Widow Moms

I think that this will certainly affect your son (and you!) for a long time to come. You can't control other people, but you guys at least should seek either professional or spiritual counseling to help you truly work through the issues that undoubtedly lie beneath the surface for both of you. Hopefully in time, his parents will come around.

Until then, I would write them a letter Start it with Dear Mom and Dad, then move onto why you are angry. Use those words "I am angry because I feel like you abandoned our family at a crucial time. I am angry that you blame me for having my husband's wishes, and not yours fulfilled."...etc. Then say why you are sad "I am sad that we have lost a much bigger part of our family than just my husband with his death. I am sad that directly or indirectly, you are keeping my step daughter from us. I am sad that you no longer seem to care about me as a family member. I am sad that my husbands death brought this on."...etc. Next: Fear. "I am afraid that my son is suffering. I am afraid that he feels abandoned. I am afraid that having to deal with this plus his dad, might make him have problems later in life. I am afraid I might not see ___(stepdaughter)___ again. I am afraid of losing her love over this conflict. Next: Apologize. Be sincere. Use the words "I'm sorry". Think of things you may have done that seemed hurtful to them, and how you may have contributed to the problem unconsciously. Finally. Tell them you still care for them as family, no matter what their feelings may be, and that nothing will change that. Tell them you know they have to grieve in their own way and in thier own time. Then tell them what you would like. "I would love to reconnect with you as a family" or whatever statement defines what you would like to see as an outcome. Send it. If you get a response, wonderful, if you don't, well, it may take them some time... Your open and honest communication about your feelings should help them identify with thier own feelings, and help them have compassion for you and for your "cause". And keep inviting them to birthday parties, etc. And don't take it personally if they can't attend. Explain to your son as well (if you feel that it's appropriate) that there is no way to hurry Grandma and Grandpa's grieving process, and that for them seeing you may just remind them of their loss at this time. Let him know that it is likely that they will come through it in their own good time, and let him know that he did NOTHING to cause thier withdrawl. Good luck!

May Love, Light, and Laughter be yours.

T.

Hi L.,
My sister in law works for an organization called SandCastles which is an organization run through Henry Ford Health Systems and helps families with children who have lost close loved ones, mostly loss of a parent or grandparent. This is an amazing group that can help your son through all stages of this life and would be a great source for your step-daughter, yourself and your older son as well. Please let me know if you are interested and I can provide you with the phone number for the organization. They are likely to be able to assist you in this situation as I am sure that this is not unique to your family, unfortunately.

Explain to your step daughter that ultimately the decision to be a welcome part of your family group is her decision. But advise her not to let fear of the in laws opinions keep her from having one. Their issues are theirs, not hers.
You honored your husband's wishes. It was a joint decision. If the inlaws have a problem with that, then it's something they need to deal with. They will ultimately miss out on your son and your step daughter and interaction with them.
Meanwhile, there are plenty of senior citizens who would love to play grandma/grandpa to nice kids. Kids need the gift of senior moments, because it lets them know of times past and how life was once.

http://youngwidow.org/ It's a great site,I don't post much,just read but it helps alot.

I am not a widow but I feel for you. I am a new mom as of four months ago. I lost my mom a year before, god I miss her. Your in-laws lost their son, but you lost your husband and the father of your child. I don't want to hurt or sadden you when I say that. You really need to call them up invite them over and tell them that their grandchildren need them and you do to. Your step daughter is growing up so fast and she needs to do what feels right for her not everyone else. You are her family no matter what. I also have a step daughter she is 15. Her brother, my son is so important to her. Keep us posted and good luck!!

L., it sounds like you may be in a rough place but unfortunately your post is not very clear. How old is your son? How long were you married? What help are you looking for from us? Please repost and try to be a little clearer with your issue(s) I know it can be difficult to be clear when you are hurting but we need to understand your problem before we can offer any input.

Be strong, be positive and take care.

It sounds like your in laws have cut you and your son out of their life since your husbands death, and that your husbands family is making it difficult for your step daughter to have a relationship with you.

Yes, things are a bit unclear in your post and it would help if you reposted with a tiny bit more information. However, if my initial assumptions are correct, I do have a couple of things to say.

First, they are not only hurting you and your son, but also huring themselves.
Second, you can't change people and it takes both sides to create a relationship.

So, if they would be open to it, I would suggest sitting down and talking with them. Maybe with a neutral third party ... to clear the air. Get your thoughts and feelings out in a calm and adult manner. Hopefully with some honest to goodness open communication you could heal the waters and start fresh. If they are unwilling there isn't much you can do. And in that case I would continually remind your son how much his daddy loved/s him and how much you love him. His relationship wiht his grandparents will not be healthy, but at least he will have a good loving home and will know he is loved and cared for.

As far as your step-daughter... she is still young. Upsetting her family is of concern to her. Let her know that you care for her and will always welcome her. When she is a bit older and a bit more independent she just may seek you out if she knows the door is always open.

This must be a difficult time for you, to have lost your husband and not have the support of family.

L.; I agree with the other... I know you are upset, but I can not make much sense out of what is going on in your post?

I think we need just a teeny bit more from you in order to better help you out.

But bottom line: If your husbands' family is cutting you out after his death, not only will your son be affected, but yes, they will too. They may be too proud to show it~ but everyone is affected.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was eight and my sister was four. My dad's side of the family never contacted us again. I am now 36 and I still never hear from them. I am the first grandchild but that didn't mean anything I guess. I heard about the death of my grandpa and went to his funneral. My grandmother,aunts and uncles refused to let me sit up front with the rest of the grandkids/family. I was seated in the back row! I have tried in the past to try to stay in touch but I am unsuccessful. I understand completely what your son is going through or will go through. It hurts that is for sure but at least I can say that I have tried. I will keep you in my prayers. Every child needs their grandparents!