What to Do for Friend Who Lost Child?

We buried our triplets 3 yrs ago. From experience I can tell you that she won't ask for help. And if you ask what she needs, she won't have the mental and emotional stamina to express it. Just do it. Bring them dinner, mow the yard, wash the dishes... Let her talk about her child, even though it might be awkward to you. She doesn't expect you to have great wisdom to share with her, she is well aware you haven't been where she is. Please don't tell her he's in a better place, or try to offer her reassurance. At this point she doesn't want him to be in a better place, she wants him to be with her. Just tell her you are sorry, you love her, and you will be right beside her in the weeks and months to come. Make her get up and go out places with you. I can remember not even wanting to get out of bed. Remember the birthday, and remember the day he died. Take flowers to the cemetary periodically during the first year or so. We have to drive by our cemetary every day and when we see new flowers there, we know that someone was thinking of us and took the time to show it. Just love her. Cry with her, laugh with her, and stand beside her. The first year is the hardest. Thanks for wanting to be a wonderful friend to her, she will need it.

Sorry for the double post! ~A.~

1-I just want to say that the strength of all the women who have lost their children is amazing to me! You must have a special place in Heaven for warriors like all of you. I cant imagine being in this situation.

2-S.- I have never lost a child but lost someone very close to me when I was only 19. I never imagined how difficult it would be. The thing I remembered help most was reading, I picked up a few books at the christian store on grieving (sp)? and it truly gave me peace for at least a little while. I guess knowing that so many people have gone through the same thing and survived helped? When something like this happens, so many people think they can help by saying things, but thats really not the case, there is nothing we can "say" that helps, time heals everything and in the meantime we just stand on the side to help. I applaud you for thinking of your friend.

I lost my oldest child 8 years ago when she was almost 2 years old. It was so very hard, but the thing that got us through besides our faith, was our friends and family. Make sure right now that you mark down his birthday on a calender and the day he died. People who still remember those dates for my daughter are amazing in my eyes...If she will talk about him, then don't be afraid to talk about the happy memories that you can remember of him. My daughter was sick, so some things are harder to talk about, but I love to remember all the fun times... Offer to organize her photos of him in chronological order since that might be hard for her to do. This one is VERY important...buy her a journal. She really needs to write down how she is feeling and what she can remember of him now. The sad fact is that some memories can fade over time, and she should write down things as they come to her. That helped me so much more than I can ever say... Most of all, be there for her. Clean her house, cook dinner to freeze all without asking.

A.

Hi S.,
It so good that you are wanting to support your friend.
I lost a child several years back, and I agree with most that everyone has said. Most people will not know what to say to her so alot of people do not say anything at all. I would call her everyday evem of she does not answer leavea message, and do thise for several weeks, as well as the meals, and other tasks as well.
Another great thing when she is ready is to help her with an album of the cards and motes she reeived during this time. I would also volunteer to help her send thank you notes. Encourage her and support her but remember every ones grief is different, and some grief more than others.
She is probably still in shock, so the sadness, anger and bargaining stages are all to come, and she bounce back and forth in these.
You might buy your self a book abut grief especially concerning a child so you havea better idea of what she is going through.
Sometimes she might just want someone ther to sit with her and talk and cry. If she has other children helping to take care of them would also be a great thing !

I personally have not lost a child but lost a nephew who was 15 months old. I agree with all the responses but especially with what Gail said. I remember for my BIL and SIL how much they appreciated people cooking / supplying meals and helping with things around the house and just being there in general. I also second what Gail said about "Please don't tell her he's in a better place, or try to offer her reassurance" because I remember how upset this would make my BIL and SIL. Everyone has good intentions and most people don't know what to say in a situation like this and want to help them but I specifically remembering my SIL saying the best thing she could hear was "I'm sorry and I'm here for you". I also agree with remembering the birthday and anniversary of the death and letting your friend know that you are thinking of her on these hard days. It's been 8 years since my nephew died and this is still a big deal for my BIL and SIL to have people reach out to them on these days.

My parents lost their son (my brother) and in the immediate days/weeks that pass, they most appreciated friends & family helping them with the everyday tasks: like bringing over meals (after the funeral week), doing yardwork or housework, running errands. And, it is important that you not ask how you can help (because when you're grieving you can't verbalize it or feel right asking for it), but instead, share how you'd like to help and then set up a time to show up and help. Of course, with meals, you don't even need to let them know ahead of time, just bring already prepared casseroles and other family-friendly meals. Even the inexpensive rotisserie whole chickens from Walmart or other grocery stores really helped out.

I also LOVE the ideas shared by the other Mom to you, about buying her a journal and not being afraid to talk AND mainly listen as she shares about her special memories of him. My Mom needed to talk about him from the time my brother was a baby and so on. And, the idea to set-up a time to go through pics with her and make a scrapbook, etc. That would be so special.

You are so thoughtful and kind to have her on your heart and WANT to do something. God will give you the strength and 'stretch' your time (because I'm sure you're a busy Mom too, with your own responsibilities) to be there for her in these special ways. Just don't feel like you have to do something everyday, think of it as a marathon and not a sprint. Like you said, many will go on with their own lives now and that is when it is the loneliest. Even a note in the mail, means so much to a grieving person/parent.

May God richly bless you as you reach out to comfort and bless your friend. L.