What Should I Do???

Hi L.,

My mother in law and I don't get along. She does not think I am good enough for her son. This bothered me for a long time, but now I just think of what my family says and my friends, and remember that I am a good person. I am polite to her, for my husband's sake, but am not friendly.

I would go to the party, as much for your husband as your daughter.

I also wonder, and I don't mean to sound rude, but maybe she does not feel included in your duaghter's life. She does baybsit for her, and lucky woman that you are, and maybe she wants to feel needed. Maybe to appease her, ask her opinions on something or ask her if she notices your daughter doing something.

But be the better person, be polite and do what you can.

L.,

Think about what you would accomplish staying home. 1. Your MIL becomes more aggitated with you. 2. Your husband becomes more weary of defending you to her. 3. Your daughter misses out on time with her mother and doesn't get the chance to see you performing with grace and dignity in the presence of pettiness.

Rise above the muck and be the adult in the situation. Don't get pulled in to any put-downs or unwanted advice. Just go, put on your game face and wait for the time to end with a smile. You'll feel better about yourself if you do.

Good luck this weekend.
J.

L.,

You're just going to have to be the better person and bite your tongue. You won't win anything by proving your case and that you're right. Go in and just be polite. It might even get worse before it gets better, but if your behavior is unreproachable, then everyone will see who is real source of the problem. Try to find a neutral way to answer, such as "Gee, mom, I'm sorry you feel that way. I never meant to make you feel that way." Or that it was never your intention to do that, etc. You've admitted no guilt, been the bigger person, and defused the situation. (But it will be tough, I'm sure!)

Your mother in law obviously feels disrespected or is needing some attention, or is lonely and misses her son, and using that as an excuse, so let it go. It's not a battle worth fighting. Family is often the source of the most stress in your life, because these are the people that matter the most and you got whether you chose them or not. :)

You've got good childcare, right? Or good enough, better than non family? So be glad for that, your wonderful kids and hubby.

Sorry. It's probably not what you wanted to hear, but I have realized that in life, the things you are the least guilty of are oddly enough the things that you get accused of...and that really pushes your buttons! But, oh well, that's life! Good luck! (It was good you vented here first.)

I have a very similar situation. My advise to you is to just go to the cookout-be the bigger person. Try to forget what she says about you. Hopeefully your husband is on your side. My usually is, and that helps a whole lot. Try to keep in mind that she is going to be your mother in law for a long time, and do what is best for the long term, even though I have no doubt that you are very upset about what she said. Hang in there and do what is best for your kids.

I didn't read your request until today but i wanted to respond to your husband thinking you need therapy. I think it is a wonderful idea. You will have a neutral third party to vent too and my guess is that at some point the therapist is going to have you bring in your husband and MIL to "clear the air" which hopefully make dealing with the in-laws easier. Good Luck.

It's hard, but you are going to have to bite your tongue again. If something is said, you may be able to somehow get it out in the open, but if you love your husband, you will have to bite your tongue and try your best to do what is right for his and your child's sake. Been there, done that. It never got better between us. My husband and I divorced. They hated the other woman, but things weren't much better. Hope your's works out. I'll say a prayer for you.

In-Laws are tough! Mine are Korean and the older they get the more they revert back to the old customs! I have had so many problems with them! They even went as far as trying to talk my husband out of marrying me. They are very disrespectful of me and my space they were just here visiting and his father went through everything in my house including my purse! I really have to ignore alot of the things that they do. I pick my battles carefully but when it comes to our baby I would always chose what is right for him no matter what they say! Sometimes I think moms just have a hard time letting go of their little boys! Hang in there and try having a sit down with your in-laws sometimes I don't think they realize what they are doing.

I know some of what you're going thru although I don't know the specifics. When I got pregnant with my 2nd baby my hubby and I announced the great news on Christmas day in front of his entire family. Let me tell you it was dead silence. Not one person congratulated us at all, not even after that day. I've never felt more unwelcomed in my life. Things just got worse after that. Rudeness on the phone from his mom and little things that showed me that I was a second class citizen. I had enough and told my husband something has got to change because this wasn't right. After trying to talk to her and she still not getting or acknowledging any fault we decided to take a break from his parents. It's been the best 6months for me. We now are about to have a sit down with them explaining all the hurt feelings and the rule of respecting our wishes on how we want to raise our daughter (which was one of our major issues with them). Now I will tell you my hubby wasn't on board in the begining but after seeing how upset I became and stressed he realized this can't keep happening. I would try and talk to your husband and then see about sitting down with his parents just the four of you to hash things out. It may or may not work but it'll show your husband your willing to work things out if they are willing. Because trust me its no fun going to a family function that you feel not welcomed to. Well I hope this helps.

I know the feeling. Sometimes I feel that my fiances family only befriends me because they feel that I won't let them see my kids. I've felt so out of place because I'm a stay at home mom since we really don't know anyone here and we don't make enough money to put them in daycare. I don't feel like its anyones place to watch my kids. I want to work, yet I want to wait until my youngest starts school. She's 2 1/2 years old. Yet because we don't make enough money to do the things they all do, I feel like we are so last minute anything. No one lets us know about any get togethers until the last minute. And we're suppose to drop all our plans for theirs; which I'm not really complaining about. Just kind of sad, due to the fact we never get to do anything as a family, unless its with his family. They always talk about work and how they bust their butts taking care of their kids this way or that and they have people to help them out. Yet, I don't and I feel like I'm being judged. I sometimes feel that I shouldn't be with my fiance do to the fact that I am not at work and slaving away at work and make my kids my last priority, because that's what they do. Work is first, bills, than kids. And in my eyes, its my family, work and bills. I know you need money to be able to take care of all that, but you can always replace the money and job. You can not replace the family. So I am so depressed because of his family. When I was back home, I worked hard at my job, took care of our home and took care of my kids, our bills were always taken care of and I never felt that I was obligated in doing anything. We all were happy, and never felt like we were struggling. Here, we pretty much have it made to a point, yet I feel like we're struggling more now than ever. At times I feel like exploding and telling them all off and telling them how I feel when they make me feel so little and pathetic and like a loser. Yet, I try to be nice and bite my tongue and cry it out later. But I don't like letting people walk all over me. So I do let my fiance know how I feel and that I'm hurt over all this and maybe some day he'll let them know, or when I get comfortable enough to say something.

L.,
Show your mother-in-law (and any other family members, and most importantly, your husband) that you are not the disrespectful woman that she thought you were. GO TO THE MEMORIAL DAY GATHERING. That way, you can let it be seen that you are a polite and mature person. Let everyone see that your husband chose a nice woman. Also, it gives you the chance to take along whatever your daughter needs for her own food and you can oversee that she does not miss out on her regular routine. Good luck, L..

Try confronting her about it. You might have to eat a little "humble pie" in the process. But you could approach her and say "I understand that you think I am being disrespctful to you. Can you be specific?" Then when she gives an answer, apologize-- "I'm soo sorry that came across as disrespect, I certainly did not mean it that way."

You should not stay away from the Memorial Day festivities. You could try calling her on the phone before then, or if you think she cna hae this conversation without getting angry, try to find a quiet moment with her at the picnic. If you decide not to go, the BF baby should stay with you, as you cannot deprive him/her of nutrition just to satisfy either your husband or your MIL's need to show the baby off.

Best of luck,
Laura

I know it's tough L.. Hang in there. My preacher once had a great sermon for this. When we get married we are supposed to live for our spouse first, kids next and the parents and grandparents come last. We move away from our parents and eventually our kids move away from us. The point I'm trying to make is, if it makes your husband happy then maybe you should go. I can tell it's very hard for you. But I can tell your tough and you can suck it up for one afternoon. Good luck!

If you don't go, you'll only ADD to the problem and reasons she has to not like you or whatever. Go, limit your time, spend time talking to others. Acknowledge and thank her for having you and leave it at that. Friends, neighbors, family, etc won't sense a problem, you've done your part, so to speak and if it seems like there is a problem, it comes back to your MIL.

I DO think you two need to sit down and have a chat. WHY does she think you're disrespectful? On top of that, why did she tell your husband and not you? She should come straight to you and not through her son.

You need to talk to her about your goals and values as a parent. She needs to respect those. If she can't abide by those as a sitter, then don't let her sit with the kids. Find someone else to barter with if you have to. Not that you keep them away from the grandparents, you just don't have to let them babysit.

Does this woman think you're not good enough for her son? If not, why? There is something deeper here that needs addressed. Deal with it and move on.....for the sake of EVERYONE!

L.,
I would go and be with the rest of the family.Your Mother in law will always be there and believe me you will either please her or you won't .Don't dwell on it.No one was good enough for my ex husband , boy was she surprised when he came out of the closet and told his family he was bisexual. I left and got on with my life but he is still the love of my life I just couldn't take the chance of getting AIDS.

i just read your response to what you plan on doing. y does your hubby think YOU are the one needing counsoling. it's bad when he chooses a side, so don't allow that. i don't think you need a shrink, you need a nicer mil. i know not everyone gets along with their mil, but you definitely have to meet somewhere in the middle. i would talk to her in a noncomfonting way and find out why she has such feelings. you don't want tension within the family, it sucks. i've been there. you just have to realize that in order for you and your hubby to be happy, you have to pretend to get along with his family too. i hope i helped a lil, a lil something my own mom taught me before i got married. i know it's hard but it's something we all have to deal with, after all mil's think we stole their baby boys

What do I want to say to you? This is hard because my dad's mom and my mother did not like each other. I mean seriously did not like each other!!! It finally came to head when my grandfather had a heart attack and grandma had to stay with us for a couple of days because Uncle Bob (dad's older brother) was out of town on business and couldn't take her to the hospital etc., and Aunt Norma (dad's sister) worked full time as did her husband, it was spring and he and his mother owned a farm they worked, and my cousins had come down with the mumps. We moved my brother (9 years younger than I am) into my room and gave her my brother's room to use.
My mom and I got into one of our many arguments one night (I spent my entire 7th grade year grounded mostly because of my mouth and refusing to do my chores) and grandma decided I was right and my mother had no business carrying on like she did. I left for school at 6:30 like every morning to catch the bus. My dad heard the door close again after I had left and when he checked my grandmother was gone. She had called a cab from the basement and left by the back door, we later found out. He ended up taking off work to try to find his mother. Up to this point my mother never missed a family gathering, never didn't invite my grandparents to my plays or dance recitals etc. and always had them over to dinner at least once a month. She was always polite, never spoke back, etc., and while it could be a little strained when grandma contridicted my mom, etc. my father always backed my mother.
This was a major problem, I told my grandmother and my father both that I was at fault, not mom, immediately when I got home and dad took me to see his mom two towns away. It didn't matter to my grandmother that I was in the wrong, even in my own eyes.
We didn't see my grandmother for the next 3 years. It was really hard on my grandfather because he loved both of us and liked my mom. He would sneak over to see my brother and I and even brought me my 16th birthday present on the sly so grandma didn't know about. My brother was the only grandson and looked a lot my grandfather. It also put a strain on the relationship with my uncle and his family and my aunt and her family. We didn't spend holidays with them anymore either and had to plan separate times to see them. Grandma even talk to my brother or I on the phone.
They finally made up enough to spend some time together again, but I have to tell you it wasn't worth the strain.
I would go, be polite, etc. I am sure there are other family members who will be there for you to spend time with. Just keep a stiff lip and your chin up!
P. R

Go, for the sake of your baby and husband.
Don't sink to their level.
If you do not go, she will have won.
Just be polite, go on about your business, and don't play the game.
If it starts, walk out of the room or house.
Just conduct yourself with dignity.

I am so sorry, me xmil was a terror, my xhusband believed everything she said and i was always wrong. BUT (LOL) they are good christian people and I am not _according to them. :)
I would ask her for examples, and I am sure she could not come up with any and I would also find alternative day care. She will bad mouth you to your children too.

L.: Please don't avoid you MIL!! Similar problems have occurred in my own family. You and your MIL should consider sitting down and discussing what is bothering her--and you.
You might want to ask your husband the best way to go about setting up the meeting place/time--but keep him out of the conversation with your MIL---it's not right to stick him into your/MIL disagreement. I recommend someplace neutral like a restaurant. It may be VERY uncomfortable, but I suspect there are issues that both you and your MIL need to get out--to at least understand where the other is coming from.

It may wind up that you agree to disagree, but it's better than having unaired issues that BLOW UP every now and again.

Games are great aren't they? *eye roll* Without knowing all the details it's hard to judge what you should do one way or another. The best thing to do is to always turn the other cheek, so to speak; however it's not always easy. Being spiteful will only add fuel to the fire. When she yelled at you, how did you respond? Did you yell back? It's so hard not to! Especially when you feel attacked. Could you try and speak to her woman to woman before the cookout? Possibly tell her that you never meant to disrespect her in any way and if she could tell you how you disrespected her, then you could work on it in the future? This will make her give specific examples of how she felt disrespected. Make sure you tell her that you don't appreciate her twisting things around when she spoke to your husband. Be clear, consise and adult. You don't want your kids to miss out on time with Grandma, if you can help it.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out for you.

Personally, I've been thru this. And on these occasions, I opted to stay home. Why go around someone I know doesn't like me or want me around. In fact, my mother-in-law & I had a HUGE blow up one year, on Christmas eve, over the phone. I didn't go to her house the following day. At the time, my son was 5, so I insisted my husband go spend the day with his family, and take our son. Matt absolutely did not want to go, if I wasn't going, given what had been said to me. But I told him it was between his mother & I and that I appreciated his support, but I didn't want to ruin Christmas for our son. So he went, and I stayed home. I was pregnant when all this went down, too, so that made it even worse. But had we had a baby, I would have kept the baby home with me, because I, too, breastfeed my children. So I'd keep the baby home with you. Not out of spite towards her, but for the simple fact that you now don't feel welcomed, and you have an obligation to your baby to feed her. Eventually my mother-in-law & I reconciled, and we've had a wonderful relationship since then. So don't lose hope. Things CAN still work out between you. It just may take some time and even some more angry words before it's all out in the open and can start to be dealt with.

I have one of those MILs too. Go, smile, nod, play nice. Ultimately you have far more influence over your children than she does. My ds, 11, and dd, 8, have already realized that even though it doesn't affect the fact that Grandma loves them, she is a wacko. No matter what I do as a parent it will always be wrong. Once the baby isn't BF anymore than you can be much more picky about sending time with DH's family. Just make it clear to him that you must present a united front and if she is disrespectful to you at the party, he will stand up and say "You will not talk to my wife that way." and then all of you will leave.