I have a four year old step-daughter who is great with my bio-daughter. But my bio-daughter is acting out horribly to to her half-sister. You see my four year old is with her mother for nine days and then with us for five days, I am wondering if maybe my 20 month old is just use to having everything hers for those nine days and then acts out when she realizes she has to share. I understand she is at an age where she is still learning how to act right but she won't even allow her sister to sit with me or their dad. She will scream "my daddy!" Then scream and cry throwing a fit and trying to hit her sister until she moves. Any suggestions on how to discipline or help a 20 month old understand that this is not ok would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
It really is just her age. I have one who is 22 months and no one is allowed to hug on daddy...not even and especially not mommy! The best you can do is to be consistant in telling her that daddy is "Sara's" daddy too, and we can all love together. Maybe when she starts to throw her fit, instead of sister getting up, invite littler sister to join in the snuggling. It will get better...eventually. Hang in there.
I would agree that age is part of it. My dd gets super jealous if the dog is sitting in "her" daddy's lap, or if I hug him or anything. It helps (at least with the dog, and I apologize for comparing your step daughter to a dog, I'm just using my frame of reference!) if they both sit on his lap together. Perhaps for story time or something? Or if not enough room, on the couch on either side of him?
I also agree with emphasizing to her that this is her sister, maybe doing a little picture book with pictures of the girls together, the girls with their dad, the whole family, and maybe individually with labels so that she can see her and be reminded of her when she's not there?
It appears that since she is not feeling like part of the family unit. Having to be shuffled off between the two homes. Have you tried making her first couple of hours with you special??
It may be that she needs to have ajustment time to an new environment and feel like she was missed. What can you do to help her feel more welcomed.
If I may suggest, perhaps Daddy should meet her at the door and spend some special Daddy-Daughter time before she is exposed to the rest of the family. This may help her transition knowing that daddy loves her and she was missed.
Adding a special toy or doll that is only played with by her? or perhaps a mini-welcomed back tea party to help her feel missed and loved.
I have a son who has to go to his daddy house every other weekend, and it if hard on these kids. Going from household with one way of parenting to another household with a different way of parenting can make anyone crazy.
Good luck, I would love to know how this works out..:)
i think that you just need to continue doing what you can to teach your 20-month old how to behave appropriately..and as consistently as possible until she's old enough to understand more. This is just something that is a normal phase of parenting when it comes to dealing with a 1.5 year old.
In the meantime, your focus should really be with the 4-year-old. That is where i would put most of my concerns. A 1.5 year-old is not going to remember what she's doing a minute after she's done it, let alone understand it. But the 4 year-old can definitely become affected by her sisters reaction towards her.
The 4-year-old needs lots of encouragement and especially explanations so that she will continue to be loving and not grow to resent the little one. Constant coaching is important: about how the 20 month is still a baby and she doesn't know and babies do these things. And let her know that if she ever feels that it's too much for her to handle, she has choices to do the following: 1, 2, or 3. Give her a way out.
Continue to encourage patience and understanding in the 4-year-old in regards to her little sister. Do role-playing with puppets if it helps. Show her ways that she can handle herself kindly with the little sister so that she doesn't get hurt and she is also being a good example to her little sister on how to behave appropriately.
But most of all, be the 4-year-old's protector..and let her know that you are working on helping the little one... (that way, she too will be happy to continue working on her own patience and understanding toward her little sister).
K.,
I think it's important to understand that your daughter feels replaced when your step-daughter comes over. She is too young to really understand why your step daughter is at the house, and why HER family is loving this other person, even though the other person is family too. Toddlers often have a hard time when a new baby is introduced in the home, because they are still very self centered and, as I said, cannot understand Mom can love you & sister.
I suggest you talk to her about family and include your step daughter in the talks, you if you or your husband have siblings, talk about how she & your step daughter are sisters just like you & Aunt Betty are sisters. Creating coorelations like that are helpful for toddlers. They are concrete thinkers, meaning they understand real things they can see or touch.
I also suggest you read books about family, sisters and step families, helping introduce the idea in her life. You should point out step siblings in the books and talk about your step daughter.
Next, when your daughter is mean to your step daughter, talk to her about her feelings, 'I know you feel angry when Sammy hugs Daddy, but we're family and we want to love each other. You can ask for a hug from Daddy after Sammy is done.'
It's important to teach toddlers HOW we want them to act instead of first punishing for bad behavior, because punishment does not teach. It's also tough to punish your toddler for expressing her feelings, because these actions are her ways of showing she is feeling insecure, so if you punish, you are pushing her away more.
While it's not ok for her to hurt your step daughter, and you cannot allow it to happen, you can redirect the behavior by understanding the underlying cause of the actions.
I wish you the best.
R. Magby
