Why Have Kids If You're Just Going to Complain About Them???

You could say that about me.

I feel like I'm not cut out to parent. I don't have the "joy" gene that others seem to have. My kids are handfuls, and I frequently feel like I'm doing it wrong because I don't seem to be good at controlling them. I didn't see that coming before I had them.

I vent to others with my negative sarcasm because it's my only outlet.

But hey, now at least I feel bad about that, too.
Thanks for that.

Question about those two moms - do they ONLY complain about their kids, or do they complain about things in general??

You know Eeyore, in Winnie the Pooh, right? I know lots of Eeyores. (I know lots of Tiggers, too...) Complainers, whiners are like Eeyore. Except some of them act like Tigger ALONG WITH their Eeyore complaining!! Talk about wearing people around them out and frustrating everyone around them!!

Why do people stay married when all they do is complain about their spouse? Why do people stay in a house when all they do is complain about it? Why do people stay in a JOB when all they do is complain about it? I see people here on this site who have made it perfectly CLEAR that they hate their CHOSEN professions. And boy, do they have huge chips on their shoulders. Why don't they change professions? I think that because they are SO negative that they couldn't see their way to doing the work it takes to market themselves and show others that they are capable. It's just easier to make excuses and be pains in the butt to everyone around them.

That includes people who do nothing but complain and badmouth their own kids.

If you have NEVER heard them say one thing positive about their kids, then it's all on them. They are miserable people, mama. Just like miserable people who bellyache about everything else in their lives.

Some women get around other moms, and see it as free reign to rant about everything they've bottled up. They might never complain about their children outside of these other times with moms. And, they might complain all the time. You really can't know which it is, since you have such a small window of time around them.

They're just looking for some moral support. Someone to talk about the trials they're going through so they can see they're not alone and not doing it all wrong.

Maybe it could be that they don't have anyone else to commiserate with.
To get help from.
To bounce ideas off of.

Also, I think motherhood changes people.

It could, also, be that they are negative people to begin with.

I do know that stress can come out in a myriad of ways.

Just take what they in one ear & out the other.

I heard recently, can't remember where, that if the parent is complaining it's because they are involved and present. If they weren't there would be nothing to complain about, and they would have nothing to say.

I guess I don't see what you are saying as complaining - you asked them how they are and they are assuming you are genuine and answering your question truthfully, mom-to-mom. I don't see saying you are tired or that potty training is going bad as complaining - sounds like a typical mom discussion.

I don't like when moms talk about how perfect their lives are - it's much more annoying to me if a mom is going on and on about how her life is perfect and her kids are perfect and how they live in fantasyland - no one's life and children are as perfect as some moms I've encountered. Those are the women I avoid. I like the real moms, like me :)

So you are with these women 24/7 and KNOW that all they do is complain. Hmmmm, interesting.

That may be the only time they have to vent. I'm sure they didn't think they were going to be judged because of it.

If they always said everything was fantastic and their kids are perfect, etc., you'd be on here complaining that they aren't honest and how tired you are of hearing that their kids are perfect.

If you don't want to hear the answer, stop asking the question.

Why does this question make me laugh?

I think I mostly agree with Doris and Bug -- they probably are generally complainers, however, I agree with the point someone brought up that being alone with kids all the time can tend to make one vent a lot when finally in adult company.

When I was a SAHM of little kids, I never got a break from them, and I used to think I got what I called "verbal diarrhea" when in the company of adults. It wasn't all complaining though, just the release of finally being in the company of people I could really talk to. Kids are cute, but little ones aren't generally scintillating conversationalists.

Despite Mum4ever's experience, one of the only ways I could endure the teen years was to be able to vent about them to friends. Thankfully after 10 years of it among 3 kids, it's almost over. Now if I had had a supportive, united husband throughout the experience, instead of one who undermined me, it would have been a lot more brief. Whatever.

Mira -- hilarious response!

Why do some moms complain about other moms always complaining?? ; )

If only we could control what other people said...

I agree with Cali on this ;)

One thing to consider: If I'm having a bad parenting day, the last thing on God's green earth I want to hear is "Tra la la, my child is astronomically perfect, don't I just love being a mom?" So, when I'm having a *good* parenting day, I try to remember those bad days and temper the public acclaim.

I've also found that some of my warmest and most cherished friendships have been founded over the mutual recognition -- "Why didn't anyone tell us this would be so hard?"

And, I think complaints like this are sort of like other people's fashion choices. I'm not a big fan of, say, gold lamee (sp?), but if someone wants to wear it, it's my problem if it's not my thing, not theirs.

Very astute observation Mama!!!

These are the same moms who complain so much about the pubescent years, that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

On a positive note, I'm not one of those moms. I love my kids and am proud of them and build them up and I don't have issues and problems and horrible times with my teenagers. They are respectful, compassionate kids.

Also, I'm sure they learned that negativity from their families of origin, or the media, or some other unreliable source.

I didn't read all 21 previous responses before me.
But, I think some Moms do this (and I know what you mean), because they have no one else to "vent" to.
Probably they can't even talk to their Husband.
So, whoever they bump into, they unknowingly just spew it all out.

I feel like those are the moms who thought having kids would be all sunshine and glitter and rainbows.. but once they had their kids got a huge reality check. either that or they just like complaining, some people just do, kids or not they would complain about anything and everything

Wow, I don't know if I've ever said anything positive about my kids, to other moms. "He can read above grade level" or "he sleeps through the night" would I guess make me feel like I'm bragging. And, mostly I'm in the middle of chaos and all I do is complain because my kids do drive me nuts nearly all the time! But really, it allows others to give me ideas of what works for them. And, I always love to hear the same from others. It makes you feel not alone.

I don't think it has anything to do with parenting. If they didn't have kids they would probably be complaining about their jobs, or spouses or something else.
Some people are just chronic complainers, that's all. I tend to avoid those types as much as I can, I find it draining and depressing!

well, because child-rearing is difficult. and because kids don't listen, or don't eat, or complain about everything, and well, because we can. i still love my kids. like em? not every day. but love them every second. but i do complain how i am on the last ounce of energy. if you're a super mom, great for you. i am just getting by.

I know what you mean and the short answer is that some people should not be parents.

That said, maybe they are cooped up all day and when someone asks they just have to vent because they have no other adult conversations/chance to vent so they do so all at once. Maybe they don't want to be a parent and it shows through. Maybe they are overwhelmed (you have no idea what could be happening behind closed doors and/or lack of support system they may have)....doesn't make it right for the child but it may explain it.

I also feel the same way about those that are always dropping their kids off, especially those that work full time and when they are off can't be bothered to spend time with or parent their kids.

I love Doris Day's answer. It is good to be reminded how grating whining and complaining can be and that we have the power of choice in most situations. I really need to remember this.

I think much of the complaining is 1-they really are stressed and unsure of what to do; 2- they hope others are going through similar because it helps to feel like you are not alone and doing it all wrong.

We all need to vent sometimes. I try to be understanding of that. If that is all a person has to offer- is negativity and venting- it might be best to lightheartedly say "gee, is there anything you like about being a mom?" or just limiting contact :)

Not everyone who has them, should have had them, ya know?!

Some women just aren't meant to be Moms .... but they feel having kids is what they are 'supposed to do' so they have them, then they are trapped and overwhelmed and miserable...and they let anyone dho will listen know it?!!!

We do it because someday we hope that our kids will be around to change our diapers, take us to doctor appointments, mow our lawns, shovel our snow, and carry on our family's name ;-) Right?

Commiseration over beer-- that's what most of us need on a daily basis.

I adore my husband but on many nights, he has about a five minute attention span, so I sometimes dish with my girlfriends and they do too. We also glow over our kids as well when they are doing well and have successes. I think it boils down to balance: some of us will regale en masse over both the positives and the things that make us want to pull our hair out. Some people only share the pleasant and 'perfect' stories and some only share the negatives because that's what they've been dealing with at that moment.

Frankly, when we were having sleep issues, I kinda wondered why I'd had a kid, too.

I agree with you!

Sadly, some adults fall back on this as a way to converse with others. They're in a setting where everyone is there because they have kids, right? So they talk about what everyone there has in common, kids, only they don't note that Jimmy has finally mastered potty training or Jenny had a really nice year at school; they go for the commiseration conversation, figuring that every parent will smile and commiserate with misery stories. What I dislike about it is that it shortchanges the kids! They end up being portrayed only as troublesome.

I guess maybe we've all been told so much that it's wrong and bad to brag about our children that some folks go too far in the other direction. Maybe they fear that ANY positive comment about their child will be labeled as bragging and they'll become "that mom" who brags about her kids obnoxiously. It is sad to me that a parent can't share something positive about her own child without fearing she'll be labeled a bragger.

As for these negative nellies who only complain, next time try redirecting them by asking positive questions and making positive comments about their kids -- "Potty training's tough but it will happen eventually. But meanwhile, little Jimmy's a great walker and so smart." Or: "Oh, my daughter said Jenny did the coolest school project about X! That sounds great! How did she come up with that?" If mom can only focus on how big a pain it was to drive Jenny to the craft store for her project material, or how Jimmy's walking is annoying because he can escape mom now -- well, again, that's just sad.

Me either, Mum4ever!

Of course, I have my days, but I love, love, LOVE my kids and I love having them around. They are awesome, respectful and fun. My daughter is 15 and we have NEVER (honestly!) had the "I hate you" conversation. And you know what? I know we never will.

My son is a hoot. He is insightful, thoughtful and so very funny.

I'm sad for women who can't find the joy in their children. But in the case of the moms you describe, it sounds like they need to grow up...

ETA: Excellent answer, Doris Day!

Completely agree. I sit at gymnastics sometimes and listen to these 2 mothers every week with their complaints. I complain too but try to limit it and I get so sick of this "my life is the hardest" stuff. Overall most of us have it pretty good. What really gets me is someone with 3 or 4 kids who constantly complains. Why did they have 3 or 4 kids then?? After the first, you know what you're getting into. Hence, you decide to have 3 or 4, you asked for it. I stopped at 2 bc if I didn't, I know I would have complained a lot and why should people have to listen to that? You're not a martyr bc you had more kids than you can handle somewhat gracefully. It was just poor planning and decision making.

ETA: thinkign more, I don't mind women who are really overwhelmed and sheepish about it. It's the martyr or kind of angry mom thing that gets me. Commiserating is one thing. Trying to one up with how much harder they have it is another.

Yeah, that's weird. Maybe they are the type to just be negative in general and it spills into their parenting. I get tired, my kids drive me bonkers sometimes too, but I love being a mom :)....most days!! I have seen some people like that too and I wonder what their kiddos must think of that!! It's like those women who only complain about their marriages. I always think there must be underlying issues going on.

Maybe they truly do have difficult children. I rarely complain about my own kids because they rarely give me reason. I do know moms who regularly complain, but with good reason! I am sure I would also complain had my kids not slept through the night or were difficult to potty train or back-talked me. As for going in many directions at once, that is usually the parents own doing, because with the exception of school activities, the parents control what extra activities the children participate in. Maybe they had expectations of what parenting would be, but did not count on having a difficult child. One of my close friends has a child who has ASD, OCD, ADHD and ODD, and believe me she complains, often, but she has reason to. Despite her complaints she does the best she can under those difficult circumstances.

I do know what you mean. There's a mom whose daughter went to DD's preschool. The mom had NO PATIENCE. I watched her drag her kid out by one arm while disgustedly throwing away the day's art in the trash on the way out the door. Thankfully the father seemed to actually care about his child, but the mom was just...off. She said she was going to see about testing her DD to get into K early (nobody thought the kid was ready) just so her daughters would be in the same school for a couple of years together. She seemed alternately like she felt sending kids to public school was feeding them to the wolves but was rather anxious for her child to start attending. I really really felt for that little girl. Kid was wonderful and sweet, but her mom didn't seem to have time for her, ever. Never saw the child at any of the classmate's parties and she didn't have one for the class, either.

Maybe it's still venting for them. You also get those people that just have that personality - they are just chronic complainers and they always have something to complain about. The mother of a classmate of mine in high school was like this - we were in band together, and whenever my mom ran into her, my mom would ask how she was doing, just being polite. This other mom would start listing all the things that was wrong with her - she had a number of health problems, so it was always about what she was dealing with, how sick she felt, her daughter's health problems, etc. It got to a point where my mom just stopped asking. Some people are just like that - they probably complain about other things as well.

LOL - that's funny. When someone asks about mine I always say we're good because I usually don't think they really want to know blow-by-blow. I love my kids but sometimes, man parenthood can wear you out =)

However when I read your "non-vent" I thought to myself well "why ask them if you don't want to know how they are doing" good or bad? Maybe instead of asking them how they are doing just say "hey, nice to see you" and leave it at that.

My guess is they had no idea how hard parenting was going to be and it didn't turn out the way they expected. They are frustrated and disappointed and trying to make sense of the fact that their life is totally not what they thought it would be.

Or, the pregnancy was accidental and they never really wanted kids in the first place.

I love my kids more than anything in this world.Of course they do bug me and do things i dont like.And i would not like another parent saying to me "my son learned how to walk and he is super good like better then yours"but every parent does complain about there kid,you even had maybe.