Would This Annoy You? Another MIL Question...

Next time you see her hand her an overnight bag for each child and tell her you will pick them up on Friday. "Well Mom you said you wanted to be more involved in their lives"

Then carry on as though nothing has changed.

No, it wouldn't annoy me, I wouldn't allow it to, life is too short to get sucked into useless drama...

Do they have a computer? If so ya'll could Skype, this is how my friend in OK stays in touch with her grandkids in SC, she says it's like being there ツ

She can TRY sending you on a guilt trip.
You don't have to accept the invitation.
When she talks about being a part of the grand kids lives, pin her down on details.
"Like how, Mom?" - and let her fill in the blanks.
More than likely she enjoys the whining but has no intention of actually DOING anything and would like others to take action.
The kids are only going to get more busy with their own friends and activities.
It's a two way street - and you've already done your part.
If she's not happy with that, Bummer MIL Dudette, she can get off her behind and do something about it, and if she's not willing to do anything, then she's got nothing to whine about.
Just ignore her when she goes into her well practiced routine.

I think you should throw a little back at her.

MIL: Oh, I wish we were more a part of the kids' lives. We never get to see them unless we come here!

YOU: Did you get Jr's call the other day? He was really looking forward to telling you about XYZ. He'd really love to hear from you.

And, next time your husband comes in the room let him know you and MIL were just talking about *insert latest guilt trip here*, what does he think?

My MIL has no filter and never stops unless she is called out.

They just arent "those kind" of grandparents.
I don't know why YOU are having guilt trips?

I have to be in the mood to talk to my little grandkids, if I'm not in it I wont call back either. Our kids arent mad at us for it, they understand that we are busy and phone calls with little kids can be challenging.

You have lots of history here, but let me just address one thing. Does your MIL actually understand how her cell phone works--how to check messages and how to return calls? I have met a lot of older folks who can't read the small print and don't know how to retrieve calls. They should be excited to hear from their grandchildren and I am sure your kids are disappointed when they call and don't receive a message back in response. That is what you should tell her --that your kids are disappointed when they don't hear back. I wouldn't give her a lecture on not wanting to be involved. I might also do something like, Gee MIL- your grandson called you 3 days ago to invite you to his softball game, which was last night. When you don't return their calls promptly, you both (grandchild & IL's) miss out. Try to ignore the guilt trips--

No, you're not being irrational, but you don't have to let it irritate you. Next time she starts, tell her "Jenny, my children called you on Monday at 5:15 pm, then Wednesday at 2:45 and on Saturday at 3:00. I have it written down, you see. They left you messages each time. You didn't call back." Ask her why she is complaining. Make sure you say it in front of your husband.

Quite frankly, they need to come see you guys since they are retired, if they want to be part of the kids' lives. That doesn't mean that you don't drive the two hours to go visit, but they need to come over more.

You might ask her if she even knows how to check her messages and her cell phone call history. If she does, she has no excuse. If she doesn't, show her all those missed calls!

EVERY time she brings up the guilt trips, tell her when the kids called last. Every time. She'll stop doing it, especially when you know exactly what time the kids called. I swear, if I were you, I'd start laughing about it after the 3rd time of telling her!

Dawn

Do they... even know how to use their cell phones?????
I know many "elderly" or grandparents, that do not know how.
Can they even hear their cell phone ringing?

Next: THEY are ALSO responsible, for seeing their Grandkids or making time to do so, as well.
They are not royalty. Meaning, a rational person, cannot just always expect others... do to what they want. And if they want to see their Grandchildren, THEY can make it happen too. Not just you.
THEY can come and visit, or get a computer and use Skype, or send cards or make phone calls, too.

But MIL's behavior, is just doing childish immature guilt-trips, on you.
And her son/your Husband, is never wrong.... and MIL does not want her son to see how she actually is, because MIL wants her son, to be against you. Too.
So she is creating problems, for you (and your marriage perhaps)..... by making you look like a Witch... and conveniently not letting her Son, see that she is really.... mean and demeaning to, you.

Then, it is up to your Husband, to defend you and be on your side. And to be a Man and stand up to his, Mommy. And not just let his Mom, be a childish bad talking woman, about his own Wife.

I would, DOCUMENT all the times/dates that you or your children called her. And all the nice things you do for them. So that, when MIL accuses you of being a witch of a Daughter-In-Law, you can SHOW her, all that documentation. And then she might back off.

AND your kids ALSO, can say, that they called her but she did not answer the phone nor even called them back, even if they left a voice mail. How can she... accuse her Grandchildren, a child... to be "liars" and ignoring, her?

Your MIL is HIGHLY manipulative, and wants to be. And chooses to be, that way. She will not change. AND she is also indirectly, making trouble for you AND your Husband... possibly trying to get her Son, to be against you too. That... is really, noxious.

I am curious... what exactly does your Husband say or do... when you TELL him about his Mommy... treating you this way????

The responsibility is on her.
Quit trying to please her.
Because, she will NEVER, be pleased.

You are not being irrational here, but you need to learn to not get pulled into her drama or guilt trips. I KNOW this is hard.. I have lived through this. I had to realize as long as I was doing my best and from my heart.. it would be MIL next move. I stayed above it so that when I was accused of not trying to keep her informed or involved.. I was able to mail her and her daughter over 100 emails... from just a 2 year period..

You sound like you are doing a good job of getting your children to call and leave messages.. There is nothing more you can do..

Maybe consider having the children draw pictures and mailing them.. Yes, with stamps etc..

Then leave it alone..

There is not more you can do..
YOU have no reason to feel guilty..

I would rejoice they did not call back, you do not need their calls if they do not want to make them..

FYI, is it possible they are not good with their cell phones, because they do not really know how to use them?

I discovered this weekend, my mom still does not know how to use her new cell phone! She cannot find her messages and cannot remember her password!!!!

I am going to have one of her grandkids to go over there and work with her sometime this week.

Hang in there.

I would do as others suggest and tell her (next time she guilts you) that Jenny called at 5:15 p.m. on July 18 etc. and left a message. Be matter-of-fact about it; fussing at her and being angry won't help and will only make her defensive and angry. Have the dates and times in your own phone if you can.

Also: Issue VERY specific invitations. If your kids are old enough to have their own activities (even preschool or school events), then give her a very long-term heads-up, even a schedule of several events, so she can choose, or not, to make the 2-hour trip.

For instance: "I know you'd like to be more involved in the kids' lives and that is truly great. I'm giving you this invitation to Sam's regional soccer game/Sally's martial arts demonstration class/Lucy's dance recital. I know it's quite a drive for you so I'm inviting you way in advance so if you plan to come you'll have plenty of notice. Let me know by (date) whether you can be there or not." Big smile from you. If she says "I feel I'm being reduced to a slot on a calendar," keep smiling and say, "I'm trying to be considerate about your active life. I think it's terrific that you are able to have an active retirement! I'm all for that. So in order to also accommodate your being involved like you ask to be, I felt it would help to give you your own invitation to this event and if you can't make this one, the next thing coming up where the kids would love to see you is..."

If she says it's a long drive for the preschool concert, do you have the option to invite her to stay over and then send her on her way the next day "because we're out the door to" something else? (That is, IF you can take having her visit, or otherwise, offer a hotel room.)

And so on.

Don't expect a busy grandparent to come up with her own ideas on seeing the kids. If she's active she might not ever do it. Ideal? No, but she's the hand you have been dealt.

So issue specific invitations rather than "can you hang out" ones and if she doesn't ever make it to anything -- her loss. You will know that you were the bigger person who made the invitations even if she did not accept them. Do not become so emotionally invested in her that any repeated refusals will devastate you, and don't let your kids get overwrought with expecting grandma to turn up.

Where is your husband in all this? He really should be the one issuing these invitations to his mom, not you. Can he do it with a smile no matter what she says, and stay cool and positive?

Whether it's a mother in law or just your own parents, when it comes to "we want to be part of their lives", let their actions be your guide.

Judging from what you've described of their actions, it's time to put the ball in their court.
No more having the kids call. It can be hard for kids to leave messages and never get a call back. Instead, stop calling. Just email: "The kids have tried calling a few times, but didn't connect with you. Feel free to call them when you have the time. They can usually be available to talk at X Y and Z times."

(Incidentally, would email work? I don't know how old your kids are, but you could set up a family email account only you and your husband have the password to, simply for this purpose. They might do better that way. But have the Grandparents email first.)

It might be hard, but keep putting the ball in their court.
"We'd love to have you visit sometime. Let us know when you can make it." is a great line.
When the guilt trip comes: "Oh, don't you remember? The kids did make an effort to call..."

When the guilt trips come up, turn it back around. Empower them as much as possible for *them* to make things happen. When the 'we want to be a part of their lives' comes up, try to give them plenty of things they can attend if they choose. "Oh, Suzy has her piano recital on X , and Bobby has his soccer scrimmage at Y". Be sure to invite them to *everything* (don't tell the kids, you don't want them to be disappointed if the grandparents don't show up).

And then, time for your husband to step in. :) Time for him to ask "So when you tell T./us that you want to be part of the kid's lives, what does that really mean for you ? Could you be specific, because we're giving you plenty of opportunities..."

Big sigh. I know this creature. Good luck!

I know you said they are good with their phones, but my mom rarely listens to her messages and doesn't even notice when she has a message. She frequently has her phone off. Even her landline answering machine doesn't get listened to.

You should call them and say, "The kids have been trying to reach you, did you get their message? I know they really wanted to talk with you."

I'd wait util hubby was in the room and then broach the subject with your mil. Tell her that you agree that it would be wonderful if they were more involved in your children's lives. Mention the fact that you are having the kids call but since they aren't calling back you aren't sure if that's the best route to use. See if they would like to set up a weekly skype with the kids or posssible drive out for school functions. Since they are retired but very active it appears that their choice is to spend time with the things they want to do instead of their grandchildren. It's ok because it's their choice however you can't fix something if they are unwilling to help figure it out. The answer doesn't lay squarely on your shoulders.

You seem to be putting forth an effort on your end. If your children are leaving a message and grandparents are consistantly not calling back, I would stop having my kids call. It's not fair to them. And the next time one of your in laws laid on the guilt, I would simply say, "Tommy called you three times in the last two weeks and you never called him back." And leave it at that.

In her own way, she's telling you to move closer to where she lives. I get this from my own MIL too and she's not nearly as special as yours seems to be. We only live 25 minutes away and it's still not close enough for her. She hints at it nonstop.

The key is ignoring the guilt trips. Seriously. They're intended to annoy you and guilt you into a solution aka doing what she wants which is moving close enough for her to see the kids whenever she feels like it. For my MIL, that would be living close enough to see the kids daily. One SIL lives next door to her and other lives seven minutes away, and she sees them and their kids every day. She also babysits my other SIL's son three or four (sometimes more) times a week. So we're just failing in her eyes.

We do want to move closer but for our own reasons. We just can't right now, so we pretend she hasn't said a word. You have to do the same. If you call her and she doesn't answer then leave a message and that's that. She calls back when she calls back. If she complains, so what? Change the subject.

She might not be a voicemail checker. I have a few friends like that. It totally annoyed me at first because I was taking the time and thought to leave them specific messages. But when I discovered it didn't matter, I figured, what can I do? So now I don't leave messages. If they call back, I talk with them, otherwise I let it go. It's their choice.

The next time she does say something ask her if she gets the messages and if she is having difficulty returning them.

You are not being irrational. The next time she started on the guilt trip, I would simply say "Well, apparently it's not important enough for you to return their calls." And if hubby is around, but not within earshot, I would call him into the room, repeat for him whatever guilt-laden remark his mother made, and then say the above with him standing right there. That way your MIL is estopped from changing the story when he speaks with your hubs.

Sorry but enough is enough.
She's giving lip service only to the issue.
Not sure of your kids ages but stop having them call unless the kids are asking to call. IF she notices, tell her plainly that you won't be setting your kids up for disappointment from her unreturned calls any more. Tell her she is free to call them as she pleases.

yes, it would annoy me.
but not THAT much.
it's lovely that you have the kids call. i'd absolutely keep doing that. and then you have that lovely retort whenever she tries to guilt trip you.
MIL: 'wah wah wah i so want to be part of the kids' lives but they're all too busy and no one has time for poor me wah wah wah.'
T. (smiling serenely): i'm so glad to hear that! the kids were sorry you didn't return their (insert number) phone calls over the last few weeks, and pansybelle would have loved it if you could have made it to the soccer game she invited you to. glad to know you'll be there more often in the future.'
don't let her slime it all over you.
:) khairete
S.

Turnabout is fair play. Sounds like you have plenty of ammo to return the guilt trip fire. Of course, if you prefer the high ground, just make sure you are doing your best to facilitate the relationship. If they don't meet you halfway that isn't your problem. As long as you're doing your part they should do theirs. When she starts the guilt trip I'd just find a way to politely excuse myself from the conversation. Or like Cheryl B. suggested, get your hubby in on the fun. Btw, no, you are most definitely NOT being irrational. :-D