What Would You Do?? - Garland, TX

Just to clarify, are you suggesting that they reward mediocrity but only give the exceptional students a pat on the back? If that were the case, why would anyone in this world work hard to be exceptional?

Just playing devil's advocate here... And I am not suggesting that your daughter is only average... But the AR program is a nationwide program with individual goals set to be attainable. The majority of students do reach their goal. I was a teacher, I do understand.

If you know that your daughter gave it her all, than that is your place, as her parent, to reward her and make her feel special. There will always be some reward or special privilege that she sees other kids getting that she can't have for whatever reason. This will not be the first or the last time.

If you were to make a fuss to the principal, the result would probably be that she didn't offer that reward ever again. It is just too costly to provide ice cream to practically the entire school. Schools are poorly funded as is. (and there is a chance that the principal paid for that out of her own pocket... wouldn't be the first time.)

I commend you for asking these wonderful mamas before jumping in. I know that it is tough when your child is disappointed. Maybe you should discuss what the criteria is for earning that reward and make an action plan of how to obtain that for next year. Use it as a learning experience.

Good luck in whatever you choose.
A.

Not everybody wins all the time...that's not life. I'm sure you've experienced that over and over in your life. It sounds like the school didn't really think through what they were doing....but, is that really worth going to school over the issue? I'm thinking there will be plenty more substantive issues over the next 12 years that will require your direct attention. Actually, kids these days are unfortunately taught consistently that everybody wins..and, they don't. Maybe this is a great opportunity to begin explaining this important, life-long lesson to your daughter. You sound like a concerned, attentive, involved mom, I'm sure you'll deal with it appropriately.

I didn't read the other posts, but my first reaction was "what the heck are they doing giving a food reward for performance when childhood obesity is climbing?". What's up with that? Kids expect that other kids who do better will get rewarded, but a food treat just seems wierd to me, and really rubs it in.

If you talked to the principal, I'd approach it from the "food as reward NOT good", rather than the hurt feelings thing. That's just life (it stinks, but it's true.). Take care!

R.,
I disagree with many of the posts you've already received. I think it's great if an award was given to kids that achieve remarkable milestones, but to make the other kids sit and watch them "experiencing" their reward is cruel! It would have been a better idea for the school to give the kids a coupon for a free ice cream at McDonald's - the coupon doesn't have to be given to ALL the kids, but the ones that didn't do so great aren't punished.

I would let it go - just take your daughter out for ice cream. I have two sons and they go to a private school and each have a "Homeroom teacher" that stays with them their entire school career. The older son's teacher does no awards nor does he acknowledge superior work in public, but rather congratulates each boy individually. My younger son's teacher is TOTALLY opposite. He publishes the top GPAs and lists all the boys names per each honor role - he presents this to the boys in their homeroom and at a parent meeting. He feels this motivates the boys to do better. Honestly, I totally disagree and I would hate to think how the parents whose kids make no honor role feel (that's about 15% of the class). But, there is no point in my complaining and honestly, I think the parents worry about it more than the boys. And they do give treats for the boys for this that and the other. And, my two sons cannot have wheat (gluten) or dairy, so they are never able to participate in the pizza or ice cream parties. But, you know what, they are okay with that. And, honestly, it's a good lesson in life not being fair and that mom can't always make life fair for you.

Now, if your daughter was the only one singled out that would be different. But, this is really no different than many experiences she will have in the future with awards ceremonies, etc. Also, I assume that they publicized that the award for the 100s would be ice cream, so your daughter would have been aware.

So, honestly, this is a good example of picking your battles and this is one I would not pick. The main reason being if you have a real issue related to academics, teacher issues, etc in the future, the principal might well have already formed an opinion that you are a "whiny" parent.

School is meant to be somewhat of a microcosm of the real world and this is a perfect example of that. As long as the reward criteria was stated up front, I see no problem with how it was administered. Not everyone can win, so not everyone gets the reward. It's the same in real life. Yes, it can be hurtful, but the alternative is conditioning our children to know that they don't have to do the minimum requirement and still get the reward.

I know the above has all been said by previous posters here, but the main message I wanted to convey is this. If you feel strongly about this and decide to go to the Principal with it, you could possibly have a hand in taking this reward away from the students who would have received it in the future. Another case of the squeaky wheel getting the oil. A few are affected, or offended, or feel that something is unfair and they ruin it for everyone else. Don't be "that" mom. Sometimes speaking up is called for. In this case, however, I think it would be a bad choice.

I would say this is a good time to communicate with your daughter and reinforce the reality that she will not always win and she will not always get the top reward IF she doesn't do what's necessary to get it. It doesn't mean she's unworthy, it just means there has to be a minimum requirement and if she wants that reward, she has to meet that requirement, in school as in life.

Blessings,
N.

Just a side note... when I was working in schools 2 years ago we were not allowed by the state to give food awards that weren't on the list of permissible nutritious snacks- that stood for birthdays and everything with the exception of 2 preplanned school party days that could not be adjusted. You could remind your principal of that issue- he/she could actually get in trouble for that! Here is a link to current info on that, though I don't have time to do more than skim it. It looks like now birthdays can be celebrated, but school shouldn't be providing food with minimal nutritional value. http://www.squaremeals.org/fn/render/channel/items/0,1249...

I agree with Nicole and Mary.

Don't be "that mom". It is time for a good learning lesson for your daughter. She will go through a lot of disappointment and glory throughout her school years. She needs to learn how do deal with it.

You sound like a great mom......I completely understand your point of view.

I am actually gonna stand with you on this one!! I would not over react or be crazy mom, but it was inappropriately handled..period. Does it mean that you cant reward children who excel..nope! Nor do I think we dont need to teach our children the lessons of life, HOWEVER..she is 7!! That is so unfair to allow the other children to eat ice cream in front of those who had none! I had a similar situation last year with my oldest daughter who was trying really hard to master her addition facts! She is so bright, this one thing was just a struggle for some reason..like crying frustrated kind of struggle. Well, at the end of the year they did a "nacho" party and for each number they had mastered they got a certain topping for their nachos. If they got above their 9's, then they got bubble gum, cookies, and a coke etc! Here was the trouble, she struggled the most with her 9's, but clearly the 10's and 11's were easy. I was not about to allow her to feel that frustration, so I called the teacher and spoke with her about it. They had a conference with the other teachers, understood my point of view, and altered the reward system such that the kids who accomplished everything still got their "treats" but that the other kids had a better chance to earn the same thing! I am not explaining it well, but I was glad, as were the teachers, that I brought up this particular side of things, and they have now changed this policy for good. I HATE!!! the idea of schools using junk food as a reward for grades anyway, but that is a whole different story. So I say, bring it up in a nice, calm manner, explaining your concern and see what happens. Even if you end up being the reason that this specific reward is taken away, they will create another, more fair reward in its place. OK, I could go on and on with this one, because i know that people will percieve this as being soft, or not teaching kids the appropriate lessons in life, blah blah blan..but really, they have plenty of time for the hard lessons!! And lets just face it, if you are at work and the boss choses to give an employee a bonus for a job well done, he does not call everyone into the room and state that so and so just got a bonus check of $5,000 etc. Right now, the lesson she needs to learn is that you will help her resolve concerns, even if that means standing up to the school principle! But, that is just my opinion..long winded I realize, but mine none the less. Good luck!!~A.~

I just read Lorie's response before I wrote my own. I agree completely with what she said.

You know I'm all for teaching children the art of competition and finding ways to encourage them to do thier best, but to me that's just torture! I remember one time I forgot to have a permission slip signed for a field trip. I called my mother that morning from school and she said that she would come to the office and sign one. Well, when it was time to leave for the trip I wasn't allowed to go because I didn't have the slip. I had to sit in the library with a boy who was constantly in trouble and other classes would come in and out during the day. I just knew those kids thought that I got in trouble and wasn't allowed to go. Come to find out my mother had come and signed the slip but no one told my teacher so it just sat there all day. I was heartbroken and so was my mother. The point is, I never forgot about that day and I'm 33 years old. It hasn't made me a better or worse person, it didn't make me a better or worse student at the time but it did leave an impression that has yet to go away.
I'm so sorry that some ignorant person with a degree thought that sitting children in front of their peers with them eating ice cream would make your child "try" harder. Most if not all children try their best and unfortunantly, because all children are different, some still do better than others. I think what your daughter's school did was inappropriate and just plain mean.
I would suggest going to the principle and I hope that you do, but I've seen similiar situations on this site that don't encourage me much in the way of positive reform. I'm not sure what it will take to make teacher's realize that kids, while they should be rewarded publicly for their achievements, it should not be at the expense of other hardworking students.

Wow, I completely agree that not every one wins but to make little kids watch them eat ice cream?? Another extra award or the coupons is a great idea! Or, they should have pulled these kids out at another time and let them have their ice cream. Our school has different "small" parties for kids that do extra things. My child would feel guilty eating it in front of others and not get to enjoy the pay the principal wanted. It doesn't sound like she thought it out.

I completely agree with Lori. My 4-year-old is already learning about 'not winning' when he doesn't beat us at board games or things like air hockey.

He's also learning that he won't always be the best, like in soccer when there is a kid a year older than him who is a bit faster and can pull the flag.

He's also learning that doing your best doesn't always get the reward like when he tries REALLY hard not to wet his underwear at night, but still does, and doean't get a Dry Underwear present.

These are the facts of life and we should support our children but not insist that those who get a perfect score get the same treat/reward as those who don't. Even though your daugther did her very best, if she gets ice cream along with those who scored better than her, then that cheapens the other kid's accomplishment. I'm sure there will be plenty of other times when SHE is the one enjoying the ultimate prize while others do not.