2 1/2 Year Old Twin Boys Are Out of Control

I would recommend a program called Tuesday's Child. The web site is http://www.tuesdayschildchicago.org/
They have a sliding scale depending on your income and some insurances will cover the program as well. It is an 8 or 12 week parenting program that teaches behavioral management skills for parents who are at the end of their rope.
Feel free to contact me if you have questions.

I'm sorry, I didn't read all of the responses...I couldn't. It was too frustrating. I have b/g twins that will be 2 in January as well as 9 nieces and nephews that I have been very close to as they have grown up. I can sympathize so much with what you are going through. This is a fun and crazy time. They are learning so much at this age, and testing their limits each day. I wish I had more advice to give you. I'm still trying to find the winning combinations as well. But I have to say this. Please don't let these women (some never mentioned if they were actually mothers and their lack of compassion and experience makes me wonder) get to you with their comments about the future. Your boys are not going to grow up and be criminals because they push your buttons as toddlers. All of my family and friends children have gone through some similiar phase at this age and they are great kids. And the parents dealt with it in every different way imaginable. I think there is some really great advice from some of the responses. Keep trying and you'll find the right mix for you and your boys. Remember that you are doing a great job. And kudos to you for trying to take them to these fun classes by yourself. I haven't yet braved that type of event alone.

EF is right, hubby has to be on board. What does he think about the poor behavior in public and tearing apart the house? Time outs didn't work for us either, btw. There are lots of good plans out there and you can tailor them to your family. Whatever plan you pick, consistency is the key. Other things that might help a couple of the behaviors you mentioned is individual dedicated time w/mommy, if you can -I'm not great at that one, I try though (even 10 min. can help)and/or alone time with a toy. I created a special place for my oldest to be able to play with a toy w/out interference from her sister. My girls are 2 yrs. apart so while I can not sympathize w/having twins, I do understand about trying to divide your time. One of your sons is just asking for some independence too. Not wanting your help with projects is a good thing. At this age they want to start exercising some control over their lives. I get things set up for my daughter and let her have at it, letting her know that I'm nearby should she get frustrated and need a little help with something. You can also let them make some of the decisions. If you can, give them a choice between two things (e.g., johnny it's your turn to pick lunch today, do you want grilled cheese or pb? The next day is billy's turn). Best wishes, I hope you get this sorted. Have a great Thanksgiving.

Try reading 1-2-3 Magic. It might be helpful in setting rules and consistency in your household. If you hate that book and try other techniques, that's fine too but remember that you need to pick ONE set of standards/expectations and stick with them.

Hi,
You must be so frustrated! I can sympathize totally -- my 2 1/2 year old boy pushes my buttons all the time, too. I've been doing classes with him ever since his sister was born when he was 20 months old -- it's really hard to do those out-of-house activities with more than 1 kid under three, I think. But don't you think it's worth it to keep trying? Your boys are taking away important lessons from all the good things you're doing for them: figuring out life's boundaries for behavior, how to interact within your family and with strangers, too, plus all the fun that activities bring. One of the things I always do is end my day with a bedtime song or story about what we've done today (both good and a little bit of the bad behavior we don't like and why) and then looking forward to tomorrow's activities. I try to point the kids towards the great stuff coming up, and then prime them to discuss how to act in situations like those. For example : we go to a soccer class on Tuesdays. On Monday night, I tell my son that tomorrow is Tuesday, its a soccer day, and we're going to take the train. And we discuss the whole scenario, so he knows what's coming, and how he's going to behave. We talk about it again in the morning, kind of a day plan. It seems to stem off some of the tantrums, at least. Don't know if it's helpful for you and your boys, but I hope so! Keep going, try to stay patient, and maybe ask your husband to get into the habit of priming them for good behavior, too?

I don't really have any great advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that I can sympathize! I have a VERY strong-willed 3-year-old boy who decides when he wants to listen, what he wants to do, etc. Your email just reminded me of times I've been through, so I can only imagine how stressful it must be with two! Just try to keep in mind, it's just a phase, and they will get through it. Good luck with everything and hang in there!!!

You can't allow them to show such disrespect for you or the others in the library. Take them by the arm and get them out of there. When they're in the car, tell them you're not taking them anywhere until they know how to behave. Let them scream and carry on until they pass out if necesary. If they're disrespectful at this age over fun projects, what do you think it will be when they're teens??? Your husband better get on the bandwagon before it's too late. Happy Thanksgiving. p.s. take the stuff off the walls until they know how to behave and you remove 1 of their toys at a time (and keep them) until they learn. You have to be the strong one, the PARENT.

I think E-F had some good ideas. The main thing is that this will not get better as the twins age; it is not a phase. You and your husband must intervene and establish discipline and limits. It will not happen automatically - you need to do some research on discipline systems (like 1-2-3) pick one and stick with it. If your husband does not get on board it won't work. At first it will be hard and I suggest you limit your outings until the twins get the hang of things. Just remember - you are helping them!!! No child wants to be out of control and angry all the time.

One more thought: what are you teaching them about how to treat women when you let them hit you and treat you with disrespect. Mothers are not to serve as punching bags (literally and figuratively). Stick up for yourself!

Good luck.

Hi L. - I sympathize with you. I have a very strong willed child and I am going through a tough time with my 3 year old daughter becoming loud, pushy and aggressive when she does not get her way. A big part of the problem is that my husband also lets her get away with a lot of inappropriate behavior. I have been at my wits end with both of them because I make progress with her only to have it all go to pot when my husband gets home.

You really need to sit down with your husband in private and discuss what behaviors will be tolerated and not tolerated and what the consequences will be so that you are both consistent. That is the key to success. That and constant repition and positive reinforcement for good behavior. We bought a Mellissa and Doug responsibility chart and that has helped us also. I still use time outs but they are not all that effective for me. What I have also started doing is writing a step by step notecard for my husband regarding how to handle certain behaviors. My husband just does not know how to handle certain situations so my daughter handles him! I am now also sort of coaching him and reminding him when I see my daughter display behaviors that are inappropriate. My husband sort of resents me sometimes but I remind him that a well balanced, kind and respectful child is more important to me than anything else. Kids need limits even though they want to run the show sometimes. I give my daughter choices as much as possible but not so that they interfere or disrupt our whole family. I also just read a book that has helped me understand how a strong willed child thinks and feels called "You Can't Make Me-but I can be persuaded" and that has also helped me out a bit. I wish you all the best. I hope things get better for you.

Their behavior sounds perfectly normal -- sorry to say. Toddlers need LOTS of sleep, nutrition, love and positive reinforcement... and I think you need some support -- can you get some babysitting help? Toddler twins sounds like a major helpful. Please take care of yourself so you can love them best... and get some help for you - that's my hope for your family. Good luck -- maybe see a professional counselor and/or talk to a kind, wise pediatrician.

I have no advice but my 2 1/2 yo boy is acting the SAME WAY. I feel your pain.

Hi there. I have two-year-old boy/girl twins, and I feel some of your pain! I've heard some of the advice before, too, about don't let them misbehave at the library, etc., but I can't quite figure it out either. I think some kids are just a lot more active than others. Frankly, I just don't take my kids to certain places by myself. It just doesn't seem to me as if they're old enough to be reasoned with in some cases, and they don't really understand/care/remember later yet if we just leave somewhere. Every now & then I try to do something with them again (park, picnic, library, etc.), and it's usually better when they're just a little older.

Anyway, I could go on & on, but the bottom line I have for you is this: Have you joined a twins' club yet? I find there is nothing more supportive than talking to other moms of multiples, as it's really not the same as having one toddler, or even two small kids of different ages. Some advice carries over, but sometimes not. I belong to a club that meets in Bolingbrook, but there are many around the suburbs. If you haven't joined one, or tried it but didn't like it, try another club in the area. Our "boundaries" are very loose, and many people actually belong to two clubs. The state website is www.iomotc.org, and there is a link for a listing of all of the individual clubs.

Hope to maybe see you at a playdate or something! Good luck, and hang in there.

It is very important that you and your husband have a discussion over a pot of coffee (just meaning that it will have to be one where there aren't any boys around and you have time to really talk). Together you have to decide what battles you are going to engage in and which you are willing to let go. For example: what they wear, you will let them choose, if they want to do stuff themselves let them-but come up with a plan when he gets into trouble-how does he need to ask, these would be battles you don't choose to fight. Ones you will stand firm on is no hitting, no taking things off the wall and you then come up with a general consequence for house rules that are broken. There will be things that come up that you will need to discuss and decide a special consequence because it is a unique situation. My family has these 21 rules of this house as our rules. They are great and encompass all that we want as rules. You can order it at www.noblepublishing.com. Some examples of rules is 'you will put others interests above your own'; 'when we take something out we put it away; 'We tell the truth'; rules #1 is We obey our Lord Jesus Christ and rule #2 is We love, honor and pray for one another. Anyway those are some of the rules the first half are relational rules how we interact with each other and the second half of the rules are things they need to remember to do to work as a family to keep the house clean and respect the house. It comes with a book and you take each rule and practice it for one week, you get a coloring page and then with each week you add the next rule and so on. As my kids have gotten older when they break a rule they now have to write it a certain number of times. Just tonight my 10 year old daughter broke 3 rules: We do not hurt each other with unkind words or deeds; We consider others interest above our own and We take care of the things God gave us. She had to write each one 5x's. Anyway it has worked for our family to have the concrete rules and a way to help them remember and how to use them.