attempted visits. You may want to hire an attorney for this process because it is rare that fathers are awarded custody of chidlren especially infants but you should at the very least establish you have the intention of getting those things in order.
This is not something you want to take lightly or even be emotional about. It would be in your child's best interest to be with the most stable parent.
Find day care for your infant son and everything else you will need for his care as if he were living with you because this could turn around fast. In court stick to the facts. The court will always judge in the best interest of the child.
My husband's ex-wife is mentally ill. Eventually we ended up with custody of their son but it took a long time because my hubby didn't fight for his kid. I say you fight for your son. Get all the things in place first and then go and get him.
If you want to see your son, for your own family to see your son, and have alone time with your son, then you must bite the bullet and take her to court on all counts. Visitaion, vacations, weekends, your name, etc.
You can't worry about money for child support, either you want him or not. If you were with her there would be much more cost then $500.00 a month. We all have bills and kids, thats a drop in the bucket!
Don't COP-OUT DAD! Good Luck and for the record I think you'd make an amzing father, once you're allowed too!!
It seems honorable that you, at 27, still want to be bothered. I wouldn't be angry with you if you decided to sign away whatever your (parental) rights might be and move on. When the other parent makes it this difficult from the beginning, even that early in the pregnancy--and there is no relationship established other than biology--it is better all around to just step down and minimize the volatility. Document what's happening and keep court records in the event that you need to reference this with the child later. Seriously, what good comes from being in constant battle for the next 20 years? What will either of you be able to accomplish between blow-ups and court appearances? Volatility like this can often lead to killing, as well.
If you choose to walk away, just make sure that you sign something that removes you from any responsibility, so she can't ever come back and claim retro support. AND keep documentation. If you or your parents can get you an attorney to handle it, that would be best.
