This weekend, my step-daughter was with my husband and me for her regular weekend visitation. She had one of her friends from school (her mother knew the child, we did not) spend the night. On Sunday, on our way back from breakfast, we passed the hospital and both girls talked about how they and their siblings were born there. My step-daughter mentioned she and her youngest brother (half-brother) were born in the same room. The friends asked if he was her half brother. My step-daughter (who has two half-brothers on her mother's side and a half-sibling expected by my husband and me in October) looked like a deer in headlights. So, I told her friend yes, the child is her half brother. My step-daughter (who can tend to be dramatic and cries a lot for a 10 year old)starts crying. I tell her that there is nothing to cry about. And explain how the labels half- and step-sibling work and that does not mean that the child is any less of a sibling. I even went on to explain, that I only have step-sisters, but I still consider them my sisters. Her friend felt so bad. She started talking about her half-siblings and how lucky my step-daughter was that she got to live with her brothers because she had a half-sister she had never even met and she doesn't get to see her brothers that often. Was I wrong to explain this?
Thanks ladies! The reason I asked was because when she went home, she told her mother I told her that her brother wasn't her brother (the half-truths are not uncommon). So her mother calls up screaming at my husband about how awful he and I are. Of course, she wouldn't be quiet long enough to get the whole story. I have resigned myself to being the scapegoat in these situations, because I have been for seven years. I feel a lot of the mother's issues stem from jealousy. My husband and I have a stable home, a wonderful marriage (that we work at), and are both educated and employed. She dropped out of high school, has three kids by three different men, depends on child support and handouts (or whatever the boyfriend of the month brings in) to live off of, and won't work becuase her job is to be a mother. My overly hormonal pregnant brain was just really stung after she got so angry at me for explaining something she have explained herself (she even has half-siblings).
I think it's totally OK to explain her family, at 10 she is plenty old enough! I have 2 half-brothers, a half-sister, and a step-sister; I was always aware of how we were related growing up, but never looked at it negatively, I was just happy to have siblings. Hopefully she can come to realize that her siblings are something to enjoy- half, step, or anything in between! :)
No, the question was asked so it sounds like you handled it perfectly.
Don't worry, my stepdaughter had the same reaction when we explained that her sister from her mom is her half-sister and the sister from us is her half-sister because they only share one parent in common. She burst into TEARS and freaked out. She thought that if you shared the same mom you were SISTERS but if your mom was your stepmom but you shared the same dad then your sister would be your step-sister. She kept calling my daughter her step-sister, when she is really her half-sister.
We did have to sit down and explain what half and step meant. We used pictures and drew lines on paper. Once it was explained, she felt much better. And we had to say many times that it doesn't have anything to do with how much you love your sister.
My daughter really felt like we were saying her sister was not her sister, so I can see why your stepdaughter explained it that way to her mom as well. Yes, you'll get blamed for many things being a stepmom. You're doing your best, keep it up!
No of course not! She probably was just caught off guard and maybe was a mixture of both sad and embarassed in front of her friend. I am kind of emotional too and honestly, as weird as it sounds, I could see my 10 y/o self probably crying over this too if I had no idea! I'm sure she just needs time to process it and understand it and I'm sure she's fine about it! Maybe check in with her next time you see her and revisit the conversation but you did the right thing!
It's hard. You weren't wrong. I think it is important for people to understand the difference between whole, half, and step siblings just for biological and informational purposes. I know some adults that don't seem to understand the difference which I find ridiculous. At the same time, they should understand that siblings are siblings PERIOD.
I have no full siblings but have 4 half siblings of which I am the oldest (3 I grew up knowing as my siblings, the other was a surprise we found out about more recently....Dad didn't even know). I also have two cousins that I lived in the same house with growing up. I also have one step-sister who was a teen when she joined the family and I was grown (I haven't been around her much especially since she moved away) so I don't really feel like her sibling (if we were raised together it would be different altoghter).
The sister I grew knowing as my youngest sibling was a bit puzzled when she had to do a family tree for school though. She always knew I was her sister and we had the same father but she said "since L. is my step sister, where do I put her on the family tree?". My dad said "She's your sister you put her under me". He didn't explain "half" which would have made things easier in the end.
It's good that you explained it since it was already put out there. When I was young (and even now I must admit) whenever somebody would say, "oh, they are your half-sisters" I would get offended and say there is nothing "half" about them, they are my sisters that's all! I think "sister" or "brother" is enough without adding any other labels unless absolutely necessary and I really don't know when it would be absolutely necessary.
I have a 1/2 sister and 2 step siblings. They are all my siblings. I actually have more in common with my non-bio sister than my bio-sis. You were right to explain. Some people are not mature and it sounds like s-mom is one of them. Considering the home life your SD has, it's not surprising she is the way she is. You're doing your best to be a parent to her. Keep up the good work.
I think you should have just said it was her brother. I dont think it was wrong, but inappropriate in timing & situation. I dont think siblings who are raised together should be given labels like that. My mother and her 2 siblings were raised with 2 half sisters and have NEVER referred to eachother as such. We were explained the situation as far as my granmother passing, grandfather remarried but never like that. Beyond that I dont think it was your place to go there, the friend asked your SD, if she looked as if she didnt know how to respond it would have best for you to say its her brother, as it is. No tears, no need to explain bloodlines to a 10 year old.
I have 4 half siblings and one step sibling.
Nope not wrong to explain it.
The other little girl knew what they are.
Mom over reacted
I think your SD's tears were probably in part because of her mom's reactions to things. If her mom tends to get overblown, then your SD probably feels more terrible than necessary. I think a factual discussion of steps and halfs isn't wrong, and if SD is of an age where her friends ask, she should have a good answer. That she got it wrong is a different kettle of fish, but I don't think you were wrong for the explanation to begin with.
I think it depends on what was really upsetting your step-daughter.
You were just being factual, but maybe her mom tries to de-emphasize the "half" nature of the relationship. My two sons are technically half brothers because they have different fathers, but we NEVER refer to them that way. I'm not sure they would refer to each other that way either.
It probably just caught her off guard, and maybe she didn't want to seem "different" than her friend. I suppose in hindsight I might have said "that's her brothers on her mom's side of the family." But hindsight is always 20-20. Don't beat yourself up.
In my family growing up as a child and even my current family we never separated ourselves as half-brothers and sisters since we all grew up in the same household. When my two younger daughters called their older sister a half sister, I told them she was thier whole sister.
I think your step-daughter is sweet and sensitive. Her not wanting to have her brother demoted to a half brother is probably why she was crying. As parents who are making those distinctions, please do not treat your step, or thier half siblings to your baby any differently from your own. They will pick up on this and will act out.
Having a blended family will not be easy. Especially when you have children that don't live full time in your house.
All the best.
Ouch, sticky situation. I've had to explain to my SD's why their mother's ex's where no longer their "daddy so and so", why those guy's kids where no longer their "brother or sister" and it was just so very awkward, but they asked questions, and it was either lie, or explain it.
I think you handled this as best as possible, and probably kept her friend from embarrassing her with more questions she didn't know how to answer.
