Would You Put Your Child in Pre-school If They Didn't Really Want to Go??

He will probably cry... and then he will stop and have fun!

To me it sounds a lot like his fears are normal for kids who have never attended care outside the home AND they might be exacerbated by the impending arrival of a new sibling.

I would actually insist that he attends for at least a month before giving up.
Good luck!

No. The most enriching place for a three year old is with Mom. Why rush him. Arrange some play dates, and wait until next year.

The choice to put one's child in pre school is 100% up to mom! Sending him or not sending him-there is no wrong answer. But you are in charge. Decide what is best and do it! Never "not" do something because a child may cry. If you feel he should go, allow him the adjustment and support him. He will adjust. He doesn't know what's ahead, his fears are of the unknown. Or keep him home if YOU feel he doesn't need it, but not because you're afraid of what he may or may not do.

Yes, take him. It's natural for him to get cold feet but I guarantee you that he will enjoy it very much (obviously barring there are no problems like mean teachers, etc). Just give him a quick hug and a kiss and tell him you will be back in a little while and then go...don't linger even if he's crying. Believe me, I've worked with a lot of preschoolers and it makes it harder when the parents try to stay and console. If he's upset, let his teacher comfort him, it will help him start to trust and love her more more quickly. He'll do fine, don't worry!

It will be hared the first couple of weeks but if you take him in, tell him you love him and will see him later then leave he will adjust very soon. I would take him and try very hard to make it work. It is the most natural thing in the world for him to have some separation anxiety right now.

Just wait until he finds a favorite toy or makes a best friend. Then he won't even wait until you are in the classroom to run off to join in.

I only just saw this question now, and I have not read all of the responses, so forgive me if I am repeating anything. I would like to share what happened to my SIL when she opted out of having her older son go to preschool:

SIL did not do preschool with her then 4-year-old son because she did not feel it was necessary. She was a SAHM and her son was very clingy and shy - she had not done much in the way of socializing and often was concerned about how "clingy" he was. She thought this would make it too difficult for him to go to preschool and she also believed she could teach him "every thing he needs" herself at home. Problem was, she wasn't teaching him anything. Not saying that you are doing this, but she basically let him watch TV all day long. And did not have him in any other activities that got him around other kids. She thought preschool was just about learning to count and learning their ABCs and she thought she could just do that herself just as well.

What she did not understand was how important pre-school was for getting ready for kindergarten. Her son had never been away from her for any significant length of time. He had never been expected to follow directions or listen to an adult authority figure beside his parents. He did not know how to play or make friends with other kids he didn't know. Preschool is so much more than ABCs and 123s - it's interacting with other kids, and learning to get along in a group (sharing, taking turns, etc.) and getting used to being away from Mom for a while, knowing that she will come back. As much as we want to be everything and teach everything to our children, there are some things that they can only learn from being around other children.

So fast-forward 1 year - now SIL's son is 5 (granted, a young 5 - his b-day is August and the cut-off is Sept. 1). Mom is still nervous about how clingy he is and has no idea how to prepare him for kindergarten - she does nothing to help him get used to the idea (visit the school, meet the teacher, etc.). IT WAS A NIGHTMARE! She drove him to school and she could not get him out of the car. She had to drag him kicking and screaming into the school and then he would run back after her when she went to her car, crying that he wanted to come home. He needed the teacher or one of the other staff members to meet them in front of the school every morning to walk him into the building just so Mom could leave. This went on for 2 MONTHS. The kindergarten program was just half a day, but after a month or so, the teacher was recommending a full day for him because according to my SIL he "was not on par with the other kids." Then after a year of full-day kindergarten, they made the determination that he was still not ready for first grade and they advised he repeat kindergarten and do another year of the full-day program (which I know happens to lot of kids, and my SIL did agree to it.)

Now I am not saying that a year of pre-school when he was 4 would have made all the difference, but I have to think it would have made life so much easier once kindergarten rolled around. Kindergarten these days is so much more academic than when we were kids, and there's more that they are expected to know and learn, that 4-year-old preschool is practially a requirement if they are going to be ready for the next step.

Lots of kids are initially a little scared of new situations and going outside their "comfort zone" but sometimes they really need a gentle push into the deep end of the pool to help them get over their fears. Many kids will cry initially when they are left, but most will stop within 5 minutes of you leaving. They need the chance to grow and discover what they are capable of. And, as one parent once said to me, there are certain things that kids need to learn that you can't teach them - they can only learn them from other kids.

Good luck, I hope this helps! :)

Don't push it. Personally, I wouldn't put my kids in school if my life depended on it. I was homeschooled all the way til I graduated high school. Since he has siblings, don't worry about social interaction. The best social interaction comes from parents and siblings anyway at this age. A child should never be pushed into school until he/she is ready and most kids aren't actually physically, much less mentally, ready until 9 or 10 years of age. I think the system is to blame for much of our 'dumbness' (hate to use that kind of word) in this society. Our kids actually learn faster by waiting to start 1st grade about age 9. Up to that point the best learning for them is the outdoors with mom or dad.

Hey R.,

Seems totally normal to me. I'm surprised you didn't go through that with his sister! Having taught at a preschool, I'd say most kids are scared at first, but they get a lot out of it if it's a good program. Especially w/another on the way, I think it'd be great for him to have some time in an environment designed just for kids his age. You will probably see some tears at first though, so you have to be ready for that/comfortable with it. If you do go for it, make the goodbye as short and upbeat as possible. The longer you take, the more worked up they get, the harder it is for them to calm down and explore after you leave! Also, if you don't go through this this year, you will probably still have to for K. :)

Good luck with it and the new babe!

I think I would send him. It is really important for him to learn how to make friends at this age and become use to a school setting. If you pull him out now he will learn not to persavere and that if he throws a fit he will get his way.

School, starting in K, is really academic. Preschools have academics but also allow play. It will be important for him to experience that school can be fun as he learns and gets used to a structured day. To be honest, as much as you see him upset, this is probably more tramatic for you.

It usually takes 6 to 8 weeks for children to become use to their new grade and teacher. Give him this chance by allowing him to know that this is an important new stage in his life.

Good luck.

My oldest daughter spent her first and most of her 2nd year in daycare. Then I quit work when I had pnemonia and was 7 months pregnant with my 2nd daughter. After I healed, I started my own in home daycare instead of going back to work. The next couple of years she was so shy it was unreal. Her birthday is in December. So she was really just a few months shy of 6 when she started school. I worried the whole time she would hate it. But when the time came she was just fine and all the worrying was for nothing.

Last year I had a little girl in preschool. She liked it. But she was tired every single day and in morning preschool. She would fall asleep when I was taking her to school. In our school district, the spots are saved ONLY for children that test deficient in some area because there is no room for normally healthy and developed children. The only thing is, I had no idea what was supposedly deficient with this child. I spent 12 hour days with her minus the 3 hours in school. She was smart and well behaved and not at all shy. I hated the way she became more tired and more disgruntled as the year went on. I wanted her mom to pull her from preschool and allow her to just be a little girl a little while longer. She refused saying she may as well get used to it now.

Most parents are so afraid their child won't be smart enough before they start school. Even school districts that want kids to know so much before going, don't have a way to enforce that and the teachers have no choice but to slow the whole class down to help the ones that don't know anything much yet. So what's the point in letting your child go too far ahead? They really will be bored. My oldest certain was and many of my daycare children have been bored when their teacher wasn't creative enough to keep up with them while dealing with those behind.

My opinion is that he'll adjust even better when he is a little older. It also sounds like he has some aprehension about the new baby. I think you should let him stay home and become acustom to having a new baby in the house. When he sees how well you are getting a long and you make a big deal about how big he his, he'll be ready to go the next year.

My son when he was three and then four didn't want to go to school but we sent him and it turned out to be excellent, brought him out of his shell abit and he loved it, some days when we went to pick him up he didn't want to go home.

I'm one of those that thinks it's cruel to not do preschool at least by 4 because if you are planning to do K in a school then he will go from being with you 24/7 to being away 5 days a week for 7-8 hrs. a day - not an easy asjustment I would think. So unless you are planning to homeschool or do a private half day K then I would definitely send him to prek this year so he starts adjusting. My son was HORRIBLE (the teachers literally had to pry him from me EVERY day) for about two months (he only went two days a week) but then one day something changed and he LOVED going, asked to go on his days off and now he is anxiously awaiting the start of it this year. I did have doubts (because this was when he was 3 and not 4) that it was the right decision but everyday when I picked him up he was REALLY happy and excited to tell me all he did during the day and I felt it was right for him socially to get that experience. So yes it was a HARD adjustment but one I am glad I eased him into now instead of waiting until K to do it full time. Good luck with whatever you decide and it WILL work out!

It sounds like he is a little nervous about it-he may cry when you take him, but he wont be the only pre-schooler who has cried on his first day. I think he will like it once he gets over his anxiousness and will be fine-esp for 3 hours a day, I was a shy kids and I made friends just fine-he'll do great.

I thnk the key is when you said "the new baby that's coming soon". He sounds like he is feeling the uncertain with all the changes coming. I would put him in school and adpot a wait and see attitude. Inlist your daughter to play up how much fun school is and give him tim e to get used to it. 15 hrs a week isn't too much time to ask for a 4 yr old to be away from mom and it would be a good opprotunity for him to socialize with his peers

It sounds like he is starting to lose the sense of being the baby. With you pregnant and about to bring home a new addition, he's going to play this card and you are probably feeling a little guilty that he is not going to have all the attention he currently receives. I personally think pre-school will give him a chance to make friends outside the home and not be so focused on what he is 'losing'. Make it a positive situation and always sit down with him for at least 30 minutes after he gets home and LISTEN to what happened in his day. Make him the focus and see how he grows to love his new found independence.

If he doesn't love it in a few weeks... you always have the option to take him out.

GL!

I agree with most of the posts - your son would benefit greatly from going to preschool and it should be YOU and not him that makes that decision. I disagree on the idea that if he doesn't adjust after a few weeks, you take him out of preschool. I didn't see anyone address the precedent you might start if he is allowed to choose to go to school or not. True, it is not required for him to go to preschool, and maybe not even Kindergarten (not sure about the law) but he is required to go to school in First Grade or you will have to home school him. If you allow him to make the decision about going or allow him to quit if he doesn't like it, that would send the wrong message about the importance of school. Even if you allow him to miss a lot of days because he just doesn't want to go on a certain day, then that may cause problems later.

We did the same thing with my daughter, not so much for the schoolwork, because like your son, she loves to read and is so smart. We did it for the interaction and to get used to being around other kids that she will probably be going to Kindergarten with. She had soooooo much fun! She really isn't that shy, but my son was, and Pre-K helped him so much before he went into Kindergarten. They do learn in there, but it's more to help them learn friendships and help to learn how to play with other kids besides their siblings. I'm sure the anxiety is because it is getting so close and because he is smart, maybe he's worried about you being yourself. You'd be amazed what kids think about. Teachers are ready for these kinds of situations and maybe you can call up there and have them ready for it and maybe have another child that's been there before ready to show him around. We also read lots of books on going to school and that seemed to help as well. Good luck and I hope it all goes well!

I would give it a try. Since he hasn't started preschool yet, he doesn't know how it will be. Right now, all he knows is that life is good and that he doesn't really want anything different.
You mentioned that he is very shy, which in my opinion is even more reason that you should at least try. My son had one boy in his class who was very shy and cried every day for the first few weeks. But by the end of the preschool year he had made some friends and he had gained so much confidence and independence. I'm sure the preschool year will make his start in kindergarten a lot easier. But it took more than just a week to get him comfortable in the class.
In case it doesn't work out you could maybe try a preschool that offers reduced hours. My son went only 3 x per week for 2.5 hours.
Hope this helps.

Yes, I would take him. He does need the social interaction, and he also needs to get used to a classroom setting. He will have to learn how to walk in line with his class, and how to sit & be quiet & listen to the teacher, etc. They learn more in preschool / pre-k than ABC's & 123's :)

You should let him try. He's nervous and he's never been apart from you. Things are going on at the house (with brother and coming baby) and for the first time he won't be apart of it. He hasn't had the experience of getting to go to school yet, so he has no idea how to compare and contrast. He just knows he won't be with you but has no real idea what he WILL be doing. Odds are he will come to love it. Yep, he might cry when you drop him off and maybe a little while he is there. He might do it for a couple of days. Give YOURSELF a set ammount of time for him to adjust. I would say about 3 weeks. Start a line of communication with the teacher so she can give you an idea of where he does really well and where is insecure. If at the end of the preset time he is still struggling reconsider your options. Are there other ways to socialize him? Are there ways to teach him skills at home? What skills is the teacher trying to give him before he starts kindergarten? Then decide what's best for him. The only right answer is the one that's right for YOUR son and YOUR family.

L.

I think I'm in the minority here, but I don't see why we are in such a rush to put our little ones in school. Although I do agree with, at least, one poster who suggested some of his anxiety may be due to the new baby that's coming. My opinion is that all children learn differently. If you are willing to help him continue his education for the next year, then keep him at home. Education does not have to mean sitting at a desk and doing paperwork or have a teach talk to you. It can be going to museums, botanical gardens, playdates, even your own backyard. You could even have one or two days a week that are "school days" at home. Have activities similar to preschool classwork for him to work on. Put him at a designated place that is his desk and let him do his class work while you prepare lunch or fold some laundry. He will have years and years of structured school ahead of him, let him be a little boy while he still can!

yes , take him, he will get used to is and warm up to the other kids and his teacher and he will be fine.
Do not let him manipulate you on this or it will become a trend.
What happens when he starts elementary school and decides he does not want to go?
Many kids cry for the first week or two at drop off and most stop with in the first 10 mins , some even as soon as mom is out of sight.

My daughter is so shy...if it was up to her she'd never go to school.

It will be good for him to socialize...I say send him, even if he does cry. (My daughter cried but soon she made a friend and loved preschool.)

He is just a little scared, but he has to learn how to overcome his fears.

I think that preschool is very important, especially for stay-at-home kids. Its best to get the bumps out of the road that year than kindergarden (just my opinion).
You need to consider though that it will be quite a change for him. My son wants to go to school so bad (but then again he wants to do everything sister does), but when it comes to it I don't think he is ready.
If you think he is ready, then you should send him. Just be there to support and encourage him along the way. He might cry a few times, but its a big change for him. He needs time to adjust. I definitely think you should send him though, you don't want his fears to get in his way. You just have to work through them.
P.S. I don't mean to sound brass, but we all think our kids are smart and don't really "need" preschool, but its best to at least have him tested. Preschool isn't about how smart they are, its about introducing learning to your child. The smarter he is the more he needs it, I think because he will get plenty of opportunities to put his little mind to work.

Send him. It's NORMAL first day jitters. If you were asking this after about 4 months of non stop crying and not wanting to go, my answer would be different, but this is just a fear of the unknown, change is scary, etc. He needs to go for at least 3-4 weeks and learn what school really is all about and make new friends and get used to the going on's and he'll love it (and so will you, esp once baby gets here!)

Besides, if you give in and don't send him this year, he's going to beg to stay home from kindergarten / 1st grade. Don't set yourself up for bigger problems. YOU are the mom and get to decide, not him.

I'll tell you what I've told ALL my friends that have had this problem. Send him and let him cry (it's so normal). Give is several weeks (I'd say 3-4). If he is hating it and doesn't want to go at that point, pull him out. The crying is not going to hurt him and keeping him home will not solve anything! I bet you he will adjust much quicker and better than both of you imagine

Of course right now he doesn't want to go. It's all new and different to him. Change is scary, but giving in to his fears will not be good for him.

Also, I think being smart is a good reason to go to preschool, not to stay home! At 4 he is going to get bored at home. These days preschool is very important for preparing for kindergarten. If he's a bit shy, it is probably more important because it will help him socially when he is still in a relativly small environment. Can you imagine going from home into the big world of kindergarten (and full days at that!)?

I know this all sounds harsh, but as his mom you have to help him work through his fears. Also, one last word of advise. DON'T linger when you drop him off. Get him situated quickly, give him his kisses goodbye and GO. The longer you hang around the harder it will be for him, you and the teacher. Trust me, he will be much better once you are out of sight.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

That is alot of time away from Mommy for a little guy who tends to be shy. I would think a playdate here and there or Sunday school would be plenty of social interaction for him. Especially since he has siblings. If it's not something you "have" to do I'd skip it. Why stress him out? He'll have plenty of time to go to school later. And how sweet that he actually wants to be with you and baby.

Yes. My DS is 4 this year and extremely intelligent. Last year, I thought that the only reason I needed him in a preschool was to continue to improve his academics (he is extremely advanced in some areas... see some of my questions for more info here). However, he is very shy.

We started him last year 2 days a week 3 hours or so a day. It was horrible for the first MONTH. He cried every time we left. Said he didn't want to go on school mornings. But he was always fine when we picked him up. Interaction wise, though, he didn't do a whole lot with the other kids. It has literally taken him the past year to get to the point that he's interacting with the other kids socially.

I realize now, with my son even more advanced academically, that the most improtant thing for him then and now was the social integration. They NEED that socialization. They have to understand how to interact with other kids and preschool is such a fun atmosphere to do it in. Now,my son was an only child until last year, so your son has that on him in terms of socialization, but still...

BTW, we will be attending a new school this fall, and my 4 year old DS is kicking to go! He's begging me to take him there now! Your sweet boy is just nervous now that it has come time to step up. Help him through the transition. And know that it may be hard if he is truly shy, but you are doing the best thing for him. BTW, one other stat... 90% of children that attended preschool graduate high school. 50% of those that didn't have some form of AT LEAST mom's day out (read some kind of early socialization with peers of his age) did not graduate high school. Socialization is key at this age.

I would put him in school. My middle child would of preferred to stay home with me. I love hanging out with my kids but the kids need some social interaction. Plus he doesnt want to lag behind the other students when he reaches kindgarten.
I would drop him off and not make a big deal about it. Even if he cries he is most likely doing it for attention.
You could mention this to the teacher and ask if you could one hour after he is there. Hang in there.

I think it's completely natural for your son to be scared about going to school. Yes, I think at 4 years old he should go. He needs to spend time away from you and learn that you will come back. Keep encouraging him and telling him it will be fun. You might download the Imagination Movers song "First Day of School" It's great and says everything he's feeling. Make sure to put something fun in his lunch (if he's eating lunch there), or go have lunch with him if that is an option. My son had a child in kindergarten that cried TERRIBLY EVERY DAY for the first few months of school. I wouldn't want that! 3 hours every day is a nice transition time. I'm sure he's just scared of the new experience and he doesn't want to miss all the fun things you'll be doing at home.

Simply said: He'll be fine and you'll be fine.

It's going to be hard at first, and yes, he (and you) may cry the first day, first week, but that's part of growing up is letting go. Sounds like he needs socialization and to make some friends. Go for it! It can't hurt him, only help him.

My take would be there's a lot going on at home and that's caused the sudden change of mind. If there is a way to do a trial basis, maybe two weeks to a month, that might be nice. Or maybe find an option for three days a week instead of five?

I'd be careful about just canceling everything. I've had a friend who did that and the next year her daughter lobbied to also cancel kindergarten! It was a very rough start because she thought she could choose to not do it, like preschool.

After getting his feet wet, my guess is your son will love it. He's just a little shy about change right now because there's so much already going on.

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

Send him to preschool. I wouldn't talk about it too much so that he isn't constantly being reminded about it. Take him the first morning and send along a comfort object if the school allows it, kiss him and tell him you will be back and then leave. He may cry for you and it will be hard, but just keep on going and don't look back. The teachers go through this every year and are experienced enough to know how to handle the situation. After a few days, I'm sure he will enjoy his new school and he needs the seperation and social situations to be ready for K. Better to go through this now than when he begins K. Good luck!

Another consideration might be that his time in preschool will allow him to grow in new independent directions. This will be important, since you will have a new baby to take much of your time (he will not be used to sharing you like that). How nice it would be for him to go to school in the morning, and then have you to himself during the baby's afternoon nap. He will also begin to have more play dates, and develop his own interests outside of the home. This is a very important developmental step. Obviously, a four year old can't appreciate these benefits of preschool - but Mama can! This time would benefit your son, and allow you special one on one time with your baby (and of course, any precious nap you might be able to catch before everyone is home!). Enjoy the benefits (given this is a safe and wonderful preschool) everyone will experience by your little man going off to school for three hours!

It's always hard for the child the first time he goes to preschool/school... it was for mine. He had a difficult couple of days, and then he loved it! Also, he will be going through the same thing whenever he starts kindergarten, so it might be better that he has this extra year of socialization if he will be experiencing separation anxiety at some point anyways.

Your son is anxious, and that's understandable. But, I think it is sometimes important to help them move past their fears and try new things. I would suggest giving it a trial of at least 2 weeks. If he still doesn't want to go, then you can keep him home ... at that point, it won't be fear of the unknown driving the decision. Bottomline is that I don't think kids need to go to preschool, but, I wouldn't want fear of the unknown to be the main factor determining whether or not he goes.

YES. You are in charge. He doesn't get to make decisions. He may cry. He may cry even if you wait till next year. You may cry when he runs off to play with his friends without giving you a 2nd thought. But whatever, that's part of life. If you think it's best, then it will just be a growth experience for him. Once he gets there, he will love it. Who doesn't love storytime, new toys and new friends to play with, and new school supplies/clothes.

I would not make him if he does not really want to go, it's not manditory. My son now 23 did not want to go to preschool my other 2 did, and he did just fine starting kindergarden. J.