Young Adult Pregnant - Can You Make an Argument for Adoption Vs. Parenting?

Why do you have to present an argument for adoption? She is an adult who can make her own decision. A 180 degree change in life isn't always a bad thing. She doesn't have to quit school, and she can learn to adjust her life to be a parent AND do the things she set out to do.

My advice would be to stay out of it.

It's really not for you to argue one way or another. If they want to keep it, then you shouldn't try to talk them out of it.
I was single and working a barely-over-minimum wage job with few benefits when I got pregnant with my daughter. I had no desire to marry her father, and decided to have and raise her. One of my employers actually told me while I was still pregnant, that if I really loved that baby, I would give it up and let it be raised in a real home. I told him it would have a real home - MINE.

Momtothree, it is possible to get pregnant even while taking reaosnable precautions to avoid it.

Adansmama, motherhood is not necessarily something EVERY woman should experience. Not all women WANT to be mothers, and those who don't should not.

I know at the college I went to you could get very affordable childcare on campus if you didn't mind that it was run by the early education center and the people working there were all students. That's something she could look into.

Another thing to consider, if she and the father are going to the same school or nearby schools, is that they could schedule their classes around each other so that one of them could always be with the baby.

Honestly, if she wants the baby, it is not impossible for her to keep it, especially if she has the support of family and friends. There's no reason she has to get married right now, my sister recently married the father of her 4 year old and 3 month old. Commitment is the key, not a piece of paper.

I'm an adoptive parent and also a medical social worker that works with pregnant teens/young women. It is my experience that if a woman is wavering about what to do, she almost always decides to parent vs. make an adoption plan. The one thing that people considering adoption should know is that they can choose adoptive parents that want an open adoption, which can include contact with the child. We have an open adoption and have several visits a year with our child' birth mother.

This woman will know in her heart what she should do and it's doubtful that arguments by others will sway her either way in the end.

I do have to say that no one can really be "very unexpectedly" pregnant if they are sexually active!

If she is very mature, I would simply support her in the decision she makes. I would not make arguments, either way. She is 20, not 14. She is not a child. She should be free to make this decision, without other people pushing her in any specific direction. It seems self serving to me, to do that. This is her life. Her ADULT life. She must make these adult decisions without prodding, but with lots of support.

A change of course, does not have to be devastating. I can't tell you how many ways my life has unexpectedly changes course, throughout the years. All ways, have led to a life that I truly love. Take any of those things away, who knows where I'd be now. Her life will never be the same, no matter what she chooses. I would hate to think she was influenced into her choice.

There are plenty arguments for adoption.
And plenty for keeping the baby and probably some for abortion.
The important thing is that your friend knows ALL of her options and chooses what's best for her.
I don't see what good US giving you arguments for adoption will do. ??
I wish her luck!

I swear this is the only country that I know of that has this culture of taking babies from the young and poor and give them to rich people. There is just something about this that makes me nauseous.
I know, I know...it's the birth mothers choice, and I do not doubt that adoptive parents have the best intentions... it's just that it seems that every other civilized nation makes an effort of supporting young women so they can have a career and raise their child... Whereas here your choice is to be poor and uneducated or give your baby to some rich people...

Does no one else think that there is something wrong with that?

Well, I was 18 when I got pregnant with Oliver. Justin and I had only been together for a year at that point and even though we loved each other we weren't ready for marriage. Well, Oliver turned 2 in October, 2012. Justin and I got married on July, 2012. We are a very happy family and I couldn't imagine giving him up.

I was still in high school when Oliver was born and graduated with straight A's. I took a couple of college classes, but stopped for reasons unrelated to Oliver. I turned 21 in November, 2012 and we are currently TTC for baby number 2! :)

In the end it's HER decision and SHE gets to decide what is best for HER and HER baby. You trying to make an argument for something that it sounds like she doesn't want is just going to piss her off.

Just support her with whatever decision SHE decides to make.

I agree with Sunshine, to be honest. She is obviously weighing the options. She will decide what she wants to do. Her mother may decide to help her for the next two years so that she can finish school. Or her mother may tell her that she isn't willing to do that, and that her daughter has to pay for daycare. By the time she delivers, she should know how much daycare for an infant costs while she's working and/or studying.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is research daycares in her area, those that have openings, and their costs. Medical insurance costs, doctor visit costs, etc, as well, and give them to her. Even if her mother saysshe will watch the baby, it would be helpful to know the cost of care in case her mother might decide she can't do it.

None of this is an argument for adoption. However, they are important things to know. It sounds like this gal is pretty mature. I know women who are 30 years old and acted like I was crazy when I asked them who would take care of the baby when it is sick. They assumed that daycare takes care of sick babies and that they would never have to stay at home from work with a sick baby. Knowing the well visit schedule with doctors is good info too. Sometimes moms-to-be have no idea how often you have to take baby to the doctor.

These are the things she needs to know so that she can think about everything together. Rather than make an argument for adoption, give her info so that she can make her own choice.

Dawn

She's 20 and she can make the decision to make it work and raise the baby or place him/her for adoption. My friend was 19, just started college, and in a bad relationship. They placed their son for adoption for many reasons, including the state of their relationship.

Flip side is my oldest nephew and his GF unexpectedly found that they were expecting and have kept their daughter. They are no longer a couple, but they work very hard to ensure that the girl has both her parents and that they do the things they need to for her. Is it easy? No. Have they putt off plans? Yes. But if a young person is properly motivated (don't forget the dad here, either, he could take custody), then it can work out. Sometimes babies are detours, not derailments.

Whatever she does, it needs to be HER choice - hers and the father's. Then everyone needs to be supportive of their choice for their child.

People make this very strange mental leap;

Baby = quit school.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Lets do the math;

School = 10 hours a week of daycare
Work = 50 hours a week of daycare

School = subsidized daycare
Work = pay for daycare ones self

School = set your own hours / mostly work @ home
Work = set schedules / work outside the home (usually)

School = subsidized family student housing
Working = low income govt. housing, or paying out of pocket at a high rate

School = Financial aid equal or better than most min wage jobs working toward a degree with a living wage attached to it.

School = Women & Fanily Services

School = Skipping class for a tantrum or nap etc NOT getting fired. Just email in your homework.

The list goes on.

I know you asked for an argument about adopting, but it seemed your purpose was so that this young woman can 'finish school'... Which is just a backwards / fallacious argument.

I started college when my son was 2mo old. I can't imagine a BETTER option for a young family, honestly. Its the best of both worlds... 95% SAHP plus all the benefits (and often more) of working.

I can't make any argument, other than if they are on the fence, they should speak to an impartial counselor. This is really only *their* business.

I do not mean this unkindly, I want you to know. (I myself was adopted by my mom's second husband; and one of my sisters placed a child for adoption about 9 years ago or so.) I just feel that she already has enough on her plate without someone trying to talk her into something she may really feel averse to doing. How many women on this site have applauded adoption, but also with the caveat that "I could never give up my own child"?

I do think adoption can be a wonderful thing for everyone involved. However, this couple really need the time and space and respect from their community to come to this decision on it's own. My only argument for adoption would be simply this: it's great when a child is a wanted child. It sounds like this young woman does want her baby. She may end up excelling in many ways, including motherhood.... you really never know! :)

I had my daughter in college. I graduated did quite well for myself. Yes, it not as planned and a little harder, but not impossible. I wouldn't encourage her to get married just because of the baby.

I could also support adoption....ive never adopted out a baby, but my aunt adopted 2 girls so that's a wonderful gift.

There are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of single mothers in the USA alone that are similar age with more kids and more responsibility that would not even think of giving their kids up for adoption.

Some work full time and get child care assistance that pays a huge portion fo their child care bill.

They go to school full time and do not work, they get financial aid and live on campus in married/family student housing with all bills paid or in low income housing.

They get food stamps if they need them, they live from month to month within a budget that is plenty if one does not have to have every pair of shoes they see. They drive older cars and pay their insurance twice per year when they get their financial aid funds.

They go to Vo-Tech type schools and get their nursing degrees in a year instead of 2 so they can start making money. They go to cosmetology school and start making a living within 9 months - 1 year.

They don't even begin to think that because they are only a young adult that they can't raise their kids, even on their own without parents or boyfriend or ANYONE to help them.

So I am slightly taken back by your post. There is NO REASON what so ever for her to "have" to consider adoption. She's an adult who is capable of raising a child if she so chooses to do so. She's not 12. She's an adult.

She is, of course, able to choose to give her child to another family if she chooses to do so but I wonder why she doesn't just ask her parents to take guardianship of her child and let them raise it until she is mentally capable to do so.

There are thousands of support groups for grandparents raising grandchildren and lots and lots of benefits for them too.

I still think that she is capable and old enough to raise this child on her own. The fact that she has supportive family at her side will just make the whole thing super easy.

This happened to my friend at university, except the father wasn't in the picture. She kept her baby, continued on with her two degrees, and is now a high flyer in finance. She also found a lovely man, married him, and had two more children. Just goes to show that having a baby doesn't mean you have to give up everything.

For what it's worth, I'd opt for keeping the baby. I don't think I could bear it to go to adoption.

Whilst I don't know her personally if that were me or anyone I knew personally I'd advocate highly for keeping the baby. It is of course ultimately up to her and the dad to be what they're doing to do. I will say that just because your life takes a different course that doesn't mean it is a negative course. I know for me and my then boyfriend(now husband)it was the best choice for us to make at that age.

Having a child doesn't mean giving up on your dreams. Also, as you age and mature, there's nothing wrong with seeing your dreams change, in relation to taking care of your family.

The chance for success with her relationship? Eh. I am a real advocate of marriage, but marrying for the wrong reason often ends in divorce. I am not a real advocate of divorce. If you can imagine yourself ending up there before you get married, then maybe it's best not to marry.

I am adopted. I am grateful for it every day, but not because my parents were young. My parents were neglectful junkies. Young really has nothing to do with it...I know some tremendous mothers who had their children young. Take a look at the Hispanic culture, for example, when women often marry between 13-16 and begin having children. I have the honor of knowing many, many families who began so young and are still married today, in their 30s, and doing a wonderful job of raising their children.

There are arguments for both sides, but ultimately, the best argument should be based on what these two young people want to do.

i really can't make an argument for adoption, sorry.

she made a mistake and has now put herself into a new situation which she should deal with.

if she is as responsible as you claim - she will be fine.

AND she will get to experience the unbelievable joy of motherhood - which every woman should, at some point in their lives, imo. the timing may not be "ideal" but her own actions led to this point.

it will all work itself out. yes, things will be different. but not necessarily for the worse. if she was a hardworking, responsible college student - she will now be a hardworking, responsible mother. maybe still a college student. maybe not. it's certainly not the end of the world. hang in there mom. she'll be okay, don't worry.

(to Ina, i'm sorry you have that impression - but while it's not "the ghetto" i grew up in rural white midwest, kinda trailer park in some ways- none of us were rich. LOTS of girls got pregnant in hs or right out of hs, and i don't know any of them that gave their babies up. maybe a regional thing?)

ETA: i guess it's obvious my opinion on the matter - but it's really disgusting to me to see people on here touting how she won't have any kind of life if she doesn't GO TO ALL MIGHTY COLLEGE. puh-LEASE. college is NOT for everyone. it does NOT have to be done at age 20. and it CERTAINLY does not make or break your life. that is SUCH a superficial, shallow, ignorant way of thinking. happy people are NOT all college graduates. let's look at the big picture here and have at least a little bit of foresight - happiness is an attitude, a choice - NOT a degree or a paycheck. as mothers we should be hoping and praying for our children to have HAPPY lives, not "SUCCESSFUL" lives. (and by successful i mean what some people think of as successful - "good" job with "big" paycheck) -they are not mutually exclusive.

She is a young woman. Just because she is pregnant, does not mean she has to marry the man. They can co parent.

She needs to weigh her options on her own. She will know in her own heart and brain.. and she has to live with her choice, that is why even though you care very much for her, she needs to do this on her own, UNLESS she asks for your opinion.. Even then,, It is her choice. Her life.

I think Bug said it well - she is an adult. You could help her by gathering information for her for all her options. Maybe give her a gift of a relaxing massage and some paperwork to review afterwards with recommended local ObGyn, pediatrician, adoption info, the "what to expect when you're expecting" and perhaps also the "what to expect the first year" book, etc. And if you love this young woman, let her know you will be there for her no matter what choice she makes.

Adoption is a viable answer for those that have absolutely no opportunity to give the baby a roof over there head, continuous supply of food, a safe environment and A LOT of love and tenderness...........It is also a decision that you have to live with for the rest of your life........If this young lady has not made any decision towards adoption, it is NOT your duty to bring that up as an option.......I don't want to seem harsh but, mind your business..........you are not stating that the baby will be in a dangerous environment........it is entirely up to this young lady to decide what she wants to do........she is 20 not 14..........

Sounds like she made her decision. She sounds like someone who has it together and knows her life will change. Sounds like she has a good family. Hard decision but I think she will keep baby and go on to have a successful life.

I can see both sides. My husband was born to a 20-year-old college student who dropped out of college because of her pregnancy and moved back in with her parents and younger sister, not very happily I might add. Birth father graduated from college and abandoned them. My MIL ultimately graduated from college several years later and while receiving government support. My husband had a very difficult childhood, but is now happy and very successful (with a little residual emotional and psychological baggage). Would he have been better off raised by adoptive parents? I have no idea. His mom fought hard to keep him although ironically has said she probably would have had an abortion had that been legal back then.

My brother and SIL just adopted a newborn baby girl in an open adoption after 9 years of infertility. They are over the moon. The birth mother, divorced, in her 30s, with two children, living with a friend in the friend's house and unable to care for/afford another, is very satisfied with her decision. The first week or two after the birth was difficult for her, but she is in a very good place now, four months later. At least so far this situation is working out the best for baby, birth mom and my family. The birth mom made up her mind when she was four months pregnant and never really waivered or looked back. Factors involved are probably that the birth father was a fling and not a relationship for her and that she already has two children.

It sounds to me like this young adult woman has already made up her mind. If she has any doubts she is probably not in a position to put the baby up for adoption. It is such an individual decision. Best wishes for everyone involved.

I had a college classmate, just like that.
She was very responsible, had a job, lived with Mom, and was smart. She continue college while pregnant, and did well despite morning sickness etc.
She graduated. 4 year degree. Had her daughter and is a good Mom and she has a good career.
But the Dad of her child, was a total jerk. And by the time her daughter was born, she dumped, her boyfriend. Because, he was a jerk. And she knew she would be fine.
She has full custody. Thusly.
And is fine.

When she was pregnant, unexpectedly, she was 20 as well. She was young, smart and driven.
She got a job right after graduation from the university.
I said job. A career job. Not just a minimum wage job.

The decision will be hers and the guy's. Of course you know that. Maybe you had so many dreams for this young lady that will in the very least be delayed. I think maybe what you want is just a realistic picture of what life after a baby looks like. Not a scare tactic but nuts and bolts.

Does she have insurance?
Time off after the birth, maybe before if there are complications.
Will she breast feed, will she need formula?
What will they do for daycare? How much will that cost?
Who will stay home with baby if it gets sick?
How will they split care and time for the baby?
What would ther schedules look like?

I am sure they are thinking about these things. I am not sure any of us had a clear picture of everything involved. We all managed.
I am sure you would like to spare them some of the difficulties they are going to encounter but they have to weigh this and not all the questions are easy to quantify. Making a baby with someone is designed to knit people together. One smile may undo all concerns.

I think adoption is a beautiful option. what a wonderful gift she could give another family.

At 20, she certainly knows about adoption. I think you could ask her if she has considered adoption, and then listen to her answer. If her answer is that she has considered it and decided against it, there is nothing more you can say.

If she has considered it, but then wants to hear your opinion, then you can say more to her. Otherwise, there is only one sentence you can say to her.

It sounds to me like keeping the baby would be a totally viable choice. I became a single mom at 22 and two of my friends also had children the same year at 21 and 20. Yes we all had to dramatically change our lives and it was certainly a challenge, but all of us went on to live normal, stable, successful lives where our children really never wanted for anything important. I chose to do this without my son's father and eventually married someone else and had more children. Both of my friends did end up marrying the fathers of their children and have more children as well. We all graduated from college (I was already out when I became pregnant, my friends were not), have good careers, own our homes, etc. Life definitely changes when you start your family very young, but the plus side is that by the time we'll be 40-ish, our oldest kids will be grown and our younger kids won't be far behind. I have friends who are just starting their families at 35+ and I can't imagine being in that spot now.

At 20, this isn't a young girl. She's a woman and sounds perfectly capable of being a mother. I wouldn't press her to consider adoption unless it's something that she brings up. I know that it was not the right option for me.

I can't quite tell from your post if the girl wants children or not, but I would say if she does (even if it was planned for later), I'd think that keeping the baby should be strongly considered.

Having a baby doesn't mean she has to lose her drive and give up on the job she wants, school, etc. Life can't really be planned. Nothing I wanted really turned out that way, but I am immensely happy. I wouldn't change a thing. I wonder if she may feel the same about this unexpected gift.

Of course if this is something she really doesn't want, adoption is a wonderful option. I do have a friend that did an open adoption and got very close with the family during her pregnancy and remained friends afterward. I also have a friend that did a closed adoption. For both, it is HARD to deliver a baby and hand it over, especially if (even for an instant) you considered keeping the baby. It wasn't even me, and I'm tearing up remembering those days.

Good luck to her.

Studies have found that the biggest factor is whether or a not a woman will be successful in life is if she has a child while not married to the father. No, she should not get married just because she is pregnant. No, having a child right now will not doom her to a life of poverty either. But unless she has a lot of support and childcare to help her finish school and then while she in working, it wont turn out well. If she does have reliable childcare and is able to finish school (she is 20, not 15) then it might be ok. Adoption is fantastic, but also a very hard decision to make.

She is less likely to have the career she wants if she keeps the baby. Her relationship is more likely to fail with this unplanned pregnancy. If/when it does she and the child are way more likely to end up in poverty. An older established couple who desire a child are likely to provide a more solid financial and educational future for a child. Does she want a lifetime relationship with this guy simply because their bc failed? I think I covered most of the salient points. Of course, whether to abort, adopt or keep the pregnancy is her choice. Not mine or yours.

It is not something I would presume to do for someone else... but since you asked, here are some points that I would think are worthy of consideration:

You said maternal grandmother will not be available for childcare help. What about paternal grandmother? Is that an option?
They have been in a 3 yr relationship, is that right? Prior to the pregnancy, did they have plans for the future together, or just their own plans and nothing joint? Were they already drifting apart due to the difference in their ambition?
She is ambitious and he is not. What does that mean exactly in terms of support for the child? CAN he pay support in any meaningful amount? Daycare? Medical?

In almost all cases of voluntary adoption I think the most important thing to look at is what is the most selfless act? Does the fact that allowing the baby to be adopted frees up the mom to pursue her dreams make it selfish instead of selfless? Some people might argue that it would. I would not, as it doesn't sound as if this couple had intentions of getting married and staying that way for the long term at the time the child was conceived. (Correct me if it seems I am wrong... I am just going by my impressions from reading your 3rd party description).
A child remaining with his/her biological parents is not NECESSARILY better off, just because they are with their biological parents, or one of their biological parents. If the home is not filled with love. If the parents view the pregnancy as a burden. If the child turns into a wedge between the mom/dad. If if if if....
However, there are soooo many couples out there that are stable, loving, and long for nothing more than a baby to share their love with, to complete their family, but are unable to conceive, or to maintain a viable pregnancy. In an adoption situation like that, the child would be unlikely to be viewed as unwanted, a burden, or have resentments build between the parents. Rather than a point of conflict or stress, the child would be a ray of light and sunshine, further bonding together a couple longing for a baby and a family right now. Their "one day when I am ready" is RIGHT NOW.

It is very touchy to discuss this, because almost anything could be construed as a jab at someone. A single parent. A divorced parent. Someone who kept their child and got married for that reason. And on and on... My comments, I hope, do not come across as criticizing anyone. Not my intention at all.
Anything can happen. Good or bad. Whether she keeps the child or makes it available for adoption. There is no right or wrong answer.

I do wonder sometimes, however, if easily obtainable abortions have created a backlash against moms who might choose adoption for their babies. That may sound weird... but I know some late teen/early 20 girls, and the feeling I have observed is that it is a moral stain to "give your child away". That it would be better to abort it. And I don't understand that. The same women will vehemently declare that they could "never give their baby away"... yet they contemplate abortion as the alternative "solution". Why is adoption so morally reprehensible to them, and abortion is not?
There is no shame in adoption. It is a selfless thing. And a blessing to the baby, who will be received by his/her adoptive parents with nothing but gratefulness and love.

It sounds like they are two adults who are about to have a baby. Long gone are the days of others making decisions for an expectant mother.

You say she is "extremely responsible" . Where was the extreme responsiblity when it came to birth control?

If she keeps the baby as it sounds she is going to be going it alone. Mom is not to be counted on as she is in the process of a divorce and not thinking about being grandma or babysistter.

The young woman will have to weight all of her options and be happy with the one she chooses for the rest of her life. She also should not depend on the father for the future even though he is there now. What about 10 to 15 years down the road? Things change and people grow up and away from each other.

Right now she will need a plan of action and follow it so that she can achieve her planned goals. It may take her a bit longer to do them because of baby but she will succeed. In fact the baby may be a way to push her to succeed.

Adoption is great but for the right reasons. She is 20 and not 14 or 16. My son's mother was a senior in high school and so was dad. Whether she was pressured into giving up the baby I will never know but I suspect such. I suspect because son has an obsession that everyone must be a friend because mom was shuned. My daughter biological does not have that feeling and is happy be a loner.

Both children have been told that they were wanted and that they have papers and it makes them special. Son is papered because of adoption. Daughter is papered because she was born out of country and made an American.

The only thing I can think of that you might suggest to the new mother to be is to get counseling. If she decides to adopt out or keep she will need to understand the mental affects. My daugher in law's sister just gave birth and adopted out (open adoption) and is having emotional issues with depression so think about that for her.

As to InaG: Not everyone is poor that adopts out a baby. Some middle class and lower income people adopt babies it's on a financial sliding scale and end in success. When we adopted our son we were not weathly just a newly married couple of two years and dad being military and me working and no kids at the time with a new home. Have you not seen the new ads for adoption? You don't have to be rich and have a mansion to adopt just have the open heart and love.

I will get off my soapbox now.

the other S.

PS Son is 40 this year and daughter will be 36 next month.

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

It sounds like an ideal of a situation u could have for an unplanned pregnancy. I think she would regret giving her baby away it's just a Matthew of a few years. She should be able to get her degree if she applies herself enough plenty of mothers have done it. I know a story of a lady that got pregnant unplanned and she was so worried about sending money back to Italy and keeping her job. She had an abortion and was never able to have children again. Most times there is no right time for life. Life doesn't work that way it doesn't make itself convenient for us. But when it happens it happens and there is no planning for later we don't know if later will ever come we only have today and that new life is part of her life today therefore that life from here on is part of her journey and they can do it together.

I wouldn't suggest putting a child up for adoption, because later on down the road the girl might be sorry she didn't keep her baby and blame you for convincing her to. I know a lot of happily adoptive parent and children, but like you said, it needs to be her decision. If she does ask for advice, you could sit down and help her brain storm on the pros and cons of keeping the baby and putting the baby up for adoption. This way you remain neutral. Yes, her life will definately change in a realy big way; but maybe that is what she really need in order to grow.

Extremely responsible you wrote and now she is pregnant. Not very responsible if you ask me. Adoption would not be an option if that were my child, she knew exactly the consequences of having sex and now they have to learn to live with that. Give her postive encouragment, that's what young adults need today in this society. Take responsibilty for their actions.

College is EXTREMELY impotrtant,if she doesnt finish she wont get a very decent job,my friends daughter dropped college to take care of her son and she has no life.If this girl wants a life she should give the baby for adoption.I can't believe so many women are dropping college to take care of a baby.Is the boyfriend leaving her?I know she wants the child but she should make the smart decision!

She and the father should think about the baby's future and decide from there whether they should parent or let someone else parent. Adoption is the best gift you can give your child when you aren't ready for whatever reason to parent. She can also choose an open adoption and be able to visit, get letters/pictures, send presents, cards, etc. do playdates etc. Or a closed one if thats better for them. But she has to take herself and her b/f out of the picture and consider the baby. Will this baby have everything she would love to give him/her? Is she ready to pospone her college and go through pregnancy, delivery etc? What does her heart tell her to do?

I also want to say that I am not saying that its better to do adoption. I think if she is meant to parent and is able to, she should parent the baby even though her circumstances could be postponed etc.