My sister in law is fifteen and lives with her mother 4 hours away. Her mother works over 50 hours a week, and is going to school way beyond the regular full-time schedule. In a nutshell the mother is never home, and when she is home she is either sleeping or studying -this is what both the mother and daughter tell me.
NOBODY is with my sister in law when her mom is not home- ever. She rarely sees her friends of which she has very few. She has major psychological issues (is depressed, has attempted to commit suicide and threatens to commit suicide). She has a very poor diet(is being tested for type 2 diabetes).
My sister in law frequently complains about her loneliness, her school (she goes to a terrible school), and also complains that her new therapist is horrible. She is a very sweet and actually VERY smart girl (got the highest learning scores in her whole county, and wins spelling bees...). The condition of the house is NASTY. It just basically looks like an abandoned frat house (abandoned I say cause college boys would move out of that house!).
Anyway, we immediately informed my father in law of this (lives 6 hours away from his daughter) and said that she needs to not live there anymore and that she is in a desperate situation, etc... He sounded VERY concerned and said he would get on it(he had considered a couple years ago having her live with him and his wife for other reasons).
WELL- several months have gone by and my sister in law still lives with her mother. I don't know why and we keep calling my father in law but are having a hard time getting in touch with him. My sister in law is OK-for NOW, but I still believe she needs to get out of that situation. She does not go to a school that nurtures her very talented self, does not see a therapist that supports her well, does not live in a "live-able" house, and does not have ANY parental guidance...
I considered having her live with us- then I got pregnant! NO ONE else in the family is fit to have her except for her dad. What do I do other than keep nagging my father in law about this? Child protective services seems a bad idea just because I'm REALLY hoping we can deal with this situation within the family. We have a solution, but since it doesn't directly involve us, it isn't working out.
We've also voiced our concerns to my mother in law, but she has the attitude of "this is how it is and it stinks, but oh well". She also keeps saying that in the summer she will be out of school for a couple months- I honestly don't think that that is the issue anymore. A good mom would not let her child be like that in the first place so there MUST be a screw loose or something...
Sorry for such a long explanation... Any suggestions?
[to answer first response- we had room for one more, and the baby in my tummy will take up that space...it IS a space problem- and we also don't have the room in our vehicle to fit an extra person (other than the new baby). My sister in law DOES help out with the messes- she is the ONLY one that cleans- BUT- the problems of the house aren't clothes and food being on the floor as much as it is major mold issues from flooding, bugs, smells and just stuff that needs serious work and professional help. Have you ever seen "Flip That House"? Well, they are living in a house that needs to be flipped!]
Well, I have actually come out and asked my sister in law if she wants to live with us. Now that I know she has that option, and it is up to her, I DO feel somewhat relieved. I haven't gotten a response yet because she hasn't read the message I wrote her.
Also, we found out that the father HAS been trying to get her to live with him, but the mother is refusing- all out of selfishness. It is terrible. Thank you for all your responses. We are moving to a home in a couple months which will probably accommodate her much better if she wants to live with us- and if her mother refuses THAT then we will take further action, because she clearly isn't doing this with her child's best interests in mind.
Also, just wanted to let those who were saying that the mother works and goes to school to make a better life for her child- that is not true because she was making plenty of money before, and also still receives half of her ex-husband's retirement check and a very generous amount of child support.
More Answers
P.J.
answers from
Richmond
on
Hey Rebecca!! Thank you for sharing your story!! Wow this is a very tough situation. But know that there is nothing too hard for God!!! I am praying right now that God brings peace unto you and your family in this situation. I pray right now that God will strengthen you and show you His Will in what to do in this situation!! God has already fixed this situation. We just gotta seek Him girl and find out what it is. I pray right now for her protection and safety in that home and I bind and loose any offense that may try to come against your sister in law ans her mother. Father I pray that you will touch the mother in a mighty way, draw her heart near to you Lord God and allow her to see what is going on before her so she can be the mighty woman of God and mother you created for all of us to be in the name of Jesus!! Thank you Father right now for giving Rebecca and her family the victory over this situation and that the devil is defeated!! For we are not going to look at the seen but believe by faith, those things that are not seen. Thank you for your Grace over their intire family and we thank you as well Lord for an awesome testimony that will come out of all of this!! You are the source, our fortress!!! Thank you Jesus right now for everything!!! In Jesus name, amen!!!
I pray that this helps you Rebecca and that God will show you how to handle this situation and leave it to Him to guide and show you cause nothing will work if we try to do it on our own girl. But we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!!! (Philippians 4:13)
Take care and be blessed!! Don't worry girl!
P. :)
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
L.N.
answers from
Washington DC
on
rebecca, for the time being can't you get her to live with you even though you are pregnant? is it a space problem or . . .?
i wouldn't leave her there but have to understand the mother too. she's doing her best, providing for her daughter and trying to advance in life by getting a degree. the house in a mess is really just that. the daughter could help out too. she's 15. she should be able to straighten out, clean, do laundry. we have all done it
good luck
Report This
A.S.
answers from
Norfolk
on
Rebecca - I am soo sorry about this horrible situation that your 15yr old family member is in. I know that she is young but she also can recognize her own situation ie. her depression issues. Have you talked with her about whether she would be accepting of "outside" help such as CPS. If so then tell her dad that you love her and have no choice but to try to help her out of this horrible situation. This may motivate him to tell you what the hold up is or will leave him with no choice but to deal with CPS when they come knocking at his door. If she is not then talk with her school counselor (or whomever can help change her therapist) to at least address this issue and then see if there is a boy & girls club near them that she may be able to attend for increased supervision and increased socialization with other kids her age. This won't fix her "nasty" house but it may make things more bearable until someone in the family can make a change to help her. I hope that this helps. This is a difficult situation for you and her but to do nothing is alot worse. Good Luck and God Bless!
Report This
K.C.
answers from
Washington DC
on
Hello Rebecca,
God Bless you for caring about your sister in law and her well-being as much as you do. I understand you do not have enough space in your home and this is only a suggestion.. what if you temporarily moved your 2 older ones together just to get her out of the horrible situation she is in, and then keep on her father to take care of his daughter. Right now more than anything she needs to feel loved and cared for and she desperately needs a hug.
Good luck to all of you and God bless.
Report This
D.M.
answers from
Norfolk
on
Ok my first question is why doesnt her father take her to live with him? The other question I have she does not have to live with you. Get her everyday to come to your home if you are in the same area and let her spend the day with you and your family you get involved in her life let her know that there is someone who cares. Its does sound like the mother isd trying to get somewhere in a career I know its hard for the child she needs to get involved in school and church activities if she goes to church or anyone in your family does. You might want to get a school counslor involved to let them talk to her. The type 2 may be a heridity problem or cause she is over weight and eating the wrong things. I know its not your kid or your place to do it but sometimes we all have to do the things we are not sure what we have to do. If you think there is no other the way the cps is the way to go. Sometimes they can talk to the parents and let them see the big picture they will not take the child out of the home unless the child is in grave danger most of the time. good luck
Report This
P.B.
answers from
Washington DC
on
Hi Rebecca, I feel so sad when I read this, I understand that her mother wants to better her life, but at what expense her daughter. I am not sure if you will like my repsonse, but her it is anyway. If your sisiter inlaw wants to get out the house then I would say for you and her brother to take her to live with you, I know you dont have space but I am sure it can be figured out, she is 15 and could help you tremondousliy with your house and kids, trust me you will need it at times, just to get away or be in your room by yourself for even 10 minutes. She sounds like she needs attention, even although she is 15 she still needs attention and for someone to hold her. You seem to be a nice person and have a good heart, otherwise you would not be writing this or even tryin to get her out of there. Follow your heart and remember she is just a kid.
Good luck and all the best.
P.
Report This
L.B.
answers from
Dayton
on
I would go to CPS. This what they specialize in. My mom abused and neglected me and my brother as children. One day a neighbor got sick of it and called CPS on her. I'm so glad the did (I was about 15 as well). Is there an option of some of your kids bunking together while this is all cleared up? I know it is hard to decide who will share with whom.. We have the same issue in our house. We have the 4 yr old in her own room, and then our 2.5 yr old and 5 month old share a room. Good luck & God bless. You & your SIL will be in my prayers.
