When My Kids Grow Up....

College is a must, if it was far they would live there if it was close they could live here.....if they choose not to go to school then they have one year to work & save money so they can start their life in their own place

My parents' rule was basically that they would support us as long as we were full-time in college. After graduation (me) or if one of us took a year or more off (my brother), then finances (and housing, etc.) were our concern. Not that they wouldn't help us - and did - but it wasn't a free ride. I think this worked very well, as neither my brother nor I lived at home past age 20 for any extent of time, and are both fully self-sufficient. My parents have been extremely generous over the years, helping us with important events, cars, homes, etc., but everything they chose to give us was a gift and not expected, was generosity on their part and not necessited on ours. I will hopefully do the same with my kids.

My oldest son leaves for school in two weeks, I fully expect the two younger to do the same...I do not really consider them adults until they are done with at least four years of college...their job until then is to stay focused, work hard at school, maybe have a part-time job for spending money, they are ALWAYS welcome at home!

I would say a kid isn't going to start earning and picking up after himself if he's never had to do it before in his life. Raise your kids to earn, clean and eventually be self supporting. We give them roots and then we give the wings.
I understand why you would feel your hubby's attitude is harsh...but maybe he's laying the groundwork for them to seek independence? I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I would hope my son will complete college and find a good job so that he can support himself, but there are times when kids may need to return to the nest.

Is this the way your husbands parents treated him and his siblings?

Our daughter has always known she wanted to go to college "where it snows".
We told her we would love that but we did not have the money to go that far away, so she was going to need to make good grades to get scholarships.. She did it.

Of course there is still money needed for her to attend because of travel and expenses and we do pay that, she could never have full part time job, because she took full hours of honors classes and in the summer volunteered 100's of hours. She is very practical and did make and save as much money as possible each summer, so that also helps.

She is trying to decide about what she will do once she graduates from college. Will she work towards her Masters, or will she look for a full time job. We told her she is welcome to come home and work, and we will discuss how to make a fair budget for her to live here. She is horrified (hee, hee) not about having to pay, but having to come back and live with us full time! She said she is going to try to do better than having to live with us! (Stinker)

Anyway, to be realistic, I think your husband would have to understand, $1000. seems like a lot, but for a place to live, monthly, basic bills, health insurance, transportation and what your son could earn it is not realistic.

Maybe you will need to brainstorm some options. How much have you all saved for college? What does your son want to do when he graduates? What type of support could you all really offer? Could he find a job and save enough by living with you all for a year after graduation? Maybe he could pay you his portion, for rent, bills, food, etc. but you could actually place it in savings and give it all back to him at the end of the year. (do not tell the other kids, so they will all think they too would be paying towards the household?)

18 is not a magic number. Maturity is the correct time. It is our job to help our children be mature. It is like how all children walk at different times, talk,
potty train.. It may take some kids just a little bit longer, but we can help them find that maturity, with our expectations and guidance.

You teach them young to value hard work and make goals, and to budget and be wise financially, so when they are 18, they will want to leave the house to pursue an education or a career. If they are in college and working or interning, then I would let my 18 year old stay for a while, so long as they were being responsible. If you don't confront those issues early on in life... as in, now... but wait for that crossroads when they are in high school, or after they graduate high school, then you've waited too long.

So, I agree with a lot of things said here. Having JUST gone through this--I can tell you I was the one giving him the boot--and my husband didn't want to. I can tell you my husband and I said from day one--our kids need to go to college after high school or have a very good job where they can support themselves. We will do all that we can (had a couple nest eggs til the markets crashed several times). But our oldest had amazing opportunities--and blew them all because of a girlfriend. Going to local community college--but we made him get an apartment. He was angry at first--felt like we didn't want him here. He was like the kid in the apt. below you--getting lazy, picking fights with his siblings etc. Now that he's been out about 6 weeks--he's a new kid--and it is peaceful at home. I'm glad we did it. Every kid is different. I don't think there is a one size fits all "plan". Don't worry about what will happen in 11 years. Enjoy the now--and you will know what to do when the time gets here.
K.

Hopefully, I will have a good nest egg for each of them. i will encourage to choose best college for themselves.
if college is out of question (in their mind), i will ask them to get a job, and start paying me rent OR got to college, get a part time job to cover their spending money while tuition and room are covered by me.
i will NOT pay for weddings, honeymoons, top of line cars, pricey clothes etc. they will have to make do, or get a job.
now, what will i do when my kids grow up?
i think i will die of a broken heart.
i, literary, gave up everything (career, life, passion, hobbies, family etc) and concentrated while giving my all to them. and i love every minute of it knowing how much they need me. but when they're gone, off to college, i think i will realize i have nothing else left.
and i need to rectify that soon, come up with a plan for me so that i don't feel as lost as i think i will.

Denise is right, a kid doesn't just 'know' what to do at 18 as long as he or she has never been shown or expected to do certain things.

Our son will be 20 in less than a week. He did go to college at 18 and had WAY too much fun so he then came back home and went to the local community college. Again with less than optimal results. We talked to him and explained that if he is going to college just to make us or his grandparents happy, that is the wrong reason. He needs to figure out what his passion is! He just moved out on his own, by his choice, a couple of weeks ago.
We told him we would NOT make his rent or his utilities but would do what we could to ensure he at least got a good start. Meaning, I will not buy him "new" things but most of my pots/pans and some towels were wedding gifts. I will give him what he needs to furnish his apartment from my old stuff and I will replace! I also did a huge Costco run for things like peanut butter and jelly!
But bottom line he is a good kid. Honest, kind, sensitive just searching. *He's had my credit card for a week and DID NOT charge anything he wasn't authorized to. If this 19 year old is a slacker, it may be because he was not shown or expected how to be responsible.

Oh and my DH was raised in a matter that was more hard nosed, the "give them a grand and send them on their way." On one hand I kind of agree, but it is a different world right now.

I guess you will know your kids when they are ready to leave. There will be those kids that you will send them out with good wishes and those who you know will find their way with a little help. The key is, in my opinion, that they know they are loved and you and dad will be there if they fall. Within reason of course.

Good Luck,

My children are teens. I have a senior in high school who has been told his whole life that he WILL go to college after high school. He WILL get a job after college. He has decided to go to a military college and do ROTC. This ensures a job after college - albeit a military one. In our world, it's an income - a stable income.
Ditto for my sophomore daughter. She will follow in her brother's footsteps - she WILL go to college. She will most likely do ROTC as well.
I keep my kids busy with band and after school activities. They drive themselves now, and choose their activities, but... they are good kids who have learned to make good decisions.
YMMV
LBC

Our one and only 15 yr old daughter soon to be 10th grader has looked forward to college all her life. It is all she knows because she knows we as parents value college education, post college education, planning financially and personally.

We have no issue whatsoever if she ends up living at home for a while. She knows we have her back no matter what. She is fully funded for her college and YES, she does work with our family business. She is learning the fundamentals of our business, importance of networking, and financial aspects.

I know right now she can't wait to be independent because that is what we have been teaching her for years but at the same time, she is loved unconditionally here and will be welcome at anytime. She has blossomed into a wonderful young woman.

COMMUNICATION is key and we have a lot of it around here.

My son is 7 and he already knows that when he is a teen he'll work an after school job and he is going to college. If it's in NYC he'll have a choice to live home. If he goes away then boards. We set up a college fund from day one and he has his own bank account for b-day money and other events. Sounds to me that's what happened to your hubs, here's your money now get out. Or maybe he is being glib? Or just responding this way cause money may be tight and the recession? I say don't dwell on this now as your kids are young see where you are when they reach 17.