Withdrawing from the Race

What's wrong with direct?

"Meh, we just decided not to focus too hard on benchmarks and accomplishments and let little Johnny be a kid."

Seek out like minded people.

I get what you are saying. It is like there is a competition among parents to one up everyone. They think the world revolves around them and their perfect setting.

I am SO glad my daughter is now a Junior in HS and I don't deal so much with this. I see it a LOT as a teacher in lower elementary grades. it would have driven me crazy as well.

If you can't ignore it and move on, just find a new group.

I find myself searching for something to talk about when I am inorganically stuck with other parents. The only thing we have in common is the kids, so conversation tends to be all about little Suzie. I get bored listening to myself try to make small talk with them.

The key for me is to try and connect on some level other than parenthood. Ask about work, about favorite tv shows or books, compliment someones shoes or hair and ask interested questions. Then magically the moms morph into real people with interesting things to say. The talk goes from little Suzie - to let's get together for happy hour!

that doesn't interest me, either, but I think that it's because people typically annoy me. Among friends, I talk about what I want to talk about and disengage when I don't want to participate. I don't want to ruin their interaction, so I just shut up and do something else. When the conversation comes back to something that piques my interest, I re-engage. If they ask me a direct question, I just answer and move on. Sometimes I give short answers. Sometimes I say that this topic doesn't interest me. My friends know that they'll get something straight when it comes to me, so we can all appreciate each other. We bring different things to the table. One way that I show myself friendly to my friends is to give them safe and comfortable space to share what is important to them. It can't always be about what's important to me. Like I said, when the conversation turns to something that particularly disinterests me, I bow out and let them enjoy.

If they're really your friends, make this compromise. If they are just women you hang out with because you're all mothers, then feel free to bow out of that camp. Maybe motherhood is the common bond. Schedule a kid-free activity that might broaden your experiences together. That will give you more to talk about later.

Don't dump your friendships. They'll eventually remember that there is something else to talk about. These moms just have mommy brain to the max.

Do you go to lunch with them? Have them over? Can you play bunco, or mah-jongg, or bridge? Having something to "do" might help.

Stay above the fray - say "oh that's nice" and "will you please pass the salt". Don't argue with them. No one wants to hear someone tell them that their kid is just a normal kid and not a whizkid.

If pressed about what your daughter can do, just say she draws nature pictures. You don't have to play the game, but you don't have to jut sticks in people's eyes. They won't understand.

Dawn

My very sincere suggestion would be to actively seek out other home/unschoolers in your area for support, ideas and commiseration.

My sister is homeschooling her three and honestly, I am so grateful to her on her children's behalf... she had one son who really struggled with reading (they figured out together that he has to be active when reading- kinesthetic learner) and would have been labeled early on. He's just blossomed since he 'got it'. I appreciate so much her patience, love and total acceptance of her kids for who they are and where they are in this moment. My nephews are very sweet people and I really enjoy my conversations with them.

She's also gotten a lot of flak from the ignorant out there, who make comments: "Shouldn't your kids be in school?" and other ill-informed, unsolicited comments. The homeschooling community ties she's made have been a great support for she and her family.

As far as those parents who are tooting their children's horns: I have some compassion and empathy for them (I'm a preschool teacher) and their delight in their child's abilities. When it comes to parents who are on a Big Brag constantly about their kids, I take it with a grain of salt. Frankly, that's *their* stuff, not mine. Eventually, they'll learn the hard way that the uber-competitive "My kid could do xyz..." only ingratiates you to the other parents like this... until their kid falls 'behind' the other child in some ways... and then resentment sets in. I also have to laugh because usually a lot of this progress evens out around third grade, but I feel bad for their kids, who get tons of attention thrown at them for being 'special' when they're reading at three or four, and then when the other kids catch up--which they inevitably do-- well, not so special any more.

Being accepting of our children, at their own levels of ability and interest, benefits the child first and foremost. I would love to homeschool, and my son is needing more socializing at this time, so he'll be starting at the local kindergarten next autumn. sigh. We've really discussed this long and hard with his preschool teachers. He's had some struggles in the last year and I've been pretty open about them; I figure it's my job to 'normalize' and set the example that we should be okay with our kids, where they are here and now, even with their individual challenges.

My last idea is this: you know who YOU are. It sounds like you understand the importance of delighting in WHO your children are (as opposed to 'what they can do'). Biting your tongue will be helpful... at least it is for me. I try to smile and nod and remember that 'this too shall pass' when I get stuck around a Big Brag-type parent. Fats Waller used to say "One never knows, does one?" which is a great phrase to shrug one's shoulders to when other people are getting all hot about future schools and all. The best way to navigate all of this is to really know yourself and your own values. Seek community in like-minded places and be like a duck-- let it roll off your back and know that you are doing your best for your own kids. That's all anyone can do. If I'm wrong about these reasons above, maybe talk to someone? Unschooling is optimally about cultivating the love of learning...if you are doing it for other reasons or feel that your kids need to escape a label because of something you are seeing, find out more about what that is, just for your child's sake. Otherwise... you can only control yourself and your own actions. Good luck!

it really is hard. i'm totally on your page, and also had to deal with the same sorts of issues but i even had that within my homeschool groups!
i'd love to give you a nice solution, but i don't think there is one. you need to maintain your various friendship groups because you're doing it for your kids. it's nice when the friendships nourish you too, but you sort of have to soldier on even when it's like this. you can check out of the conversations (even doing so physically, a big stretch and 'hoo boy! i need a walk!') without actually checking out of the group. the nice thing is, when this sort of thing is going on, almost no one is actually listening to what anyone else says, all these cute little moms are really just anxiously awaiting their own turn to brag (or angst.) :)
i've become very adept at putting on a 'really? that's SO interesting!' face while my mind's a-roving. fortunately i'm well into middle age now and rarely am forced to stick around for these conversations. one of the best things about getting older is the freedom to walk away from situations i don't enjoy. young homeschooling mothers have a harder time.
you'll be interested to see how these groups evolve through your journey. with new moms, it's birthing stories. we all used to love to sit around exchanging contraction and episiotomy tales, and once again, all for the thrill of telling our own rather than hearing anyone else's. now i'd rather roll in my own puke than do that. at my age i find i'm ducking the 'organ recitals'. i've told my dh that when my only topic of conversation is my own bowels and joints, please shoot me!
:) khairete
S.

I think it is a bit of insecurity on your part, and you need some unschooling mom friends (I know some fun ones!). I can honestly say I don't care what other moms think of my parenting style. I have more than a couple of friends all about the development stuff too, and it's "boring" to me after a certain point, but doesn't make me angry or uncomfortable. I usually try to learn from it in a "wow it's interesting how they assess their kids" type of way.

I did a lot of research on American education over the past few years and found out how much academic material ideally, historically (and since our schools were the best in the world in the 50's) and internationally (comparing to some of our friends in Europe, Canada, Australia and Japan), in a classically good school, kids should learn. I then found out what our local schools were teaching in kindergarten now. I interviewed the kindergarten teachers in all three of our potential schools and found out what would be covered. I felt my kids simply wouldn't learn enough (AT ALL-NOT EVEN CLOSE) in our district. I'm homeschooling a classical education for my oldest (kindergarten) right now trying to build a strategy to get near better schools in the next few years (winning lottery so we can move is my strategy :). When friend's talk about how their kid's classes are playing preschool level video games on the computer in kindergarten, or reading the Disney Tangled book as literature in first grade, I abstain from pointing out we just read the 1600's Rapunzel and dissected the great grammar and how people lived in those days, and my daughter is progressing nicely in violin, piano and French in addition to math, grammar and science stuff with lots more time to play and do her group classes like Tae Kwon Do. She has time for outdoor play and downtime every day AND homeschool network social activities because she's not in school ALL DAY learning the reading basics she learned two years ago from silly shallow books (yes I'm an undercover snob who resents the mediocre material being taught in the schools).

Likewise, I have lots of unschooling moms in my homeschool network (and I love those groovy ladies) who keep pointing out how important it is to just "learn from life" and "explore and play"- possibly implying (if I wanted to think that way) that I'm "teaching my kids too much too young" and I really don't mind that they feel that way. Whenever I divulge what curriculums we're using for math, grammar, etc, they do point out (however nicely) that kids so young "don't need that". In my opinion (and it's only my opinion), their older kids are way behind academically. I love some of those moms a lot, but they had standard educations, and now seem to think their kids don't need to learn as much as they did early on in school, and that they can "catch up later" or that some of the school grunt work isn't important. I feel sort of bad knowing there is no way they can catch up on that much material-but my standards for material each year are different. And maybe I'm wrong. My kids do play and explore all the time-classes only take up a few hours a day, we're done at noon most days, so I don't feel teaching some formal material is hindering exploration and play. My kids (even 4 year-old) love memorizing long poetry, working in workbooks, having a designated schedule within which to be disciplined to "study" and practice instruments so they can enjoy play time that much more afterwords, etc...all stuff the unschoolers say I "shouldn't make them do". How do they know "all" kids don't want formal learning introduced in early years? That's just one opinion. "Forcing kids to learn" has been done for centuries-and my kids love the feeling of learning new information. ..So as you can see, their opinion doesn't bother me, because I'm not insecure in my choice.

I don't educate my kids to compete. I don't even tell my friends how much we're learning. I don't care if my kids decide to go to college or not. But I do want to arm them with as much world knowledge as I can so they can pursue whatever life they choose, which is why I made my choice for early school years. I believe getting behind early on is staying behind. I knew they would be behind lots of other kids (even if they were at the top of their class) if left to our faltering local schools.

I know like anyone else, what we're doing isn't perfect, and it's not for everyone, it has it's drawbacks and it's big pluses...but do I care about how anyone else feels about it? No. I get along fine with my friends and never feel uncomfortable that our kids are not doing the same things. That goes for the public/private school moms and the unschooling moms I know. There is no rivalry that I know of. If the school moms think my kids are "missing out", they're good at hiding it. If the unschooling moms think "I'm cracking the whip too much", they're good at hiding it. My kids get along great with theirs. I think if you give off a happy, supportive vibe, you get one back.

I used to be one of those moms, and now I'm in your camp LOL! So there is hope for these young moms. The best thing you can do is just let it roll off your back and keep on keeping on. At some point they will realize that "gee, J. sure is peaceful and her kids are cool." And if they don't, that's OK too. One of the things that I've realized with homeschooling is that different scenarios work for different families. And if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

You'll get a thicker skin with this stuff as time goes on. I did and I'm pretty sensitive to the judgments of others.

I think some parents don't want it to seem like a competition, they just want reassurance that their child is doing the same as others. There are some that will comment about every little thing thinking their child is better than the rest and those people you should avoid.

I don’t blame you for homeschooling or un-schooling. I am so unhappy with our public school system here in the US. They keep making things easier so "no child is left behind" and it is not helping kids to really learn. I see kids now that are considered gifted but when I was in school they were the normal ones. If we keep dumbing down the system the future children will not learn anything.

I heard on the radio this morning that one of the state tests they give here in Florida had scores that were down over 30% from last year. It seems that elementary school children do not know how to spell, write (hand writing) or use proper grammar. I know I am not an expert writer but hearing this is very sad. I worry that children are too dependent on spell check, calculators and computers to do things for them.

Honestly, you should think about moving. You will not find this attitude as much in the smaller towns/suburbs where they are worrying about more important things like putting food on the table or paying the mortgage. Many parents in this situation expect their kids to go to college but by no means harbor the delusion that their child is Harvard-bound.

Mom's tend to talk about their kids and some parents think every crayon scrawl is a Piccasso.
There's defiantly a mix of chit chat, small talk, bragging, comparing and competition but people will do the same thing when talking about their dogs or other pets.
I think a certain amount of parental pride is normal but some are certainly overbearingly obsessive about it and then there's the other extreme - not wanting to brag at all (I don't know why but it makes feel a little sad for a kid with that parent - I guess I feel every kid should have at least one parent who obsesses about them for at least a little bit).
If you don't want to talk about kids, develop some friendships with childless people and don't let them know you have any.
The trouble with people who have grown children is eventually they will start bragging about grandchildren and I've known grandparents who could whip out entire photo albums at a moments notice.
It's just what people do.

When I read your title I thought you were referring to the 'human race', I wish I could withdraw from that race at times, lol.
What you're experiencing is common. I think kids should just get to be kids! We struggle with this at times, thinking the kids need to be 'doing something' all the time. Heck we survived without camps and constant sporting events.
If you slowly make yourself less visible, they will get the picture.

Good question! from what you have expressed here, these mommies need to find a hobby other than their children:)
I like Dawn's advice of finding something to do/discuss other than the kids . . . try changing the subject for example "F is already drawing - isn't that marvelous?" you:"HMMM. Speaking of drawing, did you hear about that great exhibit at the museum. I want to go the local paper/reviews said it was super. What are you doing this weekend?"
I do think some insecurities are creeping in, how couldn't they with a gaggle of gals who talk incessently (sp) about this kind of stuff, but stick to your guns and do what is best for your child. Show them neat things, foster their interests and encourage them to be curious and love them unconditionally and you are doing what you need to do as a mom and "teacher."
Best of luck!

I also hate the "Mom Competition", it gets exhausting. I didn't know it existed until I had my own kids. Suddenly, I saw that everyone was competing over everything from how soon their child walks, talks and goes on the potty to whether or not their stroller was better than yours. Brutal! However, I also think there is an important bond between mothers that comes from sharing about our children. When we get together with our friends who don't have kids, the last thing they want to hear about is child talk. That's conversation we save for our friends who do have kids. Telling stories and sharing is a way for us to connect over the common bond of motherhood. It sounds a little to me like you are taking everything that is said about your friends' kids, even the honest and good sharing, as a competitive thing. Maybe it is you that is overly competitive, worrying about whether your kids measure up to theirs. It also sounds like you are a little defensive about your own choices because they are different from the norm. As a result, you might be projecting your fear of being judged for that onto your friends, who may not be judging you at all!

Mom sharing is also a good way to check yourself and how you are choosing to raise your own child. My friends do things like drop their 5 year olds off for playdates and leave them. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, but when I talk to them about it, it reinforces for me in my mind that it just isn't something I am personally comfortable with. It sounds like you do this too (for example, it helps you realize you want to keep home schooling), so recognize the value in that as a positive thing, not a negative thing.

As far as home schooling, I am not sure what you mean by "unschooling", but my daughter is in full-time kindergarten and I know part of the reason they examine how accurately they are drawing pictures of say, the cat, is because it shows them how well developed their fine motor skills are. These exercises aren't always what they seem to be on the surface, for example how well the child can draw just for the sake of drawing. Those fine motor skills do need to be developed, drawing is one way to exercise those muscles and monitor their improvement.

At the end of the day, I think it is normal for moms to be proud of their kids and their accomplishments and to share that with their friends. Did you ever consider what your friends might be saying about you when you're not around? It might be something like, "gee, why doesn't J. G. ever share with us? She seems so closed off." There's a great scene from the movie Dead Poet's Society where Robin Williams has his students stand on their desks in order to get a different perspective on the classroom. They see things from up there that they didn't see before. I think about that scene often in my own life because I think the message is so true. The next time you are with your friends and you feel like they are just bragging, stand on the desk - maybe you'll see it from a different perspective.

Ok as a mom of two kids that took a long time to have and that I never thought I would have, it is wonderful to see them do things they couldn't do before and to enjoy their growth in all areas.

I am not into bragging and I used to work with kids and many, many parents would think their kid was "gifted" which used to irk me.

My kids are young and and have a long way to go. Talking with other moms about their latest accomplishments or lack there of is just conversation to me. Mostly we talk about our mess ups as parents or a phase we or they are going through. Our conversations are usually short and often interrupted so they don't get to deep except with my closest friend.

Since I had my second child, I always try to give other moms a break and not be judgmental. (Did I spell that right? :0) We are all just trying to manuver our way around this parenting world without blueprints for our kids. It's always trial and error and ever changing. Enjoy!

Cartoonists can make good money. :o)

I had to distance myself from the "Joneses". I got a lot of that on base.
Just give me normal.

You need new friends!

I'm not for over sceduled kids with too much curriculum cramed into every second of their day and I'm not for "unschooling" either - I take a middle of the road approach..
And as a side note, my kids ARE gifted. They not only excell academically and are placed in certain courses for it, but they succeed in almost everything - art, athletics etc. That being said here, I keep my trap shut about it in the real world!!! I would never want to make another parent feel inferior by comparison. My kids are just who they are, they were pretty much just born that way and I nutured it! I'm not some superhero or something!
You need people around you who are like minded with you. Friendship shouldn't be hard to tolerate! ;)

You sound a bit over-sensitive regarding the other moms' comments.

That said, it seems cool that you are removing your kiddos from the rat race.

It's just chit-chat. Doesn't sounds like it's really "bragging" in my opinion. I am not sure if you are homeschooling to keep your child from being "labled" as gifted or learning disabled. Yes, all kids are different and I certainly applaud natural learning. But that mom who mentioned perspective is right. If your child has a subtle issue that effects her learning, you might not know it until it's too late. My friends daughter was told in pre-k that she had attention issues. She is the sweetest, friendliest girl, but also flakey. The girl now is in special ed and gets targeted help so when she gets older she will have no issues at all. You would never know from meeting her that she was learning disabled. I do believe that we as moms know our children the best. But that does not mean that we know everything. I think you need to re-evaluate. And what does that mean that it would be ok if your kids became plumbers or electricians? Many people in "blue color" professions make 6 figures. Everyone wants what is best for their child.

GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE!
Seriously....kudos to you, for understanding that your kids development, isn't a competition with any other kid! Your refusal to participate in the race, is a gift to them of love and an acceptance to your children, as little developing people. No one should feel pressure over that. Not the parents, nor the children. Every step of their journey is meant to enjoy and celebrate.

As for your friends...if they are otherwise worth keeping (?), and bring much positive value to your life through their friendships, I'd just avoid discussing the bothersome topics with them as much as possible. Meanwhile, there is no doubt your own children will show them in time, that kids will grow and accomplish great things on their own, as they enjoy developing and learning without the pressures, and following their own passions. It's a beautiful thing to witness, and I've got a feeling you know it.

E

I think Grandma T had some wonderful insight and that's pretty much how I feel...as mother's we should build each other up as much as we can! As far as homeschooling goes (because I too will begin that journey this summer) now that I have one in 1st and one about to enter Kindergarten I have decided homeschooling is the right thing for my family for many reasons but fear of them being labeled is not one of them. I am proud of my children no matter the label society/school children may give them. I haven't started yet, so I am no expert, but I plan to follow the classical approach in most areas of learning. We will of course have many more opportunities for field trips, music lessons and everyday living (like making dinner together :) We are so looking to this!! Try to find some HS groups in your area and best wishes to you and your children as you learn and grow together as a family!