17 Year Old Wants to Drop Out of Track

Are you wanting a skinny daughter or a disciplined daughter? I find it odd that you brought up her height and weight. It seems as if you are concerned with her appearance rather than her ability to get into college. She is 17 and within a year, she will be an adult making her own decisions. You need to let her start now. If she does well on the ACT or SAT and has a 4.0, you don't need to worry about sports. Harvard and other Ivy League don't offer sports scholarships. If she is looking at a state school, she can get in strictly on grades and ACT scores. I am assuming she has excellent grades, because track doesn't make that big of an impression on schools. It would only matter if she was going against other kids of 4.0 or higher caliber.

As far as weight goes, I can't imagine that it is any of your business. She is almost an adult. You are crossing the line discussing her weight. What a personal insult!

I don't know what kind of advice I can give, but I can tell you from a personal standpoint because I too dropped out of track (Many, many years ago) April of my Senior year. My father, who was very strict, wouldn't talk to me for over 2 weeks, my coach told me I was selfish because it was a sport that came very easy to me and I went to State every year, while many girls struggled to place in their events. I guess for me it was that I just wanted to do something different, I had had enough. The coach let me take a two week break to see if this was really what I wanted...and it was. I guess I wouldn't worry so much about her gaining weight because there are always other ways to stay active. I'm 5'7, 36 years old, have children and wear a size 8..I play vb, softball and enjoy chasing the kids around. I don't think track had that big of an influence on me with reguards to staying fit...that is a choice for each of us to make. If you tell your daughter she HAS to stay in track, will she give it 100%? I'm thinking she won't, I know I didn't and my dad pushing and the coach pushing just made it worse for me..the more they pushed, the more I wanted to get out of there. My mom was supportive of whatever I decided to do. Is track all that important? If she gaines some weight does that really matter? To this day when I see my old coach I really don't care for him, all I can think of is what an ass he was to me and I also think how awful my own father was to me, when in the end did it really matter? I think I turned out ok, I went to college, I have a beautiful home and a wonderful husband...did being in track have anything to do with that? I don't think so. I'd say just be supportive, talk with her to see if this is really what she wants. Maybe there is something else she could get involved with. My parents set some guidelines once I quit...my grades had to improve, which they did bein I had more time to study and I wasn't allowed to go to any track meets to watch. Dad said if I wanted to be there I shoud have stayed in track. So, even with the guidelines I still quit and I don't regret doing it, even though I had many people upset with me. Sorry for going on and on....just be supportive because in the end she is going to do what she wants to do. Can't make someone run when they don't want to and hopefully 10 years from now she will remember how supportive you were and how you were there for her, like my mom was for me. She let me make the mistakes I needed to make and not running track didn't make me who I am today. Good luck with everything, I hope you all can come to some agreement.

I did my senior college research paper on children (not just little ones) sports and self-esteem. The number one reason younger kids drop out of sports is that they are not having fun. That was ALWAYS my parents philosophy--they would sign us up for anything and everything (within reason) as long as we were having FUN (even in high school). My junior year of HS, I chose to try out for soccer instead of softball (which I had played since I was 6!) I think my dad (who had been my rec league softball coach most of those years) was a bit disappointed, but he supported my decision. I ended up playing at a D-III college and was a captain my sophomore year. Bottom line, soccer (in HS) was more fun for me (and I didn't even get much playing time until college!) WHile I do partly agree with the "finish what you start" (especially when it is a committment that other people are counting on and there aren't others to "replace" you), but high school is tough enough without being forced to do extra curricular activities that are not fun. I encourage you to get to the bottom of WHY she doesn't want to do track and then support her decision (support is so important in HS!) Then encourage her to at least look into other sports, clubs, activities (school OR community) that she could get involved in over the summer or during her senior year. If you are concerned about the "resume" for college applications, volunteering (even once a week) with an organization she likes looks GREAT!! I am in a relatively small town/city that does have a hospital, and they have a "volunteen" program for the summer--it is highly successful. Good Luck, but from personal experience (of myself and my 3 younger siblings), please try not to force her to continue an activity that is no longer enjoyable. There are many character (and resume) building activities beyond sports.

B.,

Maybe the $75 dollar sport fee should be a problem for you!! I think the $3000.00 trip and new car should have been a problem too. You say that you want more for your kids, but what are you teaching them?

You're worried about college, but I think you have larger issues at hand, to deal with first. Are you really sure you want more for your children? If so, I think it's time to close the bank!

I applaud you - stick to your guns. Too many times we let our children start and quit things - OK, at 17 they aren't children......... They need to stick it out and yep, they might be unhappy at times but they will make it through. Good for you!!! You sound like a common sense mom who is trying to teach the "Real" lessons in life!!

I agree with the start to finish. And yes EVERYTHING they do in high school counts on a resume for college.......everything. It is April, track will only continue another month or 2, it won't break her to pieces to finish it. I would talk to her coach and ask him to speak with her. Find out if there is anything she needs to improve on and show tons of interest. Staying with it is so very important. I have 4 children, at one point they were all teenagers at one time. 2 have stayed with what they joined since they were 4, the other 2 did not. The 2 that stayed active have a much higher GPA, they are much more committed to their future, and seem all around happier. The 2 that did not, have not found their passion, yes, they have learned to be prepared for their future, but through the school of hard knocks and reaching their goals will take longer. Who is to say which is better? The 2 that did not finish are much more street wise than the 2 that did. They have a common sense, and know that they will have to work harder to get to their goal. The two that finished have always worked hard but seem to expect more and are very hard on themselves if they fail at something. (meaning much more stressed) Your daughter should really be looking at colleges at this point. Point her head in that direction, encourage her to stay with it and speak to her guidance councilor. Scholarships for juniors will be posted very soon and so many of them have deadlines. If track is something she just started, and hasn't done all of her life, then maybe it just isn't for her, but, if she has been involved for a few years, do not let her quit. And definately encourage replacing it with another activity such as ambassadors, peer helping or like you said, a job. High school jrs. and srs. seem to find a lot of nothing to do, which can lead to the hard knocks.

She is 17. Why wouldn't she have a job? I had one from 15 on and my parents made me save 50% of everythign that I earned for college. I agree that she should be doing something, but if she doesn't like track, she'll just resent you for making her do it. Quitting a sport will not make her a quitter for the rest of her life. I quit track and soccer. But I also did Cross country for 2 years, cheerleading for 3 years and my senior year, all I did was drama, no sports. I was not very good at any of them and was really just in them for the social aspect (boys) of it anyways. Drama was a lot less work for the same rewards. I was also working, though. I enjoyed my job far more that I would have enjoyed track or soccer and I earned my own money, too.

Living through the teenage years with your children is tough. I did it "by the seat of my pants" and I think that is what usually happens. Sometimes parents lose their tempers (you are human, after all) and say things like, you can't come home until you have lined up a job. I think the message was fine (except the get a job before you come home part)and now you need to stick by what you said and see that she continues to try to get a job. Good luck!

I asked my mother (a LONG time ago) why she let me live through the teenage years, and she said that you should not try to judge you parenting skills until you kids are 25, because then you can tell if any of the things you tried to teach them took.

As you found out, you need to pick your fights with teens. My son was a wrestler, he did well at it and loved it. When he was a Junior he wanted a car and since we wouldn't buy one (I think it is important children work for their cars to learn how to earn things rather then given to them) he had to choose wrestling or work. The coach wouldn't let him miss practices for work and told me I should just buy him a car. Needless to say, he didn't join wrestling his senior year, but finished out track his Jr year before getting his job. It took only a few months into his senior year when he realized what he gave up. He told me "I will never have the chance to wrestle again and I will be working for the rest of my life" She may regret giving up track later, but that is a life's lesson. Working and making their own money makes them feel like adults, keep it on a positive side and teach them the importance of saving. I didn't do that and regret it now that all my kids are out on their own the two older ones spend what they make, then when they have a emergancy, they haven't anything to fall back on. She is growing up and needs to learn to budget and save.

Throughout school I was required to participate in something. All it did for me was make me hate my parents for making me do something I did not like, which in turn made me very rebellious. I ended up dropping out of swimming around this time of year my junior year because my coach was a horrible person. I am not a quitter, but it was the right thing for me to do. I agree with some of the other moms that maybe you should have her join something else that maybe she's more interested in. I love the idea of volunteering. I agree with you that she should remain active, but my mom used to say the same thing to me about staying fit as I get older and I still hear that in my head and it makes me sick. I'm 30 now, 5'1'' and about 110 lbs post baby (was probably 95 lbs as a junior) I have developed my own sense of healthy lifestyle that is totally independent from my parents thinking. Good luck, I am not looking forward to having a teenage daughter but just try to remember what it was like being a teenager yourself.

I'm interested to know the responses because I only have a 5 year old. My mom let me quit piano junior year in HS and now I wish she hadn't; she didn't want me to quit. But I was doing a ton of other activities... I think you are right for college apps, and for physical activity, but I feel unqualified to offer actual advice. Good luck!

B.;

I see nothing wrong in what you did. I agree they should start what they finish, but you maybe fighing a losing battle. I would stay with the job idea. Give her a choice, she works, or completes the track season.
Hang in there!
Mary

Since you really have no idea why she has quit ~ you may want to assume that it could be about social relationships at track rather than her not being willing to do the work. You are missing an important opportunity here to ask her about her friends and the kids at school.

A loving mom will ask a child who suddenly quits something she loves "why?". You should lead her to talk about it. If she doesn't want to, back off.

It's not your life B. ~ it's hers. She will be making umpteen decisions from here on out that you will disagree with. Let this be the first.

If you are feeling especially badly about the money, ask her to work it off around the house at $5/hour.

Stop pushing... she is your big girl, your first baby, the one who loves you. Remember to guard her heart from being hurt by you while she is feeling so hurt by what ever it is that made her stop going to track.

I know this one B., I have a 20 year old that quit violin, soccer and eventually a circle of friends. It's really her life to lead and make mistakes in. And who knows, maybe none of these decisions were mistakes in the end. Life is long, mistakes are forgotten but a mother's love never is.

I don't think you should make her. She's old enough to make her own decisions and when your in highschool you may start out as a freshman into one thing and have your interests change a few years later.

It would be nice for her to stay in a sport, keep her doing something positive and in shape.

What is her reasoning? I quit sports in highschool because I thought it was more fun to run with the kids after school which did include smoking pot and being rebelious.

Maybe tell her if she quits track she has to take up something else.

Find out what makes her want to quit. Being so short she may be slower (shorter stride) and not qualify for other activities that require height. She's in a gymnast's body, really.
If it doesn't appear to be lazyness then help her find something to replace her track time with. She can also join other groups in school to put on the college resume, or volunteer at a nursing home or animal shelter if that suits her better.

Do you know why she wants to quit? Is there a conflict with the coach or a teammate? If money is truly (part of) the issue, have her come up with some solutions for paying you back.

It might not hurt to start by apologizing for overreacting. You're allowed to be human too. Then explain your concern for her health and future--your reasons for reacting the way you did, and why those reasons are important things to you. See if she has some solutions to make you feel better about it and make her feel better about it. (A lot of colleges don't really care that much what your activities are, especially if you have decent grades)

I'd highly recommend reading How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Faber/Maslish and/or Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Good luck!!

I wouldn't make her stay in track if she doesn't want to. I would make her pay you back the fee though! If she's forced to stay in it, is she really going to put in her best effort?

What is her reason for wanting to drop out?

I wouldn't force her to stay in track. At 17 y.o., she's ultimately going to do what she wants, anyway. But, you can certainly make her reimburse you for any money you spent on track stuff this season.

I wouldn't worry about her college application. Being in an activity just for the sake of being in an activity seems pointless to me. Encourage her to explore her other interests, which may or may not be school-related (volunteer work? book club?).

Hi B.,

I agree with you...she started the activity, she should finish it. We never let our children quit something they started either. Like you, if they would have made this choice before the activity started it would have been okay, but once you start something, you need to finish it. They learned some very good lessons from that...teaching them that they need to finish something they start stays with them the rest of their lives. Our children are 29 and 26, and they are both very dedicated to their jobs and other activities they are involved in as adults, and I do believe that comes from not being a quitter.

Good Luck!!!

C.

B., I let my son drop out of band after many years.. I was sick about it but he was going to practise at home.. never happened.. He had a confilt with the new teacher.. It eased his pain. Years later he is playing his instrument again with a band and the utmost joy.. No pressure, just joy! best not to push.. I like that you talked with her about health and excercise and how important that is.. Perhaps she will continue that on her own without the pressure of track... I did not like my track coach in high school.. in fact took on track in college and did much better.. To this day I still run at age 50... So happy as it not only helped my figure but also mental stress relief.. Perhaps walk / run together through this transition. C

Wow, I don't know if I have anything more to add, but what I've heard is that the time and communication that you, the Mom, share with the children and what you do together is the most influential character building activity. We also said finish what you start when the kids were very little. Then, there was the occasional bribe. I don't have any late teenagers yet, and I bet I'll get the pushback too, but they do want to test their limits, see if they do stuff that you might disagree with and still love them anyway. So love her, recognize the amazing stress that any high school student has these days, and help her to choose and balance activities that are best for all of you. She needs to hear and respect family input, but she also needs to be able to make decisions, too. (ps. Maybe the two of you could do some exercise, bike ride, golf or yoga or something together to replace the track/athletics for now). Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. That is what your daughter will remember the most! Blessings~

Hi B.
I completley agree with you. I am sure she has known from day one that your rule is if you start something you finish it. Good for you stick to your values and she will thank you in the long run. :)T.

We have the same rule in our home - if you start it, you must finish the season/year. It teaches them to honor commitments and sometimes teaches them how to do things they might not like doing - which is often the case in the "real" world.

Yes, it looks good for college to have extracurricular activities but they aren't a requirement. It's just as important to have taken a well-rounded set of classes - art, foreign language, sciences, etc... And there's more than just sports that kids can do for the extra-curricular activities. Drama and art clubs, forensics, debate, musicals, etc...as well as volunteer work and part-time jobs. All count when being considered for college.

I would let her quit if she wants to. As long as she has a good reason for it. When I was 14 I quit volleyball halfway through the season because I was miserable. I am by no means a quitter in everything and because I had a valid reason that I gave my parents they allowed me to do it.

hi

I dont know if this will be much help I had gone through the same things with my now 18 year old daughter and i know that i did all i can to encourage her and she ended up never going back. and it to broke my heart.My son who is 17 would start and finish no proble may be it could another ( young adult thats has said something neg that has turn her head I would ask more questions and search more into the why she dose not want to run. i dont realy have the anwsers i know that i was sad because my daughter became a unde achiever and now things are turning them selfs around. I think that as parents that we have to understand that we gave them life and sometimes the more that we do to tell or show them, the harder they fight to do want they want I wish that i could have changed my daughter mind , i only made it worse (somehow)

Hi, B.: first off, you did exactly the right thing. Too much time on a teen's hands spells one word: trouble. I know a woman with 3 kids in college, and they each were accepted into the college of their choice because their records demonstrated perseverance, commitment, and time budgeting. If your daughter is not in track, then she needs to be working. There will be so many things in life you will encounter that you don't like: and you just can't quit. There will be classes in college you don't like, trouble spots in marriage, a difficult co-worker. You learn to push through, but you don't run when it gets tough. I worked in college admissions: we first looked at grades, then extracurricular activities, then the letter of recommendation. Kids who only had good grades weren't seen as highly as those who were able to get good grades while in sports. It shows time budgeting, and coping, and a dedicated spirit. You are right on the ball. What you do today, shapes your tomorrow. GO MOM!!!

B., I really think you need to be supportive of your daughter right now. 17 is a very hard age, I remember well, I'm 20. I never played sports in high school, mostly because I got a job at 15, but my mom was always supportive. This made for a better relstionship, if you want to be close with your daughter I think you should just state what you think about it and let her decide. Something like this is not trivial, let her make her own mistakes. Maybe in a few years she's turn around and say you were right, or maybe she'll get something better and have made the right decision. Either way, you don't want it to harm what you have with her.

I think you need to sit down with her and find out why she wants to quit. If it isn't something she is enjoying anymore making her go to practice won't do much other than to make her resent you more. You did pay the fee but it is her time and her body she has to put through the rigors of practice. At 17 she should be allowed to make that kind of choice for herself but there could be an underlying reason for the sudden desire to quit.
If she does quit maybe have her reimburse you part of the fee you paid for her to participate (you could prorate it based on the amount of time she has invested). I think you should emphasize her size less too. While a solid foundation in exercise is good it isn't the be all end all. Most of the people I know were not active as teenagers but they are now. Also, none of my friends were in sports in high school and they got into college without any problems.

I have teens too -- I can't stress enough how you are totally on the right page about starting what you finish. I would let her know you are worried about her and that you lost your temper because of the stressful situation and apologize to her. Then I would tell her you love her a lot and you're going to support her by being at all her meets as she finishes her season, but that quitting now is non-negotiable (unless there is a medical or safety reason). Get your hubby on board and present this in a united front. She will balk, pout, sulk and try to make your life miserable, and then in about 5 years she'll call you and tell you what a great mom you are :-D I speak from experience! Good luck!

S. in MN

Dear B.,
I totally agree with your rationalization. I have 4 kids, 2 17, 1 that is 12, and 1 that is 4. I have never pushed sports on my kids but they have done things here and there. But if they start, they finish. If you let her quit it will also show the smaller kids it's ok to start something and not commit to it. Don't make it about her weight though. Think of it maybe in money terms. When my kids start going down on their grades, I ask them if they want a D or an A on that resume. Do they want to make 20,000 a year or 40,000. Do they want to drive a pinto or a beamer. They want the finer things in life. Track is a very positive discipline to show on a resume. If she quits, she can't show it at all. All she would be showing is that she quit. The only thing I can tell you is to try to put it into monetary value. My kids also know as long as they do what they are supposed to, they keep there cell phones, their friends priveledges (along with the computer because they can talk to them there), I don't keep any phone line phones upstairs at all and that way it they are on that phone I know about it. Priveledges are just that. Earned priveledges. They are taken for granted now adays but not when they are taken away and STUCK TO for awhile. Good luck with her but calm down, take a deep breathe, and a different approach.

Stick to your guns B.!
I agree with you all the way! My kids are in karate and every time I need to pay the fees, I ask them if they want to continue....because they know if they want to quit, they have to quit when the "session" is over, not in the middle.
She needs to finish out the season! Kudos to you!

Have you asked her why she wants to drop out? Maybe there is a valid reason. Maybe she doesn't want to be included with the group of kids that are in it? Maybe there is a problem with the coach? Maybe she feels it is affecting her grades? I would definatly have a heart to heart with her to find out the real reason. I also wouldn't "make" her stay in it. I think you are only asking for trouble/rebellion then. I do agree with having her find a way to pay you back though. And also possliby paying for anything else she wants to do in the future. That would teach more of a lesson and make her stay more responsible than making her stay in Track.

Do some investigating. Did someone say something negative, is she being left out of some things? I have 6 children ages 23-10 and I have learned that usually the reason a child changes his mind is because of someone elses opinion.
just a thought...good luck

I think you're on to the right "track" (excuse the pun) by telling her that if she doesn't do track, she needs to find another activity to replace it with. Instead of forcing her to get a job, maybe together you can find an activity she can do (or a job) that she enjoys and selects on her own to replace track? Does she have other interests? Maybe saying, "Fine, I understand you dont' want to do track but let's find something else you can do that will look good on the college application" would be a friendlier way to handle it and keep the peace between you two? Good luck!

I agree-she should stay in track. There must be a reason for her wanting to quit-maybe talk about it with her, but definetly encourage her to stay in track. Staying involved in at least one sport, and/or one organization is very, very important at her age. I speak from experience. If you want to email further, I can give plenty of reasons why (I haven't been out of college for a long time either). Hope that helps. You are doing the right thing. And losing your temper isn't always a bad thing, she's 17 and doesn't have a job (I grew up on a dairy farm-had chores to do, and worked out when I was 16. Plus I was heavily involved in organizations, and track my senior year. It can be done-I never got out of my chores, so trust me, having things to do is a good thing-keeps everyone out of trouble. :) )

B., you said you really didn't need advice, as you knew how you were going to handle this? You say that how you have handled it so far, is not right. I do not know what your intentions are but I would like to try to help, if I may, of course.

You can take it, or leave it, but here is my advice. First, I would like to give you a little history about my experience. My son, who is absolutely incredible at every thing he begins, including sports, computer literacy, intelligible subjects and books; you name it; he is above-average. He would excel in athletics, running, swimming, basketball, gymnastics; everyone loved him and expected him to be in the Olympics. Originally, that is where his heart was. But at some point, he changed his mind, and in his Junior year of high school, after having scouts follow him, he begin to act differently. He did not show passion in most things he did, regardless of what it was, and after a period of time; he was sickened to come to me and ask, "Would you be mad at me if I quit basketball?" Well, of course, in my youth, I was unstoppable too. I excelled in all sports, regionals and state in track, nationals in softball....etc. But I asked him, "I thought you loved basketball, always talking about your victories and all, why would you want to quit?" It was then that I found out; he was only doing these things to "bring me joy and happiness and make me feel proud" of who he is. So that, brought me joy, and I allowed him to be "WHO" he was, which makes him who he is today. We can only guide them the best we can, but we cannot make them who they will be. So I ask you, dig deep inside, and ask yourself if your child is trying to make you enjoy who they are? Trust me, sports does not make the person; it may "help" on a resume for some, but to others, it may display more energy in physical aspects which eventually loses strength, versus wisdom and knowledge, which lasts an eternity and keeps growing within us. Also, I understand the necessity for exercise and keeping fit; I STILL exercise daily to maintain my weight, and it is STILL a constant struggle, but your child can exercise in so many ways.

Be there for your 17 year old, it sets the relationship with them, after they leave home to be an adult. Be proud of them and love them, no matter what. You know the Bible says to love your child; teach and train them up right in the ways of the Lord, and they will not depart from it. That means that no matter where they head in life, they will always have the truth in their hearts because it has been planted there, and no matter how far they deter from the path, God promises to be faithful to our children for a 1000 generations. So be at peace and know that you cannot lead them, but He will.

I hope you take this to heart and know that I am not judging you, but we are to protect them from harm, not our dreams for them. Pray, pray and pray some more for God's will for them.

I agree, if you start something, you finish it. End of story. Next year, don't sign up. But she should have something lined up to fill her time. I agree that many parents are happy to let their kids do whatever makes them happy. But that is NOT how life always works. I get up every morning, go to work, come home, cook dinner, do laundry, clean a messy, nasty, 4 males in the house toilet, clean the house.
Why?
Because it makes me happy?
Ummm, No.
Because I need to. It needs to be done. Because my husband and I started a family. Because we need to finish it. Of course, the love that comes along with having a family makes it all worth it, but it also includes providing shelter, food, and clothing. And you can't buy that stuff with love.
My 12 year old daughter would love nothing more than to come home after school and watch MTV and talk on the phone until midnight. But that's not how you become a great person or a productive member of the community. You have to do more that just want to be great, you have to work for it. I like telling my daughter what she might be doing right now if we lived in a third world country.
And I fully agree that learning to be active now, will help you later in life. I wish my mom had made me participate in after school activities. I wish I would have found some activity that I love. I hate exercising now and only do it to stay healty and keep weight off. And, my highschool memories aren't ones I even want to or can/should share with my kids now.
Blah, blah, blah, a little long, anyway, I think you know what is right for your daughter and expecting her fulfil her commitments is a good thing!