12 Year Old Loosing Her Mind?!?!?

Hi, I am a stay at home Mom of 5 kids. I have seen fases come and go but the teen years are what I dred the most. We have a 10 yr old boy who has just started with the lieing about homework and things. I can't say that I have a mirical cure or even great advice but I can tell you that you sound like a loving Mother. I don't know about you, but I can remember going through a real difficult stage around those pre-teen and teen years. I know that I'm in for alot for what I put my parents through! I do know that I can't remember what we fought about or even why we did. I cant remember why I did half the things I did. What I do remember is that no matter what, My Dad never gave up on me and no matter what I did he was always there.(sometimes with a frown and a harsh word or two) You and your family will make it through this difficult time and later down the road she will call you,(maybe after she grows up and has her own kids) and tell you how much she thanks you for continueing to try and never giving up. I wish you the best through this time. Good Luck!

Hi J.,
I've mentioned this before on this site, and I think it's appropriate for your situation. Get her involved in activities. A local theater production, a church youth group, a soccer group, flute lessons, piano anything, anything, anything. There are free things for kids to do, but investing in a $20 piano or voice lesson, is showing her that you care about her and feel she has worth. You didn't mention if she has any outside activities, so I'm assuming she doesn't. I have a 16 year old and 14 year old and never had a days grief over them mostly because they are very involved in many things. They've learned respect because they have many adults that they have too respect, i.e. their flute and violin teachers, and directors etc. Don't assume just because she turned a certain age that she is going bad, people like to say the "terrible two's" or "teenagae terror" and label kids, which I personally hate. I rather believe that the kid is crying out for something or someone in his or her life, and most likely that's you. Why don't the two of you take a belly dance lesson together? I took a hip hop class with my daughter for a while, it was a blast and I lost some weight too. I could go on, but hopefully you get my point. Good luck

I know exactly what you are talking about. When My now 13 year old turned 12 she did the same thing. The lying about having homework done, chores being done, feeding the pets and etc. I sort of felt that she did it just for the attention. Still do at times! I found out that the only thing that helped was taking away the things that meant the most to her. I figured out that it is the use of the phone that she treasures the most. GONE! I have limited her activities to homework club @ school and soccer practices/games. On the days that she does as she is asked I give a limited time on the phone as a reward. On the days when I don't even have to ask for things to be done I reward her even more. I seems to be working. Atleast fo the time being. I have noticed that she has even been more open to me about the things that are going on in her life. School stuff, boy and her friends. The school e-mails me every Monday regarding her missing work and attendance. She is rewarded accordingly. I think all kids say they don't want chores and fight us on it but, the facts are that kids thrive on having them. Mine does. Someone once told me that the word "YOU MAY...(fill in with what you wish to say" works. YOU MAY clean your room. YOU MAY do the dishes. Believe me they work. Especially on my 9 year old boy. I hope this will help you in some small way. I know that it isn't over by far for me and my daughter but, I know it can only get better.

Hi, I just need to tell you, when I was 12, my parents didn't understand that I felt different inside, and still treated me like a kid. Of course, you can't reward lying with special privileges, but still...she probably feels all alone, and like you never felt the way she does. How is her performance at school? I started having trouble concentrating around this age, since school kids can be mean, and I'm pretty sure I had some sort of anxiety as well.
This is hard for her as well as you. When you talk to her, it would be good to ask open ended questions to get a dialogue going, as opposed to talking at her. As for searching her bag/room, why are you doing that? Do you have reason not to trust her? My folks did that, and let's just say, it doesn't work. It seems like you can control what they do by controlling what comes in/out of your home, but if there is a real problem, she will find ways to hide whatever it is she wants to. I understand that your plate is FULL with 3 kids, a full time job, and hubby traveling, but this is something you can't fix by controlling your daughter. The answer is a whole lot more difficult than that. If my parents had been consistent, my life would have been better. Please have your daughter doing all the things your husband would, even if you feel like a slave driver. She needs to know that you support your husband, or she will work you to get her way, and behave well for him. Don't stop what your husband started, since it gives you a break (much needed, it seems)
Please talk to your daughter's school and find out how she's performing at school, and I'm wishing you all kinds of luck, because you need to be firm, stand strong, and pray!!!
12 yr old girls are tough, period.
God bless you!

This is the age where that wedge between Mother and Daughter begins. From what I was reading to me what I heard is that she is needing something that shes not getting. When you are having your 'talks' does she get to speak? And do you REALLY listen to what she's saying? Has anything drastic changed in her life? Did you move? Did a friend move? Is she getting bullied at school? I do not agree with using the tactic of defining who she is by what others think of her. That to me is a dangerous game. You don't want her to internalized those things. She needs to be comfortable with who she is no matter what others think of her. She is angry about something and if you can't get through to her maybe she would talk to a therepist. Or an aunt...someone. I hope this helps. Good luck to you!

ok I guess i am gonn adisagree with alot of the people here. This is not normal behaviour and you need to do something more. She needs to see a counselor. Have you considered a skinny girl who doesnt take lunch to school yet you find mounds of hidden food containers in her room could be dealing with an eating disorder. Not eating in front of people and then stuffing her face with sweets yet hiding the evidence is a big red flag for bulimea. THe sudden severe change in behaviour is also not just a 12 year olds fase. Violently attacking her brother and intentionally not turning in work she has done, lying about everything. There is something wrong with your daughter. She needs more help than grounding. HAs someone been able to harm her somehow? I seriosuly think you need to get her into some sort of counseling and probabley counseling as a mother and daughter as well. There is more to this and she needs your help.

J.-
You have your hands full. I would tell your daughter that you love her and really miss the old her. Let her know that if she is having a problem that you would like to hear about it and see if there is someway to resolve it as a family. I'd tell her that you want her to be happy and also she has to realize that there are other people in the family that she is causing problems for and you need to think about them, too. Be open and willing to listen to what ever it is. Then if she doesn't want to talk about it, lay down the law. She needs to know that it is unacceptable behavior and if she wants her priveledges back that she needs to act right. As she improves, she gets something back.
I'd also go to the school and find out if she can talk to the councelor and see if her teachers are noticing any different
behavior and maybe they could offer you suggestions. She is at that age of defiance and the hormones are going crazy with starting the monthly ordeal soon, if not yet, SOON!
Are her friends parents having the same problems? You might ask them and see what they are doing.
Hope it lightens up on you. Girls that age are really self consumed. I wouldn't go thru it again for nothing. We threaten my daughter with setting a tent up each month so the rest of us wouldn't have to put up with her. Good luck!

Is this your bio or step daughter? It sounds a lot like my daughter. She has always had a lying streak in her, but in the 6 months or so it has gotten a lot worse. I am sure for my daughter, part of it was starting junior high. I know this because a lot of major lies are about homework, school work, how things work at school (rules), etc. There are other little lies at home...stupid things like "Ya, I swept the bathroom floor." when I can see cat litter all over it! Or telling me the clothes in the dryer aren't dry yet... knowing I'm going to go check them to make sure before I pay more electricity to dry already dry clothes!!!
You mentioned your daughter doing chores all the time and as long as she stays busy, she stays out of trouble. My daughter has now been grounded for 2 months. The first month, she was grounded to her room and could only come out to use the bathroom, which she had to ask for first (not that we told her no, but if she doesn't ask she will be there every 3 min. becasue it's a way out of the bedroom "without us noticing"), to get a drink, to eat dinner, or to go to school. On the weekends, she got to go to church and do as many chores as she wanted to so she could come out of her room... chores was the only thing that she got to come out for that lasted any length of time. If she slipped up while she was doing a chore... lied, back talked, etc... she was back to her room. While she was in her room, she could do nothing but sit in the middle of it and read her book. Sadly enough, my house has never been as peaceful as that point!!!
My point is this... I believe it's kind of a phase that a lot of kids will go through at this age. There are a lot of changes going on for any girl that age. All you can do is try to curb it the best way you can so it doesn't happen... you can't make her see at this point, why she can't do it. There is no teaching her a lesson, she has to learn it on her own.

She sounds like a normal 12 yo. She's trying to learn how to be independent. This is an essential step in her development and it is difficult for everyone especially when relationships get started in a negative direction. I strongly recommend counseling.

I also recommend books by Foster Kline. His organization has a web site www://loveandlogic.com I think his first book is even entitled Parenting with Love and Logic. I found it to be very helpful along with counseling for my daughter and myself. I was a single parent who adopted an older child.

There are also books with the words Parent Effectiveness Training in the title which helped me to understand why my daughter was acting in her way. Kids act in various ways to get needs met. The book helps to figure out what the need is and then gives suggestions on how to discipline in a manner that also helps both the child and the parent get their needs met.

I love candles. Can't burn them because of a housemates allergies and I miss that. Good luck with the party. And with your daughter too. She will grow up. My daughter is now 26, the single mother of 2 children and has a responsible job. We now get along. When she was 12 I wondered if either of us would survive. :)