What to Tell My Five Year Old About Her "Daddy" Not Being Her Dad and Leaving...

Wow, your husband just showed you his true color of character. What an a$$.

He is seriously going to do this to your daughter who has known him as her only dad all of her life?
Unbelievable..

You should have been honest from day one with your daughter. You are now in a tough position because she will feel betrayed by both of you. You may never regain her trust.

Poor innocent children in the midst of this cluster....k.

I would suggest some counseling for this child so she can pick up the pieces she has been dealt. Expect some rebellion and do not gripe about it because you are the one who caused this by hiding the truth from the start.

Don't get into any other relationships until your daughters are grown up. They need stability, not a revolving door of dads.

Shame on your husband. He's the only dad she has known. Please try to think of a very sensitive way to tell her. In her little mind she might think she is the reason for his leaving, since he doesn't want to spend time with her any more. What a jerk! I would take a break from men until your kids are grown. They don't need more idiots in their lives.

Oh my god I'm so sorry. Your poor little girl. He's an a-hole. How could he do this to her? This breaks my heart.

I don't know what to tell you. Hopefully others will have good suggestions. I just wanted to extend my sympathy.

What a dick. Sorry but it must be said. So he is "picking" one child over another. Talk about a wedge between sisters. Yikes!

I would have lost a lot of respect for my "husband" if he had made that comment and quite frankly I probably would have said something not very nice.

You and the girls need to go to counseling. I think you need to talk to a professional and figure out how to tell her that is age appropriate. She is going to see him come and pick up her sister and not her. That WILL mess with her head.

I don't think I could be with someone who could be this cruel to an innocent child.

Does your husband not love the daughter you shared all these years? Does he know how very, very hurtful he's being? Why doesn't he want to be a part of her life for years to come. His reaction blows my mind. Either he's been an a $$ all along or he's hurting, confused and doesn't realize how damaging telling her now when he just left her.

I agree that she needs to know and suggest you get professional help in telling her this. Now, when her Daddy has moved out, is not the time to tell her. She's experiencing one big loss just by him moving out. Two major losses at the same time is more than a 5 yo can understand. She will hurt and may be never be able to handle this in a way to heal. Do both of you understand this? Both of you are hurting. Both of the girls are hurting, already. Both girls' pain will be tripped if he follows through with this.

He needs to understand that his biological daughter will also suffer. She is attached to her sister. Telling one daughter is telling them both. I just cannot comprehend a father doing this.

You probably should have told her a while ago so she wasn't getting hit with two big things at once but then you can't put that horse back in the barn.

You need to be honest with her, otherwise things will be even more confusing for her. Seems like when adults try to be clever, hide things, it makes things much worse because kids usually pick up on things that are off.

Don't completely understand why your husband doesn't plan on being part of her life since he has been the only father she knows mind you. Doesn't really sound like a great guy.

I have a family member who married a woman who had an infant. The infant's biological father was not in the picture at all and never would or could be.

My family member decided that the infant would never know that he wasn't the dad. He legally adopted the child (when the child was too young to know what was happening) and it was never spoken of again. The child, and his siblings that would follow, never knew that he had a different biological child.

Many people encouraged my family member to celebrate being his dad - to have an adoption day, or at least to talk privately with the family. But instead he went to great lengths to hide the truth. He ignored all the wisdom that was given to him.

When the child was 11, a relative came to visit who hadn't seen the family in years and years happened to mention how cute the child was at his parents' wedding. He was only 1, and wore a sweet little tux. He asked how was he at the wedding (my family member had forbidden any wedding photos to be displayed in the home). They told him the truth.

He was devastated. It was a horrible way to tell him, and it was done badly. They stumbled around an explanation, and he realized he had been lied to his whole life.

The child later said that he wished his parents would have talked to an expert about how to correct a lifelong lie. He wished that they didn't try to tell him the way they did - just fumbling for words, trying to explain the coverup, assuring him they only had his best interests at heart - and wished that they had gotten counseling, that he could have spoken to a counselor. They never spoke to a counselor or pastor about it, and he never was given the chance to work through such life-changing news with a professional. Today, he's in his mid-twenties. He doesn't trust people, or himself. Frankly, he's a mess. He seeks girls who need him, not for something helpful, but to fuel their alcoholism, or to babysit their multiple children who have no dads, or to pay their rent.

He has admitted to his mom (he's estranged from his dad) that when he found out by accident that he was adopted, and when he was told badly by his parents without any professional guidance or support, that it changed something important within him. Basically they told him that it was true (what his relative told him) and he didn't have the same biological dad as his 4 brothers and sisters, but he was told "not to stress about it" and "hey we're still all family, right?" with a big old stupid grinning happy face.

So I don't know if this helps, but it's a similar situation, directly from a child's mouth who went through this whole thing. Bottom line - the child wishes to this day that either his parents had gotten some professional advice about how to bring up such a sensitive subject, or that he could have worked through his feelings with a therapist. It's a huge thing to find out.

I'm sorry that your husband is so cold and thoughtless and hurtful. But your daughter doesn't have to have her life ruined - as long as such important news is delivered properly and with counseling. Regardless of whether you get back together, your daughter deserves truth and honesty.

Sure he is totally a jerk for turning on this child but that doesn't let you off the hook for lying to this child about her bio dad. Your 5 year old has been set up to be doubly hurt. First by the man she believed was her dad this whole time and secondly by the mother who lied to her about who her father really is.

You are going to need professional help to deal with this and it may take a long time for this process of healing to be complete.

I also agree with others that indicate you should seek out an attorney the law on this may be in your daughter's favor but understand you can't make him love her any more than you can make him love you. You need wise the wise counsel of an attorney and a counselor Prayerfully you and your daughters will be healthy and whole in the future otherwise your children will repeat your mistakes.

Honesty is really the best policy especially when it is wrapped in unconditional love. Please learn what that looks like and how to shower that on your daughters. They are going to need it.

Ugh, this is a huge issue for me because it's part of the life I deal. Here my side from the wife of a man who was never told he had a kid - and then was introduced years later.

When my husband's older daughter was 12, her mother ran in to him at a gas station and told him he had a kid. We've been through a LOT in our relationship and this caused problems for me. The daughter is now 17 and has very little contact with my husband. The only time they call is when they want money and never for any kind of relationship. I see it hurt my husband so bad - he wants a relationship with her. Her mother was 100% wrong to lie to her daughter from day 1....I am SO mad at her constantly for that. For a few reasons...I don't think my husband's daughter has still come to terms with the whole issue. She was 12 when her mom told her she lied about who her REAL father was. And that anger went to my husband instead of her mother where I feel it should have gone. We built our lives to live comfortably with the 3 kids we have. Not that we haven't tried to welcome his daughter in to our home, but she only pops by when she wants a gift (so Christmas time and her birthday) and she only calls to tell him she wants more minutes for her cell phone or an expensive hair style. SHAME on her mother for allowing this to go on the way it has.

Not going to lie, as someone who is effected by a decision you made - you're causing WAY more harm to her and others in the future by not being truthful with her. You should have told her from the beginning.

As far as him acting the way he is, I disagree. He agreed to lie to her and he has no right to hurt her. But no matter the outcome, she needs to know. Yes 5 is young, but doing it now is better than doing it to her when she is 12.

The best advice I can give is to have you (and hopefully) your ex go to counseling together, even a session or two, on how to handle the issue about your 5 year old. If he won't go, then you go on your own and get advice on how to approach it with your daughter.

I would also encourage you to have your daughter see a child therapist throughout this separation process because at 5, kids are internalizing things. I became ill when one of mine was 5, and in the next few years we saw all kinds of destructive behavior. It took us a bit to link the two, because we didn't think a 5 year old would be that affected. I would think this situation would be even more painful for a child.

Best to you - what a difficult situation. Keep us posted.

ETA: Patricia has really good perspective having gone through something similar. I thought about my sister who was adopted. My parents told us all from the beginning. I can't imagine how she would have reacted hearing of it from someone other than our parents. Because it will come up. We had the odd relative or family friend mention it over the years.
Something to definitely ask the therapist how to address. They will have experience in this I'm sure.

Are you and he able to have a civil and rational conversation? If so it would be worthwhile finding out why he is abandoning one of his daughters? It could be something as stupid as he is sure that down the road (if/when you remarry) you will cut him out of her life and he would rather just rip the band aid off now. You can assure him that you should both be looking out for her well being and that you have no intention of using the kids as pawns in a divorce. Or he thinks he will have to pay child support and doesn't think he can afford support for both kids. A family therapist is certainly indicated.

You need to speak clearly and gently to your husband and let him know that if he does this, he will be messing up this little girl's life forever. He will also be messing up his own daughter's life since your older one is her sister. He needs to CLEARLY see what he is doing. He needs to man up and take on the responsibility that he took on.

You should also get some counseling for all of this. If you don't act swiftly and with HELP from someone who knows what they are doing you will create permanent chaos for your children! Daddy issues - not a pretty thing.

Are you going to go to marriage counseling together? Will he go? If so, this is an important thing to talk about. How much he will hurt this little girl for the rest of her life if he treats her as less of a person than her sister!

If he won't go to marriage counseling, if he won't change his tune about that little girl, then you shouldn't take him back. He has shown his true colors that he doesn't have love in his heart. Even though the court probably won't make him pay child support for this little girl, he could still act like he loves her. What he's doing is awful.

I had a friend whose husband did this. He wouldn't even carry the little girl on his health insurance, even though it wouldn't have cost him much more.

I don't have advice for you about how to tell her that he isn't really her daddy. Talk to your ped. I would think he can give you someone to talk to you about it.

I would absolutely follow the advice that others have mentioned below about contacting a professional child therapist to help your family through this transition.

I know this is far reaching but (in Illinois) there used to be a loophole in paternity law that if a man (not biological father) cared for a child for a certain amount of time he was seen as the legal father in the eyes of the court...... This was 20 years ago though so I am sure a lot has changed, but it might be worth talking to a divorce attorney about.

I think I would get ahead of this anyway and start talking to a divorce attorney and protect myself and my daughters.

Please see this man for who he is.

This is extremely cruel to do to a child and complete disrespectful to the title "Dad" if he feels the relationship can just be cut off.

Who are the other stable relationships in both girls' lives? This may be the time to strengthen these connections.

Wow, I am so sorry. So your husband is hedging his bets that your marriage won't work out. I imagine at this point you will now never be able to forgive him for his deplorable treatment of your oldest daughter. I'm sorry I just don't see how this could possibly work out.

I think you should work with a therpist. This is going to be devastating to your daughter. How does your husband not get this? What kind of man is he that he could do this to her. So sad.

He's upset and wants to hurt you. He knows that it will hurt you if he keeps distance from her. That is very selfish.

Honesty is the best policy. I didn't grow up with my real father. Didn't met him until I was 16. I always knew that the man my mother married wasn't my father. She was always honest with me.

I would explain that "daddy" and I met when you were already born. He helped me raise you. He wasn't there when you were born like he was with "child-name". Child-name and husbands name .......

Gosh that is so hard. Jerk-face needs to grow up and not be so mean to the little girl he helped raise. I am curious what others suggest.

So sorry you are going through this.

You need to tell her right now that he is not her biological father. She deserves to know the truth. That really has nothing to do with whether or not you and your husband are together. She has the right to know the truth. I agree that you should have just been upfront with her from the very beginning, but what's done is done.

Your husband is completely heartless for even considering having visitation with just his biological daughter. If he wants any chance at reconciliation, he needs to take both girls.

I think she's too young to understand and he needs to include her in his visits. If he loved her, loved her and cared for her at all, then he has to know it will devastate her to not be included. I think you need to get her and yourself in counseling right now. So she will be prepared for the eventual knowledge he's not her daddy.

She will want to have a relationship with her real father too. Whether he's a good guy or bad. He's her dad so she's going to want to know him and find all his warts and ugliness for herself. Sad but probably true.

I think his reluctance may be due to possibly having to pay child support for a child that is not his. Secondly, whoever is now in his life may have convinced him to abandon your daughter.