Wisdom Requested

Honey, I hear you!! I was the wife of an alcoholic for 15 years, he was also a very controlling person. Before I realized it I was so co-dependent, that I was almost a "non person". BE CAREFUL!!

I was in a very similiar situation. A marriage is based on trust and communication. How much does he trust you if he would rather you quit your job than end up in the same city as this friend? I will say this though...in person, over the phone, on the internet...it's all the same. Don't rationalize. Accountability...that's something you want to teach your child too, right? I busted my husband doing the same thing. He rationalized it by saying it was over the phone. My first thought is..."so it was an emotional relationship without the physical intimacy". My second thought..."how do I know he's telling the truth?". If you create doubt, he wont trust you. I know this is tough to hear but you didn't post so someone would help you rationalize, right? Good luck

You do what have to do. There seems to be no end in sight for you. Where does this end and even if you do quit and stay home, then he might tell you that you cannot go to the grocery store alone or to the mall. If he is this paranoid it will only get worse the more you fall into line for him. What if you quit and then one day he decides that he thinks you are still cheating and he leaves you, then you will be jobless and it will be hard to get a new job because they will say you were not willing to follow training procedures for your last company. I think you do what is best for you and your child, take it from me husbands come and go. I say go on the trip and let him leave if he wants to.

If it were me I would go. I have once been in your shoes and for me things worked out. If he doesn't trust you how can you as a couple begin to heal. You trusted him while he was not sober and now that he's sober you trust he's not drinking again...that's just my thinking. No one can tell you what to do but you...

C.,

I haven't had to deal with my husband thinking that I was cheating on him. But I have had to deal with choosing my job or my family. I loved my job and what I did on an everyday basis. My job just needed a lot of my attention. It was breaking my marriage. It came down to me figuring out what was more important to me. I love my husband and didn't want this to get between us. My job, I could get fired the next day. If I chose my job over my husband and I did get fired, then I would have nothing. So I chose my husband. Right before I handed in my resignation letter, I found out I was pregnant for the second time. So what we decided is that I would continue working until I gave birth so that we can set aside the money I was making for the second child. That really helped my decision. Of course now I look back at it, and I wouldn't change a thing. That was the best thing that I could've done for my family, and marriage. I could easily get another job somewhere else. I won't ever be able to duplicate my family.

C.,
If he really loves you and the two of you have talked about this issue already, just reitterate the situation and let him know that you are doing this to make everyones life easier.. How can advancing your career not be helping your family??? I have the same thing with my hubby, I was at a team building event and he swore that I was out with some one. He even sent me extreamly rude text messages on my phone. Good news is that you two are still together an Married. Tell him that "you and I are Married, As long as I wear this ring I am yours!!!" he needs to hear that you are 100% dedicated to him!
Please don't sacrifice your happiness for his uneasy fealings. No matter what you do, only he can change how he trusts you. just know that you are not doing anything wrong.

Part of the healing process is your husband having trust in you. You need to reassure him that of course you love him but that he has to trust you just like you are trusting he is recovering, with out trust there is no relationship. I would have to say you should go because this would benefit your family. Tell him not to be selfish. Good luck!!!

Oh my C., this is a tough one. Unfortunately, you are the only one that knows the answer to your question. Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs? Deep... down... inside, where do you see yourself? Still with your husband? What kind of relationship do you have with him? Is this jealousy thing going to go away? Jealousy is the root of all evil they say. It can destroy everything. You must do what your womans intuition tells you. Again you live there...you've been with him for 9 yrs. Do what you need to do, only you know. Good Luck C.. Take Care.

I was married for 24 years to a man that was an alcoholic and very controlling, and in a similar situation. No one can actually tell you what to do, you already know it in your heart. One thing I will tell you is, once you give in, there will always be something else that you will have to give, until he has total control and you are no longer your own person with your own ideas. Good Luck!!

Well, this is a trust issue with your husband. You didn't have a physical affair but he feels you betrayed him emotionally (and he suspects more). Don't give up your job. If for some reason you did and things didn't work out with your marriage, could you support yourself without the job??? He wants you to stay home and not work so you won't be tempted (he thinks you can be) and he'll know where you are and who you're with at all times. Well, that's not possible in any healthy relationship. All I can say is to reassure your husband, go on the trip and call him at every opportunity to check in. He may need this to build up the trust again. However, he betrayed you and your family by putting his addiction before you. So he needs to build up trust with you also. He needs to see that this works both ways. Maybe your relationship was inappropriate (shouldn't have been talking to another man) but your husband certainly wasn't helping matters. Try to continue to move on. When people work things out, they are honest about EVERYTHING and understand that it takes time to build trust. Your life won't be normal for quite some time, but it will be again.

Wow C.. You are not alone with the situation in your marriage. I wouldn't go for my marriage sake. Turn it around, would you want him to go if he was the one with the ex? My husbabnd put me through a similar situation,and all I kept telling him, when he needed to be around this girl and I wouldn't let him was, "Well you shouldn't have put yourself in that kind of situation in the first place, now look where it leaded. Everything would be fine if you never started talking to her". This in not about permission, I am sure he doesn't control you, but when it comes to insecurities, I would do what is best for my marriage,and yes the other spouse should have a say so when it comes to stuff like this. Feeling like your spouse might have had an affair or is having one, is a horrible feeling and no one should ever have to feel that way, so why disregsard his. In a marriage, you husband will always be there, at a job, they really couln't care less about you. In the end who will still be there? In the very end? Gosh I hope everything works out for you. I wouldn't want to be in your situation. I am sure you will make the right choice. Best wishes.

Dear C., While the friendship that you maintained with a childhood friend and lover for a brief moment was not validated with an "affair", I think you should be able to attend the 3 day training class, but ask yourself,what are your intentions? When you go to this other town with the training classes, do you plan on contacting this man? If you think for a second or somewhere in the back of your mind that you might, then I would not go. Your marriage is more important. Your relationship with your husband is beginning to heal and TRUST in ALL areas and on BOTH sides of this relationship is one of the main steps to a healing process.

Now on the other hand I know if you quit the job, you will not have extra money and this will be the sacrifice you make to continue helping your marriage heal, which is great, but hubby is going to have to learn to trust. (Counseling, Counseling, Counseling) This can not go on forever, because I guarantee this will not be the last time that he will allow the "trust monster" to rear its ugly head in your marriage.

I think you could go or you could stay but one thing is evident. The trust factor needs to be worked on so issues like this in the future will not have a bearing on something so important in life.(Family)

HONESTLY I HAVE BEEN IN THAT SAME SITUATION KINDA. BUT MY HUSBAND WOULD WANT ME TO GO ON IF IT WAS JOB RELATED. YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WETHER YOU ARE HAPPY WORKING OR WANT TO LOSE YOUR JOB AND WHATEVER ELSE HE DOESN'T TRUST YOU TO DO . LIVE YOUR LIFE AND DON'T LET ANYONE PRESSURE YOU.

I have never been in your exact situation but I can let you in on what I did! Maybe it will help, then again maybe it won't! I have a guy friend that I have known since I was in high school and we used to talk ocasionally. It really upset my ex husband that we talked, but at the same time he was never home and was always to busy to spend time with me. We used to argue about my friend all the time, my ex was positive we were more than friends, but honestly we had never done a thing! I was a stay at home mom, and he always accused me of cheating. To make a long story short I quit talking to my friend and let my husband "win". Come to find out my ex had a girlfriend on the side and him accusing me of cheating was his way of justifying his actions. If he thought I was doing it then why not he do it too!?! I had a choice fix my marrige and raise our son together pretending he never cheated and I had to give up a friend, or get out and get on with my life. I chose to get out and get on with my life. I loved my husband very much but I couldn't stay married to him knowing what I knew and for the sake of our boy. I am a firm believer DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS!! It is not healthy for them to see mommy and daddy fighting, they will be much happier kids and eventually understand why this was done. I had to then go out and find a job and support my child and myself. It has made me much stronger and I am happier now than I have ever been!!

I hope you make the right choice and if you follow your heart you can't go wrong!! Good luck!!

C.,
Wow that is a hard one. Well, If I was in your shoes I would decide on finacially if your job could be replaced very easily. Second, think back to when you were first married all was fresh and new. Would you of not gone eight years ago? Third, I believe in god's word a whole lot, and I would not go unless it puts you in finacial danger. God says we must obey and the man of the house is the head of the house. If he is willing to put you & your family in finacial danger than he is thinking out of pure spite/jelousy and you need to make that descion and probably go. If it wouldn't put in danger then I would say no. I would tell my boss that he will have to send someone else or you'll have to wait till it is in another city. I diffently wouldn't tell your work this. I would tell them my husband will not let me go. Hope it works out for ya.

Everyone gets in similar situations every now and then. I remember when my husband was in tech school, Our marriage wasnt going so well, we had no money and I had just made my first move away from home. Anyway, he used to come home from school talking about a certain girl, everyday now he talked about her, he ever met her parents!!! I was furious and just knew he had cheated on me.. He would have to stay late at school and I just knew he was with her!!!! I was very upset, my mind would just wonder all day about it. I was very depressed. We did finally move away from there and he hasnt seen or talked to the girl in over 2 years, but I still remember her name!!! So I know how your husband must feel, on the other hand I know how you feel about this job. This one is gotta be from the heart, You have to decided whats more important to you, and do what your "gut" is telling you..It usually isnt wrong!! Your in a rough spot, If your marriage is just now healing then I think I would work on that, there are a ton of jobs out there, but if you really do love your husband he cant ever be replaced. But Your not me, you have to do what you know is right..I hope everything works out.

Hi C.,
I can sympathize with both you and your hubby. I am married to a recovering alcoholic and so I know the loneliness and desperation of living with this bewildering disease. Luckily my childhood friend whose shoulder I cried on is a gay guy. As for your friendship with your male friend, it could be referred to as an emotional affair. When my husband was drinking, he formed a friendship with a bartender. I wasn't suspicious be/c she looks like a man wearing a red wig. However, one day I opened his cellphone bill and saw they had spoken on the phone 40 times in one month. I opened his office phone bill and saw they had spoken an additional 50 times. That's an average of 3 times a day. One conversation was 73 minutes long. There were text messages and IM's in addition to all those calls. I was completely devastated. He said they were planning on starting a business. He justified also that I was too preoccupied with the children. I still consider that he had an affair. I had no proof that anything physical occurred between them, but that was an emotional affair and it crushed me. Over the past months, I have had to come to terms with the fact that it's over and it had nothing to do with me. If I'm going to be an emotionally healthy person, it is my job to forgive and move on. It has not been easy. It still stings a bit whenever something happens to remind me.

I believe your husband's anger is justified but he also must accept his part in the situation. Had he been sober, this would all be a non-issue. If he is in a 12-step program this should be apparent to him. If he has a sponsor, he should discuss this with him. Part of his recovery is letting go of resentment. Allowing you to attend the training class may be a spiritual exercise for him...not easy, but a part of healing and growth. Let go and let God.

If you have a job that you love, I would not let it go. Of course your family comes first, but compromising your career doesn't ultimately help your family situation. Resentment may set in on your part and that will not be beneficial. Have you ever attended Al-Anon? I still go even tho my hubby is sober. Even in sobriety, the alcoholic personality has it's challenges.

I will pray for you, my friend, that you can retain your career and your family. Lord knows you deserve it after all you've been thru!

If you have no trust in a marriage, do you really have a marriage? When will it end? When you can't go to the grocery store alone? I just don't understand when a man wants to hold his wife back from making great strides in her life. Your firendship with this other man may have something to do with it, but I think the emotions your husband is feeling goes much deeper. Marriage is a 2 way street, trust is a very big part a 'healing'.
Just my opinion.

This is a difficult situation to be sure. I know your family comes first but consider this: If you do not go on your trip and lose your job you will have lost some money. maybe that is a big deal, maybe it isn't. But, also consider: Will you have any regrets or negative feelings towards your husband for not trusting you? It may be OK for a while, but I think that in a few years you may look back and think that things might be better if I had kept my job. Or things might be better if he trusted me.
Anyways, the decision is yours. I'm just saying that if he can't trust you to take a trip for work what else will you miss out on because of trust issues

Family should come first. Is it worth risking the future happiness of your child should the two of you end up divorcing? Perhaps you could find another job so you could have extra money? I just personally feel that since your hubby has made strides in improving himself and your relationship that you owe yourself and him the opportunity to really have a wonderful marriage...most great marriages have had difficult roads and the fact that you pull through them make your marriage and your family stronger.

Hi! Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My husband is also, a recovering alcoholic. He has worked in another state for most of our marriage. I was in the army, so I was stuck in Texas. He pressured me to get out of the army and move closer to where he worked. I gave in. I thought I was doing the best thing for my children. I thought that we would be able to save our marriage. I guess I figured that everything would be perfect. I was wrong. He thought for sure that I was sleeping with the neighbor's 21 year old son when he went to work. I guess he didn't believe that I was really friends with an older lady. If he called and I was on the internet, he accused me of chatting with my online lover.
He never acted like he trusted me. He finally said that he didn't believe that he was good enough for me. He always thought that I was going to stay with him until something better came along. Our relationship ended after he hit me. I had him arrested and I packed up what I could and moved in with my mom for a few months. I finally got a job in TX again and moved back with my kids.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you give up your career to make him happy...it still might not be enough. I think you should consider going to have to go to marriage counseling.

I wish you the best. Alcoholism is a hard, long struggle for everyone in the family.

I would go. Realize, though that if you do he will probably get drunk. Just my experience with vindictive recovering alcoholics talking - but it's been pretty true to the course in my experience.