Yesterday, after I took my son to the dentist, I treated him to a milkshake at the McDonald's on SR 18 in Medina, near I-71. (I include these details with the faint hope that this woman I'm talking about reads Mamasource and recognizes herself)
While sitting in the car in the parking lot, windows down, (FINALLY a warm sunny day!) my son and I were talking about various things, and suddenly there is a woman yelling - screaming - next to us.
I looked over and saw a woman standing next to her very nice SUV, yelling into the vehicle at two girls (about ages 8 and 11) because something had apparently spilled on the floor. She was cleaning it up, and screaming at them about it. She called them names, and told them to shut up. She was awful. She was worse than awful. My son was shocked, and I was in tears, frozen in shock that a mother would talk this way to her children.
She went on to say, with sarcasm and vile, "Oh, it's always about Paige, isn't it? Paige has to look perfect. Paige has to have everything nice. Paige never thinks of anyone but herself. Paige always have to be matchy matchy and look so perfect." Paige, meanwhile, is in the back seat sobbing and trying to say she didn't hear her mother about something, and the woman screams at her "LIAR! SHUT UP!! You're a liar!"
This woman - middle to upper middle class - was very nicely dressed, blond hair perfectly coiffed, manicure, etc. Very apparent that she took pains with her appearance. So I'm thinking this poor girl - Paige - if she WERE the things her mother said about her, obviously just took after her mother, from what I observed.
Anyway, after the woman got back in the SUV and (still yelling) drove off, I was still shocked, and very much upset with myself for not getting out of my car and stopping her. I should have gone over and said, "Hey, take a break. You obviously need it. Walk away and cool down. You don't really want your daughters to see you like this, and I'm sure you don't mean the things you are saying to them. I'm sure you're a good mom and you just need to step back a moment."
I should have, but I didn't. I just sat there and cried for those poor girls, to hear the horrible things she was saying. So I was mad at myself all night, and today, still am disappointed in myself, for not doing anything.
My friend says I was better off not to, because the woman seemed so out of control that she would have turned her anger on me. But, that would have been okay. Because I'm an adult, and could handle it, and it would have taken it away from the girls for a minute, and let them see that SHE was the one with the problem, not them. It would have shown them that someone out there cared enough to step in, to say, 'hey, this is NOT okay and this is not how moms should behave.'
And please don't think I feel I'm a perfect mom. Far from it. And I do lose control once in a while and yell at my children. But I have NEVER called them any kind of name, I have never said, what is wrong with you? and I have never told them to "shut up". That is just NOT acceptable when talking to children.
So, I was wondering, how many of you would have said or done something in this situation? And what would you have said/done?
Thanks.
Truthfully, I don't know what I would have done. If she's willing to do that publicly, I don't even want to imagine want she does in private. I would have been very tempted to take down her license plate and call CPS.
Outside of Tedsmommy's suggestion of honking the horn, which is an awesome suggestion, what could you have done?
If you would have said something, she might have taken it out even more on her kids. You would have done more harm than good.
I'm not sure I would have had the guts to do anything. I probably would have accidentally honked the horn or something just to draw attention away for a min.
You were right not to do anything. It could have been even scarier for your son if that woman had directed her anger towards you and escalated the situation. Best to mind your business and send up a prayer for Paige!
I take medication for clinical depression. One of the symptoms of my depression is rage, especially if I forget to take my meds. My kids are aware of it but sadly, embarrassingly, and unfortunately I HAVE said things to them in fits of anger that I should not have said. THANK YOU for this post because it caused me to look a bit harder at myself and at some of the things I say to my kids during those (albeit rare) moments.
It really wasn't your place to do anything--even though she was a piece of work. After all, your first responsibility was to YOUR child.
Money doesn't buy class.
And there are no tests to pass before popping out a kid...
or two....
or three....
My father encountered a similar situation several years back while he was coaching a girls' team... a father screaming at his daughter in the parking lot and (as the father of 3 girls) he simply couldn't let it go. He walked up to the car and asked the man "Is everything okay here?" and physically put himself between the father and the daughter. The man instantly stopped (could have been b/c it was another man) and my dad suggested that he take a walk and cool down before driving his children in a car. Simple- no accusations, no judgments.
So, I would have done something, but absolutely NOT used a judgmental statement b/c that's not your role and you don't know what happened. I'm not saying it was an okay way to talk to a child, but we all have a different tolerance for yelling. You are making a lot of assumptions here, only some of which may have been true... (may not have been their mother).
Putting physical space between the yeller and the kids by redirecting her briefly probably would have done the trick.
Final thought... socioeconomic status is pretty irrelevant here. Wealth has nothing to do with patience or tolerance.
You poor thing. What an awful thing for you to listen to and your child to hear. I hope it didn't completely ruin your McD picnic! Hearing things like that sticks w/you, no matter how hard you try to forget.
I think you did the right thing to stay out of it. If she was already lit, she would have had no more fuse left if you talked to her and then she would have really unloaded on you. But, if you feel like you had to say something, I would leave anything personal out and just say something like "you know, other people can hear you" or "you are yelling really loud at your kids" and leave it at that.
Sounds like Paige will be going to therapy very very soon.
I don't think I would/could say anything. She was not being reasonable, and it would not work trying to reason with her. Maybe only someone who already knows her could have said something.
She was not hitting them or causing any physical harm, so there is not much to do in terms of reporting or anything... Kids are more resilient than we give credit for. I believe those girls will survive through it, although they felt terrible and probably will have self-esteem problems growing up. (I know from experience :-)
Maybe you could have removed yourself and your son away from the situation quickly... And make sure she saw that. You may want to have a conversation with your son about this too, to discuss what you two felt about it. It may be a good opportunity to connect with him and learn more about life in general!
Its easy to Monday Morning Quarterback and say what we would've done. But truthfully, no one knows what they would do in a situation until it happens to them. You are thinking of all the things you wish you'd said, but don't beat yourself up over it. I feel terrible for those little girls, but had you confronted her, it could've led to an altercation. Not just yelling, but physical. Think how bad you would feel if they saw thier mom get into a fight. The police would've been called. It would be terrible. What a bad position you were put in! Try to cut yourself some slack. I think If I felt moved to do something, it might've been to tell the mgr and have them say something.
I think ultimatly I would do the same thing you neded up doing.
By doing nothing, your son didn't have to witness you getting yelled at by this woman.
Its very sad this woman hasn't been able to get the emotional support and education to understand the impact she's having on her children.
What a B!+(# !!!! It so aweful for her daughrt to have to go through that, but Im not sure if saying anything would have helped the situation. The vile woman would have probably goten super pissed at you, and the taken her anger out even more at her daughter once she left.
I seriously would have called the police. I witnessed something like this once and i asked a friend (who is in law enforcement) because I too felt bad for not stepping in. He told me without a doubt I should have called it in. If she was that angry and irrrate over a spill, who knows what she may have done next. She was in no condition to be driving either...
I've struggled with the same question on a number of occasions. A couple of times I tried to talk a parent down. Once it seemed to help, possibly because I was trying to see the frustration from the mom's point of view. Another time or two, I was left with the terrible feeling that the kids were really gonna get it as soon as I was out of the picture.
One thing that probably never works is telling a parent they are wrong, out of control, need to cool off, etc. Imagine being in a rage and having someone tell you you're wrong. Not a good idea.
What might work better is empathizing with the parent without increasing the rage. This is hard to do, especially when you've got your own upset to deal with. But a comment like, "Oh, I hate it when there's a spill in the car! I'll bet your daughter hates it, too," might have the dual effect of "caring" what set off the parent and suggesting that it was accidental.
But really, there's very little that can reach a person already in a rage, whether child or adult. The real work is both emotional and rational, and there is little chance of reasoning when emotions are out of control. I think the only way to touch such a person is through empathy, and that takes lots of practice – even then, it never becomes a perfect science.
At the very least, this gave you a chance to talk to your children about the people you hope they will grow up to be. And as other posters suggested, poor Paige may actually use this, eventually, as a growing experience. I know the terrible mothering I received had the improbable result of making me a better mother, because I knew what I never wanted to do to my own child.
How sad! But confronting her probably would have made it worse. I'm sure if she started yelling at you your son would have been very upset. Also, maybe she wasn't their mother, maybe she was a much older sister, step-sister, nanny or the father's girlfriend? Still doesn't make it right, but unfortunately my teenage daughter sometimes yells at her little sister this way :(
Hey! That was me!!!
Just kidding! But I do know where that McDonalds is! ;0)
I honestly don't know if I would have said anything. I would like to think I would, but in real life, I probably would have done the same thing you did.
Hang in there, mama.
Its times like that I wish I could record someone and send it to them later so they can hear what they sound like! Those poor girls.
It can't hurt to take a license place number and call it into Child Protective Services.
I definitely don't agree with how the woman handled the situation or talked to her children, but I don't think you would have had any right to say anything unless she was physically harming her children. Everyone deals with their children differently and whether it is right or wrong, I think it was better to stay out of it. If I was reprimanding my children and someone intervened, I would have probably been very upset for 2 reasons:
1. You would be discounting my authority in front of my children and
2. Who are you to say anything to me? You don't know me or my children and have no right to intervene.
Just another perspective.
