Worth It to Speak to MIL About What's She's Missing Out On?

I am a grandmother of 6 grandsons. The plain fact is that some grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren and there are many, many (I know it shocked me too) grandparents who don't care to be with their grandchildren very much.
My own children's grandparents did not see them very often (holidays pretty much) and I too feel they missed out. However, the sad truth is that they did not feel that way. They were completely satisfied with the few times a year they saw the grandkids.

I feel for you because this is my life too....but it's with my parents instead if inlaws.

I have talked to my parents about it and they love my children..that I don't doubt. However, I always expected my mom to be the baking cookie with grandchildren type of Grandma and she just isn't. Yes, she and my Dad are missing out on a lot but like my Mom told me when I did talk to her about all this...she's raised her kids and now it's hers and my Dad's time to do what they want.

I am really sorry...I know it's hard....It took me two years to accept it and I STILL feel bad sometimes esp. when my kids ask to see her/them.

I don't know if this will help, but my father is the only grandparent left to his 5 grandchildren (I have 2 kids, my sister has 3, we have 2 brothers but they probably will not have kids). He probably sees them once about every 3 months or so when either I or my sister plan some function. He has always been this way because he is very narcisstic. My sister and I have had to learn to accept this. He will never change.

who are you to decide how much time they should spend with your children? isn't that their decision? they have a right to decide how they wish to spend THEIR time just like you do. it doesn't mean they don't love your children, it means they have their own lives and these children are YOUR priority and not theirs.

Just a few thoughts from a Grandmother who probably doesn't spend as much time with her grandchildren as her children would like. First of all, I was raised in a home where we didn't see my grandparents (on either side) all that often, but we always knew they loved us. I have never had that as a model of good grandparenting so it is hard for me to be that type of grandmother. Second, after raising my children, I feel that my children should raise their own children without my interference. I love them all very much and know that they are doing a wonderful job with their children. Third, I work full time (which my kids hate cause I don't have as much time to be a "grandmother" and do the grandmother thing. Some of my children's expectations of what a grandmother does is unrealistic and not who I am. I have thouroughly enjoyed all my grandchildren when I see them... which for some is often and others is infrequent because of distance. I have some children who have tried to guilt me into doing what they think I should do by having their children tell me how much they like doing such and such with me, but I know that it is the parents that put them up to it, because I have gotten it from the parents too. All that does is make me want to do what they want less. I don't mind babysitting once in a while, but I don't want to be doing it every day or every week...as I am tired from working and it becomes one more thing. I always felt that when my children were grown, I would have the time to do the things that I wanted to do, that I never had time to when my children were small. Selfish? Maybe. But I have spent so much time in my life raising my children and doing for them that sometimes I am just tired and would like to travel with my husband alone and get to know him again as a friend and lover. I dearly love my children and grandchildren and try to make things special for them when they come over. Will I ever be there baking cookies for them and taking them everywhere with me? No, probably not. But it doesn't mean that I don't think of them or love them any less. ... And we do family dinners every Sunday for any who wish to be there. ... And we go visit every couple of months to the ones who live far away. I do miss out on the day to day growing but I hear about it from some of my children and others I catch up when I see them. I don't have a need to be with them every day, interferring with their activities. I know as children grow, they put distance between you and them (healthy distance) and as they get married and have families, that it is important that grandparents don't interfere with the way their children raise their children. Sometimes that means staying away so that I don't say something that would cause hurt feelings about parenting styles. Maybe you need to get to know your MIL better and find out what she enjoys doing and what her life was life that made her be who she is and you will understand her better and know that she loves you with all that she has. Good luck with it and please love your MIL for what she can do and does, and don't look for what she doesn't and/or compare her with someone else. It is hard to be always less than someone else.

I can be kind of harsh at times, but you asked and this is what I think. This is probably not what you want to hear, but I think you should leave her alone. So she isn't the sit around and knit grandmother, she has a life. She really has no obligation to your children. She raised her kids and now it is time for her. If she has watched your son 10 times in 5 years and makes time during the holidays and birthdays I think you should be happy for those times.

So what if she schedules birthdays at restaurants.....you really expect her to cook for you? It may not be how you were raised, but it isn't wrong and you really should get over it. If she put the kids first and was spending too much time over at your house you would probably complain then. You should appreciate that she raised her son to be independent and that she leaves you alone to raise your kids. She probably feels that you are adults and can take care of yourselves.

You shouldn't say anything to her and you should probably leave your husband alone about it too. She is entitled to have her own life that doesn't revolve around you and your kids. I understand that your boys mean the world to you and that you can't understand how she doesn't want to spend every moment with them, but maybe she gets sick of your making her feel like she isn't good enough when she does show up.

I also don't see you complaining about FIL....why is he immune?

Hi K.,
I'm really sorry to hear that your in-law's aren't more excited about spending time with your boys. To be honest, I don't know that talking you your MIL about it would make things any better...It seems to me that we can't change how a person FEELS, although we may be able to persuade someone to change how they ACT...does this make sense? You would basically be telling your MIL that she should WANT to spend more time with your kids - how do you change that in a person? They've spent time with your kids, so they know how great they are - if that doesn't change their mind, then I don't think that a conversation would either.

Maybe in their mind, they've raised their kids (or child), and now they want to enjoy life doing what they want to do, their way, which includes seeing their grandchildren but not as much or with as much enthusiasm as you would like. In any case, if you still decide to have a conversation with her, it should probably be done by her son. It's a hard enough conversation to have with anyone, much less an in-law. Good luck!!

Cathy H, a grandmother said it very well.... Best advice ever!

My MIL is a blessing to me and our kids. She and I set boundries early regarding her Grandchildren and it has worked out. She doesnt interfere with our parenting, but also does not invite kids over... But we are welcome at anytime and she drops everything during our short visits to focus on kids. It takes a lot of effort on my part, since my hubby works.

I always call and include her when kids say something funny or are singing a cute song.
I always share the kids artwork with her. Fill her fridge with it!
Call to make short dates... McDonalds, ice cream for losing a tooth, breakfast at a small airport, just to watch planes fly.

Going to church is an option. Go to hers once a month?

My MIL is Jewish and I was raised a Christian. I had to dive into her world and find out what
she loves and appreciates. Very hard, since worlds are different. She too, wants her own life, but we stop in for hugs and stay a half hour... it's Okay to make the visits very short, but frequent.

To get what you want, you need to show her what she is missing.

My advice:
Show respect (no confrontations), Be generous, Be a proud Parent and set aside the time
to "share" magical moments. Take pics with Grandparents and kids... She will see the sparkle in Grandchildren's eyes!! You can then say.. "He was so cute when Grandma..."

Don't expect to drop kids off... sounds like you need to be involved.

Hope this helps,
M.

My in-laws live close by, too, and we rarely see them. Everyone gets along and there is no tension to speak of. My advice would be to just understand that everyone is a different grandparent, just as everyone is a different parent. Not all grandparents want to be involved; it's a sad reality of life. Yes, they're missing out, but that's their choice and interference from you will probably make things worse.

Invite them over, invite them to join you on outings, if you want to include them. Have your family live its life. If your in-laws want to join you, they will. Getting bitter only hurts you and your family.

What about adopting grandparents? I know many communities have a program that connects lonely grandparents with young families. Just a thought.

Good luck.

Just another thought in addition to all you've received. As I was reading your post and a few responses, I started thinking about busy grandparents (my parents included, still have 3 children at home, of 9) and how they might feel about their children and grandchildren, basically putting myself in their shoes. They're probably glad for the freedom of finally not having children in their home and might be taking advantage of their open schedules, and perhaps overschedule, not thinking of the time they should still be devoting to family. In addition, they might not want to overstep boundaries and thus let families figure out their own individual family groove and problems, not wanting to add to the busy mix.
I think it boils down to becoming selfless and serving each other, on both sides. If they, as grandparents, are being selfless they'd be helping us out and getting to know their grandchildren. And if we, as parents, were to think of their needs and try to serve them, we may get to know them better. Who knows? They may truly be overwhelmed with many things in their lives and they feel visiting family is an extra luxury they can't find the time for right now. If we can somehow take an extra burden off their shoulders, they may find the extra time needed to spend with family and even feel our compassion and love and, in turn, be more understanding of our problems and needs, as well. It's a win-win if we serve!

You already have some great advice, so I'll keep this short. I don't think you should say anything. It would most likely just cause tension. As many have said, some people aren't the "sterotypical" grandparents. I talk to my mom multiple times a week, she lives close and I know she loves my 3 kids, but in 5 years she has only watched them 3 times. She's there for all the big events and the kids love to spend time with her, but she is a busy woman. She's also retired and loves to travel. She shows the kids she's thinking of them by sending postcards and I think that's great. Accept the time your in-laws spend with the kids and make the most of it. You don't have to spend every moment with someone to feel close to them as your one son has shown. I always invite my mom to whatever extacurricular activities we do and if she comes great, if not that's fine too. I don't take it personal and neither do the kids.

If you feel something more must be done, let your hubby do the talking and make it casual or they may get defensive. Remember, they actually aren't doing anything wrong, you just want more time. So keep things light so they will actually want to spend more time around the family.

Good luck and congratulations on your kids having wonderful grandparents that love them!!

I have never responded to the questions I've seen here, until today. Coming from someone who has been married 16 years and has a 13 & 12 year old, trust me and just let it go. I went through a period of bitterness toward my MIL for the same reasons you describe. We can't expect our MIL's to be like our own mother's would be (my mother would have smothered my children if she lived so close!) My advice is to just accept her for how she is. Create your own support system to be there when you are desperate for help- friends, neighbors, etc. By asking a neighbor for help years ago, I opened the door to one of the most precious friendships I've known. By having expectations for your MIL, you are only causing yourself more stress. It's not worth it! Instead of stressing over it, you should feel sorry for her. She has two wonderful grandchildren who adore her, and how sad for her that she doesn't take advantage of how close they are. I hope I don't sound too harsh. She is the one losing out here. Hope that helps a little. Feel free to email me if you want to chat.

I think speaking to them about their lack of enthusiasm will cause tension. Instead, invite them along on day trips, coming over, making dinner/lunch. Call them and make plans with them.

Consider too, sometimes some people are just not kid-people, for whatever reason. At their age, they may actually find it difficult to take care of such small children. Staying busy may be a way for them to avoid what they simply can't handle.

You can control the situation, if they decline an invite, email them pics of whatever you do. Have the kids draw pictures and send them off to the inlaws. Sometimes, that's the only way to get them involved, and it will just be on the surface. But, they will stay connected, whether they want to or not. Though it may not be the relationship you'd like, its truly better than none at all.

Don't bring it up. That would be rude and quite presumptuous. The only problem here is that your expectations are WAY too high, and now you are mad about it because your in-laws are not living up to your high expectations. Totally unfair of you. Seems like a lot of the responding mommies have the same high expectations. We, as parents, always want the very best for our kids. But an important lesson we all must learn is that "the perfect life" is an impossible dream. Life isn't perfect or even close to it. Too much is out of our control, and part of maturity is realizing that we cannot control all aspects of our children's lives, and we cannot control other people. They are who they are. The only person we can control is ourself. You need to work on yourself and your own bad attitude towards this situation. It is not an uncommon situation, and it is not a bad one. But it is a situation that does not meet your expectations. You need to accept the situation for what it is - deal with reality - and get on with your life. Stop thinking that your mother-in-law has let you down, because she has not. Why did you assume she would be around to help you with your kids when you felt you were "desperate for help"? She is not a nanny or a babysitter. She is your husband's mother. She is done raising her kids and is under no obligation to help you with your kids. They are your children. They are your responsibility.

Knock off the bitterness and resentment and accept your in-laws for who they are ~ wonderful, loving grandparents who have limited involvement in your life. As others have mentioned, you may want to try to institute a monthly lunch or dinner date, work your way onto their schedule. If it works out, great! If not, oh well. You need to realize that the problem is within you. You are expecting more than they want to give. That doesn't make them bad people or bad grandparents. It just means that your expectations were too high. You need to accept them for who they are, do away with your expectations and negative feelings, and enjoy the times you do spend with them.

I'm a little jealous. My in-laws would take my son overnight with them every weekend (or more) if they could! Don't get me wrong, I am definitely grateful to have them and let them have our son to give us breaks, but geez! They've had him overnight about once a month since he was 5 weeks old (but ask for him much more frequently than that). He is VERY attached to them, which is great because it makes me feel more secure about leaving him with them, but it also makes me a little jealous and insecure when he asks for Grandma.

I guess my point in all of this is that this seems a little bit like "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" type of situation!

Hi K.-WOW, you pretty much described my exact situation with only a couple of differences. Sadly, I noticed several other moms in the same boat. Frankly, I think we should form a club so we can all get our frustration out ;)

In my experience, I found that I had to reach a place where I simply acknowledged that my in-laws were never going to change and that there was no mal intent on their part. They're just selfish. I mean they love their grandkids, but they also don't want to be inconvenienced. (vacations, church & get togethers w/friends) And although its been very painful for me, I've had to learn that it is not intentional and that they are just different. Moreover, I feel sorry for them because they don't realize what they miss out on. One thing that helped me tremendously with that was to talk to my husband about how HE felt. Most of the time I was seething & ranting to him and he pretty much remained quiet. I finally told him that him staying quiet made me feel like he didn't care & that furthered my resentment. He explained that he was dissapointed & embarrassed with his parents and that he'd stopped hoping for them to be different. He said he didn't think it helped to get all upset & that he'd kind of written them off to a degree. But once he explained that it WAS hurtful to him as well and that he also felt angry about the situation that helped calm me down. I don't know, before there were times when I felt like maybe I was crazy for being upset and once I knew he was on the same page with me I was better able to let go of the hurt & dissapointment. Of course I still have moments where I want to scream at them, but not nearly as often.
We did try to talk to them several times and they just did not get it. Every time it was as if we were speaking Chinese to them. So we just accept their limitations and tell ourselves that our energies are better spent on other stuff rather than brooding over them. But I for one am totally for speaking your mind in a constructive manner. At least you'll feel like you got things off your chest. If they don't react well, that's their problem. It still hurts from time to time, it still pisses me off to no end sometimes and it still makes me shake my head sometimes, but in the end I had to figure a way to let go of that anger towards them because I was getting really bitter.
I'm sorry you're having to experience this, though its really a relief to know I am not alone and I hope what I've said helps in some way. If you'd ever like to call and just rant I'll be happy to listen :)
Take care & good luck!
N. Forbess
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First off - don't email. It's too impersonal and you can't gauge her reaction and adjust your tone or give her a smile... don't email.

We live about 6 miles from my in-laws and we have a standing dinner date. Every Tuesday, we go over there or have them over at our house and have dinner and hang out for a little while.
Instead of approaching your MIL with your concern about her priorities, which would probably make her feel attacked etc., call her to say that your family would like to spend some time with them and suggest the weekly dinner idea. Be proactive instead of complaining that she isn't.
Hope this helps!

We all have such different personalities. Such different prioreties. So many different choices that we all make as we choose how to spend our time. Clearly your in-laws have dedicated themselves to their church. I imagine (based on their current choice) that this has always been a priorety that they are finally able to act on in a big way. I've heard of some people who figure that once they have raised thier own children they don't have a strong desire to spend time with children. In the moment I am tempted to be the same way. (I'm a mother of two with my spouse in the military.)

If your boys both want to spend time with the grandparents you can pass on thier request. You can also tell your boys that they are welcome to tell grandma that they want to spend time with her. Perhaps you could ask to visit every fourth Tuesday or something. However, no mater what you choose you and your boys should all know that you can't judge love based on gifts or amount of time spent together. Write letters, send email, make art, leave phone messages. Your family can express their love in any and all ways you wish. Just don't expect to get the same in return. Loving others and showing your love to others is a gift you give them.

I can totally relate to you on this, but in my case it was my own mother. When I first had my daughter I had to call every week to see if they were going to see her that weekend, only to be told at least twice a month for various reasons. Then when my daughter was about 6 months old my MIL moved in with us and my husband and I both thought my mom would make more time for her. This did not happen. She was always so busy and had way too many errands to run to take my daughter with her. But she was really jealous over the time my MIL got to spend with my daughter, even though my daughter would attach herself to my mom when she saw her and would always want to go with them when we did see them or would not want to come home when she went to their house. Like you I was becoming VERY bitter over this, not really understanding why she would say she loves her so much but does not want to see her very often. We live in the same town and at one point even lived right around the corner and they would still only see her once or twice a month. When I tried to talk to her about it, she put it all off on me. She said I was always so busy, so in turn my daughter was busy. Or she was always with my MIL or my husbands family. None of this was true but it was what she beleived and in the end nothing got resolved at all, if anything it only pushed me further away. And my poor dad was just kind of caught up in the middle. Every time I would talk to him on the phone he would ask a million questios about her so I knew this was all on my mom. I sat down with my husband one night and talked to him about all of this and he basically said "she will be the one to miss out". Our kids are only this age once and if you get so caught up in other people you will miss out too. I know it is hard and you want them to be around for your kids and not for you but don't get so caught up in it that you can't enjoy little moments. Also maybe your husband should try to talk with her first, maybe it will make her take a step back a see what she is doing, then maybe she will come to you to talk with you about this. I hope everything will work out for you and your family. Good Luck!!

Dont be bitter. Have pity. That's the kind of person she is. You can't change it. Just be polite and send her written invitations when you have an event, and always send a proper thank you card when (if) she ever gives gifts. You have to let it go and let her be. Its very sad but try not think about it much and when you do, let it go like a helium balloon. You will be surprised at how people will always be around who are "like" grandparents. Don't be afraid to make friends with old people, especially if they love to be around kids.

Hi K.,

I have a couple of ideas on the subject.....one, have your older son write letters and mail them to your MIL/FIL about how much he enjoys his time with them. It will probably be most effective coming from him. Secondly, if that doesn't increase their interaction, look for substitute grandparents.

My children's grandparents have chosen to show little interest in them, so I have surrounded them with people who really want to be with them, but are not relatives. Although it is painful to go without the grandparents, you can still enrich yours and your children's lives with relationships.

Best wishes!

The in-laws time is their's. They've raised their children and are not obligated to babysit, anyone's child. I would just schedule a few outings for the boys and surround them with people that really care. Let the in-laws go. Don't say anything negative around your children about the in-laws. Although you don't like how it's going, don't taint their relationship. Schedule and keep moving. I'm sure there are better things to focus on than non-caring people. That's my two cents.

Same situation. My husband just got after my MIL two days ago but this has been an on going problem even with my BIL's family. She has ignored their kids for years too. I have given up. When she is around she is a lovely grandmother but her friends always come first. My husband has told me that he and his brother have always been her parent from the time they were kids so it just isn't worth it. Just forget that they are around and hopefully your husband has the nerve to speak his mind about it to them.

Good Luck!

I have been through a similar situation in my own family with my MIL. My MIL has five children and favors one daughter's children more than any of the other ten grandchildren. I noticed when she was around the grandchildren that she catered to these two and virtually ignored the others, especially if they were older than 10. I made the comment to her once that she might benefit from spending 1:1 time with the older grandchildren and get to know them better. To give you an example of what I am talking about, my stepdaughter is almost 18 and has never had the experience of cooking anything or baking cookies with her grandma. I just think that is sad, because when I was a child, we spent lots of time with one set of our grandparents, just doing simple things. My in-laws are a lot like yours. I don't begrudge them going on trips, hanging out with their church friends, etc. While I wish they did spend more time with all the grandchildren and not focus so much on the other two, I have come to accept that that is the way it is. We moved away (across the country) from the town my in-laws reside in about a year ago. I try and send them cards with the kids' pictures in them, etc and call once per week to try and keep a good relationship with them. Even though it might not be what you want to hear, I think you should just let this go. Keep having a good relationship with your mom and send her letters and cards from the kids. Maybe the other grandparents (your MIL and FIL) are nice people but just not used to being around little kids anymore or desire to spend their retirement without having to babysit so they can enjoy themselves. You can't begrudge them of that. Just don't force the issue and find the support for your kids elsewhere through friends or other family members. Don't be bitter about it. Maybe bring your inlaws some drawings done by your older child for them to hang on their refrigerator, or give them recent pictures to bring on vacation, etc. Invite them to school activities for your kids. Just do whatever you can to encourage contact, but don't confront them or anything (the reason I say this is because if you confront them, they might become very angry and not want to have contact with your husband and you for a long time...this also was something that happened on my side of the family.) Whatever you decide to do, good luck in your situation.

I know exactly how you are feeling. What I did was actually go to my MIL's house every saturday for a couple months straight. My son got so attached that when we couldn't make it I would have my son call her on the phone to talk, which would break her heart, and then all of a sudden she starting calling him, coming to our house, and picking him up to go to the park on her own. I think she just wasn't used to spending time with him that she didn't see what she was missing so I kind of gave her a push.

Yes you should talk with your MIL and FIL. Tell them how you feel but not confrontationally, just metion how your parents enjoyed them and how they wish they were closer to your boys. My in-laws lived 17 miles from us and loved my girls but too were into their church and politics and anything else until I spoke to them about how I felt. I am glad I didn't waste time because MIL passed away from cancer in 2004 and FIL passed away in 2006 both at young age(early 70's) but they did enjoy their grandchildren while they could. Bless you and your family and hopefully the in-laws will come around.

Communicating is never rude or presumptuous (in my book) as long as it is open. Which means: be open to the possibility that they have their own thoughts on this matter and have maybe been biting their tongue for reasons of their own.

In the future, maybe your kids and in-laws can find just one activity that they consistently do and enjoy together. This could be as simple as going out for soft serve or having a weekly movie night together. If your hope is for your kids and in-laws to develop a lasting, meaningful relationship, something this small and consistent should do the trick--and be fun and manageable for your in-laws, to boot. Good luck!

I totally sympathize! I have in-laws which are the SAME way.
Only they live in Europe. They didn't even come to our wedding 11 years ago, and NEVER came to see my children when they were born. NEVER ever even tried to come and visit us. They don't even call or write or e-mail... they only MAYBE call once a year at Christmas. And my Hubby's Mom NEVER calls herself... he always has to call her. Go figure.

My Hubby, is pretty disgusted by their selfishness too. They always tell US to come and visit them... which we did, twice already. BUT the travel costs are extremely expensive and we can't afford that, being a family of 4 now. They simply do not understand, or don't care to.

It is also so rude... to my own family, that they don't come here and pay respects to MY family... for treating their son so well ALL these years.

Well, there is no excuse for them. Sorry just venting here. We tried and tried to get them to come and visit us, but they won't or keep making excuses. My MIL is in fine health, and Hubby's 3 brothers make no attempt either. Selfish is the word.

Anyway, just venting. Would like to see what the others say.

Take care, I know how frustrating it is. But, you can't "change" the minds of some people.

All the best,
Susan

HI K.,
I sympathize with your situation. I to have a MIL who doesn't spend any time with her grandkids. There are 6 of them (including my 16 month old girl). 2 of them live 10 miniutes away and 3 of them live 45 minutes away. And I LIVE with my MIL. For example, my MIL still works and leaves the house at 6:45 am. We were up at 6:15. The only words she spoke were, "good morning." Oh she said "Hi Alex" (my daughter)
She left the house without even saying goodbye to me or her granddaughter. I was mad that she didn't say anything to her.
This is a daily occurance for us. My daughter doesn't even have a real relationship with her.....
Isn't that sad??? When I talk to my parents about it, they just tell me that it is her problem. She is loosing out on precious time. My parents also live far awy. Fortunatly, my parents come to visit at least 4-5 times a year. They don't understand how my MIL could not spend any time with the grandkids. I know she loves everyone, but it just seems like she is in her own world.
So I just leave it alone. We will only be living her for another year. (to help her out since my FIL died)
We will move, and my daughter will hardly ever see her. Not that it matters......
If it bothers you that much, then Iwould gently expalin that you wish they spent more time with your boys. Or just start inviting them to more outings with your family. Can't hurt to try. At least you know you have done everything in your power to bring them closer.
Good luck. If you want to talk, my email is ____@____.com
M.

Hi K.,
Gosh, what a frustrating situation...I should know because I'm in the same boat. My MIL lives about a mile away, and spends all of her time with friends, vacations, and facials. She'll see my son only about once every 2 months. What I hate most is the show that she puts on..."grandma loves you most!!", etc. Family friends are always saying to me "I bet she's over all the time!"...or "she must spoil him rotten". HA! What a joke! I personally am choosing not to say anything, because I know that it would make things much worse. She's not the type of person who will genuinely take our feelings into account and try to change for the better. She would probably make an effort to change, but then be extremely bitter about it and then talk to all of her friends about how horrible we are to her. I guess it just depends on what type of people your in-laws are.
Best of luck, and please keep us updated :)

My in laws are the same. They live 15 minutes away and make no effort to see our child but do prefer another grandchild. At first I took it personally but now I don't. My mother in law was a bad mother as well ( my husband was raised by his grandmother and father) and I take it with a grain of salt. I feel my daughter has enough people that love her and she doesnt need someone like that in her life anyways. I told my husband (and her agrees) that we are not going to make an effort anymore...even for holidays. I wrote her an email confronting her on the issue and she made an effort to see her last week (big deal..Im over it) I shouldnt have to tell her to see her grandchild and you shoudnt either. If you want you can do as I did and confront them but Im not saying it will last long. Good luck! I know how you feel.

All I can say is, invite her over pretty often (once a week for dinner) and also to any other stuff (T-ball games, preschool events, sunday school performances, etc) that the kids are involved in. You can invite her to have a picnic at the park with you while the kids play in the playground so she can spend time pushing them on the swings. Here is the tricky part - EXPECT that she will say no and that she has other plans. My parents are very similar in that their retired lives are very full with volunteer work and events with their close friends. If you are persistent and continue to call and extend invitations, they will eventually have to say yes. Remember, this is about the boys having a relationship with their grandparents - not about you feeling rejected. It is really hard, but don't expect any help from them, I guess they have already shown that they do not feel that helping is their role.

From your post, it seems that the interactions that you would like for them to have with your kids are at their home. I guess you just have to think creatively about different places and ways that your boys can spend time with grandparents. Maybe you can get your son excited about some craft project or having a lemonade stand or any other random thing and call your MIL telling her that you'd like to schedule some time with her/them for that purpose and that little man is so excited to do it with them at your home. You can handle everything yourself, just keep extending the invitation for them to interact with you and they will start to "schedule you in" to their busy schedule. Good luck - I know that it is hard.

Hi K.
I think that if it bothers you (it would bother me) you should invite them over to your house a few times and then maybe mention how much your kids like spending time with them.
Or maybe tell them directly how you feel? (especially since your parents live far away).
Either that or you have to let it go. try not to dwell on it. It will make you feel worse....
I don't know if this was to any help =)
but good luck to you

-s

Hello K.,

I am in the total opposite situation, my husband and I don't want our son to have any relationship with my MIL & FIL! And they only live about 6 miles from us. But, ILs want to take our son, watch him, take him to Disneyland (we all have passes) etc.. But, we don't let them. My MIL has not been supportive of our marriage of 8yrs and has cause alot of problems for our relationship. She has even said and done somethings to my son just to hurt us. So, that is why there will not be a relationship with my ILs. We do see them on holidays (mainly a day before or after the holiday) and when my SIL comes to visit.

But, anyways about your situation. I would have your husband talk to his parents about it. Or if your relationship is good with your ILs then both of you talk to them about it. And without the children present.

Our counseler, yep my ILs have caused so much trouble my husband and I saw a marriage counseler, but she said that my husband should be the one to speak to his parents when there are problems and I should speak to my parents when there are problems.

Hope this helps and Best of Luck,
M.

I can't imagine what that would be like. I am very sorry that it is like that for your boys.
If they are such scheduled people, then maybe you need to talk to them about every other fri night (or what ever day you agree on) your kids go to grandmas and grandpas house for a few hours or over night.
Lock them in, schedule it!!
I would share my feelings with them. But then that is just me. My MIL is very to herself and has RA, so she is limited on what she can do because of the crippling effects of her RA. So she didn't come around much. I talked to her and let her know that no matter what we all love her and enjoy her being around. So now we have dinner at our house every wed night. She brings over the food and i cook while she sits and hangs with the kids.
Good luck to you.
Take care
B.

Hello K.,
My situation is somewhat like yours too. My Inlaws live like two blocks away from us and we always have to make an effort to see them. Every Sunday we always have to go to their house. When we can't go cause of our daughter falls asleep they won't come over or they ask us to wake her so we can go over. From when we found out we were having my daughter she had told us she would only babysit for emergencies. So my husband and I have not been out by ourselves in almost 3yrs. My parents are out of state so they only see my daughter once a year if that. When they do they want to spend every minute with her and they are always calling to talk to her. Things were even more weird when they found out we were having a girl (they wanted a boy) they already have 2 grandaughters that they barely see also. My MIL doesn't really know how to act around the girls cause her excuse is she raised three boys and she knows not how to raise girls!? But not to get too into my dilema, I really don't think you should worry about it so much. They will not change and it would prabably cause some tension in the family. I know how that goes!!! Just try to enjoy your family and have fun spending time with your boys. Maybe they will come around and see how much they are missing. My husband is finally seeing the light on his parents, so we are on the same page now. Hope it works out for ya.....

Wow - you have a ton of responses... This may have been mentioned already but...

I do not believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think the longer she goes without seeing your little guys, the easier it is to go without. Why don't you tell her that you and your husband need to establish a date night for the sake of communication. Ask her if she'll babysit every Thursday night for a couple hours. Hopefully, seeing the kids and bonding with them will bring that maternal instinct out and she may even make arrangements to see them more often. Try to let her watch the kids during their "best" hours. After nap - when happy and playful.

Ask your husband when his mom was most involved in his life. Maybe she can teach their Sunday School class. Maybe there is bbq or park day with the church and she wants to bring the kids. They could be involved in her life rather than she be involved in theirs... does that make sense?

I'm sorry your children are having this issue. I assure you it is bothering you more than them. They already have the two care-givers they love the most - mommy and daddy!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be very heartbreaking.

First off, if anyone is going to approach this subject with your in-laws, it HAS to be your husband. You can be with him if you want, but he needs to be the one leading the conversation. They're his parents, so this is his area of expertise. But prepare yourself in case they don't see the light like you're hoping they will.

Also, remember that his parents have already done hard time parenting and might be ready to be done with the work. And you know that it is hard work, even when the kids are behaving. It's physical, it's mental and it's constant. They may enjoy your kids tremendously but just not have the stamina anymore to care for them. It's a hundred times more taxing and draining than church meetings and vacations.

Also, if your MIL is the type who needs everything scheduled way in advance, then you just need to accept that that's how she is. At her age, she is not going to change the basic ways she lives her life.

Do you ever invite them over for dinner or holidays? That way they could spend time with the kids without having to be ones doing the heavy lifting, so to speak. Perhaps they feel like you only want them around for free babysitting. I don't know - I'm just hypothesizing, but I've certainly seen it happen before.

My story is that my hubby and I both have major issues with his mom. It's a long, sad story that I won't go into now, but she has not been good to us. But she's always been great to our girls, and our girls love her, so we don't keep them apart. We still have her over to our house for every birthday, holiday, etc. In fact, that's how we keep my husband's side of the family together. We host every single holiday at our house. It's a ton of extra work for me, but it's worth it for my girls to have close contact and a relationship with all their relatives. We have come to the place where we just accept all his mom's enormous flaws because we know that she will never change. She talks a good game about how she wants to have the girls over to her house, but when the kids come home they tell us that they just sat and watched TV for hours. Her story to us is how exhausted she is from watching them "all day" (4 hours). Sad. Clearly not everyone is up to the task of caring for little kids.

Are your in-laws missing out on something extraordinary? You bet they are. You know them best, so you know if there is any chance of them reacting favorably to a serious, sit-down talk about how you and your hubby feel. If you think it might help, then do it. But don't get your hopes up, just in case. They're old and often that goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to change.

Best of luck to you and your precious boys.

It sounds like your in-laws are enjoying the place they are in life now. I look forward to that stage of life myself! Since they schedule things and are very busy, I would ask them if you can make a "standing date," maybe once every two weeks (I would personally prefer at least once a week, but that might be a little overwhelming for them to fit that into their schedule at first). Maybe every other Friday morning, or whatever day/time you prefer, be flexible so it could work for them, too. If you see them start to look anxious or non-commital, maybe ask for once a month, and just explain that their grandkids love them and long to spend time with them.

I would not voice your frustration to them. I don't think that would be helpful. Just as all parents are unique, all grandparents are unique, and though it may be frustrating and upsetting if they do not want to spend a lot of time with their grandchildren, that is their prerogative. I have frustrations with my children's grandparents, but I have no right to demand anything from them. They did their job raising their own children, and now they can choose to have their own style of grandparenting.

My parents live only 3 miles away from us and we do not see them nearly as often as we would like. And I wish my mom could help more, especially when my husband is gone so much (he's a Marine) but I have no right to demand anything of her, she does not owe me anything. She raised 7 kids over 41 years and she's tired! (the youngest just turned 18) She also has 8 other grandchildren besides my 2 and she has to divide her time among all of them, as well as have her own life. She adores her grandchildren and longs to spend time with them, but sometimes the demands of her life and her health do not allow for that. I have 3 sets of in-laws (my husband has a "family forest" as we call it) and they all live several hundred or thousand miles away, all over the country. We only see them once or twice a year, at best.

If I do have "wishes" about what the grandparents would do, I try to stop it right there and put it out of my head. I don't believe it is my place to decide how they should "grandparent." I just try to keep my kids thinking about them by talking about them and looking at pictures, sometimes talking on the phone, and that is that. And I try to be thankful for everything that they do to be involved, however small. My kids love all of their grandparents, even the ones they see only once or twice a year. It's not the way I wish things were, but we make the best of it.

I hope this helps! :)

I know how you feel, but it's my parents that are missing out. They live 2 miles if that from us and have not gone to any games or school functions. The only thing they say to the boys are "Hello, how are you? How's school?" They don't know them. It really does hurt but I do have my mother and father in-law that are very close to them and they live 15 miles from us. They attend their games almost every weekend and stay all day for tournaments. I don't say anything because I know things won't change. They aren't close to one of my sister's kids but the other sister my mom worships so she is close to her son. I couldn't imagine playing favorites with my boys grandchildren. I guess this experience will only make me a better grandmother. What can we do? They are the ones that are missing out. I have distanced myself now from them. I speak to them maybe once a month. Sad I know, I've learned to be a better parent and grandparent by their actions. I hope your mother-in-law wakes up and visits with your boys. Good Luck.

K.,
not worth talking to your MIL about, you can't make her want to be around your kids. All you can do is love them yourself. I have the same problem with my MIL, she is not interested in our 2 daughters. It puzzles me everyday, but that is who she is.

Hi K.,

I understand where you are coming from, but reversed. My own mother is not too interested in spending time with my children (but my father loves it). They live 400 miles away, so on the rare occasion (maybe once or twice a year) that we do get together, it drives me crazy to see her ignoring the grandchildren and being more interested in fixing her computer problems. I know my mom loves them and there is nothing my parents wouldn't do for their grandchildren if they need help. That being said, I've heard enough complaining from my mom about my brother and SIL (they live about 2 hours away from my parents) to know where she is coming from. And because of this, I absolutely refuse to ask my parents for help, unless there is no other alternative. (Aside from that, my husband and I believe that we should be able to manage on our own, or we shouldn't have had kids in the first place. But yes, extraneous help is always appreciated.)

My bro and SIL's actions, or rather inactions, have actually been their downfall. They never (truly, NEVER) call my parents for any other reason than to ask them to babysit the grandkids. The grandchildren are not taught to acknowledge my parents (or anyone else for that matter) when they arrive for a visit. They are not encouraged to speak to the grandparents on the phone. (As a parent, I have firsthand experience of how difficult this can be. However, that is my job - to teach them and guide them, not let them do as they please all the time.) There is a lot more, and I don't need to air the dirty laundry. After so many years of being taken advantage of and being unappreciated, my mother has finally washed her hands of them. And no, I am not being biased and my mother is not exaggerating. I see the situation as it is.

You also need to consider your MIL's life history. That will help you understand who she is as a person and what is driving her.

My mother married very young (arranged marriage, can you believe it?). She immediately became pregnant and spent the next part of her life raising kids, working round the clock, etc. We didn't have much growing up, but we had each other. My father was a chef (incredibly long hours). My mother worked in the canneries (seasonal and also incredibly long hours). Later, we started a family business (even longer hours). We didn't have vacations and all the little luxuries. Everything my parents worked for was to create a better life for my brother and me. Now that my parents are retired, I believe that my mom would like to enjoy her life for a change. She deserves it. And so does my father. They have both done more than any parent should, and that is where their responsiblities end. This is the time when they should be taking their vacations and rediscovering each other and enjoying their lives. So, when I see my mother ignoring the kids, I try to remind myself that she has been there, done that, and now she wants a life of her own. I respect that.

To be honest, your in-laws sound pretty wonderful. They spend time with the grandkids. They love the grandkids and vice versa, and everyone has an all around great time at get togethers. They live their own lives and aren't dependent on you for everything. They basically don't intrude or meddle in your lives. They have been there, done that, and don't want to do it anymore. Now they play and give the kids back, as it should be. They aren't responsible for your children. You and your husband are. Be grateful for such a fantastic scenario.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear....

R. S

Um, could it be she just doesn't like kids all that much? She gets along so great with them when she sees them because it isn't often? Your kids are much better off not being with someone who can't tollerate kids very well. Maybe that move to be with your family would be a great idea if you could swing it. I don't think after all this time she wants to change. And if seeing your children doesn't bring joy to her eventully it won't to them either.

Well, it depends on how you might handle things if they don't go well. Would it mean that your in-laws would spend less time with the children? My best advice is to say nothing. Maybe, if he chooses to, your husband could speak to his parents. Really though, saying nothing is probably your best bet. Remember, you can "lead the horse to water...." I have had the same issues with my own parents and, after seven long, frustrating years, have learned to accept it. Best of luck to you.

If anyone talks to them it should be your husband since they are his parents.
They are missing out but that's their choice. Maybe try scheduling activities with them months in advance more often? If that doesn't work then let it be or have your husband work it out with them.
Good luck! Sorry for the rotten situation...try not to let it hurt you too bad since some contact is better than none.

Dear K.,

I know exactly how you feel. My own mother did this very same thing to me and my children. She showed lots of attention and devotion to my sister's daughter. I don't know why and it hurt me very much. My advice to you is to not say or do anything, except to call them to come for lunch or ice cream or something like that once in a while. Send them pictures of the children, and just suck it up. It has been many years now since all of that has happened, but I still remember it very well. It is a shame when this happens, but I assume it doesin many families.

Continue trying to keep the bond sweet and clear and uncluttered. Maybe it can be strengthened by your devotion to having your children have a good experience with their grandparents near their home. I would hope that you do not make yourself miserable over this. We just can't get people to do things sometimes. Prayer will help you and will help the situation too. But, do not try to force. It just won't work. I took a class one time and the teacher kept going to the wall to try to push it 'down'. She mentioned that she just couldn't get that wall to fall down, no matter how much she wanted to be able to do it. Finally, I got the message, I couldn't get people to do things that I felt were right and important and the moral thing to do with pushing. So I started trying to guide and show by example, sometimes it works, sometimes not at all, and sometimes a little bit.
We just have to lead our own lives using our own personal values, and let other people learn their own way, or not.

God loves us with the same passion that we love our children, but he set us free, with a hand offered for help and guidance, it is up to us to take his hand and his guidance. I have 'talked' enough. Bye for now, C. N.

hi K.,

i am a grandma & my 3 yr old grandaughter is the apple of my eye. if 4 days go by that i have not seen her i have withdrawls!!! i have to see her even if it is just to meet her & her my daughter-in-law for a quick lunch. i need to hug her, look at her & see her smile then i am o.k. she runs into my arms every time we meet. i cannot imagine any grandmother not feeling this way however we are all different. i'm sure she loves them but may feel free of burdens for the 1st time in her life (being retired & no kids) & is enjoying being able to do what she wants, when she wants. i remeber when my kids were small my m.i.l. wanted us over her house all the time but refused to babysit. she would say, "no one watched my kids when they were little & now its your turn." i found that hard to believe, she coming from italy & all you expect the family to be tight however her mom passed away when she was only two years old so maybe that where she's coming from. i think you should sit your in-laws down and talk with them once & very sincerely (they may not realize what they are doing to hurt you.) & then let it go & enjoy life. you cannot force feelings onto people so focus on your own parents even if they are far away. let your kids call them on the phone to stay connected & drop them a line or a picture they drew. my father was not in my life for my kids & my mom died when i was a teen so my kids only know inlaws. make the most of what you have. i also have two step grandaughters (their real grandma passed when they were 1 & 5) that live a couple hours away but come stay with me all the time & when they do, they are given all my attention. i do the same for them as i do my own grandaughter. i take them out. buy them gifts, read to them, cook for them, babysit them, put my arms around them & cuddle them & tell them i love them. i will always be here for them & do anything for them like my own. i am the only grandma they will know on the moms side & i take that role seriously. when i pass away i want my grandkids to miss me & have fond memories to think on. (i am only 48 but hey, one day we all go!)i want to be a positive loving role model. i think i am a better grandma than i was a parent! hang in there & put the focus on your parents, they are deserving of it. (i did not mention my daughter-in-laws mother has only seen my grandaughter once. she is on the east coast & speaks no english (from honduras) but her & her daughter rarely speak to one another. they love each other but no contact. i dont get it!)
off to meet my grandaughter for lunch...bye, C.

I would not bring it up. She is doing all she wants to do, and all she is willing to do. She is the one missing out, so just feel sorry for her shallow existence in this world. Some people just are not "little kid" people and hopefully as they become young men she will have a larger interest in them. Sad, but her problem, not yours. I'd tell the boys that unfortunately Grandma and Grandpa have other plans....they'll figure it all out on their own without you having to point it out to them. Hugs.

K., I can't help but notice there is no mention of your husbands relationship with his parents. It sounds as if they are just as detatched with him. They may have history you aren't aware of. None the less, I feel this is an issue he needs to address with them. Is he interested in a closer relationship with them? That seems like the place to begin, moving on to you and the children once that is established. You can't circumvent their relationship. If there is no desire or trust between a son and his parents, it is not going to get better with you and the grandkids. I kknow your dissapointment with feeling rejected and seeing your kids rejected, but it has been my experience, that when family lets you down in this way, you will find someone, a friend or neighbor, that will gladly take their place with your kids. Adopting a "nana" is just as meaningful to your kids as a relationship with a blood relative you can't trust. Good luck.

I bet you they were not very family oriented when your husband was growing up. My in-laws spent every holidays with friends and my husband and his sister that was a young divorced single mother spent most holidays with my family even before we got married. When my father in law got cancer and thought he was going to die it was very important for him to be with family. Know he is cured and they always happen to be sick for holidays or the girls special events. My parents live one hour away and always come out for the special events and spend time with them or I make a point to take them. I never wanted either grandparents to help me or watch my kids I just want them to love and want to be with their grandkids. Why don't you schedule in advance (month) weekly lunches out or anything your in laws like to do even just once a month. Maybe they don't want to take care of kids anymore they have done their job already but may love spending time with them if you are still the care giver or just stop by and say hello. I don't think talking to her is going to help any I think it will only make things worse. So just call and say the kids would like to see you when would be a good time for all of us to come and see you I don't think she will say never. Best of luck

I know exactly where you are coming from! My in laws live three BLOCKS from my house and they rarely see my three kids, who are the only grandkids they have. The entire in law clan is like that. We all live in the same small town and the in laws see the kids on birthdays and holidays, which is about three times a year, since two of my kids have the same birthday. Anyway I have learned that this is just the way they are and to let go of my disappointments with them. I enjoy the time that they see the kids, they are all GREAT with the kids, love the kids. spoil the kids, and really enjoy them when they do see them. My family is the opposite, they tease me about hording my kids if they do not see them every three days or so! So I have just let the bitterness I fell about my in laws go, I had no choice, it was slowly ruining my feelings toward them when we did get together. I tell myself that the kids do not know what they are really missing out on since this is the way that this side of the family works, so its not like the kids saw them ALL the time and now they don't; it was this way from the begining. I also tell myself that I love the kids enough for 100+ people so the kids are not missing out on that affection. I say you might just have to let this one go, take what you can get when you get it, and love your kids. God bless and good luck, if you do decide to say anything or your husband does, let me know if it cahnges anything either for good of bad; if it works then I might just try it myself.

My advice and from personal experience that I won't go into is this: Let it go. She's doesn't feel she's missing out on anything and you saying something will probably make matters worse. Not all grandparents want to be involved. It's sad that your son wishes it were different but she is who she is and the sooner he (and you) learns to accept that, the easier things will go. Your expectations are unfortunately too high. I feel for you...we've just past 3 years since having our last contact with my in-laws because I couldn't keep my expectations VERY low and my big mouth shut. Good luck to you.

K.,

I've never had your problem. My kids grandparents have always been very involved, but I think that if I were in your shoes, I would begin by trying to draw them out subtly. In matters like this, I feel that keeping the peace is definitely very important since you still spend holidays and such with them. I think that maybe just bringing it up subtly could help/couldn't hurt- it wouldn't have to be confrontational as much as conversational.

Since you say she likes/wants to have everything scheduled, I immagine you never do impromptu visits. I think something like that might catch their attention. I would call the night before or even that morning and ask if they're not doing anything would it be OK to come by for a short visit since their grandsons really want to see them. At a time when you are comfortable during your visit, you might begin by making comments to them about how much your kids love them and how your older son always talks about and wants to spend time with them. You could even make a gentle request by asking something like, "If your schedule allows, do you think maybe we can schedule weekly visits with you once or twice a week for _____? He/They would really LOVE that!"

Have you tried inviting them over to spend time with you and the kids during the week? Maybe invite them to come by for breakfast/brunch or lunch with you and the boys. If they feel that they're really wanted/needed maybe they'll reciprocate.

Good luck to you. I hope I've helped, even if it is in the smallest of ways.
-I.

K. - My heart goes out to you! My in-laws are quite the opposite but my father is quite similar to your MIL so I do understand and empathize with you. She is who she is and probably won't change, so work with her. Start planning monthly or bi-weekly date nights with your hubby, or your alone time where she/they can babysit. You could also tell her your older son really misses them and ask if we can set a regular schedule for them to be together, even if it for a short bit of time a few times a month. If she plans ahead then you'll need to schedule her ahead! If this doesn't seem to work, then recruit your husband to have a talk with them...if may be less threatening if it comes from him than you.

Its absolutly worth a converstaion. But under no circumstances should it be via email. Have your husband with you for support, or let him do it as they are his parents. The conversation needs to be in person.

Hi K.-

I have almost the identical situation. You can let your MIL and FIL know how much the boys love to see them, and you really want them to have a close relationship with them. You can also tell them they can have an open door relationship with the children and you would love if either once a week, every other week, or even 1x a month there was a date on the calendar which would be a special day for them to be with the kids either with or with out you. Be gentle, show she is welcomed, and then the ball is in her court. Based on what you said don't be confrontational, as you don't want her to have a relationship due to obligation, you want her to do it because it feels right.
My heart goes out to you, as I know my kids miss that my in-laws are so uninvolved in their lives too. My parents is just the opposite so I feel blessed to have them as part of the kids lives.
Good Luck
L.

Your MIL has raised her kids and most likely doesn't want to be stuck babysitting your kids all the time. Your expectations are probably based on your relationship with your grandparents growing up. Your MIL's relationship with her grandparents may have been different, we are all raised differently. However, if you sit down with her and let her know how much the kids love spending time with her and ask her if she could schedule more time with them, maybe she would, maybe if it was "family time" instead of babysitting, it would be more attractive. Better yet, the next time your son asks about spending time with his grandparents, have him call them and ask them himself, it might have more of an impact coming from him. But be respectful of her schedule and don't expect her to drop everything and be available at the last minute to watch your kids. Don't be surprised if she doesn't change her priorities. My ex's parents have not seen my kids since they were little, I don't know if they care to, but my parents have always been there for my kids and they are very close.

Much of the advice you've gotten is similar to what I have to say, so I'll try to keep it short. It probably wouldn't be helpful to speak to your MIL--I have a MIL who is very similar, with a packed schedule and little time for my kids. It used to bother me quite a bit, especially when she would do the whole "I don't see the kids enough!" routine. (Which never resulted in her taking the kids more often!) I came to realize that the other things she was doing (some professional obligations, other social) were important to her and that this is just who she is. Feeling angry about it only hurt me. My children are just going to have different relationships with all of their grandparents (my parents, my husband's mom and her husband, my husband's dad and his wife) because they are all different people who choose to spend time with my kids in different ways, which is actually a great way for my kids to learn how to form relationships with various kinds of people. I understand how you feel, having been there. If you feel that you absolutely need to say something, then at least have your husband by your side (or better, doing the talking!). Good luck!

I would not create tension between your MIL and yourself, but I would DEFINATELY tell your hubby to talk to his parents. I think it would be received completely different coming from their son. That's how I see it anyway. : ) If they are church going people, family should mean everything.

K., I only scanned a couple of responses and frankly I'm surprised that no one mentioned this. It has never occurred to me that my MIL should be calling me and/or trying to come over to see her grandchildren. I think you may have seen too many movies or too many commercials including the idyllic picture of grandparents immersed in their grand babies lives. Let me tell you that I can't wait for my senior years when I get to have my life back. I'll treasure visits with my grandchildren but I hope to have a lot of other things going on that I sacrificed while I was rearing my own children. My MIL expressed to me after 10 years that she wants me to bring my kids over more often. Notice....I bring them over.......I have always looked at it as my responsibility to bring them around because I am the new mother and she has earned her place of seniority and respect. Perhaps that is the perspective of your MIL. You say that your children love visiting with them and spending time there so they obviously love their grand kids. It seems to me that you have drawn a lot of conclusions without ever having spoken with her or her husband about it. You've held this inside to the point of feeling anger about it instead of communicating. A simple phone call and query would probably settle things. They probably don't even realize they've offended you. As I've mentioned it probably has nothing to do with not loving their grand children and everything to do with being in a place in their lives where they've done the parenting thing and are exploring new things. Thank goodness that they have their own lives instead of being deeply immersed in yours and your husbands! Look to them as inspiration.

My in laws are also lame like yours. And, from my experience it wont matter. I would have their son say something (then you aren't the bad guy). tell them directly the boys love you so much, and truly enjoy their granparents and invite them over on Sunday -or whenver. Is it more of a sitting thing? Do you want them to watch the kids? My blood used to BOIL about my inlaws...now I just do not deal with them. I do not expect anything from them. I know that they have NO IDEA how unhelpful they are. And it would hurt them if I directly said something. And, nothing would change. Try taking small steps. Expecting them to change their lives is unreasonable. But, maybe over time it can happen.

My mom who was the best in the world said to me, she has already brought up her children and has done her job-this shocked me. I always thought she was going to be this doting grandmother ready to watch the kids when ever I asked. What I suggest is bringing them over and you staying there too)for an hr or so once or twice a week)- I am sure they want to see them but they just may not want to be "required" to watch them for you. If you bring them by regularly they will grow more attached to them and asking them to watch them may become easier. They are trying to live their own lives now. Also your family from far away will go gaga over them, they never get to see them, but your in-laws know they can see them anytime. Sometimes people are just different. My MIL never had a problem watching the kids for us-but when I asked my own mom-it was like pulling teeth. So I brought them along alot under the guise of me wanting to spend time with my mom and that helped- she developed very close relationships with my kids and as they got older she saw them all the time(also, they may just not want to have to deal with babies). My kids are 21 and 17 now and are very close to their grandparents. As a matter of fact my 17 yr old son just moved back to their state to play hockey and they see him all the time, take him to dinner and breakfast and go to his games and bought him a car-it does change.
Just don't expect them to be available to "watch your kids" as of now. Good luck-it is frustrating.

I understand you very well. I have 3 children, 8 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old. My parents live about 10 minutes away. I know they love their grandchildren and buy them things visit for maybe an hour 1 to 2 times a week. At times, I have asked my mother to help with babysitting, but she says she will check her schedule and mind you she does not work anymore. I remember when I have had my children (all 3 c-sections) she has helped me maybe for about 2-3 days the most. She does say no to baby sitting sometimes. I took the courage to speak to her about it once and she was very honest and upfront and said that her time is valuable and her grandchildren as well, but she is now at the age where she is enjoying life, after working all of her life and now retiring. She wants to help but not raise my children. I was hurt but you know, I thought about it and maybe she is right. One day I will retire and want to enjoy things I am never able to do now. She can love her grandchildrena and have her life to. I don't think it a good idea to pressure someone to spend time with my children, because then it won't be a 'real' feeling or gesture, but it will be so I don't get upset. I think that maybe you should think about saying something, because if she tells you that she has her own things going on in her life, and loves your children, what else can you ask for. She might think you need a babysitter, because your a busy mom, and maybe she's not willing to be that. Good luck.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you since I am stuck in the same situation. My husband and I were just talking about this last night. My daughter is going to be turning 4 on Sat and they have watched her and my older son TWO times in those 4 years. Once for him and I to go out for our anniversary and the other time out of shear emergency when I had our baby at home and we both had to transfer for emergency care at the hospital. My husband is the youngest of five and all other grandchildren are much older then my kids (9, 4, and 6 months old)... the next oldest is grandchild for them is 20 yrs old. They now have great grandchildren as well so for them I think they are just done with grandchildren and have moved on to the role of great grandparenting. Not fun for my kiddos who would love more involvement but that is the way life goes. I am just thankful they have my mom, their Nana, in their lives to shower them with more love.

Sorry again that I don't have any advice. It has been good for me to read the other responses since I am in the same situation.

Wow - I feel like I wrote this myself!! Our situation is almost the same. My MIL feels she sees the kids since she stops by about every 3 weeks on the way home from some where for about 5 minutes (10 max). She can never stay since she just has to get home - groceries in the car, feed the dogs, etc. The few times I have asked for help when I really needed it, they are too busy.

Now if you ask her - she is very involved with the kids!! I haven't said anything as I feel it will just cause tension. I have just accepted that my idea of being involved is very different than their idea of being involved!!

Best of luck to you.

I wouldn't say anyting because you are just going to stir the pot and cause more problems. If anyone says anything it should be your husband since it is his parents. Also, if you say something they may shut you out completely and then your children won't have any kind of relationship with them.

Wow, you really touched a nerve with your question. And there's nothing I can add, I can only reinforce those ideas that I believe are the most valuable. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong. It is what it is. Repeat after me "it is what it is". They are limited people and they are not capable of any more than what they are offering.

I have not dealt with your same situation, but I did spend years angry with my MIL because she couldn't/wouldn't be the MIL I wanted her to be. I finally learned to focus on what she did have to offer and I remind myself that she gave me the man that I can't live without. I have adjusted my expectations and can now appreciate her good qualities. And more importantly, I don't drive my husband crazy anymore with my complaints about her. Men have a need to fix our problems and my husband couldn't fix his mother anymore than I could, so my complaining about her just made him feel bad.

They're not good, they're not bad. They are who they are. Learn to live with it.

My husband's parents are both deceased, so my boys won't ever get a chance to know their paternal grandparents. But if I were in your situation, I would talk to my husband about it and see if he felt the same way I do. I'd ask my husband to casually bring it up. Maybe he could say something like, 'the kids have been asking a lot about you. I know you're busy, but when can we all get together!'
Meanwhile, invite MIL and FIL to everything. 'Hey MIL, we're going to the park, why don't you join us?' 'Hey FIL, we're going to Chuck E. Cheese, next week, why don't you stop on by?'. If they do spend some time with the kids, gush about how much the kids love spending time with them and how they would like to do it more often, etc. After awhile, maybe the in-laws will realize that they haven't priotized their grandkids in their lives.

Good luck!

All I can say is that I'm in the exact same situation, except with my own parents!! Don't stress about confronting them, and try not to be bitter...because in the end THEY are the only ones who are losing out. Maybe become unavailable next time they want to schedule something and see how much they like it? Good luck!

K.,

This is a touchy situation. You and your hubby know them best so our advise might make it worse. Please think about this together before proceeding.

I'm agreeing with you. Why wouldn't you want to spend as much time as possible with these 2 cute little men. And make yourself the favorite grandparents.

But maybe she's not the mothering type. How many kids did she have? Did she have them simply because that's what we are suppost to do? Or because she absolutly loves babies and kids. Maybe she simply thinks that no-one helped her, or her parents didn't do this so she doesn't have too. Sometimes people do things because that's just the way they know, and they never thought outside the box to make it diffrent.

I would never leave my kids with my MIL and she is the closest real relative. But my kids have spent every holiday and Birthdays with my step mom. (I nannied for her) so she is really no relation. But I have called her mom since shortly after living with her (the daughter she never had). She is always the first one to the hospital to take the kids when the next one was coming, and you can tell that she truly loves them. MIL on the other hand is wierd, she always spends $20 to $40 at a thrift store for their birthdays, but buys things that are going to fit an adult or the wrong sex, or just wierd stuff. So really it's a waist because we just hall it back to the thrift store, if your lucky there is one thing you like. Plus when she watched my SIL kids she told them that their mother didn't love them because she was always leaving them. So not someone I trust with my kids, plus she is very unclean. At least you want her to be involved.

Here's my input, you and your hubby go over to their house to visit, talk to them like normal then tell them that there is something you would like to discuss and want to hear their input. Tell them that you love them and want them to know your little men better, let them know that your son requests time with them and you don't know what to say to him. Ask them if they are interested in scheduling a monthly or twice a month grandparent grandchild day/hourly visit. Something like the first and third Thursday of every month 2 to 4pm. This way it's always on the calendar. If they don't want the baby right now that's ok let him get a little older to have dates. Think of things they can do in this time frame like (make cookies, plant flowers, paint, sidewalk chalk, go to McDonalds, get ice cream, color, swimming at a public pool). Something that is just theirs. Please listen carefully to hear their words correctly so you don't go home with the wrong ideas. And don't be mad or angry if they say no, just ask for a reason. Like I said earlier maybe she is just glad hers are raised and she is done. Be greatful they are active in things they like. And remember you are diffrent then they are and your going to be the best grandparents their ever was. You can't change people you can only change yourself, so simply tell your son Grandma & pa are really busy right now in their lives, and maybe next time he sees grandma he can remind her how much he misses being with them. Maybe she will find time maybe she won't. Simply teach him that everyone is different and that he can make his mind up now to be better then them when he's the grandparent. Then there is nothing more you can do. They are what they want to be, priorities are diffrent to everyone. God Bless you with the best of luck. J.

If you approach it like 'what she's missing out on' you are definitely in for trouble / tension. You don't want to come off sounding like you are looking to drop the kids off and have a regular babysitter. Since it is so important to you, it is worth it to approach her by sharing that you would like to spend more time with them as a family (as opposed to her spending more time with the kids) and see if she how she feels about it - but don't get hurt if she feels differently which it sounds like you already know she does. Maybe you will be surprised and find she will feel like she doesn't want to intrude so she has given you your space, maybe she is enjoying her retirement time the way she wants...be prepared to learn and accept whatever you find. The advice from everyone about inviting them to more outings or mentioning that kids want to see them and miss them is great. Good Luck to you!

I've felt the same way with my parents. I just let it be. I didn't make any extra effort to show my kids pictures of grandparents, or talk about them. They miss out, plain and simple.

I am in the same situation except my parents also live close by and my mom can't go a week without seeing my son, who will be 1 year next week. My MIL who lives about 5 miles away has seen my son around 4 time since he was born besides from holiday family occasions.. It breaks my heart and really hurts my husbands feelings. Then at family occasions she takes off with him and walks or plays in a seperate room and I don't get to experience the holiday with him, very strange. I talked to her about it a month ago and she had excuse after excuse, like work, has to make dinner for her husband! She said well if you need help, not that you ask for help, call me. I made it very clear she doesn't need to wait until we need help to come around. I am a SAH mom and I rarely need a sitter, her schedule is unknown and always changing so I feel liek she is the onw who needs to contact me when she has the time. After our talk she made an effort one Sunday and came over for 2 hours, then had to rush home to make dinner! We haven't heard from her since. My mom says that she just has made up her mind that she doesn't have time. So sad she is missing out on so much, babies change everyday. Another little note her daugher who has 2 kids lives across the country. When she visits the MIL doesn't even take time off work!!!! And she is her own boss so she can, she chooses not to, very sad. So I end up entertaining my SIL so isn't alone. Very sad. So I would say you can say soemthing but I may not change things, she has her priorties set and very liekly won't change them

Well sounds like they are a bit self absorbed in all of the things THEY want to do. So, just don't count on anything from them. People have different priorities in their lives at different times. Yours now of course are your children. THEIRS may be to really enjoy NOT having any children around and their retirements. Accept that and don't count on them. They have already proven by living that close and not being involved that their interests lay elsewhere. It is them that are missing out on interactions with the kids, I would feel sorry for them that they are missing precious moments with their grandkids. When your son wants to see them, have him call them...it's rather tough to turn down your grandson. If they do and make a habit of being too busy I would tell them you will not call them any more. Actions speak louder than words.

Yes, this is worth talking about, but you may want to have your husband do it alone, representing the 2 of you.
my two cents,
J.

K.,

It sounds like the situation is really upsetting you. There's two sides to every story, which means your MIL may not want to spend time with them OR she may feel she doesn't want to interfere with your parenting. My parents and my in-laws have completely different relationships with my children. My parents see them weekly and always step in to help. My in-laws see them much more infrequently and I often feel I'm imposing when I ask for assistance. I know they love my kids, but my MIL never had assistance from her parents when raising my husband, so she doesn't have a good example of a healthy grandmother-grandchild relationship (or at least what I feel a healthy relationship should be). It's all perspective. Talking to her might help or what often works for me is writing it all down and reviewing it several times to phrase things positively - we really want our children to know their grandparents instead of negatively - it really hurts us when your priorities don't seem to include our boys.
I wish you well in your decision. Good luck.

I dont have any advise but I do offer my empathy. I have the same problem with my 4 kids and in-laws, except they live less than a mile away, have 4 other grandchildren they do spend a lot of time with and have no other time commitments (MIL) besides shopping, nails, socializing etc.. My FIL works in his defense but its similar in other respects. My kids are much better behaved than the other gkids and my husband and I have been no problem at all in comparison to SIL (drugs, divorce, drama---all in the past fortunately). My parents live 450 miles away and drive down about 5 times a year to see them and do everything in their power to be close to them. I will be reading the other posts trying to get some good advice myself. In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Its hard on parents who try to do a good job and need occasional relief from family members who are unwilling to support them. Hang in there!

I haven't read all of the emails in response to your query, but have you tried inviting your MIL to the zoo or the museum next time you take your kids?

We see my MIL just about every week because my husband and I invite her to join us and make the effort.I don't rely on her for "big" favors. I made friends in my neighborhood who help me with those.

Sometimes I wish it were different, but I think of the kids and how much they'll benefit from having known their grandmother. In the end, it won't matter who initiated the contact, just that contact was made.

Good luck. I feel your struggle, as I felt pretty lonely before we started to take the initiative. Of course, now I have a reputation in the family for being "controlling," so I now ask my husband to call his mom when it's time to invite her to something. If that's what it takes, so be it.

Take care,
A.

I can totally understand where you are coming from on this, but at the end of the day, it's really their choice.

Think of it this way, they may feel as if this is their time to enjoy life and part of that is that they choose and do the things they want to do.

It sounds as if they have full lives pursuing their church, interests etc. As far as the restaurant vs. having meals at the house, my mom prefers restaurants because she does not want to deal with the mess. What my sister and I do is that we offer to bring the food and help clean up afterwards, that way the kids can have quality time with their gandparents and my parents are not left with a ton of work after the visit.

My suggestion is that you may want to mention that the kids ask to see them frequently and miss them, so you would like to start scheduling visits with them. Since you know their calendar is busy, ask that they pencil you guys in, say once a month, and plan an activity or have them over to your house.

That way everybody wins, but since it seems to be bothering you and your husband, then I do think you need to take charge of coming up with creative ways to get everyone together. If you leave it up to them you'll continue the pattern and the bad feelings will continue to fester.

Good luck.

K., my heart goes out to you. I am in a very similar situation: inlaws 4 miles away, and they make NO effort. My son is 2, I am pregnant again, my husband is the youngest of 4, and these are their only grandchildren. When we told them about my first pregnancy, this was their response: "We asked Michelle (my SIL, apparently she was supposed to have kids first and we needed her permission) and she said it's ok." Um . . . wow. This time was really no different. It's heartbreaking to me. They will watch them if we ask, unless they're busy, but other than that, they make NO effort. And then they have the audacity to complain that they don't see him enough. It's as if when they do see him, they realize what they are missing. My husband wants us to just drop him off with them or ask them to babysit more, but my son is now 2, and is frankly terrified of them, because he doesn't know them.

Here's the thing: I've tried bringing it up. Doesn't do any good. It causes family feuds and bitterness, doesn't resolve anything, and then I'm just left feeling even more upset. It really depends on the type of people they are. Do you think they'd be receptive to you? Is it truly an oversight on their part that they'd be eager to fix? Or would you get blown off and told that it's in your head, and have matters be worse? How does your husband feel?

I feel your pain. My mother lives with us so my children see her all the time. She loves them and helps out while spoiling them. On the other hand my inlaws are devoriced and have no real time for their grandchildren. They both still work but even when I try to aggrange seeing them around their work and open time I still get shot down. My inlaws don't try to make it to birthdays, there is no family dinners, and they have never given my son who will be three in Oct. a birhtday present. They both just seem to forget and never bother to try to catch up. My MIL actually by snacks and makes blankets for coworkers rather than for her own grandkids. They get what snacks are left when they get to come over and have to ask her to make them a blanket. In fact while I was pregent with our last little one who is 5 months old to day she made 2 other blankets for coworkers who had family excepcting little ones after me and has yet to make the blanket that she said she would get around to makeing for our youngest daughter. I have stoped trying so hard to make it work. When they call I try to reagrange my life so that they can see them. Next week when school starts and soccer games begin every week it will be more difficult. I have said something and got no real reason or response. I would say if she couldn't make time before I doubt that she will see where you are comming from now. I wish you all the best and say that having one set of wonderful grand parents is better than none. If they are people who like to show off stuff I would rub it in this comming week by getting your parents a grandparents day gift and showing it to them with the comment that because the kids can't see them all the time this is something to remind them of the kids. A shirt with hand prints or thier picture on it is always great.