10 Year Old Emotional Vampire

Updated on December 20, 2013
J.J. asks from Lancaster, NY
5 answers

My dd has a "friend" Kay who she enjoys playing with one on one. But at school, this girl becomes very possessive and doesn't want my dd to play with anyone else at recess. My dd loves to run around and play with lots of people, but then has to "pay" for it when Kay gets mad and says things like - "Now what am I going to do?", "You don't care about me", "this is the worst day of my life". My dd ALWAYS tells her she can play too, but Kay doesn't like the games my dd plays with others. They are in the same class, so for the rest of the day she has to endure glaring and Kay going out of her way to talk to everyone else but my dd.

I keep telling my dd that if this friendship is too emotionally difficult, then just keep playing with others and eventually Kay will realize that her tactics don't work. Her family has invited my dd for many activities, and we invite Kay too, but whenever there are other kids around, it gets nasty and turns into an emotional rollercoaster. My dd is so sensitive that she internalizes all of it and is having a very hard time.

Break it off or keep trying?

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

I think you need to just keep an open door with your daughter. Were I in your place, I'd try to be patient. Kids need help figuring friendships out, but they need to do it in their own time. A girlfriend and I were just talking about this in regard to our own kids. How do we help our kids see when they are being mistreated or their good, sensitive or caring natures are taken advantage of?
She and both remembered how we had to come to our own conclusions, to struggle internally a bit with what we felt we 'owed' our friend vs. what we felt we owed ourselves. For some kids, this takes a long time.

Last year, a wise woman said that, when it came to our kids and their interactions with other kids, we should try positive phrasing. One example: if a child was afraid of dogs, instead of giving that attention ("Oh, I know, you don't like dogs" or "Why are you so afraid?") we can say "I'm looking forward to the time when you are comfortable around dogs."

"Sweetie, I'm looking forward to the time when you feel comfortable letting Kay take care of her own feelings."

"I'm looking forward to the time when you can play with your friends and enjoy yourself without worrying about Kay."

More positive statements don't put Kay down, and they let your daughter know-- in a few words-- that she has permission to emotionally let herself off the hook with Kay. I would continue to allow your daughter to figure this out on her own, but it's also okay to give her some guidance too. Noticing that Kay falls apart in group settings, you can notice this aloud to your daughter the next time she considers inviting Kay to something; "Kay seems to be more of a one-on-one kind of kid." Encourage her to spend time with friends she enjoys more and let her know that it's okay if friendships fade. People change and she's going to have a lot of friends in her lifetime. And let her know you are looking forward to the time when she doesn't feel so worried about making her friend happy. At some point, it's up to Kay to make Kay happy. :)

7 moms found this helpful
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I.O.

answers from McAllen on

How do you respond to her when she tells you this? Do you get all sympathetic and try to comfort her? If so, change that. When she tells you about this girl, kinda scoff at the notion that someone would do that, and then tell her directly not to get sucked into that. Your reaction will let her know that this is not behavior that she should even entertain, let alone cater to.

5 moms found this helpful

A.C.

answers from Huntington on

Wow, I loved H Loo Loo and Nervy Girl's responses. I see questions similar to yours all the time, it seems that this is a very common issue with girls.

The suggestion I would throw in, and it goes along with the previous suggestions, is matter-of-factly pointing out that Kay is not being a good friend. Good friends do not guilt people into catering to them. Good friends do not glare at their friends when they do not get their way. This teaches your daughter not only how to be a good friend but also that she does not have to be the one that bends, she does not have to be the "fixer".

While this situation is hard to deal with, would it not be wonderful if your daughter can really use this as a learning experience? I am 32 years old and have always been the "peacemaker", the one that bends, trying to please people even at the cost of not standing up for myself. It has actually caused me a lot of problems. I never learned how to stand up for myself. Teach her how to stand up for herself- she can be polite and kind (inviting Kay to play at recess is kind) but she can also stand up for herself and let Kay know that when she glares at her or throws a fuss when she does not get her way, it makes her feel upset. She can firmly tell her that she will not be guilted. You can practice with her until she feels comfortable doing this. It will serve her well in the future.

2 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

I think you would be doing everyone a favor if you would have a talk with the girl. Be kind, but firm. Tell her if it doesn't stop, you'll talk to her mother next. And keep to your word.

J.S.

answers from Chicago on

Last year, when my daughter was 10, we went through similar drama with another girl. It sucked and I couldn't do anything about it other than comfort my daughter, since I worked at the school. I talked to the assistant principal and we had my daughter and the problem girl discuss things with the school sociologist. Things got better between the two, but her mother was pissed at me. Too damn bad. This year, they don't hang out together (thank God) and my daughter couldn't be happier. She loves not having to deal with the drama because problem girl still does this to others.

So, I would inform the teacher and get them into some type of peer mediation. Good luck!

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