Would You Hold Your Kid Back a Year in School to Be with His Friends?

Sorry, but that's ridiculous. You never know if the other family will move. Or if her family will move. Or if the kids will end up not wanting to be friends later. Short-sighted and too myopic of this mother...

Are you saying he has no friends in his class/grade? If that's the case, these boys need professional help. Friends are made based on common interests and compatible personalities. By the time children are in fifth grade a difference in age is rarely significant when it comes to making friends.

Also, rarely does any child keep all of the same friends all the way through school. Are these mom's saying that their children have had only these friends for the past 5 years? If that's the case, they and/or their children have serious mental/psychological issues.

I suggest that you/us do not have the whole story.

Not in a million years! I get there are parents out there that think the world should bend to their needs but this is beyond entitlement.

No and that would not be allowed in our district.

Anyone being held back is held back for academic purposes not to stay with friends.

Shame on a parent who would actually consider this for the simple reason of staying with a group of friends. Children grow, evolve and get new experiences each year which enables them to grow academically and emotionally.

well, no. but i didn't send my kids to school for the friendships, i sent 'em to get eddicated.
and when that wasn't happening to my satisfaction, i pulled them out despite it meaning that they didn't get to hang out with some of their friends any more.
we all know the middle school transition is one of the most difficult. but avoiding it doesn't help. unless a child has significant disorders or delays or something, they'll make new friends. and the nice thing about taking my kids out of artificially age-segregated peer groups is that their friends no longer conformed to that one rather silly demographic.
it sounds bizarre to me to do that to your kid for that nebulous reason.
khairete
S.

Something about this question sounds way off, especially the fact that it is TWO moms. Either this situation is fictional or the moms are hiding something about their kids--maybe they are not doing well academically, socially, emotionally, etc. or they want them to be ahead of the pack athletically. No one is this stupid and I cannot believe this school district would allow such a thing.

In California most if not all schools will not allow the parents to decide this in Kindergarten let alone 5th grade. There has to be a very valid reason and even with a good reason, most school push them forward even if they are struggling.

Maybe your friends are not willing to admit their children are failing 5th grade and making it sound like 'It's not my child who is smart, rather me the parent giving him an extra year of learning."

I have heard of parents planning to do this in 8th grade for sports. I am not sure if they did the red shirt, but I was speechless. They thought if the child was an extra year older in high school it would better his chances of getting a scholarship.

Is this a real question? If so, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Not just because it's educationally unnecessary, but mostly because the chance of these kids remaining friends with their school friends for the long term is unlikely. So stupid. So no, I would never consider this and would question the sanity of anyone I know who would consider it for their kids.

No.
This is no reason to repeat a year.
Friends come and go.
He'll be leaving friends at regular intervals through out life.
He'll learn to make new friends.

Um, no.

First, it's not the end of the world not to be in the same grade as your friends... School only lasts until 3:30, with several months of vacation/weekends/snow days, what have you. There is NO reason to hold back a kiddo spend more time with friends.

Second, it sets a horrible precedent. It's telling your kid that the social aspect of school is more important than the academic... That'll translate well when they start looking at college. :/

Third, speaking from experience, it is NOT that big of a deal in jr high/high school to be a grade up or a grade down from your friends. I have always been one of the youngest in my grade, and most of my friends were he same age, but a grade lower. We managed to still have several classes together. Some years we had lunch together, some we didn't. There were plenty of extracurricular activities to pick from that we could be in together.

And last, the teachers and school officials are the ones who see these kids in the school setting, and have a better idea of what the kids are actually like, and whether or not they are not mature enough to proceed to the next grade.

Absolutely not. I had friends in the grade below mine as well as my own, it made no difference to my friendships. We ended up going to different schools from middle school through high school. We still talked, went to movies, had sleepover, etc.

The only thing accomplished in leaving the boys back a year is very bored (i.e. trouble making) kids. Later on, they will have to explain why they didn't stay with the rest of their class, through middle school, high school, and possibly the first years of college. Those are very tough years for being singled out as 'less'. I can't see any gain to be had.

Never in a million years! For friends not academic struggles?? These mothers need to support their children and let them grow up. Maybe they can be 19 or 20 when they graduate if they don't drop out because of boredom first.

No way. I would tell my kid, you will see your friends next year when they start middle school. You can have them over to play on weekends. And you should focus on making some new friends this year. That is completely nutty that those moms are doing that. Unless a child has to repeat the grade because they flunked out, I would never do this.

No way!!! This is such a bad idea for so many reasons!

Regardless of what they are told I believe there is a good chance they will feel stupid or think that there is something wrong with them that they needed to repeat.

No, I would not hold my child back in 5th grade just to be with friends. What a horrible, no-confidence move. They will carry a burden with them, that they weren't 'smart enough' to be ready for middle school when all of their peers are moving on. No, absolutely not.

No way. I would try to take into account what the trained educators were telling me about this. The kids will get bored in school. Academics should take priority here. They could make new friends and they can still hang out with the old friends outside of school. This is just a bad, bad idea.

That is seriously crazy. They will likely be bored repeating and that certainly may lead to behavior issues in school. Aside from the wasted year.

NO.. in the same way that in my case, my son IS the youngest but we still had him attend kinder...which until 5th grade, he was ALWAYS the youngest.. I just think that if academically a child is scheduled to move forward and is doing well in school, then do move them forward.. Children adapt and can make friends along the way.. It might seem uncomfortable at first, but ok what if you keep your son behind simply because his friends are younger and in a lower grade.. what IF those same kids move or something else.. you never know what life will throw your way. I don't think it's good to make decisions based on things for which you truly have no control over.. which in this case, you d be holding your son back with the assumption that ALL things will remain constant... such as the younger kids will remain at the same school..... the school will remain open, what IF YOU and your family need to make a change.. a job move, or some other situation occurs that is unforeseen and now.......... you must move... and not only will your son be in a lower grade but he will also have to make new friends regardless... bottomline.. if your son is suppose to graduate to the next grade, I would have him do it..
he can associate with the other kids after school.. academics first.. social play after school... I definitely would not follow what those other friends are doing... I tend to wonder IF it's really the parents who are having a hard time parting ways or the kids. kids are resilient.. if parents start dumbing that down.... kids will never learn that they must adapt to the world and not expect the world to adapt to them... holding kids back to hang with other friends is teaching the kids that the world is going to adapt to them.. in this case, the parents.. don't do it...

good luck

It makes me wonder if the problem lies with the mothers. Sometimes adults don't get over a childhood stressful or difficult situation (it might be moving away from a friend, or having one's parents split up) and they let it influence their kids' lives in a negative way.

Maybe the moms aren't ready for their kids to be in middle school and are fearful that their kids won't make friends because maybe the moms had troubles making friends?

Maybe the moms are just saving face because their kid is not developmentally ready to move forward. The story seems off.

Absolutely not. Should a kid ever repeat a grade? Sometimes, usually for academic reasons especially at this age. I can see a kid repeating kindergarten for social/emotional maturity reasons, but these 2 kids you are talking about did not face that issue in kindergarten or even first grade. Now in 5th grade, it has suddenly come up?

This philosophy is completely screwed up, saying that school is entirely about social relationships and not about academic responsibilities. The school is opposed to it. Kids need to learn to do what's required, not blow off responsibilities in order to be with pals.

There are a million things that could go wrong here, from the friendships ending and the older kids feeling their time is not wasted, to the younger children having it thrown in their faces ("Hey, I skipped 6th grade for you, punk.") It helps no one. The parents are severely screwed up in not making school about school. The kids who "aren't ready" need to be gotten ready by their parents, and they need to do stuff that's just a little bit difficult, like walking into a 6th grade classroom and making it work.

If this is really true, that's insane.

Well, it IS too bad that often kids are yanked out of childhood prematurely by entering middle school.

But, I would not hold my child back because of this or to keep him with his friends. I especially would not do it if the school officials recommend against it. Plus, I don't think I would be allowed to do it here.

The kids will probably be fine, it's not the worst thing in the world, but no, I wouldn't do it. Boys are usually less mature and I can easily envision many boys easily repeating a grade without much detriment.

However, I do think that kids should be held back for not mastering key curricula. I have seen too many kids falling farther and farther behind due to the snowball effect of not mastering basic concepts before advancing.

No, terrible idea really. Kids who are not going to be challenged because they've already done the curriculum and passed are likely to get in trouble in school. It's up the parents to socialize their kids outside of school.

The parents' anxiety about middle school is something that they need to get over. Everyone's kids in that district go to middle school in sixth grade. If they stay back, once they get to middle school the following year, the kids they knew in elementary will likely tease them for being held back..

When these boys are turning 16 and still freshmen in HS, they won't like it. Also, they'll be starting to drive and their friends won't, and likely their freshman friends won't be allowed to be driven around by a 16 year old, so how much will they socialize? When they are juniors turning 18, able to vote and other things, they will feel even more separated from their peer group. The 16 year olds who are juniors may seem very immature to them, and not able to attend R rated movies and other things that a legal adult will be able to do socially.

Also, the parents need to look ahead. Colleges won't be impressed with repeating a grade, and parents don't get to explain to admissions officers that they were feeling nervous about their kids going to middle school so they kept them for no reason related to academic performance.

This is a case where a parent should not be allowed to make a decision.

I think having any child repeat a grade is absolutely the most horrible thing they can do. I have seen it over and over and over where kids just never adapt and the statistics I've seen from the department of education says that kids who are held back are way more likely to drop out and never get past 11th grade, maybe some of 12th grade but the statistics say nearly 50% drop out.

I'd never choose to hold a child back, for any reason unless they were just not smart enough to do the work.

Nope. In fact my daughter has ended up with an almost entirely new group of friends in middle school than she had in elementary school (I did too years ago). If the child has no academic reason to hold him back, by this age he should just move on.

No. I wouldn't.
I also doubt any good district would allow it for those reasons.

This is ridiculous. I held my kids back but it was academics not friendships. That has to be the dumbest reason. Sorry but it just is.

Are you flippin' kidding me! Holding back a 5th grader because their friends are younger? Their friends have been younger all along! It's going to do more damage to the kid socially to be held back at this age then good being with friends. Not to mention, friends at this age come and go like a revolving door. These friends who you would hold your kid back for will probably not be friends half way into 5th grade anyway - and kids scatter like crazy in middle school.

If these are the only friends they have, then middle school should be a welcome experience - new kids, a fresh start.

How they will feel when they are teenagers? How about how will they feel in their second year of 5th grade when they are now labeled as too far behind for Jr High - when it's not even the case! They will always have that stigma of being the kid held back.

Yikes is all I can say.

Not ready for middle school why?

There must be more to this (as you say, there could be more to this story) than just for friendship. I've never heard of that.

I have heard (twice, in recent years) of kids being put into private school and another child moving schools - because they did not fit in socially. I think the parents gave it their best shot and just decided that the kids could use a change and made it happen. Those kids were not thriving (I think they weren't happy and it did affect their grades too).

I've seen parents question doing the same on this site (changing schools). If a child is that unhappy or it's affecting their well being, sometimes a change is helpful. I would think therapy/counsellor at the same time (or first) would be the way to go in those cases, to see if there is an underlying problem.

Keeping back a year ... that's the part that doesn't seem to make sense. Unless they aren't doing quite as well as you indicate. I could see if they were struggling and emotionally immature for their age ... then perhaps.

But no - never heard of that exact scenario here, nor would I try it with my kids. I would help them to develop friendships (through extra curricular activities etc.) first. I would not hold them back in school - just seems off.

I would not hold my child back because of his/her friends. These friends are not going to be with him when he completes his schooling and goes to work. So why would you put so much stress on a child that early?

Perhaps the moms have issues with progression into other grades and are not ready for the changes. Life is all about change and that is the only constant in life. If I knew my child and by the fifth grade you should, I would not keep my child back just because of the friends. Emotionally this could cause all kinds of problems for him in the future in learning and doing any other thing in life.

So I concur with the majority of the people on this post, let the boys go on to middle school and make new friends in their respective classrooms and expand their horizons.

the other S.