My stepdaughter is almost 15 and lives with my husband and I. She sees her mom eow and she lives an hour away. It has been like this for 9 years. Her mother has no interest in any day to day care for her daughter. I began taking my SD along with my kids to the doctor, dentist, hair cut, back to school shopping you name it plus some. Her dad works 60 hours a week and is happy for me to "play" the mom role as well and has given me power of attorney. Her mother has never said one word about my doing any of this. Now that SD is a teenager and she and I are having power struggles over clothes and make up and chores etc she pushes me away and says she wants her mom, wants to live with HER and that she doesnt need me to take care of her anymore. She even told her mom Im abusing her and was almost succuessful in getting her to take her dad back to court. My husband just buries his head in the sand. After 12 years of being a stepmom and 9 of them full time with no help from bio mom (not even child support) her mom told my husband I need to learn boundaries as a step parent!! That I should not discipline her kid etc. When I talk to my husband about his daughters behavior we fight. So I have already figured out what to do in regard to her attitude, behavior and discipline, I backed off and am letting her dad deal and not deal with her. My problem is I feel like Im the babysitter now if I continue to take SD to get haircuts and dental visits and allergy shots etc etc...I have to bite my tounge about everything for the sake of my marriage and the peace in my home and feel that since her actual parents dont want me to parent their kid even though she is with me all the time ( I am a stay at home mom). That they should then have all of the parenting responsibilities. Her mother will NEVER help so this will all fall on my husband. He thinks Im being ridiculous and thinks Im playing a game. Im not. My question is do I stand my ground and make my husband take over the responsibilities of caring for her (knowing a lot will not get done and I will have to just look the other way) or suck it up and learn how to not parent a kid thats not mine but that I am with all day long and take care of just like my own kids all the time?
Just wanted to add some information. I did urge my husband to let SD live with her mom. He refuses. SD spent four weeks with her mother this summer and was even worse when she came home. I think she is well aware of the reality of what life would be like if she lived with her mom instead of us and she is willing to trade that in for total freedom which is what she would get there. Her mom will not fight for her, she is all talk. I am not suggesting I neglect and ignore my husbands child. I love her very much. My question was do I continue to make her appointments and take her to the doctor etc? I still take her to and from her activities and talk to her and have a relationship with her. I have to carry a power of attorney with me to do the responsibilities Im questioning and if neither of her parents want my input or allow my authority in how she should be raised then is it fair of them to asume I will take care of other responsibilities that legal parents are expected to do? My husband and I have two children together and I do all of this type of stuff for them. I should note that whenever my SD gets mad at me for anything she doesnt speak to me until she needs something again. She has some problems and needs to see a counselor and my husband says hes looking into it though I doubt he is because he is busy. Here is a perfect example of what I mean. Do I wait for him to do it or do it myself?
I think you are now parenting a teen, which is a lot different than a child.
I think you need to be her stepmother.
And continue to parent her consistently.
You are letting the 15 year old run the show.
So....I vote: "suck it up and learn how to not parent a kid thats not mine but that I am with all day long and take care of just like my own kids all the time".
She is 15 and playing both sides against you. If she really wants to go live with her mother then let her. Just because she has a bio mom doesn't mean that she looks up to or respects her bio mom. You have been the mother figure in her life and that is why she is challenging you. This is a typical teenager thing. Stand your ground and keep things they way they were she willl have to have respect for all three parents.
Tough question. I know several families that deal with step children that when they didn't want to follow the family rules threaten to go and live with the other parent. In one instance they actually went to live with the disinterested other parent. In that case he came back because he found out the grass wasn't greener at the other parents home and the other parent found out that taking care of their teenager wasn't all that easy.
Keep trying Mom. The title of mom is earned with love, discipline, guidance of developing minds, and teaching morality, honesty and integrity.
Good luck to you and yours.
Your question is, should you ignore and neglect your husband's first child? Of course you shouldn't. That would be cruel.
I think if you continue acting this way, and thinking this way, you risk a lot. I doubt very much that it would lead to happiness or peace in your family, for anyone.
Even our own children can turn into brats when they hit the teen years and we dont get to give them away. You and hubby have to agree on house rules if she's to continue to live with you. She is 15 and if she wants to rebel and live with her mom, it might be the right thing to do. Sounds like you need to sit down and have a family discussion. Since she's a little older you may have to switch your parenting technique to fit the current circumstances. Talking about things with her so you know what she needs and wants will help you to figure out what to do. Her dad definitely needs to get on board and back you up otherwise you will get resentful.
Don't think of it as parenting a kid that's not yours, think of it as parenting a teenager.
Teenage girls are difficult. I don't know if you have a daughter of your own, but if you do, you will likely find her as belligerent as your SD when she is 15. Most fifteen year old girls are NOT FUN.
You married into this step-family, and this girl is not being properly mothered by her bio mom. The girl is blaming you, and not her mother, but that is common.
You should be the best person in this situation and continue to mother this 15 year old child, which is what she needs, and throw in as much love as you can, because she needs and deserves it. If you do this, it will be unrewarding at first, but one day she will realize who the real mother was.
Situations like this are very complicated! As you stated, you are not her mother. But it sounds like you ARE her caretaker...think of yourself as a nanny. You are taking care of other people's child. You have her at home without the parents there. You take her places she needs to go. I'm guessing you help buy her clothes and food. They aren't doing it themselves. You DO have a role.
Would a nanny/babysitter discipline? Yes, they would. Would they have the child refer to them as "mom" or anything like that? No, they wouldn't. (not saying you're having her do this)
As an adult, who is the only one around, you have the right to discippline. if there are parenting decisions (how long can she stay out at night? what clothes is she allowed to wear? what boys can she date?), you would not have say in those things. But you WOULD have the right to present the question and have an answer given back to you for you to enforce as the "nanny".
I know you're the step-parent and not a nanny, but it sounds like they aren't wanting you in a parental role. To be honest, as a teen, when my mom got remarried, it was a HUGE mistake for my mom to make my step-dad BE our dad. My dad had left, and he was allowed to fully take the role as dad and do whatever he wanted. NOT a good idea. He was (and is) NOT my father. But he is an adult, and he should have the right to have some disciplining power, especially in his own home. It's a fine, difficult line to find. I know my situation was different. He wasn't in the parental role for years prior. I was an older teen when he arrived in the picture.
i know I wouldn't want a child in my home that I wasn't allowed to discipline at all. I think that is completely unrealistic for them to expect that and maybe going more along the lines of a nanny (the type of discipline they are responsible for) would help you all be able to balance what is okay or not? Not that you would refer to yourself as a nanny. Just to help give a perspective of how to discipline without parenting.
Good luck. It sounds like a very frustrating situation! If the step-daughter wants to live with her mom, maybe she should. That doesn't need to be your burden. Her mom will learn soon enough what it's like! And good for you for parenting these past several years when no one else would.
Stop battling. Pack up little misses things and ship her off to her bio mom. Sometimes the grass isn't greener on the otherside. As for the childsupport thing, biomom should have been made to pay some form of child support. If you pack little miss off to be with her mother, mother may take you guys to court for support but don't worry about that. Just get that kid out of your house now while there is still and opportunity for her to turn around.
I doubt that biomom will even want her daughter there and that will be something your step daughter will have to deal with. Teenagers are tough, especially daughters. She is acting more like a real daughter to you than a step daughter.
If it helps don't argue too much over the clothes and makeup. Chores are non-negotiable. They must be done. Long story short is you do have an out because she is not your biokid. Take your out. It may help improve your relationship besides the other children are watching what you are doing and making their own judgements. Use her as an example.
I have seen this happen several times and nothing good ever comes of it. The best thing your husband and his ex can do is back off and let you continue as you were. If they continue to give into her manipulation it will get worse.
Just for the record, several times is 3. All three ended up on drugs and pregnant. I doubt that is what anyone wants for the girl.
It's not going to get any easier. Kids at her age will reach for anything to get their way. The fact that her mother has been out there....more of a distant friend, no kind of mother is quite the draw for her. I'd pack up her things and drive her to her mothers and leave her. Tell your husband that it's time to let her live with her mother. I'll be almost anything that she'll come home with her tail between her legs. But if she doesn't...Your days of having much influence are over. You don't have any real authority or law on your side and these days the laws don't really support the bio parents either.
What about the other 8? How many are yours with him and how many not? If he is not prepared to parent his own children without you, then you have enough of an advantage to put your foot down with him and tell him how it's going to be.
If you can't parent her than she shouldn't be with you all the time. She lives with you (and even if she didn't) and you are her step-mom...to me, that means you ARE also her parent. You need to let them all know that you can not/will not halfway parent any of your children (step child included).
She is at an age to test boundaries and has learned to play you all against each other (no 15 year thinks they want/need discipline but they all NEED it). The things you mention not wanting to do are things that need to be done and if she is with you then you should take her. Show her and them that you love her as your own and will not back down just because they push you away.
You and your husband should go to some family counseling (not with her at first) to find out the best way to handle this.
It is not good for her to be in a home where nobody has any real authority over her (since Dad's not there most of the time he's out). All teens (even bio teens) start to pull away around that age, but she does still need some good, loving guidance and boundaries.
It's not fair for you to be in a position where you have all of the responsibility but no real power. That's a recipe for disaster. But this sounds complex, and that's where I think a GOOD counselor can help both of you see some truth and a pathway to better days. Things could get worse before they get better in the next couple of years so I would get on it now.
Good luck.
Sounds like a tough situation. I would stand your ground, however, the longer it takes for your husband to open his eyes and realize he needs you to be a caretaker to this girl, the longer it will take to restore the pecking order with your family. Part of being a caretaker is providing boundaries and discipline. Hopefully your husband can see that and stand up to his ex. Otherwise he needs to let his daughter go live with her mother.
God bless you for all you have done to care for this child. Your husband should be grateful. Some day your SD will be.
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By being who you are, you may be this girl's saving grace. You are the mom, bio or not, you are the responsible party because you are the type of person who will act like a parent. The time to learn boundaries as a step parent was years ago. She needs a parent. She doesn't want it to be you, but it is.
Kids "manipulate" to get what they want. What does she want? She's screaming for her bio parents to pay attention to her.
I think you have an incredibly hard job ahead of you, should you choose to follow through as the one parent in her life.
If no one else chooses to face the situation, you may want to see a therapist for yourself.
This situtation sucks. I see your point completely, but I'll just share some anecdotal experience. My aunt remarried when my cousins were 4 and 6 years old to a wonderful man. When they married she asked him not to discipline the kids, but to leave it up to her since the step-parent/child relationship is difficult enough as it is. So for the last 15 years he has been a constant presence, at their performances, taking them to the doctor, and just been a huge support (I would describe him more as a supportive loving presence than a father to them). He's always been there, been kind to them, but they don't call him dad, and their mom does all the discipline and rule setting and enforcing. There has been very little conflict between him and my cousins. When I found this out I thought it was weird and not a united team, but my aunt just thought it would be less complicated this way and it has worked very well for them. He also has children from a previous marriage that came every other weekend. My aunt always accommodated their mother even when she was being irrational and just tried to be supportive of the kids. They like her, and the kids call my cousins brother and sister and it really is a pretty happy mixed family. Obviously, the situation you're dealing with isn't ideal and all you can do is try to make the best of it, and by best I mean what is best for the children. I personally would feel it's messed up to be expected to not parent a child that I'm raising, but it's a sensitive situation that you'll have to work through. Listen to your head and your heart, and try not to let your personal feelings of injustice get in the way. What is better for this child? And maybe you enforcing rules is best since no one else is around to do it. You and your husband need to figure it out together, maybe with the help of a counselor or parent coach -- I recommend Love and Logic if a facilitator is near you. Love and Logic has a book about about raising teens: http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-145-parenting-teens-wi... And I'm sure you can find books specifically about step-parenting that will help you figure out your role. Good luck!
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This situtation sucks. I see your point completely, but I'll just share some anecdotal experience. My aunt remarried when my cousins were 4 and 6 years old to a wonderful man. When they married she asked him not to discipline the kids, but to leave it up to her since the step-parent/child relationship is difficult enough as it is. So for the last 15 years he has been a constant presence, at their performances, taking them to the doctor, and just been a huge support (I would describe him more as a supportive loving presence than a father to them). He's always been there, been kind to them, but they don't call him dad, and their mom does all the discipline and rule setting and enforcing. There has been very little conflict between him and my cousins. When I found this out I thought it was weird and not a united team, but my aunt just thought it would be less complicated this way and it has worked very well for them. He also has children from a previous marriage that came every other weekend. My aunt always accommodated their mother even when she was being irrational and just tried to be supportive of the kids. They like her, and the kids call my cousins brother and sister and it really is a pretty happy mixed family. Obviously, the situation you're dealing with isn't ideal and all you can do is try to make the best of it, and by best I mean what is best for the children. I personally would feel it's messed up to be expected to not parent a child that I'm raising, but it's a sensitive situation that you'll have to work through. Listen to your head and your heart, and try not to let your personal feelings of injustice get in the way. What is better for this child? And maybe you enforcing rules is best since no one else is around to do it. You and your husband need to figure it out together, maybe with the help of a counselor or parent coach -- I recommend Love and Logic if a facilitator is near you. Love and Logic has a book about about raising teens: http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-145-parenting-teens-wi... And I'm sure you can find books specifically about step-parenting that will help you figure out your role. Good luck!
All teenagers push boundaries and test limits, to some degree. As a stepchild she has that "other mom" to use as an excuse/buffer which just makes things worse.
I would start by picking my battles. Back off re the clothes and makeup. I guarantee you whatever you are not allowing she is simply wearing at school and then taking off before she comes home. It's not worth it. Put your foot down over important things like chores, homework and curfew. If she doesn't follow THOSE rules and expectations then she should lose her phone and internet, that's the quickest way to get through to a teenage girl!
When does school start up again? If it's at least a few weeks away it might be a good idea to send her to her mom's for a while. I'm sure she will be miserable and want to come back to a stable home where she knows someone cares enough to want to keep her out of trouble.
Good luck, just remember, you are parenting an almost young woman, not a child, she needs to be treated as such. It's SO hard!
I think it's time for you to tell hubby that it's time for daughter to go live with her mom. Don't expect your step-dau to show you any gratitude. She's playing two sides against the middle and you are the middle. My ex and his now ex-wife have had our daughter for the past four years. Her stepmom got tired of my daughter's attitude, and divorced my ex two years ago. If you let this continue, you too could end up divorced. Cut the drama and let this girl go to her mama:) You'll have peace and your step-dau will see that the grass is not always greener on the other side.
I would stand your ground and have your husband take care of his daughter since he will not allow you to be the parent anymore. Why does he think discipline should be different for his child versus the rest of the family's children? That will just sow resentment and dissent with his other children.
I'd absolutely allow him and your SD to fend for themselves at this point.
It's time for hubby to get his head out of his a-- and deal with his daughter. She is setting a bad example for her half siblings by acting like this.
She is 15 and rebellious but she still needs a firm hand in parenting matters. Counseling is necessary for all and the sooner the better so that she does have a real life and happy future. Teens like to flex muscles and try to separate to fly away but some come crashing back to earth and she maybe one that does this testing the waters thing.
Counseling for the two of you is also in order so that you will be able to deal with your marriage and your own children. Maybe he can explain why he doesn't want her to live with mom. There is a huge communication gap between you guys.
However, if someone called me out on a false charge it would be a long, cold day before I let them back into my inner circle. I would do for them what was needed and no more. If she wants to go to her activities she will have to find a new way to do so. If she has a cell phone she would lose it and any other privileges. So could see what it would be like to live with no door on the room as well. Yes a lot of tough love. No one has a right to treat someone wrong.
The best to you in your situation. I trust that you will find the answer needed and work out things for your two kids.
The other S.
PS I know that when you marry a man/woman with child that that child usually comes first but it is time that this one became a member of the family unit. She could be doing this because she is jealous of the relationship you have with your younger two.
