My dear friend and her hubby have been our friends for years. I've always liked her husband but did think he was lacking a bit in the husband/dad dept - but since it's not my marriage I never said anything. They have 3 kids - both work f/t as teachers - and she has always been the one that takes care of 90% of the things in the family - kids, house, etc - but they seemed ok so no harm no foul.
Well they came over this past weekend after coming back from a long vacation (a week in paradise without the kiddos) and she seemed pretty stressed - so once the guys left the room I asked her to spill it. So come to find out the hubby said he wanted a divorce but this was after he had a fit at her for no real reason (that I could tell). Apparently while on this vacation they spent a lot of time w/her family and they have money - so it was about fancy dinners and materialistic things. She is not materialistic at all - and her hubby claims to be the same way (though he has no issue spending money on himself - just not anyone else in the family) and it appeared to cause a lot of tension between them. So my friend made an off hand comment about a gift he'd purchased for a co-worker (trying to smooth some ruffled feathers) and she said he went off the handle, started screaming at her, broke 3 of their cell phones in a rage, and then called her every name in the book. The part that gets me is this was IN FRONT OF HTE KIDS (plus his daughter was having a birthday sleepover and all THOSE kids were still there).
I personally think he is having a mental breakdown - who does this stuff? She called me last night and said she was fearful for her safety and that of her kids. She asked him to leave but he refused - so he is now living in the basement. She was supposed to go on a family vacation in a week or so - I recommended she stay there with her family until things settled down. Apparently though he (the hubby) canceled her trip, told her if she takes the kids out of state he would call the police on her and she is afraid. Also - he said that she never showed him her love (she is an amazing mom and the most caring person I've ever known) and that to demonstrate how much she loves him and to "win him back" she needs to buy him an expensive instrument ($5k) that he's been eyeing. She then told me he already has $30k in instruments at their house - they have teacher salaries!!!!
I don't know what to do to help her. I sent an email this morning since we didn't get to finish talking last night and she said NOT to call her and she would try to call me when she gets a chance. I'm really worried something is going to happen.
Does anyone have experience with this? My advice to her is to get out of there if possible, file a restraining order and possibly have him committed to a mental hospital for evaluation. Any other thoughts?
She's already reached out to his parents (they live in town) and I guess his Dad tried to stick up for her and he lost it (the hubby) and told his Dad off - said he was a dick - and no longer his father.
Sigh...
Sorry should add he refuses counseling (of course) and it doesn't seem to be a run of the mill affair but I could be wrong.
That doesn't sound like a mental break so much as a guilty conscience. She hit a nerve. His deficiencies stared him in the face, embarassed him, shamed him, and he deflected all that guilt into anger at her for being the mirror he sees his flaws in.
I think he is having an affair. But of course how would I know?
Either way.. you know the answer.. marriage counseling and he needs to go to his own physician and get a check up.. I suggest she go with him to fill in the blanks with the doctor.
I found him! I found him! I found my husbands twin brother (from another mother!)
kidding aside, this sounds EXACTLY like my life the past three years! (minus the vacation, never had one of those)
Better to run a drug test than a mental eval! seriously.
My husband was very intorverted around me, but not his friends.
Abut the time our girls turned one, he changed. I wont go into all of it, but he had become addicted to pain pills. They made him angry, bitter, mean, angry, hateful, mean, angry, abusive, abusive, abusive! Verbally, mentally and eventually physically.
I put up with it all for a long time (I was VERY depressed and didn't know it-hard to know what's going on when you feel like you are just struggling to keep your head above water)
I let him use savings to buy a '74 Nova and an '88 truck. He got to buy games for his game systems, etc. All while I went without. I did it thinking that if he got these things- then he would be happy and act better. Of course it didn't work. He quit his job last August. We lost our house. Even before that, he only shared half of his check of $600 every two weeks, then a week later he was asking for money for gas and cigarettes. If questioned, he was very defensive, saying that his 'muscle' vehicles 'eat' gas and he has to eat.(designed to make me feel guilty if I didn't want him to eat). He would always turn the table on me and try to make anything be my fault. He would even accuse me of 'blowing' my income. (presumably on myself)
LSS: the girls and I left on Jan. 20th. He went through detox (I saw it so I believe it). He wants us back. I say too much damage is done, but do still dream of it working out. I just don't think he is capable of giving of himself to the point that he could reach the new height I raised the bar too.
I dont' think your friends husband has had a breakdown. He sounds just like a pill addict to me. I swear, it is like reading about my life!
Someone on this site gave me a link to a site that was very helpful. I bet it would help your friend too.
We also have a Safe Space here in our area. Even if she doesn't go, they will send an advocate to talk to her. They are very discreate (sp?) and will meet her where ever, when ever. I talked to a rep at the courthouse after they told my husband they were going to watch him for 6 more months (He hit me upside my head on June 20th-had him arrested). He thought I was talking to someone I knew from work and he acted like an a$$ in front of her. She was able to see his true (pill induced) self.
Even clean now (I am just assuming he still is) I don't think i can go back to the stress and the distrust.
Good luck and God Bless. If she needs someone else to talk to that has been there feel free to pm me and we can work it out.
My gut reaction isn't mental illness, its a guilty conscience. He's done something and is making himself feel better by putting blame on her if they separate.
If he is threatening her then she needs to get somewhere safe. All you can do is be there for her and support her. She must decide what to do.
What a scary situation. She needs to get the kids and get out. Putting him in the basement doesn't protect them from what could escalate into a dangerous situation at any moment. It does sound like something's going on with him, but I don't think she has the proof needed to commit him (is he threatening her or to harm himself? That's a good way to get the attention of the needed professionals). Since his parents stuck up for her maybe she can stay with them or a friend, or are there any shelters close by? I'd definitely talk to local law enforcement to see what they suggest as far as restraining orders. Prays for your friend, I hope it works out.
Open up your home to her if you need to, but she needs to get out of there. It sounds as though he's got something going on. If he was willing to go into a rage in front of not only their kids, but her daughter's friends as well, something is fishy.
Get her out of there! Have her go to the courts and/or police to have him hospitalized on a 72 hour hold. I hope your friend remains safe.
I'm with the handful of mama's that say it sounds like the defensive behavior that goes hand-in-hand with so many affairs. Until you've lived it &/or done some research it may not make sense, but every single thing you listed is very textbook (no pun intended since they're both teachers).
My advice is for her to seek out as many lawyers as she can for consults. Most will do a free meeting to go over ideas & pricing. Anyone she sees will be off limits to her husband if they do choose to end things & of course the more people she notifies of this behavior & has it documented, the better for her.
Sounds like he built up a lot of anger. That is never good. Thing is you have one story and not the full picture. This may have been how it has always been and you have only seen the happy face side.
It doesn't sound like a break down to me. It sounds like an escalation to the point where they can't keep their issues a secret but who knows.
She needs an attorney but she probably already knows that. She won't be able to get a restraining order just based on that. She cannot commit him to a mental institution. Trying to do either of those things will just set him off. She needs an attorney, she needs to tell the attorney everything, not just what the world knows, and then she needs to listen to everything that attorney says.
As a friend all you can do is be there in whatever capacity she needs. She leads, you follow, ya know?
She needs to start calling the cops on him, it.is the only way to have proof of his behavior. If he is a real piece of work, like my friends x husband, when the police show up he will start fighting them and then hes not.her problem anymore.
Lots of people have chimed in, but here's one thing I haven't seen addressed yet. Are there firearms in the house? If so, your friend needs to find and bury or destroy all the ammo. I'm not kidding. If he's become this volatile, the last thing he needs is easy access to a loaded gun. This is true whether she leaves or stays.
Urge your friend to talk to someone at the local YWCA/women's shelter. They will be able to hook her up with legal advice, and may be able to answer to a lot of questions she has, such as whether she can legally take her kids out of the state to ensure their safety.
Also, your friend needs to take steps to make sure she has access to money. does she have a bank account or credit card in her name only? If not, she should go and create a bank account for just her, using some of the money from their joint account (which is, after all, half hers).
She needs to leave. Pack just what she needs and do it somehow to where he won't know! She needs to file for sole custody ASAP! He can fight this yes, but she can request a mental evaluation. Judges usually go for this! I hope she makes it out safely!
I guess it sounds like he has hit a breaking point, but I'm not sure this is going into hiding/divorce worthy. It doesn't sound like he needs a mental evaluation or anything, more like he has some pent up anger here.
My first instinct was an affair - and he's trying to get her to leave because he feels guilty. But a lot of folks with experience seem to think drugs. I guess the missing question for me ...is this new behavior? Has he always been volatile, has this been building, or did it just start all the sudden?
I agree with the others though - she needs to get out, or get him out. Can she stay with relatives - even his parents? or with you?
Since they are still married, I don't think there's an issue with her taking them out of state on a previously scheduled vacation, but check witha lawyer.
and talk to a lawyer. The first goal is to protect herself and her kids.
