What Would You Do? Advice - Non-mom Related...

Tell her you can not afford all she wants, and then tell her how much you can afford for the gift, and tell her if she wants more than that can buy, she has to help pay for it.

I'd tell her that while the cake set up is doable from a skill perspective, that I can only afford $50 in materials as a gift, which is the cost of the 2 cakes. If she wants the others, she'll have to get you the money in advance to cover them. (I'm making an assumption that if they paid no rent that they have a tendency to take advantage so I would not do it unless the money was paid in advance.)

you are a dear to offer to make her wedding cake. However, since her
requests are now into another category price-wise, could you say you
will do such-and-such up to a certain dollar amount. anything over
that, she should be willing to pay for.

I'd be honest and tell her that you offered to do one cake as a gift. Then poitely explain to her how much you are willing to pay for that one cake. Then tell her that if she would like to have another cake, you'd be happy to make it but she would have to purchase the materials for the cake (assuming that you are willing to do that).

I think that making and paying for one cake is very generous. You don't need to go beyond that.

As a cake decorator myself, I can see where you are coming from. Some of the flavors are adding to the cost, but the amount of cake is adding much more cost. Fondant is not cheap, even if you make it yourself. Plus the time involved in all this. If it were me, I'd just be honest. I'd tell her that you want to give her a lovely cake, but some compromises have to be made. Explain that the costs are starting to add up. Surely she can understand that. Then give her three cake options. As for the groom's cake, I'd compromise on that one too. I'd be a butter cream transfer of whatever she wanted. Instead of the sculpted craziness. If this is her first time to plan a wedding, she probably has no idea what people charge for cakes and she's just getting excited and carried away. I imagine that it is not her intention to take such advantage of your generosity. The dresses don't sound horribly priced for a formal event, but adding $80 shoes is a bit over the top. The bridesmaids need to find a cheaper alternative and just tell the bride that's the shoe the want to wear. Again $200 in her brain probably sounds cheap compared to the money they are probably shelling out. Tell her now, in a non confrontational way so she can change her expectations. It's a nice thing you are doing.

I think you need to call the bride and invite her over for a sit down talk. Have your numbers ready. The cost of them living with you rent free for a year. The cost of your dress + shoes + hair-do + your kids outfits and shoes + hair-do for the wedding. Now add up the cost of cakes. Explain to her that standing up in her wedding plus the cakes will cost you $500-$1000. She either needs to contribute to your expenses or take it down several notches.

Why IS is that people think "cake" and think the $2.50 they spend on a single box, and $10 in frosting??? And the 2-4 hours it takes to bake and frost?

I haven't sculpted a single cake that cost less than $100 (excluding my son's despicable me minion mini cakes, but those were more in the style of twinkie looking cupcakes, but I digress). Most take at least a week to make, especially if there's modeling chocolate involved. And don't get me started on croque en bouche which needs sooooo much 'day of' attention.

I think you're an angel for even considering the groom cake. The wheels alone would take me 5-6 hours to sculpt and paint, and that's not counting pouring sugar or molten candy for the windows and headlights, the "open" door ((which you just KNOW is going to be a request, since it's a delorean... which you hope doesn't lead to a 'partial interior', because that's another (for me) about 10-20 hours of sculpting chocolate and painting and assembly)). All told if, I'm budgeting time for a (non open door delorean) about 30 hours, and about 50 for an open door. Minimal materials cost apx 100-150.

Sigh. And the 'cake decorating shows' haven't helped. YAH people! They edit the film!!! It's taking a team of 3+ people a week to make!!! I CAN, and have made completely to scale cakes entirely on my own (I work in clay and bronze and glass professionally, cake is the same concept and I just do them for fun), but it takes a LOT of time, and they are NOT cheap. The delorean cake I'm thinking of, if done by our local amazing cake place, would run between ###-###-####.

PERSONALLY, I'd sit her down with an either/or breakdown of costs & time.

Okay... so this cake idea here would cost me about $250 and run between 30 and 50 hours of actual time (not baking and freezing dead time) to make, and the actual wedding cake would cost me about $125 and take about 20 hours. I'm not going to be able to do both, and be in the wedding, and have the kids in the wedding because there's just not enough money or time to do it all. So what I would like to suggest is that you pick a cake for ME to do as my gift to you, OR we do some creative scaling in order so that I can do both cakes. I really wish I could afford a thousand dollars, but there's just no way, even though we love you 10 times that, and would do 10k in a heartbeat if we could, much less 1k.

Weddings are the ONE time when the recipient knows what all gifts cost, because they register for them. Which you can use to your advantage. Just get all bubbly, and also FEEL FREE to use the "don't want to upstage the parents/siblings gifts" since the delorean cake alone would retail for ###-###-####, and then the wedding cake for another 500...

Giving her the benefit of the doubt-she's clueless on how $$ she is getting.

I'd clue her in tell her that your labor is your gift, but for something so $$ she needs to pay for materials.

I would tell her she is going over budget for the cake and/or over your time limit too, if that is the case.

If you don't mind the time it will take to do the cake and she doesn't mind pitching in money, then go for her elaborate cake. But it sounds as though she is taking advantage of you, because you mentioned it was their gift.

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I would let them know you could put X amount into the cake as your gift (plus your time), and that they needed to pay the rest if these ate tbe cakes they want. If needed, explain that your budget only allows for X amount because of your dress costs and your children's wedding clothing. If she's reasonable, she'll think nothing of it! Anyone getting away with only a few hundred bucks for both cakes with multiple flavors and decor should be delighted!

I haven't read your other responses, but this is getting outlandish by the moment for sure. I think I would say something like, "My budget for your wedding gift cake is $_______ and the type of cake that fits in that range is such and such. If you'd like to go with another option just let me know and I'll figure out how much above and beyond my gift amount you'll need to spend." Good luck!

I would just say that while you would still be happy to provide a simple, lovely, delicious wedding cake as a gift that the more elaborate designs are out of the question given how time consuming they are. Emphasize that with being in the wedding party and having to also commit time to the rehearsal, getting yourself and your children ready, etc. that you just cannot commit to complicated designs because there is too much of a risk that something would come up and you would run out of time and you want to make sure that something as important as the wedding cake is done well.

I don't think that people who don't do cakes realize that even a relatively plain two-tier stacked wedding cake with flavors and fillings takes days to make. I've done similar cakes for two 90th birthday parties and between the baking, making fillings and frosting, constructing the cake and decorating it each cake probably took me 15-20 hours of hands one work spread out over several days. I've carved cakes for my kids' birthday parties and those easily took 20 hours to decorate.

I think you are well within reason to set reasonable expectations for what you can and cannot commit to - you're not Charm City cakes with a kitchen, a staff, and all of the equipment, ingredients, time, money and space to create whatever the bride's heart desires!

I agree with Marta. I would tell her that you are investing a lot of money into the wedding already and would be able to GIFT her $50 in cake services, but if she would like something more than your gift, she will have to pay you. I dont think it is unreasonable, and if it were anyone else she would be paying for a cake. Say it now, and give her time to think about what she really wants. If she decides she wants more than what you will gift her, then she can work the cost into her wedding budget. She may decide that your gift is enough and small cakes as discussed will be enough. You are a very generous niece. I would also talk to your uncle and let him know.

I have done cakes as a side business for friends and one family wedding.

My sisters' wedding cakes were super time consuming...four tier with icing and real flowers, basket weaving. Four or five layer grooms cake (no theme just chocolate as the "theme").

The wedding cake took every evening of my time for over a week and then I took a whole day off work to assemble and finish it on site.

They were my gift too...and I never even got a thank you. She looked at them and "humphed" at me. If she had bought those cakes they would have been between $1500 to $1800.

I would tell her I am willing to do choice A, B or C...let her pick and then not keep changing and upgrading the cakes on you.

I personally vote for cupcakes with two small very nicely decorated cakes for the bride and groom.

I was just in a wedding and two of the bridesmaids complained about every cost put in front of them. I told them this... When you agree to be in a wedding, you agree to spend all the money the bride asks you spend (on things like dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, etc.). If you can't afford to be in the wedding, you should tell the bride that you can't be in the wedding for financial reasons.

As far as the cake goes, you should tell her that the cost is too expensive and that you would love to make a beautiful cake for her, as a gift but you can only spend X amount of dollars. Then sit down with her and come up with a cake that fits your budget and her dreams.

I am not sure if you are asking for input on the design, input on cutting costs, venting, or asking how to get out or get them to chip in. However, I would say that when it comes to money matters (even of a gift nature) with relatives open discussion is the best way to go or you risk having them take take take on other occasions as well. On the one hand you could say "Its not that much, people only get married once, I will suck up the cost" but they have birthdays every year and anniversaries and other holidays as well. So I would be clear with them about any financial reservations you have about what they are asking and be clear well in advance of the wedding what the expectation is for the cake or cakes. If you are not comfortable footing the bill for all and are willing to split the cost let them know. If you want all that you do to be a gift let them know the extent of your gift and that anything over and above that is purchased by them. Its worth it in the long run to have the conversation now instead of feeling taken advantage of

Tell them your ideas, let them know how much their portion of the supplies will be and let them know that of course your labor in making the cake(s) is your gift to them. If they balk at the idea of paying for the supplies then go back to idea one: cupcakes. Be honest about not being able to afford all of the above mentioned expenses yourself, that's a lot to ask of anyone.

You already agreed to make the cake, and you stipulated that it is the gift, so I think you have to go forward. That said, you certainly are within your rights to try to steer the cake type and amount of detail that you'll put into it. If the bride balks, you can always suggest that they go to another bakery and you'll be happy to get a gift off their registry for them. Basically, you can put it back on them to be reasonable, without backing out of making the cake for them.

Good luck.

These things get so tricky so fast. I think I would keep the issues separate- the outfits you probably just have to deal with since you agreed to be in the wedding. It is frustrating that brides often don't consider other people's budgets.

The cake, this is different. She agreed to the first suggestion that you made, the cupcakes and two small cakes. I would let her know that your budget is limited to that, and that is your gift. Let her know how much anything beyond that will cost. I don't know this woman, and don't want to say anything bad about her. But sometimes when things are free to someone, it's easy to take advantage, and maybe she has no concept of how much more time and money all this extra will take. I'll bet if you told her the extra, she'd reign it in real quick. You are well within your rights and your grace to draw the line (in a nice way!).

I'd let her know you're already spending about $200 for the dress/shoes and planning to spend @$50 on the cake, and you'll need some reimbursement if she wants to do something that costs more. Then the ball is in her court. Even if she spends $100-$200 on a cake from you, that is SUPER cheap for 2 nice wedding cakes!!!!!

Best wishes

LOL! not really sure where you are going with this... Do you just want to know if root beer goes with raspberry... which ICK! or did you want to just vent about the bridezilla you are dealing with?

If you are talking cake, do chocolate or some other flavor people will recognize...

As for the wedding drama, I hate that people ask people to be in their wedding and then expect them to pay for stuff they will never wear again. This is a big pet peeve of mine. I don't know where that got started, but I don't believe in it at all! If the bride had to pay for everything, she wouldn't have so many people in her wedding and she would be more frugal. I paid for everything in our wedding. I was honored to have my attendants and I made sure they were taken care of!!!

JMO!

I would tell her that you'll do it, but she has to pay for the materials. This way you're not out for the cake. If she then says something about a wedding present tell her that it takes in upwards of 6-10 hours to do a show cake (which is what the grooms cake is turning into) and that for you to do all of that work should be enough.

I just did the SUV from Zombieland with a zombie on top and that alone took me 9 hours total. (Baking, decorating, sculpting and making the zombie.) If she can't understand that you'll be on your feet this entire time doing this, then she has bigger issues.

I think you should have a sit-down, one-on-one with the bride. Do it in public so if she wants to go Bridezilla, she (might) keep it less loud and abusive since she's in public.

Explain to her that you love her and support her wedding, but that you cannot afford the many expenses that are stacking up. Explain that you budgeted $X for your dress/shoes/hair/whatever, $X for for the kids wedding stuff, and $X for the wedding cake, which is a gift. However, with all the changes she is asking for, it's becoming too expensive and also incredibly time consuming (you are a parent with kids and are busy, and spending a week working on a cake is not feasible). So, offer to do just the $50 cake thing (maybe come up with 2 or 3 options at $50 that you consider do-able), or offer to step aside as a bridesmaid and return the dress, so that you can offer to do a cake for $Y (and offer her 2 or 3 options that are do-able within that range).

If she goes crazy, tell her you're sorry that she is taking it personally, but that is all you guys can afford at this time.

If she is a reasonable person, she will realize that she hasn't been thinking about how her choices are affecting others, and will stop and rethink this, and will graciously (or maybe begrudgingly?) accept the offer to do things in a reasonable way.

Can't you just tell her that between the cake, bridesmaid outfit, and your kids' outfits, you can't afford to pay for it all, and that the cake is going to need to be simplified?

I hate to see people in situations like these. Sounds like she's being a bit demanding & not very understanding.

I would be perfectly honest with her... it is too much for you! Maybe she hasent realized exactly how much she is expecting you to spend... so lay it out like this

cake $250
dress $120
shoes $80
child #1 $100 (including shoes)
child #2 $100 (including shoes)

that equals $650! whoa, way more than most families can afford to drop on someone else's wedding!

Say that you are willing to afford $_________ total for her wedding, and you will still provide the cake as long as it is a reasonable amount, OR if she is set on a fancy cake she needs to help pay for your dress, shoes, or kid's outfits. For MY wedding I paid for the bridesmaids dresses and shoes as a gift to them.

It is the bride's job not only to have a great wedding for her guests, but also be understanding and gracious to her attendants who help make the wedding "happen". She probably has just gotten caught up in the romance and excitement of wedding planning and hasn't really thought about all that she is asking of you! Once she sees it laid out I bet she will say "oh, wow...!" and she'll help you to find a great solution for you both!

-M.

Do you do cake decorating as a job, or hobby? Are you ok with all her requests (trying hard not to scream DEMANDS) and can you afford it all along with the dress and shoes.(hair and makeup)? That wasnt your question but Im sure I wont be the only one to comment on this. As for rootbeer float layer. I have no idea since Ive never heard of or tasted it. In combination with all the others, its a bit busy sounding.

While I understand it is a gift and let me say what a wonderful family member you are! You agreed to do a cupcake cake. Now, its a full blown wedding cake and grooms cake. Again, you are a trooper! I have never heard of root beer flavor and I'm not sure that sounds too yummy. Do they like chocolate? A clocolate with vanilla butter cream and raspberry filling? Now that's yummy! When is the wedding? I'm in the mood for cake now!!!!

I would tell her that in order to be a good bridesmaid AND a good baker, you need to keep the style as simple as possible because you don't want to shirk your bridesmaid duties. That being said, you will also need to know all the specifics by x date so you can purchase all the supplies well beforehand and figure out any logistics. I would keep on stating that you're concerned about doing two major roles at once and keeping that in mind, any type of shaped cake would not be feasible, but if she decides on a theme early enough, she could probably find a great cake topper online somewhere. (And yes, make her order it and pay for it, too).

Good luck.

Some good advice here about limiting the dollar amount you'll put into the cake, having her pay for ingredients because your time is worth $, etc. One thing I'd add to all that: Give her a drop-dead (OK, maybe don't use that term...) deadline for her absolutely final cake decisions and then with a big smile be very clear that she cannot change ANY aspect of the cake(s) after that time. Tell her whatever you must -- too hard to order new/extra ingredients; you will run out of time; you have other obligations and cakes are very time-consuming; etc. But give her a deadline or you could end up halfway through cake number one when she calls and wants to change something about it. I'd make the deadline pretty darned early too; you can tell her, truthfully, that with two kids and other things going on, you need a deadline so you can do your best for her. Then stick to your guns about the deadline if she tries to change the ideas after that.

WOW!

Couple of thoughts... you can't really hold the "attire costs" against her b/c when you agree to be in a wedding you agree to wear what they ask. Having said that, most brides keep cost in mind.

Second... when you offered to do the cake as a gift, I think you (reasonably) had a cost in mind and now she's winging off the walls b/c she thinks there is no "cake budget". I would talk with her and let her know that you are willing to contribute $100 AND YOUR TIME to the cake(s). Beyond that, she's going to have to contribute to the cost or reign it in! Be honest, but tactful with her.

For what it's worth, our wedding cake (5 years ago) was about $5 per person. If she were to purchase a cake through a bakery, even a "small wedding" cake would cost her upwards of $300. This is a GREAT gift and I hope she can see and respect that!

i thought that the bride was supposed to pay for the dresses and shoes? she sounds unreasonable to me!

OOh Girl!!!

if you can afford it - do it...but it sounds like you are already forking over some big bucks for the wedding....

It sounds like she doesn't know what she really wants...so if you have pictures - show her the pictures of what you can do and what you can afford to do....

I think a root beer float is nasty - but that's my personal opinion!! :)

As to the personal cakes???? I like the movie reels!! That's personalized and shows that you care!!

I don't have your talent...I can bake a cake and put frosting on it - but to decorate it or anything more than that?! YIKES!!! I refer to you!!! I can bake cookies, meat, etc...but don't ask me to decorate!!!

When you agree to be part of a wedding party, you agree to pay for the cost of dress, shoes, etc. My daughters were in a wedding 5 years ago, and the majority of dresses we looked at were well over $100. We lucked out and found some on clearance. Although I think $80 for shoes is over the top. So as far as that goes, other than shopping for shoes with the other brides maids, you really don't have much say or much to complain about.

As far as the cake goes, I'm sure she'll change her mind many more times within the next few months. As she comes up with these ideas, make comments "that sounds like a great idea", or "that would be really time consuming, I don't think I can handle that with all my other responsibilities", "I don't think I'll be able to find the materials for that type of design", "I really like that concept, but what if we just made a few adjustments". Guide her, come up with suggestions for things you know you'll be able to do.

WOW. Is she 20?
I would tell her you have a tight budget and X is what you can do and you can't do anymore. Timewise I would tell her that she has plenty of time to find someone to do what she wants and though it breaks your heart, you won't have the time or money to give her the dream she wants.
She is ridiculous and I can see her calling you the night before to add something.

This is exactly why I rented wedding clothes and had a cheapo wedding. The second time I had money and I paid for everyone's things.

Sounds like Bridezilla.
Write down the latest design requests and make it clear it is final. No more changes.

Frankly I think that you and the bride both are over-estimating your ability to both be in the wedding and pull off making something tasteful and elegant for the bridal cake/s without your cake/s ending up on cakewrecks.com. I'm serious.

I think as a bride, she has every right to have the exact cake she wants even if it's all tacky as hell (I mean, cupcake cakes? Beach with shells and sand? Star Trek? Good lord!) even when it's a gift. She does have the right to request whatever she wants within reason and within your budget but you have to be willing to put your foot down and describe what you're able to do. That would mean telling her the size of the cake/sheets/number of cupcakes/how many layers and tiers and the types of icing. Let her know that you ARE working on a limited budget so if there's something you can't do, be honest with her.

But that said, I think that it's still early enough to let her know that she ought to find a nice local bakery that will do her cake or she should see if her reception hall or caterer will include a cake in her wedding package. You can graciously back out by telling her that you're anxious about transportation of the confection as well as being able to pull off participating in the day appropriately and making sure your children are doing well as participants, etc. Cost doesn't have to come into it all. It's also going to be such a time crunch the closer you get to the wedding that the stress is going to be super-high.

First, I would have her pay for the materials, at least.

Root beer float might be weird for a cake, don't you think? Can you do plain chocolate or white cake? You can do a white cake with chocolate and strawberries for the filling. It is delicious.

I would tell her that you will create whatever she'd like within "x" budget. Let her know that "A" and "B" are within that budget, but that "C" is not.

I would let her know that while this is their wedding gift & will do your best to accomodate their wishes, you are also on a budget but will come up with something they will both like. I would sit down with her, write a list first of all the suggestions she wants & come up w/something of your own idea using ideas she came up with that is reasonable. Tell her, "this" is the ideas you came up with..."this" is what I can do, then do it. Later if she tries to change her mind, let her know that it's already in motion & any changes that have to be made will have to be charged for the difference b/c you've already gotten things for "cake A" & now she's wanting "cake B"...tell her you unfortunately won't be able to change now that it's already set to make. If she gets upset, tell her that you're very sorry but she already chose cake A & that's what you planned to make. As far as the shape of the grooms cake, pick something he may like. For our grooms cake, we actually found (in the cake section at walmart) some windup toy power tools for cake decorations, since he's a repair man, he had a cake w/tools on it. I'm sure you can find something online to get for him, including cake pans, decorations, etc to make it special. Hobby Lobby is always having their wedding stuff & cake decorating stuff on sale & plus they usually have 40% off coupons to use on one reg. priced item too! You can also check out OrientalTrading.com. They have things like that cheap or maybe there might be a website for cake decorating stuff that won't cost alot. Good luck!