When the People You Care for Are Turning into People You Don't Want to Be Around

I have family like that (love them but hate to be around them) but different.

They don't work, some for legitimate health reasons and some because they like to work the system and/or are lazy, and always complain how bad they have it (no money, low on food, can't pay their bills, etc) but will then eat out EVERY DAY at least once but normally more (sometimes making special trips to do just that), run their vehicle to town every day rather than combining trips, and buy wasteful things. It's very irritating...I know times are tough and money is tight for me too (and yes, we spend more than we should but I work every day, pay my bills, and don't work the system).

I'm sorry, but as the wife of an internist, and someone who spends a lot of times with surgeons, and their wives, her elitist attitude is inexcusable. If you truly love your sister and want what is best for her, I'd bring it up to her, but in the spirit of love. Tell her that you feel that her lamentations about her unfortunate situation are relative to those who face true financial hardships. Express your concern about her increasing materialism, and about the snobbish comments you have heard.

The surgeons that we hang out with are VERY humble. One of them will be doing a pro bono mastectomy for my husband's aunt next week. Another one did my husband's colonoscopy and a sebaceous cyst removal, and when my husband canceled his appointment to get his sutures removed the surgeon drove over to my husband's clinic and took them out in the procedure room. They have nice things, but they don't flaunt their money.

I might also suggest that some medical wives use their husband's fortune as a Band-Aid for emotional pain caused by not having enough quality time together. I'm in a Facebook support group for wives of doctors, and I have heard a few say that when they are feeling neglected, they grab the credit card and go shopping because, "What good is all this money if I can't cheer myself up with it?" Yep, not my cup of tea, but it is what it is for some.

ETA: My sister and I have always held each other accountable for how we present ourselves to the world, and what kind of people we are turning out to be. If you are close enough with your sister you should be able to have this type of conversation without her feeling attacked.

Sadly, one day your sister will wake up and realize that she's pushed away some pretty incredible people and family with such snobbish talk. It sounds like you are close, so I would take Queen's advice and say your piece. BTW, this doesn't sound like jealously on your part. You are worried that you are starting to not *like* your sister and that is completely understandable. Good luck.

Some people allow money to change them, it sounds like maybe your sister is one of them. I have never understood woman who use their husbands success as their identity (as in the woman who answered what she does with what her husband does) you also see that a lot in the military community, spouses claiming the rank of their SO, and it is sad. I am my own person, not just a small part of my husbands world. There may be nothing you can do, these new peers have your sisters attention right now and all you can do is hope that one day she can see just how she acting. Until then just love her the best you can, even if that means seeing her less often. In a perfect world those who have would realize how good they have it and would not let the money change them and would still be respectful to those who don't have, but we all know this is far from a perfect world.

and as a side note, lots of people with money are Democrats.

Added after reading some other responses: I don't think you sound jealous at all, I think you sound concerned for the fact that your sister is changing into someone that is hard to like.

Just because one has money doesn't mean one has class:)

Yes, I do have a similar situation. They way I feel about materialistic things and how to raise children is very much different from my SIL. But, I do my best to love her for the parts that I like and not judge her for what I secretly disapprove of. It is NOT that easy! But really. If we judge them then we are no better than they are judging our lifestyle.

Protect yourself. Limit the occasions you spend with your sister with her snobby friends (oops.... did I judge them?) When you are with them just accept this is how they are and you cannot change them. Try not to be overly sensitive with your sisters remarks. Don't get all sensitive and confront her, but.....sure, you can complain to your husband that night as to how your lil sis has turned into an elitist... but try not to hold it against her.

:)

Blecccccchhhh!
I have O. FB friend that's like this.
Practically posts pix of her little princesses doody because everything the get/have/do is SO special.
I kind of look at it like this: she's where she is right now. She may actually be on the phase where she thinks money=success and no problems.
She'll get her world rocked soon enough due to O. of a long list if possibilities. But it will happen.
Until then, be you, be her sister/friend. And don't get sucked in to the madness! (It is, after all, self manufactured madness.)

Is she nice to you otherwise? We (several of my friends and I) had a good friend like this who was really nice to us otherwise so we just embraced it with humor. We joked about her annual "surprise" birthday parties, asked if the Easter bunny brought her any jewelry in her Easter basket, etc. She loved the jokes and joked right along with us, and the humor helped us to shake our heads, laugh, and say "there she goes being Suzy again."

Note I am NOT saying to encourage her to be this way. She has already chosen this lifestyle, and you have already to told her you don't approve. (By the way, I do not approve either.)

I realize it's a little harder because she's your sister and it's hard for you to see your sister changing like this, but since there's not much you can do to change her back, maybe this is a way to help you live with it.

Yes, she is your sister but limit your time with her...that's the only way you're going to deal being around her even just a little. It's highly unlikely unless something happens to change her that she will stop behaving in this manor. She lives in a totally different world than you. Her problems are big to her but unfathomable to you. Its just the way it is. In the meantime find some friends that you have similar interests and lifestyles with. Just because someone is family does not mean you have to force a close relationship. Sometimes life just does not work out that way. Good luck!

My younger brother.He thinks he is so cool because he has twins and more kids then me.I have 4,he has 6.He likes to brag a lot about them.We hardly visit or have him over.I love him so much.
I try to call him.We did set up for him to visit July 1st.Were getting closer now that we talk more.I told him his flaws and he accepted it.Hes only 1 yr younger.
I am the oldest of 7.I put up with a lot of little kids.lol

Sounds like you're jealous.

My sister and her hubby also do very well. The house they bought five years ago is paid off. They are both retired (she's only 55 and has been "retired" for five years!) They have housekeepers; a huge RV; many ATV's and similar fun toys; take lots of trips, etc.

Sometimes I find myself also being a little jealous, but I try really hard to keep it in check. You just have to let those comments roll off your back. It doesn't really sound like your sis is bragging. She complained about being hit in the recession (like everyone else); she commented that surgeons would not get certain expenses paid for or reimbursed. I don't see any bragging in this. It's the unspoken that's going through your head and you are attributing that to your sister.

I think you just need to come to terms with the fact that your baby sister is well off and she has different "luxury" problems that you don't have. But they ARE still problems for her.

This is a situation whereby in your sister's mind, she may truly feel like she doesn't have it that good... You know that saying, our minds can make a heaven of a hell and a hell of a heaven.. It's so true.. In her mind, the recession has hit it hard (Even if for many people, on the outside, your sister seems well off)
Goes to show.... no matter how much money, material goods and other external things a person acquires, if the individual isn't happy on the inside... those external items only bring temporary happiness..

Since you can't change her.. I would begin to detach without judgement.. Think about why her attitude even bugs you... Once you can get to the bottom of your own feelings and work on resolving them... then your sister's attitude may not bother you so much.. In fact, you may not have time to even entertain her way of thinking...

I've had similar experiences of hanging out with people whose views and attitudes I didn't agree with. However, for years, I hung in there and thought that one day, the people would change.. Turns out, I was the one who changed.. Now, although I wish those people well, I just no longer hang out with them.. I let go of the notion that they were the ones who needed to change and instead, went about changing who I was... I feel much happier for it... Work on you and the rest will fall into place..

I wish you all the best

I remind myself that each of us is plagued with problems which seem difficult to overcome from where we stand. Sounds like she is having to tighten her belt (even if its a high end belt), and she's struggling and being mouthy about it.

Give her love, and tell her, without a hint of sarcasm, that you are sure that she will work out how to manage her budget, and be there the way she wants to be for her family through these tough times.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.