When to Let Them Know - Austism Spectrum

my daughter J. finished 1st and J. knew they had an aide. whenver she mention these friends she never mentioned the aide, i didnt know they were autistic until they were there at pick up one day...and these kids were more severe then you mention. She eventually knew from J. observing they were diferent although she prefers to play with the kids with autism most times. the kids at this age notice the diference but dont care

I think it's important that your child know, because it's important for him (and you) to recognize the areas in which he'll need to develop coping mechanisms, or understand that he thinks differently than NT folks.

However, I don't think that it's necessary for you to tell others so that they may make allowances. You need to work with your son to integrate himself into a NT world...to be able to navigate successfully, to use his differently thinking brain as an asset instead of a hinderance. You should NEVER expect others to make allowances for him, nor should you teach him to expect other to do so. Life is hard on the spectrum, and he's going to have to learn to work harder and never give up.

I was diagnosed with severe ADHD at the age of 8. This was at a time when the medical community WASN'T giving out ADHD diagnoses like candy, and they sucked at knowing how to treat it. School was hard, and social situations were even harder. But I learned how to cope. And today I am a very successful and happy adult.

Both of my boys have ADHD. They know they have it, take their meds, and work hard in everything they do. I don't give them an inch, or try to blame their difficulties in focus or social situations on their ADHD. I use Love and Logic. Real life is the best teacher. I think BETTER than most because I have ADHD, and they do too. They just don't think like NT kids do.

Kids with ADHD or high functioning autism...they aren't going to be successful by expecting others to make allowances or concessions for them. Quite the opposite. They will be successful because they know that they can do things differently and still win, not despite their diagnosis, but BECAUSE of it.

Our son has ADHD, which is a close relative to autism. We told him when he was five. At that point, he had a best friend with the condition and that opened the door to discussion.

We just told him that his brain works a little differently than other kids. He's just like other kids, but he has more energy, which makes it harder for him to sit still, focus and do other things. We then talked about his medication and what a difference it makes for him (and he agreed). In your son's situation, you might point out situations that are difficult for him and explain that autism is the reason why, but that it doesn't have to hold him back.

I also told our son that so many others have conditions, too. Some may need to take insulin to treat their diabetes, some kids wear glasses to help them see, some need wheelchairs, etc.

I was so glad we told him. Once we did, it really opened up a dialogue with him about the condition. It's been nothing but positive keeping him informed.

ETA: Also look online for books that explain autism to young kids. We found a book written for kids explaining ADHD in a very kid-friendly way. It was all about a boy who was "super charged."

What an awesome question!

In my opinion i would start some conversations with your son now during the summer,
perhaps, "i need to set up a check up appointment for you to go see Dr. Doctorpants. I really like him don't you, he helps kids that have a harder time understanding what other people are feeling ( insert what ever might be better ). Remember when he helped us get meds for you or helped us to tell your school what you needed, ( again insert whatever here)

or at the park " hmmmm that little boy seems to be having a hard time understanding why those other boys are going over by him, I think they want to play, he might not know that they want to play, Some kids have trouble with that, I wonder if he might have Autism, like you, sometimes you have trouble figuring out what other kids want.

Maybe those aren't the best examples but just something casual a few times. You know him best, would he pick up on those comments or do you think he needs a more Direct Pointed conversation?

how ever you do it i would start this summer,

THen before schools starts go in and meet the teacher face to face and talk with her about what your sons like and dislikes and needs are, and mention that you would like to be open with his classmates about his condidion.

I would suggest that even though the teacher knows that you wait 1 month before you introduce the concept of autism to the other kids. This window lets the teacher get established with just the basic structure of the class, it gives the kids a chance to get to know your son but not long enough of a chance to write him off as weird ( was that your term?, lol).

then see if the teacher is more comfortable reading a book to introduce the concept.

or perhaps doing a lessons on facial expressions and directly letting the other kids know that your kiddo needs them to use words along with their smiles or frowns so that your son has an extra clue to understand them.

or if she does a STAR of the week sort of show and tell / all about me thing, you could help your son bring in objects or pictures or things about all the Cool things He can do and is good at and then also maybe include the autism. like if you do an autism awareness walk, let him bring in the tshirt or a photo of you doing it, and he can share that he wants people all over the world to know more about this because it's what he has and so he has to work hard at certain things.

I think education and being open about things especially at the elementary level helps teach tolerance. the only wildcard? caaviot?? thing to consider??? would be the teachers personality and if they would inadvertanly encourage "coddling" or would be very cold and Not willing to teach the other kids. that's something you would have to play by ear, but in an ideal world, I think you are giving your son, his classmates, and other kids in the world with autism a HUGE gift by being open and honest and clear with them about what autsim means for you kid and others.

I haven't dealt with it, but IMHO it's a great idea to let his classmates in on what's up with him. That gives them the tools and information they need to empathize with your son and to make an effort to overlook some of his differences. Take the mystery out of the equation and I bet your son will THRIVE! Good idea mama, but not sure how you would go about it. I would contact his teacher for next year ASAP and try to figure out the best way to go about it.

Okay: at my kids' school, public school, there are several Autistic kids, from Kindergarten to 5th grade. Of all degrees.
These kids, through the school, have an IEP and have an Aide with them, in school and in class, all day.
The other "neuro-typical" kids at the school and in these classrooms, DO NOT... at all, treat these kid any differently. In fact, they are very empathetic to their Autistic classmate(s). And so in class, these kids are mainstreamed in regular classrooms with neuro-typical kids, and they also go to and have SPED related classes. And it is fine.
So therefore, ALL THE KIDS and the teachers, fully know... that these kids are, Autistic. There is no problem with it. These kids have their Aide with them, in class and they are always accompanied and are worked with. Per their I.E.P. And they have Skills Trainers.

Now, all the neuro-typical kids, KNOW that their Autistic classmate(s) are, different. No biggie. They are, classmates. Who happen to have an Aide. No biggie. There is, no problem with it. At least at my kids' school.
Both my son and daughter, had and have, a classmate that is Autistic. Even in from Kindergarten. And it was FINE. My son and daughter, know what Autism is. And they have always adjusted fine to their Autistic classmate and the others too. And the Autistic classmate is fine too, because their Aide is there with them in class. So in each classroom, there is the regular Teacher and an Aide in class with that particular Autistic student. Keep in mind, that a regular Teacher, does NOT have... the certifications or education/schooling background for "SPED" students. Therefore, each SPED child who has an IEP, does have an Special Education Aide in class with them. They are specialists. Who know how to work with the Autistic child.
And it is fine.

Is your child, in private or public school?
Per private schools in my State, they do not have to, have a SPED department or Aides. Therefore, many of the kids who are on the spectrum, have gone from private school TO public schools. Because, the public schools DO have, per the Dept. of Education requirements and IDEA laws and 504 laws, a SPED department and SPED Teachers and Aides. For these students. And then also, these Autistic or SPED students, also have a Therapist they see. Regularly. So the parent is not left to their own devices, of "how" to help their child.

To me, since your child is Autistic, that any school he goes to... you DO need to tell the school.
And whatever school your son attends... YOU as the Mom, need to see and make sure, that the school has a SPED department and Aides at the school. So that, your son can be.... worked with daily. With a SPED specific, professional.
And the school/Teacher, school system... can or cannot make allowances, for him/his condition. Because as I said, that in my State, private schools do not have IEP's or a SPED department. But public schools do. And they are under different laws per accommodations of SPED students.
So you do need to tell the school, whichever school your son attends.
After all, you cannot expect a regular Teacher, to be an expert on how to facilitate an Autistic, student. They are not SPED trained nor schooled.

And yes, the Autistic classmates that my kids' have, do know that they are Autistic. They are fine. The neuro-typical classmates, as you call it, are FINE with them. The Aide for the Autistic student, works with them. One to one. Because, the student has an IEP, through the school. And the Aide also informs the parent about anything, daily, that occurs with their Autistic child.

*ETA: okay, when my kids were in Kindergarten.... they both had an Autistic classmate. The classmates, KNEW the child was Autistic. They know, what Autism is. The teacher educates the students about that in a very caring way. It is all very caring. Per my kids' school, even the high functioning "quirky" Autistic students, have an IEP and an Aide in class with them. Daily. It doesn't matter if it is "obvious" or not to the other kids, per the child's degree of Autism. And sure, not all Autistic kids need the summer time help. My friend's son, does not. But during the regular school year, he does have his Aide and his IEP. He is a very high functioning "quirky" Autistic kid. And the kids know and it is no big deal. And even, MANY of the kids... are very caring to him. Even if he is "weird" and quirky but yet high functioning but yet Autistic. The kids, are very nice to him. At my kids' school, is it NOT "wrong" to be Autistic. And this is public school. All the kids, know. And the Autistic child knows, too.

My kids really actually loved their Autistic classmates. They even befriended them. Within reason and per the Aide's expertise.
There is nothing wrong.... with it being "obvious" or not to the others. It is, what it is. Its okay.

Hey -
My son had sensory integration disorder and so I know a little bit of what you are going through. Honestly, I was stressed out about telling the school he was "different", but then, after I did, I realized the doors that it opened (and I am talking about when he was 2 and in pre-school). Fortunately for me, his 2 year old teacher had a child with disabilities, so she readily understood that my son was slightly different and needed different approaches/interventions.

When my son moved up to the 2/3 year old class, he had a new teacher - again, someone VERY nice. I actually don't remember if I had a conversation about him having the sensory issues with her, but I do remember when he moved up to the 3/4 class, she remained his teacher. The major change between the 2/3 year old class and the 3/4 year old class is that the kids went on a new/bigger playground. Apparently, my son FREAKED out about that. He just walked around and cried on the playground. His teacher finally told me what he was doing on the third day of the new class. So, on the fourth day, I went to the school quite early and he and I went out to the playground and we went on every piece of equipment by ourselves. I showed him how each piece of equipment worked and what he could do on each one. They told me later that day that it made a huge difference in how he interacted with the kids and the playground and he quit crying and started playing. IF it had not made a difference that quickly, then I would have gone up there and gone over the equipment with him every day until he was comfortable with it.

So, my point in telling you that story is twofold: 1) your relationship with the teacher and your communications with the teacher will be an asset in managing your son's experience. 2) you need to work with your son on the skills that upset him and help him manage this process.

The main thing I learned, in dealing with my son's issues is - *I* am his number 1 advocate. *I* care the most. When this process started, I *thought* the doctors and teachers would care. And, I do think they care. But, they didn't know him like I did and could not see and do for him what I could. So, my best advice is - YOU are your son's best advocate and I think you need to go with your gut and do what you think is best. If you think telling his teacher is the best way to help him transition, then do it. And, if you can also tell the kids, in an easy manner, and as he grows up, then do it. At this age, you could easily do a story time that goes over Autism. I really think Lillym hits this nail on the head with her suggestions of ways to deal with it. But, I can tell you - even if you don't tell the kids your son has autism, they will figure out that he is different. Personally, I think it is easier if you mange the kids and how they learn and in the process, give them the skills to interact with your son.

I have been very blessed in this life because after years of therapy, my son finally mastered 99% of his sensory issues. I don't think anyone who interacts with him would ever guess that he had sensory problems. The only thing that he still really doesn't like is riding his bike - but, he does ride it. But, what that means is that we don't have to deal with his issues/challenges at school anymore. He's 10 now.

Oh and I just want to add that my son also is very bright and finishes his work early and likes to TALK alot. I know that this really frustrates the teachers. I knew it frustrated them, but I didn't understand how much until I had a sit down talk with one teacher and she said that he really detracts from the other kids abilities to learn. I know that my son's behavior frustrated my son's teacher. So, knowing your child has autism, I am making the assumption that the things he does will frustrate your son's teachers too. So, being up front with them will really help manage their expections. I know he has an IEP, but open dialog on ongoing issues REALLY helps in the classroom. I know that teacher really opened my eyes and so I have worked on talking with my son about how his interactions/activies affect other people.

Good luck with the future!
L.

Certainly kids can be mean, but for the most part, they are great! Last weekend we went to my daughter's great grandfather's funeral. She got to see her great grandmother in some serious stages of Alzheimer's. The night we got there, we accidently woke her [grandmother] up and she wanted to know who EVERYONE in the room was. My FIL had to introduce her daughter, granddaughter, great granddaughter, etc to her. The next morning when my daughter and I got to the house we went for a walk and she asked why she didn't know anyone and I explained to her that her grandmother gets confused because her mind doesn't function the same as it used to. She got it and she enjoyed the rest of the time with her even if she had to tell her who she was again.

As for my little one, she is a mirror reader/writer and she gets L/R confused. Recently, she almost didn't pass her figure skating test and her private coach was called out as the director wanted to know why her students weren't passing. I could see my daughter telling the director something in his ear and then finally, he signed her certificate and came and talked to us. She told him she was a mirror reader and writer and she gets L/R confused. He passed her because she can do very difficult things, but told us we had to do something to help her with the L/R because she needs it. She now has to wear a pink boot cover and a purple boot cover so she knows pink is left. She doesn't like the idea but I have seen a great improvement. She knows she is different and says that she doesn't like that, but it worked to her advantage, as well as her coach, for her to tell the director why she was struggling.

We certainly don't want to hang a sign that says, "This kid is different", but there are key people to share that with.