Yesterday, I woke up with horrible cramps. My sisters and I tend to get extremely painful periods...bad enough to need prescription pain medication and muscle relaxers. Well, when I woke up, I couldn't even walk...I was in tears, my husband had to actually help me out of bed to e-mail my boss. I told my boss I was having a female issue (he's male) that was causing me extreme pain and that I would take some medication and come in late if I felt better. I also sent a text to my co-worker letting her know that I may or may not be in yesterday due to having extreme pain. I rarely call off sick...the last time I called off was when I was pregnant and I only missed one day during the whole pregnancy.
Well, an hour later, I felt a lot better and got dressed to go into work. I picked up my cellphone and had a text message from my co-worker that was apparently NOT meant for me. It said (and I'm editing for content since it was not friendly), "That fat b* called off today and totally f*ing screwed me. Now I'm stuck here all day. She knew I had 2 come in early! I'm so mad. She has cramps."
I read that and I was floored. Here I thought she and I were on good terms... we did things together at work and had off work as well. I did not know what to say... I was just shocked. I sent her a message back saying not to worry, I'd be coming in within the hour and she messaged me back asking why she would worry and things were going fine. I texted her saying I didn't want to screw her over and then forwarded her the message she sent me back. At this point in time, she told me this story about how her friend had sent that to her and she forwarded it to me because she thought I'd find it funny that cramps were "going around", however, there was no "fwd" on the text message and the message just resembles our work and her personality too much. She DID come in early yesterday (though I didn't know she was going to) and she would've had to stay if I didn't come in because we work in the front office. I am also overweight, though I don't claim to be a b*. She sent me another message saying she would never say something like that about me, but I don't believe her.
Now the office is very tense. We aren't speaking. It makes me very uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. I'm still upset...she hasn't come clean about accidentally sending me that message. I think if she would've just owned up to it and apologized, I would've moved past it, but I'm having a very difficult time doing it now and she is making no effort to make things right either. Should I be the bigger person and make the effort to make the office less tense? I don't even know how to go about doing that.
Thank you everyone for your input... I really appreciate it. I think just getting it out there and written down made me feel a lot better because I wasn't holding it in. She and I are talking, but I am keeping things a lot closer than I was before. I know now how she is as a person and while we can be friendly at work, we will not be outside of the office. It makes me a bit sad because we would go to games together, she was there when my daughter was born, she went to my son's birthday party, and we talked outside of work.
I understand everyone's point on not giving information or texting to let a co-worker know you won't be in, however, we work in a very small office and since we are the only two in the office, we find it helpful to let the other know if we'll be late or won't be in. I obviously will be more careful in what I say from now on. The text also wasn't to a co-worker, it was to her boyfriend.
I have moved past this, mostly. I ended up breaking the ice yesterday and now she acts like it never happened...which is fine. I've come to realize she will not ever admit to sending that message and I'm okay with that. Our plant will be closing soon and I'm looking at other positions in other states, so I just need to get through these next couple of months peacefully. She and I both know she sent the message and it was about me, whether or not she ever owns up to it really doesn't matter.
Thanks!
Unfortunately she doesn't sound like a very trustworthy person. Maybe you should just let it go and steer clear of her. Hang in there.
My two cents--you already are the bigger person. If you want to stay at the job, it will benefit you to make the environment less stressful.
She knows what she did, and she knows it was wrong. You can't change other people, but you can forgive them and move on. That said, I'd be careful about trusting her.
Good luck!
I would let it go for the sake of the daily work environment.
However, I think I would just be polite to the person from now on, and, only in the event of her admission and/or apology would I go back to being more friendly.
Maybe after a period of time you can let go completely.
That was downright wrong of her! She needs to be the bigger person and apologize to you. I know what your going through because I have the same troubles when it comes to that time of the month too. The office will be tense now but deal with it and hopefully over time she will come to you and you two can start over fresh. Girls that don't have extreme problems during that time of the month have no idea how bad it is for us who do. I wouldn't make the effort because she was the one being the b* not you. She needs to step up and make things right.
D.
I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys together ages 10,7 and 4.
A person done the same to me except via e-mail. She also claimed she didn't mean anything by it and was just having a rough day and took it out on me. It was extremely hurtful and it bothered me for a few days, but realized I was the only one that was upset over it. About the same time my daughter was pregnant and was having trouble. I knew then that the energy I was putting towards what that girl said was wasted and I needed to focus on what was really important in life - my kids and husband. That person probably said those things about you for a long time and was really never a friend. You know you are a good person and she is not worth your time. I would just go on with life and not waste your energy with it - that will bother her more and may even get her to fess up she was wrong.
Good luck!
Hi A.,
Well that is a tense situation and I think you should be the bigger person. Not to say you should overlook what happened, but know that if you forgive you will be blessed! Of course you will not be able to consider her to be as close a friend as you did before, but don't let it change who you are and turn you into that B* that you know you are not.And if she's not trying to make things better maybe she's not the friend you thought she was anyway. So this could be a blessing in disguise. So what you should do is go to her and apologize for making her upset to the point where she felt she had to complain to someone else about you. And if she denies it tell her that's ok, You just wanted to apologize. Then you just let it go. Youv'e just became the bigger person and relieved a lot of stress, which you don't need in your life anyways, husband and children are enough.LOL! Be Blessed!
Well, at least in this office, if you have to call in sick again don't specify why--whose business is it anyway? people always assume that "woman problems" are not real problems, and/or I think a lot of women are reluctant to admit that these things can slow us down b/c that might imply we are less able than men. Come on, if you said you had crushing abdominal pain because you were constipated everyone would feel sorry for you, but a menstrual cramp? Must be a wimp,plus how dare you be so female. So don't tell them any more than they need to know. Sorry about the painful periods, I have had some that were no fun myself.
I don't really know what to say about your friend--I'm no master of social interactions but I would try to just let it go with a "sorry to stick you with coming in early, thanks for covering for me," don't even mention the text message again, act like it's not a big deal (even though it sucks) and eventually, it won't be. If she actually gives a rip about your friendship, (and she did care at least enough to try to hide her resentment from you, for what it's worth) she'll probably be kind of afraid of you now that she's hurt you and will need you to let her know you guys can be OK again. Or even be friendly again, though I understand if you're not as interested in that any more! Good luck.
That's terrible! I understand you feeling so hurt. What I've learned is that alot of times, the friends you have at work aren't really friends in the true sense of the word. You are friends because you have work in common, but you probably wouldn't be friends if you met outside of the workplace. I've found that when someone I was friends with at work left their job, we lost touch almost immediately, because there was no common thread anymore. What I'm getting at is, I don't think this person is really your friend, because a real friend wouldn't do something like that to you. You do have to work with the person though, and I also know from personal experience that having a tense workplace is dreadful. My advice would be to move past it best you can, and be nice and civil to the person, but I would pull back on the friendship thing. I would keep everything stricly business between you. They have certainly shown you their true colors. Good luck!
OMG! How horrible!! I would NOT give in. There is absolutely NO excuse for her behavior and I would just make her own up to it. Actually, I would show the text to your boss and file a grievance of some sort.
I have been an Office Manager for nearly 8 years and I would never put up with that behavior! She needs a reality check!
I'm not sure what to tell you... but I work in an environment of all female workers and we have definately had our share of "moments". Coworkers are constantly talking behind each others backs ect. Luckily I work alone on third shift, so I don't have too much interaction with the others, but there were times when it was very difficult for me. The way I have handled it is to just remember that we all have our moments, and to try and focus only on myself ... not worrying about what others are doing/saying. I'm sure your coworker is just horrified that you saw a message that wasn't meant for your eyes and made her seem like a bad person. I would just try and remember that we all make mistakes and do/say things we don't mean from time to time. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just upset over possibly having to stay late. Based on what you wrote it seems that it's not an ongoing issue... but that things are just uncomfortable now. I would think that if you just move on, she will follow. She's probably just really embarrassed.
Work is stressful enough without having additional drama and I understand you do not want to cause tension in the office and want to go back to a friendly atmosphere, but that is just unacceptable. People "DO" think things in the heat of the moment because it does affect them and they get pissed that they feel they have to carry the load,but to say those things are unacceptable.
She is not making an effort because she feels guilty and she knows she got busted. You can make peace just to have a better working environment and be civil but I would not have anything further to do with her. It would be only work related. No lunch and no outside activities. She crossed the line and is not your friend.
Fist of all I am sorry that your co worker sent you a nasty message, and I am not taking her part but maybe she was having a bad day, but if I were you I would confront her about it in the nicest way possible, because it sucks to have to work or live in tense conditions. She had no right to send you a nasty message, she should own up to it. I would tell her that you understand her position, but that you were really sick and that you do not take off work for no reason. That you just want to get along and be able to work together and not have hard feelings.
Usually when a personal text is forwarded it will not have the FWD on it. I know my text messages do not have that on forwarded messages unless its one of those stupid ones that everyone gets.
And your 'about me' section made it quite clear as to what I would do if I were in your situation...you are 29...talk to her about it and clear the air. This is not high school.
Hi A.,
How terrible. I agree with you that she is lying about it being a forwarded message. That being said, I don't think you should be the one to make things better. Even now, she could apologize to you. I know what it is like having tension in the workplace, but I think it's best if you just ignore it; after some time, the tension will just dissipate. She is clearly a two-faced person and it's probably best that you not have much interaction with her anyhow. I think everything happens for a reason. As hurtful as this whole thing has been for you, at least you now know what she's really like.
I wish you the best.
A.
What a mean, rotten co-worker!!! She should be ashamed that she would be gossiping like that about someone she pretends to be "friends" with at work. You did nothing wrong, keep that in mind and move on. You cannot trust someone like that, HER LOSS!
I know you don't feel like taking the higher ground, but this is about your job and your livlihood. If this was about a friendship, I would say drop her. But... this is work and only work. Make amends to move past it, suck it up. You need every ally you can get in the working world, so don't think anything of this. Just keep it in the back of your mind that you know exactly where she stands.
I am so sorry that you are going through that, I have been there once, a long time ago. I would opt to be the bigger person and get past it. I would just watch my back. Obviously she can not be trusted. I was 23 when something similar happend to me and I actually had to leave the job. When your 29 thats not an option, especially when you like your job. Stay strong and be the nice person you are. I am not ashamed to say a little prayer everyday will help. Best Wishes.
I would talk to her. Either way she will know how you feel. In a very calm voice and matter of factly tell her how that made you feel and that you thought the two of you were friends. This will put the ball in her court. It will hopefully ease the situation at work and if she apologizes then you can do with that what you will, if she still doesn't then I would not worry about her. Life is too short to have "friends" like that. I know that some people vent like that when they are mad and don't really mean what they say. If you like her and enjoy hanging out with her then make the effort and just know that she isn't a great friend, but maybe some one to do some thing fun with.
Good luck and I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt.
A.,
First off, kudos to you for sticking up for yourself! You have to stick up for yourself because nobody else will!
I wouldn't actually apologize to this person, but you could just start acting like nothing happened or crack a joke that's not insulting maybe to "break the ice".
But once you all are on a friendly term again, don't let your gaurd down remember what kind of person she is. You can be civil to something but not trust them as far as you can throw them.
Don't let this situation consume you to the point that you REALLY don't like her. It takes too much energy to REALLY dislike people lol..
And can I just add, that how respectful are you to let your coworker know you aren't going to be able to come in! That was really nice!!
Hope things start softening up around the office soon!
S.
Gosh-that is just absurd of her to throw the Fat comment in there, i am overweight too have had 2 babies in the last 22 months that would have really hurt me. It just never needed to be said. I feel very bad for you-you certainly do not need that kind of attitude coming from someone that works in HR. One thing i would say is in the future do not be so specific about what ails you frankly, it is not really their business. I wish you well at the end of the day just keep on with things at your job and keep out of her way. Keep the message as evidence in case you decide to move forward the comment is considered harrassment. Certainly if you were inexplicably dismissed from your job the message could serve you well in any legal situation.
Yes, I think that you should truly make this right but for you not for her. Tell her that this really hurt your feelings and that you will have her back if there is ever a time that she is not feeling well. Sometimes a little extra kindness is just what the Dr. ordered.
Also in the future you are NOT obligated nor should you feel it necessary to give details of why you are not coming in to work a simple I am not well is sufficient and laws prohibit the boss or anyone else from asking you why you called off sick.
P.S. Maybe next time she will think twice before saying something so mean...
I believe that you did the right thing... You let her know that you did not like what she had said! Now it time to move on. You don't have to be friends. The two of you have a working relationship and keep it that way.
If it were me:
Do you have an HR department at your company? I would sure as h*ll take it to them and bring it ALL out in the open. You have a legitmimate medical issue. Unfortunately, "female issues" tend to get catagorized as bogus because #1-men cannot sympathize and #2-women have used this excuse for years (falsely) to get out of doing things they don't want to do, consequently ruining it for the rest of us. It sucks, but it's reality.
I think what she did constitutes harrassment and I would go through the proper channels to make sure this is resolved professionally!
She is definetly a backstabber and NOT a friend to you at all. You did nothing wrong and she should be the one appologizing to you. that is hurtful. I would never confide in her again and I would keep it very businesslike at the office. She should be very embarrassed by what she did to you. Maybe you need to tell her that what she did was hurtful and downright mean. I am sorry that you had to go through that. Another suggestion would be to go to the office and be in a good mood, but don't pay her any attention. that will ease the tension and maybe open the door for her to appologize to you which she needs to do. One more thing...remember that office workers are not your friends...they are associates and anything you say at the office CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU. good luck
Just let it go. She clearly is not the freind that you thought she was, but there really isn't anything you can do about it. She will probably not admit to sending that text to you accidentally. If you really want to say something to her, just say "Look, I know you were upset yesterday. I'm really sorry. Thanks again for covering for me." And drop it. Perhaps she sent the text to someone in a moment of anger. She's probably embarassed that you got the text. I know it's easier said than done.
A. - You truly had an eye opening experiene;however, you noted that your co-worker has moved on and I suggest that you do the same BECAUSE the only person upset by this now is you. Those remarks were hateful as well as hurtful but don't ruin your health and home with unneccessary frustration. What you have learned fromm this is there are FRIENDS and their are associates from the office. Now you know the difference. Continue to keep your relationship professional at the office and any "personal" information be careful who you choose to share-- especially any confidential matters. With so much technology people are passing information before the ink is dry and the mouth is closed.
You won't get an apology, so again, move on. You did the correct thing in confronting the individual regarding the malicious message. Now forgive her so that your heart will not be troubled. You letter dictates that you are a profound employee and a "true" friend. Time truly heals all wounds so be the "better" person and enjoy life and your beautiful family!
Your HR may or may not do anything, may or may not be allowed to do anything - speaking as a former HR, I know. Unless it's a company cell phone, I'm not sure I'd take it to HR. I'm also quite sure I would never text anything important.
I also agree with the other woman about limiting your explanation for absence. Being truthful in the workplace doesn't usually get you what being truthful in a relationship does...
Feeling better later in the day and coming in is generally not well-received. As much sense as it makes to report to work as soon as you are able, "feeling better" is too vague. If you're too sick to come it, take the day off. If you're likely to feel better later, then suffer through the first part of the day. I hate to sound so harsh, but I've temped for about 4 years - all different kinds of companies, I've been HR, heard all the complaints, etc. and I've never met anyone who wasn't suspicious of the person who came in later when they were "feeling better." It just doesn't look good.
As for how tense it is, I feel for you feeling so betrayed. I know what you mean about wishing your co-worker would just come clean, but being such a back-stabbing deceiver, that's not likely to happen. Don't argue with her, but it probably would make you feel better to confront her. Give her the facts as to why you don't believe her, just as you said above, and when she starts to argue, tell her you don't want to hear it, she already said her piece, you just wanted to make your position clear, and leave it at that.
If confrontation makes you upset, just know you can and will get through it and be better off for it. You will not die if you state your position and JUSTLY refuse to listen to any more from her about it - you know she's only likely to tell you that you're over-reacting, it was a joke, etc. If she truly wants to be friends, she'll do better. Otherwise, you can rest easy knowing that you didn't back down, nor did you bury your head in the sand.
Good luck.
With friends like her, you sure don't need any enemies. Try not to lower yourself to her level. Try to forget it as much as possible (been there, done that one). Make most of your talk to her on a business level, if possible. Don't do anything social with her again. She don't deserve your friendship if she is going to be like that. I, like you, believe she meant for you to see that message. At least your boss doen't hold it against you for coming in late.
Okay, so the plus side is that you KNOW this woman is not your friend. You will not waste your time or offer your friendship to someone who is going to squander it any longer. You will not confide in her because you know she doesn't have your best interest at heart. Good to know, huh?
Since she is the HR department do a little CYA. Take a note from your doctor about your problem and the meds you need to take upon occasion and have her put it in your file. Be courteous to her like you would the other employees, not because she is so fabulous you just can't help yourself, but because you are a lady and carry yourself with dignity. Document your absences or tardy days so that you also have your own record and she can't be vindictive.
I wouldn't apologize. You did that with the text. I would just go about my business and let her stew in her own juices.
Gee, what would she have sent out if you had been in a car accident and not been able to go in? Yes, she sent it to you, maybe by mistake, and maybe not. My vote is on the fact she was sending it to someone and you got it by mistake because she was angry about going in early but maybe having to stay later than she had planed.
Tell her the name calling hurt you and since you have to work together the best thing to do is be polite with each other and honesty is part of keeping a workable office situation.
I don't know if you kept the "message" or not, but sharing it with your supervisor and letting them know about the tension is not a bad idea because this type of tension is obvious to others in the office and it is best to allow the higher ups to know what caused the situation.
As for you, in the future I would be socially polite but start distancing yourself from her on a personal level.
P. R
#1. Pray about it, and think about how Jesus would want you to respond.
#2. There is a good book -- "Fertility,Cycles, & Nutrition" by Marilyn Shannon. This would be a GREAT resource for your painful periods.
God Bless, M.
Angel(a) We are very often in the midst of people who momentarily lose themselves to bouts of selfishness. It is not a question of whether you should be the bigger person in this "issue", YOU WENT IN AFTER MEDICATING YOURSELF.....1 Life is VERY short actually, being blessed to understand this is a great plus. Move pass this bump in the road trust me this woman thinks about what she did at least 20 times a day she will never forget that slip in texting. If you want PEACE in the workplace that you spend the better part of your day in, keep your PEACE Move UP and MOVE ON. That tense pressure in the atmosphere will make you sick. If you need to hear her say I'm Sorry - this may not happen - so I will say it for you SHE IS SORRY!!!!!! Have a BLESSED day - Miss Thomas
