Why Does My 7 Yr Old Son Not Want to Talk with His Dad When He Calls?

Perhaps he's angry at his Dad for being gone and that's his way of showing it. "I'm mad at you, so I won't talk to you." Perhaps he'll talk to you about it some time when Dad'd not on the phone. Judy S.

It may be a coping mechanism for him; maybe it's easier for him to have zero contact so dad isn't on his mind and he doesn't start missing him. Maybe he feels like dad didn't want to be home with him and that's why he re-enlisted (not the case, but you never know how li'l ones interpret things) I would just leave it alone OR plan what might be said during the call. Maybe dad or your 7 year old can tell each other a funny joke and that could be part of the routine of the call. Any chance that you have a video phone? That would probably make a big difference? Don't push it but do encourage it with "Let's tell Daddy a funny joke" or "Daddy has a silly joke for you"

Hi, my name is T.. I remember when I was married to my x-hubby & my son was 6yrs old, he went thru the same thing. I found out he was quit scared for his dad's safety. While trying to figure him out I took him to counciling to help him & found out that he heard news & stories of people that were getting injured in Iraq. Anyways, after discussing with the councelor, I tried a little something-I told him let's go to daddy favorite store & pick something out he'd like. So we did & he picked out a hand held rechargable screw driver, I let him keep in his room for security- daddy's favorite tool I did take it apart so he wouldn't harm himself-the next time he was soo overwhelmed to tell his dad about the tool he got him & that he would save it for him so they can work on stuff around the house. I think my son was just scared to hear his voice one minute & not know if he was gonna ever see him again?? It worked for him-I also stayed home with him while my husband was out for his tour..
~God Bless You & your Family~Be safe & strong~

J.,
First thing please tell your husband Thank You from myself and my loved ones for serving our country, and thank you for the scarfices you are making as well
As an old Military Bratt and mother it is most likely you little one is angry confused and even scared. He is not to young to understand war and know that men are dieing everyday. He also can put army togeher with war.pushing him to talk to his dad may nit be a good idea, set aside a special time where the three of you write or/and draw pictures etc to send to dad.
somehow show him how great his dad is for doing what he is doing and how much he needs all of your love and support.
Do you know the song american sholider by toby keith, let your son hear it often tell him that's your daddy he loves you and needs you. Build pride for your sonin his dad. But most of all give him time to adjust, let him know its ok to be upset with dad and to be scared.
Bar

It sounds to me like you son is mad that your husband is away and this is the only way he can express his anger. Have you tried sitting down with your son and explaining why his dad is gone and when he will be back. This is a huge change for your family and especially for your kids and it might take your son a while to adjust.

Well, it doesn't sound ABnormal. I wouldn't worry too much yet. I was a military brat. But from my earliest days I was surrounded by dad leaving sometimes, other kids' parents leaving, coming back, etc. This is very new and a very big change for a 7yo. He very well might be overwhelmed and not sure how to deal. I remember trying to be a big girl and trying to understand.

Does he ask about/talk about dad otherwise or try to avoid all mention of him? Perhaps he is afraid of how he'll respond when he hears the voice of someone he loves and misses so much?

I'm certainly not an expert here. I might say to let it go for awhile and he will come around on his own time. After awhile, seek out what resources are available to you on base. A counselor? Or is there a mom's group or play group of other families? Try to find a way for him to tell you (directly or indirectly) what's going on. Good luck to your whole family!

my exhusband was in the coast guard, and while my son didn't like to talk on the phone, i could get him to draw pictures or write small notes to him.

Your son probably did not fully understand the "daddy going away for months " concept, which is normal for a child that suddenly becomes a military brat, versing one that was born into it.
There are cub scout dens etc. that are military only which helps,as they are with experienced kids. They see and hear the news and know it is a dangerous time. Get the kids involved with activities on the fort for some support from the other kids.
When Daddy comes home institute the Daddy date,before and after deployment. One day,one kid and Dad. Dinner, movie, Zoo an entire day to spend talking about fears,experiences, and expectations all the while their having fun. When deployment is done, the same thing, to catch up, mark accomplishments etc. Contact MWR on the forts to find out what activities that they have to offer for the kids and for you. baseball,scouts,swimming, dance lessons etc.
I was raised Air force, and my daughter is Navy and when her husband is deployed MWR is the first thing on her list. It keeps the kids active and distracted.
I personally do not like the "your the Man of the house" thing as I feel it puts way to much pressure and adds to much stress to a set of shoulders that are much to small to carry that kind of burden. They are kids after all.
Good luck and know that the Military is a sacrifice that most deserves recognition.
I know it is basically a Navy film but, our kids positively love it. The Tiger Cruise on the Disney channel. It might show your kids that there are other kids in the same boat, so to speak and how what they make of it can be a mind set and very positive. Also make contact with your Omsbudman. Every unit has one, after the service man gets out of boot.

Talk to the family resource center on base... they should have a lot of great ideas... I know the Air Force has books called "My Mommy/Daddy is in the Air Force," it seemed to help some of my friends kids to understand.

Hi J.

My son always wanted to talk with his dad when he called, however I know what it is like to be in different countries for any reason. We invested in a webcam and took up with something called Skype. By combining these, he was able to see and talk to at the same time, some time delay with using the computer. I would suggest that if you have a picture of his dad, put it in his bedroom, it might be even better if there is one in uniform so that he knows daddy is at work.

Hope this helps!

Sounds like your son is angry with his dad. In his eyes, he probably feels that dad deserted the family, you especially. Sons frequently feel they must take care of their moms when dad is not available for any reason. Perhaps a little counseling will help. A one on one between your son and husband might help a great deal. Kids are funny. Even at a very young age, (7 yrs in this case), they must deal with adult emotions but a child's reasoning abilities. A little help now may avoid a life long problem for your son. Good luck!

J.,

I just read the responses you received and they are all good advice. My neighbor was one who responded and mentioned a video phone. My husband and I are both teachers and have found a great product! My family still lives in Canada, so my grandson, whom I am raising, hasn't seen them for a few years. We have purchased a video phone for them and our selves and can now talk as long as we wish and see everyone!

Your boys might feel better about talking if they could see he was doing well and able to see them too!

Let me know if you think you would like more information regarding the phones and the service. We love it, and are representing the company now!

B.,
____@____.com

My husband is in the reserves and has to travel alot for his duty, sometimes more than the usual one weekend a month. My son is also 7 and had a hard time at first especially because he was in Afganistan for a year not that long ago. He did not want to talk to him on the phone for some time. We email and write to him instead when he doesn't feel like talking.

A great book to start communications is "Daddy Got His Orders" by Kathy Mitchell. It was written by a military family and helped my son understand that it is okay to be sad. If you feel like he won't talk to you about his feelings - very typical for this age! Then find someone who he can talk to. We had to look for a good councilor as my son is very intraverted about feelings. We finally found a good fit and things got better. My son started talking more with his father on the phone.
I know this is a hard time for you and if you need to talk you can email me at ____@____.com.
Thank you for your sacrifice
M. B.

Some kids are not comfortable on the phone. I would have your son write Dad a letter or draw him a picture. If there is any way that you could either read the letter to your husband or better yet, send him your son's pictures that he draws, it might help him express himself without the pressure of talking to him.

My 9 year old daughter still has times where she won't talk about sensitive subjects e.g. her fears; but she is able to write or draw pictures to express her feelings.

I would not pressure your 7 year old to talk on the phone, but be attentive to what he says during the day especially if he expresses his feelings about his dad. Write them down so you can relay them or again, have your son write/draw pictures.

I hope this helps. Change in routine is hard for kids.

L.

Working mom (part time) and mom to an almost 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

My Husband has been in the AF for 14.5 years and currently is on a remote to Korea for 1 year. He calls twice a week and sometimes my kids don't want to talk to him. They are both 7.5. I let them do this because I have noticed that when I make them, their behavior becomes really bad. I think it is absolutely normal for them not to want to talk to their father because I think they are mad at him for leaving for so long. I have found if I just ask them and they say no, I don't push it, so that when they say yes, they are very enthusiastic to talk. That has been my experience. Good luck and keep your chin up.

This is very normal behavior especially for a 7 yr old. For them talking with the parent who they miss just makes them sad and miss them more. So they just want to avoid feeling bad. My husband is gone for months at a time and has been for many years. Now that my boys are teenagers they love to talk on the phone with their dad, but for years they would not and they worked through it. They have a great relationship with their dad, and they actually call him on their own. A couple years ago we added a phone to our cell phone plan that was just theirs so that dad could call them on their own line. That way they didn't feel like they were taking mommy's time with daddy. They were also able to speed dial their dad and leave him voice messages and text. i know that your husband may not be able to do that right now, but it might be something for a little further down the line to help reconnect them when your husband gets home. Realize that your son is probably worried about dad but too young to process how he feels. Talking with his dad reminds him that he is worried so he avoids it. The other thing that our boys do is decide in their little heads that now that daddy is not home that they are the responsible man of the house. They put pressure on themselves and if things aren't going perfectly they don't want dad to know they are not doing the job as well as dad. Our boys are fabulous, and they tend to work these things out in time. Don't worry just maybe give him a little space with it and wait for him to ask if daddy is on the phone and maybe for the meantime daddy could leave him a message on a tape recorder or you could take one for him and write it into a little card for your son. Keeps him connected and gives him something to carry with him.

He is probably afraid that his Dad will die, and by not talking to him, he isn't able to say goodbye, so he won't die. I have seen cases where the children really believe that. There is a part of the movie, Phenomonen, where the kids and John Travolta are talking about taking bites of the apple (enjoying life while you can). I wonder if that would help. I'm sure that talking to him about his fears will help.

Two things I'm thinking...one is it hurts too much. If your son is putting it on the back burner to get through his day, he can't do that when his Dad is on the phone. The second is anger... no matter the reason your husband re-enlisted, to your son, he left HIM. My daughter was 7 when her Dad was called out to the Gulf War with the Reserves. She basically spent 2nd grade crying.

I am also an elementary school counselor and know that your sons need lots of opportunity to express what they are feeling. Not what they "should" feel ("patriotism" has no meaning to a child whose parent is gone) but what's really going on inside them. Encourage them to talk without judging what they're saying. Involve them with play-doh, art materials and toys that will allow them to play out what they are feeling. Ask for help from their school counselor &/or a community agency play therapist.

It's also important to take a look at why their Dad re-enlisted... were there relationship problems, tension, economic stress leading to it? They say kids "make overt what is covert". They feel the underlying currents, but may not have a framework to makes sense of it, or are receiving mixed messages. If you need to, get professional help to do it, but be gently honest with your sons. And... hang in there! Get support for yourself because what you are going through is extremely tough.