Hello Mamas,
My husband’s sister just got divorced recently. She is in her early forties, has not been working for more 10 years, and has no income at all. She said she would receive financial support from her now ex-husband, we don’t know how much and for how long. I was told by him that the support alone wouldn’t be enough with her trend of life. When I suggested helping her looking for a job, she brushed me off saying that she had hired a competent vocational counselor to help her find one that suits her. I feel guilty to be pushy but she seems quite reluctant and choosy. I really hope she could support herself soon. We have two teenagers to put through college and I have been working hard all my life to support my family. I want us to be the example for the kids about siblings taking care of each other, but at the same time I can’t stand my sister-in-law. She had refused to work for all these years (yes, she would say “it’s between my husband and me” when someone in the family mentioned about working) and didn’t want any kids. Her husband, a hard working and patient man finally gave up. I am afraid that when she uses up all the money she would get from him, we would have to take her in. That would be my worst nightmare. I have done it in the past-when she was between moving. I wonder how much and how long a divorce person would typically receive? The divorcees keep us at length all along about their decision and situation.
Thank you so much to everyone who took time to give advices. I realized that I worried too much, that not much I could do to help my sister-in-law, if she doesn't want help. I just learned from my husband that she moved right in with another man, and the divorce is still not final yet. I sometimes sound like a horrible person, because I care too much. I learned that when I step back and let things go, it's better for everyone.
Her income, how she spends it and whether she can or should make more is her decision. It is also her decision how much information to tell you.
I try to teach my kids to live their own lives and not worry about other people's choices - especially when that choice is only tangentially related to us in the same way Kevin Bacon is 6 degrees from anyone.
Don't take this the wrong way because I mean no offense, but this really isn't any of your business.
How much she may receive or for how long is completely between her and her ex-husband.
She says she has a competent vocational counselor. Leave it at that. It's not your place to push her into a job. The fact that she didn't work during her marriage is also her business.
If she blows through her money or falls on her face, you are under no obligation to support her and I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like she wants you to.
Your worry may be a bit displaced.
You can't stand her.
She's a grown woman.
Let her worry about herself.
Just my opinion.
Don't worry, she'll get less "reluctant and choosy" about work once her Cash Cow is no longer required to pay spousal support!
In the meantime, talk to your husband about how you feel about how you would feel if she asked to move in with you guys.
Also, it's quite clear she's not interested in your "help" so don't offer it. She also doesn't need to tell you anything about her financial situation, so don't expect that!
Well, she will have to figure it out. You don't have to take her in. In other words, "her lack of planning doesn't make it an emergency on your part." Remember that when she comes crying to you for money.
I would normally be very wiling to support someone, but when they aren't even trying to help themselves, then why should I bother?
Also, she may simply not like the idea of you trying to give her advice. So just don't go there.
I agree with Shane, it really isn't any of your business OR your problem. When she runs out of money and options, she will be forced to get a job and take care of herself. OR she will find a new man to take care of her. Regardless, you don't have to do anything or be concerned about it. Good luck.
To be honest, I think you're treading in territory that really isn't your concern.
Your SIL was 100% on target in her response when asked about her decision not to work during her marriage: "It's between my husband and me." This is also true of their decision to divorce, or the financial details of their divorce. It's between them, and they have no obligation to talk with you or anyone else about it.
You offered to help her find a job, which was a nice gesture. However, she made it clear she doesn't want help from you. Her job search is her business, and as with the rest of her life, she has no obligation to share the details of it with you, or to accept your help.
In the end, she's responsible for herself and her future. I strongly advise you to back off and let her figure it out herself.
I also suggest that you and your husband should get clear on how you will and won't help her, if at all - so that if she asks you for help, you will be prepared with a response. BUT, don't then go to her and say, "DH and I talked and we decided that we're only going to do x,y,z for you and not a,b,c." Just leave it alone for if and when she approaches you.
In my experience reality will slap her in the face eventually. Make it clear you will not take her in so she doesn't seem surprised if that happens.
I could have had stayed at home fully supported till my youngest turned 22 but my ex is wealthy. I declined that. Normally the courts only award support long enough to get the skills to support themselves. Two to four years.
She may find a job in time she may not. I wouldn't worry about it. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. If she ends up in a homeless schelter it is her choice. ie: If she doesn't take a job that is offered because she thinks it's not good enough -- she is choosing to become homeless. don't bail her out. I would offer to store her stuff if you have room or hold a yard sale to sell it for her but that's it.
If I were your husband's sister, I would not want any help from you. Sounds like you like her husband and I'm sure she feels your disgust. You should back away from this situation because it is clear you have no compassion for the woman....only fear that you might have to take her in. In your own words: "I can't stand my sister-in-law"....chances are, she probably feels the same way about you and only tolerates you because she loves her brother and your children. Keep your distance and let her make it on her own.
Talk to your DH and tell him your concern. I would say she is a grown woman and if she can't take care of herself than let her keep it to her self. If you must bring her into your home I would treat her more like a rebound child ... Chores and paying rent.
Key is to talk to DH about how you feel, make a joint decision and then one of you need to talk to your sister-in-law about how it will work if she moves in BEFORE it happens. Other wise I would try to stay out of her way.
I think what you should do is talk to your DH (IF he mentions helping her) about how you and he should NOT take her in and NOT take her on. She needs to find her own feet and you and he have enough going on. How long it takes people varies. I'd leave her be. She seems to have a plan and she's a grown woman.
In CT alimony is given only in marriages over 5 years and for half the length of the marriage. Not sure how the determine the amount. Of course some couples choose a lump sum settlement instead. Just make sure you and your husband discuss what you are and are not willing to do for your sister in law should the time come where she is looking for your assistance.
The example you would set for your kids is that when you don't work and you keep secrets from family, you don't earn rewards/hand outs from family. There are other ways you can help, just like what you offered and she refused...not your fault she refused and decides to pay someone instead. Again, an example to point out to your teens. Best of luck, it's hard to be supportive to someone when they are being secretive.
You need to stop being so involved. you wrote earlier "I can not stand my sister-in-law." She most likely gets your vibe. You also wrote in another post that you want to continue a relationship with her ex and that you work with him. I can see why she wants to limit the information she gives you. If I was in her shoes I would not want you monitoring my job search progress.
Before you post, re-read what you write so you can get the best advise. I noticed in your past posts that she and her ex recently lived with you for 5 months and did not pay for rent (or much of anything). This fact would give you every right to fear that this woman will want to live off you again (past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior). You need to make your boundaries clear to your husband. You two need to be a united front. Since she was living off you, the fact that she was not working at that time was your business. Her line 'it's between my husband and me' failed since you and your husband were supporting her and her husband. She has a history of being your leach and it is not fair to you.
How much will probably depend on what her husband's income is. How long will be possibly for a couple of years - nothing more and maybe not that long.
If I were you, I would tell her bluntly that it is her choice to look for work or not or how much effort she puts into it, but if you don't see her making a strong effort, you will NOT be taking her in when she runs out of money. She's old enough to understand cause and effect - no job = no income = no where to live.
I can understand you wanting to set a good example for your kids. But I hope understood it wrong, that by you guys helping her financial will be a good example. I'm all for helping people less fortunate and people that are going through a tough time. That is good to show your kids. But throwing your hard earned money in a fire isn't. I can't say too much because right now I stay home and homeschool my children, but I didnt do it until we could live off his income completely. If you hand her money with out her trying herself to find a job is going to show your kids that if they get into a pinch that there will always be someone there to get them out, rather than teaching them to not get into a problem in the first place. This is what I teach my kids, GIVE A MAN A FISH HE EATS FOR A DAY, TEACH A MAN TO FISH HE EARS FOR A LIFETIME.Sounds like she has been handed so many fish she expects it and has become very picky. Its time that she learns.
