When Is a Child Considered "Grown"

I don't actually understand why you are not considering her decision an adult decision. My daughter came home early for Thanksgiving twice in the three past years, for all I know she could this year as well. Her GPA never suffered for it so I consider it a responsible decision.

I think you need to accept that just because a decision is not what you would make that doesn't by proxy make it a bad decision.

Time to cut the cord a bit more, mama! When I was a freshman in college my parents had no idea what classes I took or what my schedule was. On the flip side, other than tuition payments, they didn't give me money nor did I expect them to. I had a job, like I had always had since I was old enough to get a work permit at age 14. She needs to take more responsibility for herself in all areas, from finances to academics.

I tutor kids in SAT prep and help families with college applications. It's kind of alarming how many of us parents are still spoon feeding these teenagers/young adults even as they head off to college.

Let her make her own decisions and deal with the consequences.

.

as a current college student, with an 18 year old son college student also, let me tell you this.

Missing a few classes is no big deal 99.99999% of the time. College students are given a syllabus at the begging of the class, it lists EVERYTHING they are going to be doing in each scheduled class. It also has when assignments are due, when tests are being taken and so forth. Students are expected to be responsible enough to get things done and handed in on time. In other words college students are expected to be responsible adults.

If there are no papers or projects due those days ... no biggie ... keep up on the reading. If there is a paper or project due ... it's the student's responsibility to make arrangements with the teacher to either turn it in early or turn it in late. It'll depend on the professor if they'll do either.

So now that you have THAT information. Mama ... it's time to start loosening the apron strings. When it comes to classes, let her make the decision. If she fails you always have the option of saying "I'm not paying for this anymore if you're going to waste my money". If her grades are fine ... then don't sweat it mama. And you can still provide what most of us consider essentials if you like, but I'd have her on a very strict budget and anything else she wants she can get a job to pay for.

At 18. I think if you are paying for her education then you should have a say about her leaving classes early. However, if she is getting good grades and not slacking off then it shouldn’t be a big deal. I would ask her if she got any assignments beforehand.
She is a legal adult and should be making her own decisions no matter if they are right or wrong. This is how we learn to be responsible. I understand you not wanting her to make wrong or bad decisions, but sometimes we as parents need to step back and let our kids do things on their own.

Oh I was there with "the girl". She made some decisions that I was like "WTH"! It was hard, but hubby and I just sat back and watched. She is now 23 and has matured hugely and will graduate from university in May!!!

Let her make her decisions. For example, why did she decide to leave early for the Thanksgiving holiday? Was it because she was homesick? Or is it because her friends will be home so she wants to spend more time with them? She makes the decisions she lives with the consequences. If she leaves early and doesn't get work turned in she gets a bad grade. She is a freshman and they go crazy the first year. They will make crappy decisions and then are shocked when they have consequences! Its part of the learning process. I promise she will grow up!!!

Are you asking when she should be able to make her own decisions or when she will make "good" decisions?
In my opinion the former is now. If you are paying for school then a word of advice is appropriate regarding school decisions. But it is time to let her live and learn so that she can grow into that adult you want her to be. (Maybe she already planned to discuss her absence with her instructors ahead of time.)
As for the latter -- hopefully soon, but maybe never. I know plenty of "grown" adults with jobs and families that continually make bad decisions. You have raised her, and hopefully been able to teach her about decision making, weighing pros and cons, dealing with consequences, etc. You will hopefully make yourself available to her for advice and support, but she won't come to you with big decisions (or any decisions) if she feels you will just criticize and condemn her choices.

Some people never reach maturity or make reasonable or responsible decisions. The law says a person is an adult at 18, but even this doesn't always hold true since a parent can be held responsible for their child in certain situations until they're 21. And the only reason the age of majority was changed from 21 to 18 was because of the Viet Nam War, so many complained about not being able to vote at 18 but could be drafted for war, so the law was changed and that set presendence for everything else that we are still dealing with now. It's pretty riduculous. A person is going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them all their life. No one is excempt from making mistakes no matter what age. An 18 year old is still a child, an adolesent, not a young adult and we can only expect so much. At this age they're still not even fully aware of time in the way an older person is and that the decisions they make today will come with a cost or "reward' tommorrow. It seems like they would know but they really don't for the most part. They're still learning this. Most 18 year olds are not ready for college, because our society has given them false idols and superficial aims, just to name a tiny part of it. Most universities lose 80% of their freshmen class because they are not ready yet. I know this because my son is a professor at a university and he is often just beside himself with the stupidity and superficiality of the students and so he brings them back to the beginning of a subject that they "should" be far more familiar with and re-teaches them. It is a known fact that the teens brain and even a 21 to 28 year old's brain is not mature yet. I wish this fact was better known and used wisely. We cannot expect something from nothing, we cannot expect a tulip from a acorn. So go with it the best you can. Maybe, just maybe if she's so willing to let classes go so readily she needs to quit and start again when she's more ready and willing. If it were my child, I'd ask something like this just to see what she says, if for no other reason, it'd give me an idea of where she's at. But forget the idea that an 18 year old is a grown up, they are Not. They'd like to believe they are and the world has told them they are and they believe it until they want something from ya. When one of my daughters turned 18 she took off across country for Yosemite to live for two years, teaching horse back riding and hiking the mountains, that was a tester, let me tell ya. But all turned out fine.

Depends on the kid when their maturity kicks in. It may also be that she has friends whose parents were MORE permissive so she doesn't see her choices in the same old light.

While I told my mom when I was 19 that my friends and I were going to Canada for a vacation, it was my money, not hers. If your daughter is "grown" enough to skip class, then she's also grown enough to buy her own pizza and to pay for her classes. She's not 15.

My SS got a scholarship, so DH feeds money to a joint account to cover what the scholarship does not. His freshman year we had to talk to him about how that money was also to buy his soap, shampoo, vitamins, etc. He was not to come home on breaks and put his toiletries on the grocery list and expect us to pony up. Sometimes we did (like the start of the year) but most of the time he was on his own and if he had to use a brand he didn't like, that was his budget.

Anyway, I think it's not cut and dry, but I do think that if she insists on making decisions, remind her to make informed and adult decisions and not just go forth willy nilly because things like skipping class have consequences (for example, profs who only allow 3 absences unless you're dead who will FAIL you for your attendance, or not being able to miss class when you have the plague because you skipped out early one break). Don't lecture, but let her know that the results are hers to live with. If she makes poor choices, you are not bailing her out. If she fails, she pays to take it again. Her OWN pocket. I had a roommate who failed a basic music course something like 4 times for lack of attendance and homework. I was stunned that her parents continued to pay for it.

I don't really know more about SS's schedule other than he has 2 late nights and 2 early ones and one semester he went to Europe, but DH does ask about his grades and SS knows we do NOT pay for Fs.

There's also a fine line when they are home. SS has to remember he's not in a dorm. It is polite to call and say, "I will/won't be home for dinner" and not first say "What's for dinner?" like the food offered at home will depend on whether or not he graces us with his presence. If he's gone to friends' houses, or to campus, that's fine, but give us a head's up if he's expected to be living here. Last summer he had a portion of the break where he reverted to being 16 and I about set him out for wolves. I don't care if he's out all night, but make a plan and convey that plan and stick to that plan. My mom's rule was if I was out all night, I had to tell her by 10PM and she'd put the chain on the door and go to bed.

More recently he came home and asked me to make sure the washer/dryer were free. Um, no, YOU do that. This household still runs when you are not here and I won't let your sister wear dirty clothes because you want to save a few quarters. If you want to also run laundry, you allot yourself more time instead of making it an emergency for us.

It's a tough transition time, but it doesn't have to be a battle.

Well, I was living on my own at 18 and paying my bills and had health insurance and the whole nine yards. I was "grown". NEVER asked my parents for any money.
Your daughter wants to be grown and making her own decisions that STOP giving her money. She can go to school and get a part time job. LOTS of students do that. Then she can be in charge of her own life and not have handouts from her mother.
L.

Yeesh. By those standards NO ONE in my family is grown until their parents are dead, and then... with inheritance...

Money flows in my family. What's nice, is that it's a downhill thing (in my husband's family, it's uphill). We do a lot of 'pay it forward' stuff in my family. Parents give money to their kids. And we're not talking small amounts... we're talking downpayments on houses. New furniture for first apartments. Plane tickets home from college. Grandparents give money to new parents as do their own parents. EVERYONE chips in for business ventures, new babies, new houses, xmas. Money just FLOWS .

Now... most of us move out fairly young (college or military, as an example I left for bootcamp when I was 17)... but the money never stops. Many of us do "cut our parents off" for certain periods of our lives (I wanna do it myself! isn't something only toddlers do)... but the safety net is there if we want it. And most of us grow up a bit and DO take the help. And it's understood... we help in kind. But almost always downhill. Our parents and grandparents help us... we help our kids and grand kids.

I don't have a "trust fund" family (although I could). Instead; everyone starts out broke and works their way up BUT the family is always there to help out. It's not OUR money to spend as we wish, but gifted or loaned out on a needed basis.

I have a VERY successful, VERY tight knit family.

But if total financial independence is your definition of grown, then at 32 I'm not, and at 60's & 70's none of my parents/aunts/uncles are grown, either (even though they all hold masters and doctorates and make good money -enough to help my cousins- who, in their 20's, 30's, 40's (with BA's, MA's, Doctorates, some with great jobs, some just starting out... some single, married, new families, kids of their own just hitting college)... wouldn't count as grown, either. Nor their kids.

Now... the Jewish branch of my family... kids are 'grown' (decision making wise) at their bar/bat mitvahs. The rest of my family, one only gets to make their own decisions when they move out (you may have noticed, a lot of us move out young)... but we make our own decisions the moment we walk out those doors. Yes. A LOT of them are bad decisions. That's how one learns to make good ones. Trial and error. ((I'm personally borrowing from the Jewish branch, and my son 'gets' to make his own decisions at 14. I'd far rather he screwed up in highschool when decisions don't matter as much as they do 4 years later.))

She is a fledgling adult in college. This is her first step into adulthood and she is trying to do it all. There will be consequences to her taking off early and missing the classes but that is on her and part of growing up.

Kids have to cut the cord sometime and so do parents. She is trying to become independent of you and what you stand for and finding her own identity. She doesn't want to be a clone of you. There will be parts that she will pick up and use that you have said or done but she wants to be her own person.

So the next thing you can do when she comes home is to make up a list of the new house rules of coming and going, laundry, respect - call if you are not coming in tonight, and spend time with family.

I wish you both luck at this crucial transition. If she doesn't have a job perhaps now is a good time to get one to keep her busy.

Honestly, a child is always your child and a parent always has more life that has been lived and advice to offer and for that one reason as an adult of 30+ years old I still look to my parents for their input on some decisions - note that I said SOME, not ALL. I think at 18 that is a perfectly acceptable time to allow her to be making her own decisions about things like classes to attend or not attend and how she wants to handle that without unsolicited advice from parents. Is she "grown" no. Is she working on it - yes. Are they "mature" or "responsible" maybe not, but lessons and experiences she needs to have to get to that level. I also do not consider fiscal independence from parents to dictate mature or responisble behavior, either. Just because I worked and paid for myself during college doesn't mean I didn't make some horribly irresponsible decisions, but I learned:)

She knows what she needs to do to pass her courses at school.
It is her responsibility. If she fails it is her fault, that maybe you will not continue to pay.

Our daughter is living on campus. She has taken ownership of her behaviors, her choices and her business up at school.

Yes, we still are financially assisting her, but she is an grown woman.

Whether you think or treat her as a grown woman is your choice. But in her mind, she is grown. You do not know everything she is doing.. If you continue to tell her what to do, she is not going to share with you.

Instead I give m opinion when asked. OR I say, "this is a suggestion." I also always make it clear. When I give an opinion or suggestion.. No one is obligated to follow it, I do not take it personally.. Yes, even with our daughter.

You need to leave her be.. She is now grown.

Legally 18 is grown. She can and legally enter into a contract which is binding.

In my home we have made it clear to our children that when they turn 18 and have graduated high school, 1 month after graduation they will be responsible for paying their own telephone bills.

Your daughter does have the right to not attend classes. She has the right to make bad decisions and she will need to live with the consequences. Your giving her money is nice for you but if you intend for her to be fully responsible stop paying her way. Don't use the fact that you pay her way as a manipulation of her behavior and choices. She is not for sale and I can understand her resenting your trying to control her through the purse strings.

On the other hand she should be more appreciative and cooperative as a person with no pot to pee in and no window to throw it out of. She wants to be and adult and make decisions and you should be encouraging and letting her. We learn more from our mistakes over our triumphs. Let her make her own mistakes. Offer advice when she asks but try to let her grow up. Grown ups make their own money and other things for themselves. She needs to do the same.

It's time to transition for you from being the parent of a child to being the parent of an adult.

My daughter turns 18 this month & we are considering putting her in the dorm next fall (in town).

Ugh -- all her life I've made the statement "when you turn 18" and now I wish I hadn't -- because she has the same mindset that she will be an adult.

I will be reading the other answers you get -- mainly writing for moral support. I did let her make smaller decisions when she was younger but she has no clue (at least I don't think so) about how dangerous the world is, etc... those kinds of things. Plus I do way too much for her :/

Angi is right, missing a college class is not the end of the world, she can have a friend record the lecture or borrow notes. No one cares how many classes she misses as long as she does well. The catch is you cannot do well in the class if you consistently miss classes but a few each semester, no big deal.
It is not you're business, if she does poorly come grade time then that's your business if you're paying for school. She will never totally grow up if you don't let her succeed and fail on her own.
I'll also add that lots of kids aren't ready to live on their own at 18 (myself included) I was just a late bloomer and was far more successful in college and life after about 20-21. Living at home, attending school and having a job in the late teens is actually more beneficial to a lot of kids so if she doesn't do well her first semester maybe she just isn't ready yet.

When we run out of money!!!!

When they act like it!!

So you're saying she's not an adult because she wants to take a couple of days off from school? When I went it wasn't such a big deal if we missed a class or two occasionally. If we just stopped going that was pretty much a no-brainer that we would flunk out but just missing the occasional class was no big deal.

If she has spoken to her teachers and made arrangements to make up missed assignments, she is making the grown up decision, she's taking care of the things that need to be done. Have you never taken a day off of work, or left work early, ever in your life? It might be that she's going to miss a few days of class for vacation, sick days, or whatever, it happens sometimes. I'm sure the teachers don't expect their students to be there for every single class, especially around the holidays. I'm sure the teachers understand that things come up.

In reality, about 30! I know they think they're grown at 18, but they don't have any world or life experience at that age. We have to let them make their own decisions/choices about most things when they're 18, but the decisions are not consistently good ones until they are usually in their 30's! Until then, we as parents (or at least it was like this for me) are still constantly picking up the pieces.

2 months before I was 22, I was working FT, getting my own health insurance, paying my own bills, etc. and never went back to live with my parents. So, that's when I felt I was "grown."