Would You Have This Friend Back?

I am a very avid reader if I'm reading a really good book I do not want to put it down until I am DONE with it. But if this was her first time staying I think I'd have her back for an overnight and part of the next day but not two over nights

I would still have over, but for a shorter sleepover. My son's friend is an only child and when he comes over sometime he is not used to the craziness (I have 3 boys) and goes in a corner to hang out by himself for a bit. His mother says because he needs to chill by himself at times because he is used to be by himself. Whatever works, but we still have him over and my son still wants him to.

BTW, I had a friend that I met at 5. She moved away (45 min) and we always still got together. We are friends today (we are 41 now) and talk twice a day!

What is she reading that she can't put down? I have a friend that did that when we were little-I forget how I handled it. Probably would do one night, not two-and would throw her stuff in the wash were I doing some anyway.

I think that the stay was simply too long. I do think that you're reading too much into Mary's behavior and are taking it somewhat personally. She's not rude or boring, but is probably at her core an introvert who recharges her batteries with solo activities like reading or quiet activities like watching a movie. That doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make her ill-suited at this age for an extended stay. My guess is that the first day sapped her of all of her social energy because it was busy. She's not the kind of kid who can do that day after day after day, which is fine. Now you know. Have her over for one full day of activities, have her sleep over, and then have her go home the next day.

I recently went on a business trip for three days where a bunch of us instructors and tutors were being trained as special events presenters. Everyone there was great in front of a crowd - charming, engaging, energetic, et. - if we weren't, we wouldn't have been invited. However, there were quite a few introverts in the group. So after each day of intense training (lots of role playing, presenting in front of a group, a day of service, etc.) the company of course planned dinners for us, a boat cruise, etc. The introverts literally could not stand to be out with the rest of us in the evening and really needed time alone at the end of the day to read, exercise, watch a movie, have dinner solo etc. so that the next day, they could again be "on" and engaged in the larger group. As an education company, the organizers of course recognized the validity of this need and no one thought poorly of those who couldn't stand to have 14-16 hours of interaction a day for 3 days.

Anyway...your daughter's friend really sounds like the kind of kid who can socialize for a day at a time and then needs some alone time, and that's fine. Don't take it personally, don't be offended for your daughter, and next time, limit the visit to one overnight. It might be a good opportunity to teach your daughter a bit about temperaments and personalities so that she knows that it's not her company that's lacking, it's just that her friend has less social energy than she does.

Yes, do her laundry. And yes, have her over again, but not for two days. Most 9 or 10 year olds have a hard time being away from home for that long. She may have just had sensory overload -- especially after jumping at the trampoline place.

I am quite the introvert. While I like to be social and spend time with my friends, once I hit my limit, I feel completely exhausted and just want to be left alone.

Don't take it as a slight to your daughter. Just realize that these two girls probably get along better having shorter play dates. If it's too difficult for you to host or make the 45 minute drive to get the girls together, then you don't need to feel bad about letting this relationship fade away. Your daughter's friendships probably shouldn't require so much work from you.

Why wouldn't you have her over again? Over one incident where she chose to {{{gasp}}} READ?

I don't see this as unusual at all. I met my best friend when we were newly 10 years old. We did everything together. We still do. Our children are best friends. We didn't always "play" together or need to have plans together... we would get together and just hang out. We would listen to music (Les Mis, Phantom of the Opera, the radio) and dance around or we would go find a shady tree in the yard and put out a blanket and read. We would take breaks to get cold drinks and a picnic. Sometimes we would chat about what we were reading.

The important thing was that we were spending time together, just being together. It felt good having nothing to do a single thing except BE. We still do this. We do it because it's comforting and reconnects us.

EDIT: About the laundry: Yes I would have done it. We always did each other's laundry. Our moms taught us because we produced so much laundry, actually. :-) We do each other's childrens' laundry now too. Kids are messy. It happens.

It sounds to me that she's a young girl who feels extremely comfortable around your family, to the point that she doesn't use her "guest manners" around you. You could either distance yourself, or accept her as she is. You could also be up front with her and tell her that while she's visiting, it would be nice to spend more time doing communal activities rather than solo activities.

I grew up in a family where it was ok that everyone was in the same room, but doing different things. That's how we spent time together. I would read, my father would be watching the news, my mother would be sewing something or washing something or cooking something or talking to someone on the phone, and my sister would be on the floor as close to me as possible playing with something and occasionally touching me so that I would be obligated to say, "Mooooooom... she's touching me again!"

This was family life for me. Maybe she feels like she's a part of your family and therefore doesn't act like she's your guest. That's just my gut feeling about the situation.

They act like siblings that don't actually get to see each other enough to fight like true siblings do, but comfortable enough together that it's good to just be in the same space at the same time.

I started to write this, and then re-read your post and realized that your daughter's guest is still at your home as you write. So you're having a vent about the visit.

You have put a whole lot of work into maintaining your daughter's friendship with this girl, which I think is admirable. Why should you cut it off now, while they still like each other?

Both girls are growing up. Yes, they're only fourth graders, but they're still older than they've ever been. Each is developing her own interests, and one of M.'s is reading.

Is M. being courteous? No. Is she being a good guest? Well, no. Those are things one has to learn to do. She is not being deliberately hurtful, but she is acting like - well, like a child. Her mama (not you!) needs to teach her to put her books aside (read: leave them at home) when she visits someone. You can see why: putting a book down can be hard to do when the book is really, REALLY good. It's as hard to do as to come out of a video game or television "trance" back into the real world. But, of course, the girl needs to learn how to switch gears. The flip side of it is that evidently M. feels very comfortable at your house - she treats it like her own home!

Why has M.'s mother not taught her this? Well, not knowing any of you, I have no idea, of course. But it's possible that she's very thankful that her daughter has an obsession for books instead of TV or video games or a few other things I could think of.

Is your daughter being a doormat? Not if I read your post correctly. She is trying to be a good host and make her guest happy.

So please cool off a bit, Mama Bear (I'm smiling as I write that). Next week, don't talk to your own daughter about the visit from her friend until you can listen to her and not to your high emotions. You don't want her to be uptight, so you don't want to teach her how to take offense. :^)

As the mom of two girls and a long time Girl Scout volunteer I can tell you two nights, one on one, is long time at this age. Don't take it personally and make it a simple overnight next time.
I have done weekends with girlfriends as an adult and I can tell you after 24 hours of "togetherness" and constant activity I am ready for a break too!

i don't think you should take this all so personally. kids aren't cut-outs, they go through phases and moods. mary sounds like sweetheart, and if she wants to read and your daughter wants to play, they should figure out themselves. my best friend and i went through episodes of this every. single. time. we had sleepovers. there was ALWAYS an hour or three when we were at odds and furious with each other, and it ALWAYS worked out. our mothers never interfered to this degree.
she's just a little girl. your disapproval almost certainly looms over her like a cloud. your reaction to tossing a small load of laundry in for her doesn't compute with me at all.
relax, mama. it sounds to me as if you're stressed and exhausted from trying to umpire their entire experience.
let them be friends. friendships have ups and downs. it's okay.
khairete
S.

What a great opportunity to perhaps also share that our friends have differnent tastes, past times and temperaments....Such is life. I think if the children like each other...and your daughter enjoys her company ...i would continue to make the effort...

For the next playdate, i would try to plan ahead and perhaps coordinate activities with the other mom what they both would like. If the other girl wants to read a great deal...that is OK too. I think it is again a good life lesson about friendship....

Best....

Well, I re-read this twice.
It didn't seem to bother your daughter at all. It doesn't make her a "doormat."
Does she have a quiet activity she can do while her friend reads?
Would I have her back?
I'd leave that up to my kid.
And I'd try to plan some activities AND some downtime.

I wondet why you didn't talk with Mary about how you were feeling and why, since you did't want her to read why you didn't ask her to stop. Good to arrange an a activity for them. Did you ask Mary if she'd like to jump on the trampoline?

Did the nanny take them home when Mary was thru jumping? And did she then facilitate finding another activity? Kids this age, especially kids who see each other infrequently and are together for 2 days need help with entertainment.

I would have a relaxed, compassionate conversation with Mary and her mom before ending the visits. You seem to be making negative judgements about what happened when talking about it with the girls and other Mom will give you an opportunity to know what happened so that you can make an informed decision. You may find that it's reasonable to stop the visits or you may find a way to help the girls to grow socially.

Did you ask why your daughter asked you to do the laundry? Again, I suggest that when you ask questions and are open a out how you feel that you'll have a chance to deal more effectively with each situation.

I do not think that Mary was rude. I suggest, that at her age she is just learning manners and needs to be helped to learn instead of judged.

Now, if visiting is something you'd rather not do, it's reasonable to stop the visits. They are time consuming as well as extra responsibility.

Two nights is WAY too long of a visit at that age, that's all.

Sure, have her over. Treat her book like it was a ds or an iPod. You can say "Mary, it's time to put the book away, we are going to the bounce house. There will be time to read after dinner." I know myself and my older son are like that, if we are reading a good book it is hard to put it down. You can use Mary's love of books as a positive influence on your daughter by encouraging your daughter to read when Mary reads. Just because Mary is reading doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy your daughter's company. I spend lots of time with my family reading a book. I still feel I am spending time with them.

It's good that you realize that you are too uptight. That will be helpful for you.

I'm not sure that when you have a guest over for 2 days it needs to be a whirlwind of "non-stop what your daughter likes" activities, does it?

As other mom's have said.... 2 days is too long. So shorten it, a bit.

If the girl is an avid reader.... then 2 days without doing what she LOVES is too long for her. That has nothing to do with your daughter.

The girls can be best friends, but not do everything the same. Let them sort it out. 9 or 10 is too old for you to be spearheading activities, anyway. At that age, THEY should be figuring out what they want to do TOGETHER. So have them talk about the plan for the time they are together. And build in some reading time, so Mary knows when to expect that she can "wind down" but your daughter knows when they can play together.

It's unfortunate that you find a reader's behavior to be "rude and boring". Reading has meant a world of entertainment for my daughter in places where she couldn't be "active" or "playing", like while I studied for my Master's Degree at the library in a study group. All of the grad-students remarked how mature my daughter was... as she was able to be by herself with a book. So, I would re-think your assessment of Mary, for sure.

As far as the laundry - not sure what the rules are at her house... again, you could have solved this with communciation, but you chose to just be annoyed. Maybe every Saturday night she gives her mom all the laundry. Maybe HER mom does guest laundry on the last night of the guest's stay. I would have had a conversation with her... that it wasn't laundry time. But we do several loads of laundry EVERY DAY.... so adding in 2 days worth of girl laundry isn't that big of a deal. I might have called the mom to make sure "everything could just go in the machine" to let her mom know what was up......

Sure...I just wouldn't make it a 2-day visit. One overnight seems to be just right. The girls played really well on the first day/night right?

I certainly would not get bent out of shape because the little girl was reading a book...granted she took it to the extreme at someone else's home, but it was still just reading.

Please put away the idea of Mary's rudeness. She is very young. Her mother washes her clothes. She is allowed to read instead of putting a book away and socializing. This isn't really about Mary. This is about her being 9 or 10 years old, and having a mom who has not actually put her foot down with her and taught her better etiquette.

Instead of asking Mary over, wait and let Mary have your daughter over. If her mother hasn't dealt with the issue, then you know that the playdates should probably come to an end.

I would have the friend over again but for a shorter amount of time. I recall that my BFF when I was in elementary school (and still my BFF, BTW :) and I didn't always get along or want to do the same things, especially as we got older and started having our independent interests.

If you have her over for shorter amounts of time - like one day or one afternoon or a one night sleepover - maybe the book can be left at home.

If it becomes a pattern then maybe Mary is drifting away from the friendship and the book is her escape, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion after one instance.

Didn't read the other posts so this may be a repeat. Do you think she might have started her period. My 2nd daughter started in 4th grade. And wasn't very comfortable about it. Could be why she NEEDED her clothes washed. And she might be embarrassed if your daughter isn't in the same place as her right now. Possibly take her aside and talk to her. Does she need anything ie.. pads, Tylenol, heating pad for cramps. It could be something that simple. My daughter was at my mom's for spring break when she first started. Called my 3 days later in tears. Bless her heart. I think the girls sound like great friends this could just be a phase. If it's nothing more I wouldn't worry about it.

As long as your daughter wants to pursue the relationship, I would continue the play dates. It may happen that your daughter will also be inspired to read more. If that were my friend and guest, I would, like you, find it rude. But she is your daughter's guest, and she's okay with it. You could talk with her about your opinions and she may decide to give it one or two more tries. But friendships dissolve and evolve over the elementary years quite a bit. Especially when distance and time are involved.

ETA: I couldn't be social for that number of hours straight myself, either. I am an introvert, and I love being with other people, but can't sustain it for long periods without a little personal time to reboot.

Yes, I would have her over again.

It's tough - but really? Her book is like my boys XBOX or DS - if the XBOX was like the PS2 or DS and hand held and could go anywhere - they would play it all the time.

And, yes, my boys have spells of only wanting to read. So what do I do? I do the same thing I would with the electronics - tell them NOW is NOT the time for "X". they have friends over and now is the time to be with friends.

I think you are reading WWWWAAAAAYYYY too much into this. I have a best friend of 37 years....she and I have NEVER lived in the same town. When we got to see each other as kids? We would take a break from each other as well - not hours and hours - but maybe an hour or two.

Next time Mary is over - tell her that she's here to visit Jane. Is there something that BOTH can do together?

I'm an avid reader. I'm gifted. I'm a little odd. I NEVER took a book to a friends as a kid. It seems you were babysitting not engineering a play date. Just my opinion. No. I would not do such a long sleepover again. A few hours or an outing out somewhere if you all meet up. It all seems way to much work for me unless this is family.

It doesn't sound to me like a reason to end the friendship. If the girls had a great time the first day then I'm sure they would love to still be friends. I also think a sleepover is ok, but have her come mid-afternoon and leave before lunch the next day. Maybe the longer visits are just too much for her.

If she is reading too much, I think it's ok to put the book away. Maybe when the mom drops her off, she can say "Mary, after X amount of time (maybe an hour), you need to put your book away. P. will make sure that you do so you can play with your friend."

You've had a ton of responses... So I'll keep this quick:

Sometimes with gifted kids you have to break the hyper focus. They're completely unaware of time and how it's affecting others. Aka... You asked e mom for advice, she told you how to handle her kid... But you don't want to do that. And are trying to find a DIFFERENT way to handle her kid. (Make your own kid fulfill a parental role, expect a child with a brain disorder to be normal, etc.,, but it's not going to work).

Tale it from a gifted parent : just take the book away.

Seriously.

It breaks the hyper focus and they can rejoin the world, again.

In TIME (years, but will struggle with this into adulthood) she'll learn to break the hypericum herself. While a younger child with a normal brain could do this seemingly simple task... She can't.

It's like expecting a dyslexic to read.

So... Don't over think it.

Just take the book away.

Please use paragraphs in the future!!

Two days wasn't long at all, especially if it's 45 minutes one way. I would have told the girl that there has to be compromise with what both girls want to do.

Maybe the next visit you can have the girls make a list of activities they want to do for that day. Tell the friend she will have time to read too and while she is reading your daughter can read with her or listen to music, watch t.v. etc.....everyone needs time to themselves.

The laundry is a silly thing, who cares if you did the laundry or not or if the friend ask if you did it or your daughter did.

Sure have her over again. Just shorten up the stay. If she wants to read tell her she can have a half an hour and then move her to the next event.

I would have taken the book when she was up playing and told her she was visiting a friend and it wasn't nice to treat her friend like that. I would have tried to teach her some manners about going to visit a friend and then ignoring them.

She came to visit, not find a different venue for reading her book. Her friend is a person who had expectations and this friend hurt her by ignoring her. That was not nice, she needed to be called out and helped to understand how the other girl felt by being ignored.

Too bad for your daughter. Next time ask the mom if she'll let you know how to handle this, maybe mom will keep the books at home. YOU need to make sure she doesn't take a book to an activity too. That was something you have learned now though. Next time make sure she's not taking anything. That way she won't have anything to turn to except what is going on around her.

I'd have let them watch as many movies as they liked too. It's a special time and watching a movie together with popcorn and hanging out is fun.

She was likely bored and turned to a book to feel stimulated. Perhaps she doesn't like to go outside and play all day.

If she had brought a DS or a cell phone and was playing games instead of interacting I bet things would have gone differently as far as taking things away from her. Books are hard to take away...lol.

I understand your frustration and how your daughter was upset she didn't have someone to actually play with. It might have been that the first day was "busy" so maybe it was just too much for her and she felt like she needed a "down" day. Reading makes her feel better and I get that. I would not take it personally and think that she doesn't like your daughter. If she is a "reader" she probably reads CONSTANTLY at home. Is she an only child? I'm an only child and since I'm used to being by myself, I read a lot too and can be happy doing little to nothing. So I would have her over again and not plan so many activities or maybe spread them out so it isn't so much for one day. And tell her she can bring her book but maybe only read an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. The girl is old enough to be honest with and tell her your daughter wanted to spend time with her and for next time, what would she like to do so they can spend more time together? Just figure out a better plan for next time and don't take this personally. The girls are just different but it doesn't mean they can't be friends. Good luck.

P.,
I did not read all the answers. I can certainly understand your annoyance and need to protect your daughter, but I would look at this as a bit of an opportunity. The opportunity is to allow your daughter to make the choice. Let her figure it out and eventually learn from it. It could take years. I certainly had childhood friends I should have let go of, but hanging on to them taught me lessons about how to speak up for myself and who I am.
:)

How about just do one night in the future and ask mom to make sure she does not bring a book. She should be fine with that for ONE night.

Rude? yes. Boring? Only in your opinion, she enjoys reading books so it's not boring to her.

Yes, I would have her over again if both your daughter and she wants to and as long as they are getting along (even if the enjoy different things).

Maybe a bounce house isn't fun for her, at least not all day. Maybe next time you can let the girls decide what they want to do (either give them choices or have have them come up with ideas and you decide)...just be sure that it is something they both enjoy or do two things (one that they each enjoy). Figure in some downtime to so Mary can read too.

As for the laundry, maybe your daughter said you were doing laundry or maybe Mary realized you were doing laundry. I know when I have guests, even if just overnight, I will often throw their's in. I hate sending kids home with dirty clothes especially if I think their mom was doing laundry while the kid wasn't home.

My adult son's girlfriend was visiting from NJ for two weeks and I asked her multiple times if she wanted anything washed (everytime I did laundry) but she had packed wisely and said she'd do them when she got home.

Good to know per some answers I can be a guest and whip out a book and read for hours and hours without being rude! I think some people may have missed this was almost all day vs just some downtime. I'd have been annoyed too. I was a super avid reader as a kid but never did something like this. I guess it's up to your daughter but Id make sure she looks Mary treated her. Like you said, how is it different than playing a video game nonstop? Sure reading is good but not award winning behavior for goodness sakes. As for the laundry, not sure what I would have done. Probably would have depended on the timing but as someone else said, is be mortified if my daughter asked after 2 days. It was only two days and she was leaving in the morning. Her mom had gotten a two day break while you already did extra work. I guess overall one night if your daughter really wants. Good thing you didn't agree to a week. I wouldn't have thought two days was too much btw with some downtime. My girls at happily often with good friends for more than a day. We have the same kids over lots of times two days in a row over vacations.

your daughter isn't a dormat, except mary didn't feel like playing. doing her laundry should have not irritated you. i would have done it.

I'm surprised at some of the answers here . . . I would have been a bit put off too.

I am an extreme reader - possibly hyperlexic - and I still managed to go on sleep-overs as a kid and not read while I was with a friend (other than cereal boxes, phone books, tv guides, etc. LOL).

It sounds to me like baby-sitting, too, as another mom mentioned.

I'd have her over again, just not as long. The purpose of a "play-date" is for both kids to have fun. It sounds like this was a bit more one-sided. I don't mind if a child needs to "check out" mentally for a bit during a sleep-over, but what you describe sounds different from that.

I would be mortified if one of my kids asked another kid's mom to do his laundry after 2 days. I have taken it on my own to wash swim suits and such, but I've never had anyone ask me!

Again, I'd have her over but keep it shorter.

JMO.

It sounds like Mary was a tad obsessed with the book she was reading. I would have told her she had 30 min to read and then they needed to go play outside. They would get more reading time later, and set the timer. It's not fair for her to read while your daughter is waiting to interact. It would the exactly the same thing as a phone or tablet. Limit their time, even if they are friends and not your own child. I don't think she would have had a problem with it. There are a lot of quiet play activities they could do together that would still give her a little down time.

It seems this friend needs to learn some manners and you might be in a position to teach her.
Have her over again sometime.
If a book reading situation happens again, right at the start take the book away and tell her it's not polite to visit someone and then bury yourself in a book (or texting on a phone, or checking Facebook, etc and so forth) and basically ignore that you're visiting with someone.
She can read the book any time but not on visits.

I'm an avid reader and I know that I can get like that at times. Especially if it is a really good book. I have gone to family cook outs with my husband before and would sit in the corner and read (this was also when like the fifth Harry Potter came out and I was REALLY looking forward to it) but I did join in after awhile. I didn't stay hidden the whole day.

I'm not excusing the girl's behavior but a part of me can understand why all she wanted to do was read, because I get like that too with certain book.

At the same time, also having several discussions with my husband I also realize that what I did was rude and the girl needs to have that same talk. Obviously they can't play 24/7 so maybe there should be a set quiet time. Where she can read and your daughter can do whatever.

But this is something that the girl's mother should discuss with her, especially if she has done this other places. It's good that she's such an avid reader but there's a time and a place for everything.

In the end, it's your daughter's decision. But maybe next time have the girl stay over for one night instead of 2, work up to 2 days but see how one day goes. I'm also curious to know if the same behavior is shown when your daughter spends a few days with her.

I would have her over. But I also would have taken the book, or told her to put it away (just like I do with kids and their stupid iphones and video game units).

out of curiosity who instigated this particular sleepover? Did the girls ask for it? did the mom call and ask about it? did the little girl come armed with enough books to read non stop for 10+ hours a day? maybe the mom needed a sitter and the girl didn't really want to come but came with the moms promise that she could bring as many books as she wanted to read while she was there. I would not have her over night anymore with the expectation that she is going to "play" non stop while there. It may just be that she was not really wanting to be there. at that age a "forced" playdate can go badly.