Wondering How to Request a Dress Code...

All you can do is ask they wear the colors you want them to wear. What if they don't? What will you do? Kick them out? lol.. Just sayin... I'd just put "formal attire required, please wear black, gray or white" .

If it is a formal party, mail formal printed invitations. It is very common to put a dresscode on invitations for instance "black tie".

http://www.cecinewyork.com/cecistyle/2011/03/15/v33-ceci-...#

Sounds like fun.. I agree, it can be worded on the invite, but be prepared.. you cannot control what some people may choose to do..

The thing to remember is this is a celebration with the people you love, so what if they do not follow exactly your dress code? Having them there is the most important part, right?

While you can specify "black tie" or "Black tie optional" I don't think there is any polite way to dictate the exact attire of your guests.

You seem to want a nice way to make a not-nice demand of your guests. There really isn't a way to dictate that people show up in one of your approved colors short of not allowing them in if they aren't dressed they way you require.

Isn't the point of an anniversary party to celebrate your marriage with those who are close to you and who have supported you and your spouse over the years? Don't get too hung up on the details.

If I got an invite to a "black and white" party that said, semi-formal, formal or cocktail attire, I would know exactly how to dress.
Do you think that's not clear enough for some of your friends/family?

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

Your planning a party years in advance.....so I suspect some of your family might consider you "in your own words about others", sort of a PAIN too.

By invitation ONLY and there will be a doorman checking for proper attire and of course their invitation so there name can be checked off the list.

However if this is what you base the party you intend to give, there will be some people (who are probably nice, but don't adhere to a specific dress code. Some of them may actually love you), so there are some people that may decline your invitation or be turned away at the door.

I think you will find that most people will wear the colors you want, but honestly you wouldn't go through with it if there is a possibility someone might not wear your requested colors?

You have to remember that you are making a request, because you do not have the power to dictate what other people wear. You also need to take into account that some people may not have anything in those colors and will need to buy something. Great 'if' they have the money, so instead of coming the sit out because they can't afford a new outfit.

This is 5 years into the future, who knows what will happen. Seems kinda early to be worried about what people, who may or may not come will wear.

While I think that requiring formal wear is nice, I don't think that there is any way you can require "black, white or grey only" without coming across as "bridezilla" (even though it is not your wedding).
If it is a small affair you can certainly talk to the people you are inviting in person and explain to them why exactly it would be great if they went with the colors you picked... but if you are inviting dozens of people I don't think there is a realistic way to ensure that everyone wears what you want. Even "black tie" just means that the guys wear a tux - but the ladies can choose any evening gown...

If it is only one person you are worried about just talk to them directly and explain why it is so important to you.

And...we are talking five years from now... this may be a whole lot of worry about nothing.
Good luck!

If someone sent an invitation to an event I would likely be spending money on for a gift, new outfit, hair, nails, etc. I would have a HUGE problem with them dictating what color I wear. Type of dress is fine--formal, elegant, black tie, casual, 80's retro, whatever--but COLOR!? That is way too controlling. The point of this event, I would think, is to celebrate your marriage with family and friends, those who love and care about you. Why do they have to wear a certain color? MAYBE if I knew the reason why I MIGHT be inclined to follow your strict orders, but I really can't think of a justifiable reason. Honestly, I would intentionally wear a non-ordered color too or just not attend.

I would call it "Jack and Jill's Black & White Party" and put on the invite black tie required. Then you can make a website/FBpage whatever with the party information and you can make the dress code very clear, and I would add Silver as a color vs Grey.

Devil's advocate - you may miss out on guests due to this dress code & color restriction, I certainly would not go out and buy a new dress for your party on top of having to rent a tux for my man. Many women have a black dress but it may not be black tie elegant - may be more for a nice dinner and I only know of a few men who own tuxedos and that is because they are performers.

I do hope your party turns out well and you are able to bypass the known speed bumps however know that you can not control what others will do, you can simply turn them away at the door if they do not abide.

I think you are setting yourself up to be upset. Asking for specific colors for guests is just too much in my opinion.

If you want others to celebrate with you, invite them, have fun and don't worry about what they are wearing. This should be a happy event.
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I think you have to identify your goals and your motives, and that will help you go forward. If I understand you correctly, this party is 5 years away, and you're already fired up about an uncooperative and disrespectful relative.

So, is the purpose to have the "wedding" you didn't have? Are you looking for a dress code to take the place of choosing bridesmaids' dresses and ushers' tuxes? Even if you had a big wedding, you couldn't have dictated the fashions of the guests, only of the wedding party. You might be able to call it a "black and white" evening but if you dictate tuxes and gowns, you are telling everyone that they must go to considerable expense or else they are not welcome. Is that your intent? Even if you say "black tie optional", that doesn't tell everyone that they must wear black and white and grey.

Or Is your purpose to get everyone together to celebrate your marriage? You could indicate a general category like "cocktail attire" but you wouldn't want to dictate colors for your guests. You could choose colors for your own clothing and for the decorations. You'd be asking people to dress festively to celebrate your anniversary and not trying to exert control over people's closets!

So no, there is NO nice way of saying "Don't even think about wearing...." unless you say something INVITING (not dictatorial) like "join us for a black and white evening" and then hope for the best. Black and white lets people meet the color scheme without dictating that they destroy their budgets by buying gowns and tuxes! You just can't ask that without really putting people off. Anyone who doesn't wear the specified colors will stand out as being a spoil sport, but it's essential that you not let it bother you and that you let them look silly or defiant on their own. The best defense is to be gracious and NOT mention a thing if someone wears bright red. She will be seen as spoil sport and an uncooperative attention-seeker, which is why you must absolutely take the high road and ignore her bid for attention.

I think you have probably been hurt before, or you feel deprived or insulted by some of these people, and you are trying to make everything right again by planning 5 years in advance for something in which you dictate every detail.

There is a lot behind your desire for a dress code, which you aren't willing to explain and which is obviously incredibly important to you. That's fine, but it's hard for us to figure out your motivations and suggest a way to make it happen. I think if you try to be in complete control of everyone else, you must be extremely careful lest you come off as demanding and arrogant in writing your invitation, which is very difficult to control since people cannot hear your voice or see your facial expressions. I would assume that is what you don't want and also that it will defeat the purpose of the evening, which is to be surrounded by those you love and who love you.

But if you don't want people around you unless they dress a certain way, then I think your request will weed out those whom you offend or whom you don't really care for, and it will ensure that those who come are only those of considerable means and a great willingness to follow detailed instructions.

Just clarify your goals and then word your invitation accordingly, and be prepared to have a smaller guest list. And please don't go into this evening depressed by the smaller number of acceptances. It sounds like you only want certain people there, and all of those to be dressed in a particular way. Just be clear about what you want, and why you want it. Then go from there. But don't make any major decisions now - a lot can change in 5 years.

No matter what, some people might not adhere to the dress code request.
Or, perhaps some may not be able to afford... the dress code nor rent what is required to wear. Or they may wear what they do have in their closet already. If that is all they can afford etc.
For those scenarios, its just nice that they attended the event.

I know there have been some formal parties that we have been invited to... but we chose not to attend. Because of budget and not being able to afford what was required to wear. And then if we didn't wear what was requested/required for the event, we didn't want to be the "only" ones not wearing... what was required.
So we just did not attend.

You can ask, but you can't force. If you're sure there is someone who won't comply and you're that concerned that it will ruin your day, then I'd say speak to them directly, ask someone else to talk to them, or don't invite them. But I would set it up as a black and white ball, hope for the best, and accept gratefully what you get -- there will be some people who can't or won't comply or won't even understand. Don't be too petty to allow their behaviors to wreck your day -- appreciate that they've come to celebrate with you no matter how they're dressed.

This sounds to me like planning a birthday party for a child who hasn't even been conceived yet. It is just way too soon to even be planning/thinking about this. A lot can happen in 5 yrs, I wouldn't even give this another thought until I was married for 4 more years.

Anyway just to answer your question, if you must start planning now, call that person up and directly tell them what is expected when the time comes. No confusion, no looking rude on the invite to anyone else, and no excuses for that person.

Absolutely, sounds nice! You can be crystal clear on the invitation, and hopefully worded fun enough that you don't sound controlling or not fun. But as others said, someone always screws it up. If that will ruin it for you, then don't do it. If you think it will be one person to specifically get at you, then you have five years to come up with a witty comment that will put her in her place without humiliating her completely. Not nice maybe, but I would have to do that in order to preserve my own sanity and be able to enjoy the party!

Go to the library and get the most recent edition of etiquette books by Emily Post or "Miss Manners." These books should have examples of how to word different types of invitations including an invitation for a formal event; however, if you use the term "elegant" instead of "formal" you are freeing your guests to interpret "elegant" in their own personal ways. Formal is the only option to use if you are determined that it be truly formal. Yet that does not rule out colors, either. The only polite way I can remotely see dictating the color scheme is to make the party's entire theme "black and white" as in calling it a "Black and White Ball" and doing everything in that scheme, including indicating on the invitations (which should then be very formal, written ones, not electronic).

But...It's interesting that you're planning this five years in advance. It sounds, frankly, as if you're pining for the formal wedding you never had. Perhaps instead of focusing on a party that may never happen, why not plan to renew your vows on your sixth anniversary and have an actual wedding ceremony?

One other thing: Whether it's an anniversary party or a renewal or vows or any other event -- you cannot control other people. You can ask that it be formal or "black and white only" for any event, but if someone turns up in something else, you can choose to be upset and let it ruin your event or you can choose to ignore it and enjoy yourself. Please look at whether the idea of someone not in black, white or gray is an idea that would upset you and ask -- why?

Wow, I thought I planned far in advance! I think putting "Elegant Attire - black, white or gray only" is the only way you're going to get exactly what you want, except for the one (or few) who will deliberately ignore you. I also think you need to explain somehow on the invitation why you want only those colors. Maybe by giving the party a name, outline the theme, etc so people can see why the dress code is as strict as it is.

If I received an invitation that specified what color I had to wear, with no explanation, I would be pretty annoyed. If there was a reason, I'd be more inclined to go along with it. Right now, the only formal dress I have that fits is purple, so if I was forced to go out and buy a new dress for the occasion, I would want to know why.

if the invites say 'formal attire required' and something along the lines of 'black or white please', that should suffice.
some people will not be as formal as you'd like.
insisting on a particular color scheme for guests is a bit too controlling.
if it's so important that you would not have the event if your guests don't comply, you'd probably ought to find a different way to celebrate.
congrats on your upcoming anniversary!
khairete
S.

I think if you put in the wording "Formal Attire in the colors black, white or gray is requested by the parties hosts" would make it abundantly clear to all your friends and family members who you invite what you desire. Should the pain decide to go out on a limb, then it will again be abundantly evident what kind of guest they are when invited to a party. Shame on them, please avoid putting their stressful personality as an obstacle to planning your ideal anniversary celebration. Enjoy the planning process, it is a big part of the fun!

I agree that if it is formal you need to send out formal invitations, like a wedding invitation. I was also going to suggest calling the party a "Black and White Party" with your names or maybe just Our B&W Anniversary Party or something. It is quite common to put dress code on the bottom of a formal invitation and simply just put Black Tie. I think Black Tie is more specific than Elegant Attire and that may confuse people, even Black Tie optional is a little better b/c people will know that you want a tux or a suit. Even though it doesn't address the gown aspect, women know that if a man is to be in black tie she should wear a comparable dress/gown. I'm sure (at least I hope) that if someone was confused they would simply ask you and you could then clarify.

If I was invited to this party I would go out and buy a new dress if necessary. I don't think you'll really lose too many people to this dress code, but it's possible. For people whom you might be concerned might need time to save up to purchase a dress or something, you should give a heads up...probably more like 6 months instead of 5 years but you get my drift! ;)

In the end, you'll likely get at least a few people who don't want to, don't think it's important, didn't realize, etc. and show up in another color. You will have to decide beforehand how you'd like to handle it. Probably you won't want to turn them away at the door but that's up to you. I do think a majority of your guests will follow along though.

I'm just wondering what your reasons are for making a dress code request. Are you going to take a group picture? I don't know that it's impossible to get people to do this, but I'm curious to know why you are doing it. They will be curious too I imagine.