What Do You Think Mom's Out There?

Hi S.,
Sorry to hear that you have a dishonest husbanc. A person doesn't shower and use cologne to go to the gym, I am certain you are intelligent enough to know that.
Just have a talk with him.

I know it's hard to face, but he's already told you what he wants by his actions.

He's not supporting you...
You already feel like a single mother...

There isn't any benefit to staying around - at least if you leave he'll be forced to support the children.

Best of luck to you!

This is just my opinion but who showers and puts perfume on before going to the gym? Have you tried following him after he leaves just to see? or have a friend follow him? Have you had him paged at the gym to see if he is actually there? if he is actually there and questions why you are calling him just tell him you will talk about it when he gets home. this is going to sound really bad, but I have friends whose husbands have had affairs,I have never met a cheater who didn't cheat again. Usually when my fiends were suspicious of their husbands they were right to be suspicious.

Hi there, I think you already know the answer to your question. You're just looking for some validation. Trust your instincts. Yes I believe there is something going on. He's showering before he heads out to the gym?? You have to decide how much you will endure from this man. With two kids and working full time, you don't need the added stress of wondering what your husband is up to. You need peace of mind.

Tomorrow night, get dressed up perfumed and leave the house before he does - stay out really late - maybe don't even come home. See how much he likes it. Then its time to have a long talk with him about your marriage and especially about your family. I wish you the best of luck. Maybe try counseling? PS - for your own protection, get tested for STDs - just in case.

Oh S.
You already know what is happening here. And he is not even doing a great job of hiding it.
In you spare time while you are waiting for him to come home, why not throw all his stuff out on the front lawn and change the locks.
He cheated on you once and you took him back?
You gave him his chance....HE IS THREW!
Go on with your life and get rid of him.

I know it is hard, you have been with him for 9 years, but have you truly trusted him 100% the entire time? Even after you knew he cheated?
Don't give yourself all this stress, get rid of him.
My best to you dear!
BE STRONG!!!
You are better on your own than with someone like that!

S.,

If you are writing this, then I think you know the answer.

When someone is telling you who they are....LISTEN.

If you do this, then the power is in your hands!! People choose to live in different ways with different people at different times of their lives. And the choice of whether to stay, go, stay for a while, sue him, or ignore it is yours.

I left my son's father last year. We were never married (I actually am thankful for that). The reason that I left was that life had settled into a "roommate" situation.....as in he acted like my roommate rather than a partner.

I didn't trust him. He had lied to me before, and after years of "trying" I realized that unless people really want to change, they don't.

This decision was hard....this year has been hard....and I had a lot of support. So I am not suggesting that you go hog-wild or anything.

Just know that you have the power to direct your own life. And everybody....I mean everybody, has the right to be happy.

I don't know where you live, but there are support systems out there for the difficulties that you are going thru. There's meetup.com and in Brooklyn there's park slope parents that has various groups within.

Good luck. And enjoy your two beautiful babies............

Hi S.,

In my humble opinion, the fact that you even felt the need to post about the situation is an indication that you have misgivings. Add to that the fact that no gym is open until 2 a.m.! Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt, and assume he starts out at the gym, he clearly is not finishing up there, and he clearly is not being forthcoming with you about where he is. Finally, from the sound of things he is going out of his way not to be home with his wife and children.

Whether he is actually having an affair, sleeping around, or not, almost doesn't matter. He is clearly not treating you with respect, and he is not putting his family first. One thing I have learned is to believe a person's behavior before relying on their words. No matter what your husband's words say to you, look at what his behavior tells you.

The question now is "What do you want to do about it?" Do you want to continue living with someone who treats you this way? If you need to stay for financial or other reasons, what can you do? I had a similar situation a few years ago when my husband would come home late a lot and when I knew he was clearly lying to me about where he was and what he was doing. I was out of work with two kids. I let him know that as long as he was behaving that way I would not put our marriage, or him, first. I used to have a place set at the dinner table for him whenever he came home, plate his food, etc. I stopped doing that, put the food away, turned out the kitchen lights, etc. I stopped waiting up for him. One night I had a meeting I wanted to attend and I was tired of having my schedule revolve around whether or when he came home. That night, for the first time he came home to find a babysitter with the kids. (By the way they're from a previous marriage). The point is I sent him the message that I would go on with my life and take care of myself and my children. He started to turn his behavior around that night. When he would speak to me in what I felt was an abusive or disprespectful tone, I began telling him "Don't speak to me that way".

My point with saying all this is, I think it is clear he is not behaving the way a loving husband would, and you have choices as to how you will respond to his behavior. I imagine you are feeling very hurt and angry. May I suggest that you focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children as opposed to trying to hurt him back (which is understandable but doesn't do you any good)?

Please feel free to disregard anything that does not feel appropriate for you.

Good Luck!

J.

S.--What do you think is happening? There are some women who turn a blind eye and others who can't. If you can turn a blind eye on him cheating and having another kid than that's your choice. It's clear from your note that he's up to something else. Not too many men put on cologne to go to the gym for 8 hours. You're still young and the choice is yours. People don't change and obviously he doesn't have too much guilt. If you can live like this that's your choice. Most women can't.

Hi S.,

I'm sorry to hear your situation, but it sounds like he may be cheating again. Why does he shower and perfume before the gym. Where does he say he is until 2a, not the gym of course. My advice would be to stand up for yourself, if you're already basically a single mother, than maybe you should really be one. You deserve someone to love you and respect you, and that's the best lesson you can teach your kids too.

Good luck!

It sounds like theres a good chance that he is cheating on you again but speak to him first and hopefuly he will come out with the truth.Ask Yourself if there are things in the home that he Might be running away from ,this is not to say that he has the right to go outside the home.Problems are solved by going to the root of the problem and both parties actively dealing with it.I am praying for and your family,it must be a tough time for you.Take all things to GOd in prayer ,it really works and do what is in your power to do and confront the situation,afterall it is about your family.
God bless you.

Sounds like you are in a hard spot. If I were you I would have a serious conversation with him. Just from reading your post..my gut reaction is he is up to something. How does he leave the house saying he's going to the gym and never calls or comes home at a reasonable time? That does not add up. Call him on it. Good Luck

If it smells fishy...it is fishy. I have been in the situation before. If you want to confirm for sure..for a small price hire a private investigator. They are cheap enough to know for sure.

You have forgotten about who you are. Just take a look in the mirror and say I am a beautiful woman I can stand on my own two feet with out him. You have to take back your life because you have focus yourself around his. You are the wife not the second woman you need to get yours straight from the top when he get paid. STOP and THINK about the LAW YOU WILL COME FIRST IN COURT. You have the upper hand.

A shower, purfume before working out at the gym and still out at 2 a.m.?????
My guess is, he's out cheating....

You deserve better then this.....get him into couples therapy to try to get your relationship on track.....and call a lawyer and find out what your rights are...as your husband might never be happy being a married man.

S.,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It looks like all the moms agree that a family man has no business putting on perfume before leaving the house and staying out until 2am.

I agree with the mom who suggesting marriage counselling. Go by yourself if he won't go with you. It can help you straighen out your thought and decide if it is worth staying with your husband.

Good luck,
R.

Sounds to me that you know in your heart what is happening you just want confirmation - well - it sounds to me like he is definitely cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater.

I think that you have to confront him. Try to do it without anger, because with men, the best way to get them to hear you is not to be emotional when discussing a problem. If he is cheating, then you know what you have to do because it isnt the first time. There should not have been a first time, let alone subsequent times. Whether he is or not, it is not acceptable that he comes and goes as he pleases and disappears until all hours of the night. Even in marriage, we all need our separate time, but it should be fair and not one sided. You have a right to speak your mind. Either you are both in the marriage and working together, or you have to learn to do so, or you might as well be raising the kids alone, you are doing it anyway. Communication is so important here. That and honesty are the keystones to a good marriage. If you and he cannot talk, then suggest counseling so that you both have an impartial person to help you work it out. I hope this is helpful. For too long, women have had to wait around for the men to come around. Marriage, parenthood, the home, these are all things that take 2, not 1. And if you arent both willing to do it together, ALL of it, then something is very wrong. I know this isnt easy, so take heart, you are not alone out there. Be brave. Speak your mind. But try to do it rationally. All the best.

First, make arrangements to go out with a friend (or even if no one is available on such short notice, go to a movie yourself) tonight. Be dressed up, ready to go, when he walks in the door. If he starts to protest that he has plans he hasn't already told you about, tell him he will just need to find a sitter or cancel them. You need a night out, and you need to wake him up to the fact you are not part of the furniture of his life.

Second, you need to communicate and to get him to respect you. He has no right to be out until 2 am without you, especially without pre-arranging things, MAYBE if a best friend was back in town and this was the only chance to see HIM. No matter what, he needs to discuss it with you. And NO you are not his mother, you are his WIFE and therefore deserve MORE respect and communication than he would owe (or willingly give) his mother.

Third, I think for this to work, you may need family counciling. You need to both go and he needs to participate.

Or, you could cut your losses, get a good divorce attorney and/or private investigator, and get out now. He definitely doesn't respect you. The 3 steps above are to try to wake him up and change his behavior, and they may or may not work.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

follow him.... and if he's cheating.. your better off without him. Don't forgive and forget again... I hope he is not cheating.. but if so... give him the boot.. and live happily ever after with your children.. Good luck

sorry to say, but i think you know what is going on.

I'm sorry that you have been hurt by your husbands cheating in the past. Just the fact that you are questioning where he is, tells me that you "know" something is not right. You can ask him where he spends his nights, but rarely do cheaters come clean. Trust your gut. You deserve better. I will keep you and your children in my prayers. Good luck, keep us posted.
R.

Showering and perfuming BEFORE sweating at the gym??
1. Confront him when the kids are not around, or
2. Continue to live in denial so you don't have to deal with the issue, or
3. Find a way to track him when he leaves the house at these late hours

You know yourself, and you know your husband. Do what is going to make you at peace. If you choose #3, then make sure to take pictures with a great camera.

I hate to say it but it sounds like history is repeating itself. If you can't get him to couples counseling just go yourself. That gave me the confidence to leave my previous husband.

Hi S., This does not sound good. Have you asked him? I think you should. Maybe not tonight when you will be upset or angry. Most men I know will shower after the gym. I will pray for you, I have been in your shoes. Grandma Mary

Hi S., first let me say how sorry I am that you have to go through this. It's just not fair that people can be so inconsiderate of others feelings.
What do I think? I think that he is up to no good. No doubt about it!! he certainly wasn't at the gym ALL night, if at all.
It is what you want to do with this information that is the issue. Do you want to just turn the other way and keep being treated this way, or do you want to confront him?? You should not be living like this. Do you still love him? You both need to really take a look at your marriage, but let me tell you, a cheater is a cheater and he will cheat again.
I hope you are able to work through this one way or another....good luck

It sounds like he's getting one heck of a work out! And it has nothing to do with a gym!

You have some decisions to make! Make them!

Sorry but do you really need to ask???? 8 HOURS at the gym!!! Please do yourself a favor make sure you are aware of: Your family finances, mortgage, savings etc....and start figuring out how to handle things completely on your own if you have to!!! If your husband cheated once before then there is a good chance he will again......take care of yourself and your kids.

Hi S.,
I don't know what's going on for sure, but gyms aren't typically open until 2am and I don't know ANYONE that puts on cologne/perfume to go work out! Ask him what's going on. There's no way to be sure that he'll tell you the truth, but see what he says.

Well it sounds like he is at it again. I know no one who freshens up before the gym, they do it after. Your children are watching this and if they are old enough they are adding this up and thinking this is the way a relationship/marrage should be like, so they will follow in footsteps or marry the same, get out now and show them this is BS and you will not put up with it, like NO ONE SHOULD. I would also make sure if you have intercorse with him use protection so He does not make you sick, also I would get tested if you have had unprotected sex with him since your last child, it is obvious his extra activities are no protected, no PROTECT YOURSELF!!!!!!!

Good luck, seek a lawyer how to protect yourself legally as well. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you!!

S.,

I think you know what is happening.

You have two very beautiful children - but they're not for him. They are their own persons - and you helped bring them to life - but not for any person other than themselves.

It sounds as though he is not there at all - to talk to or anything - and that he is not just emotionally absent, but physically absent from your life. It sounds as though there is no counseling or any hope of it. It sounds as though there is little attachment on your end. "Let no one put asunder" is part of the marriage ceremony, but it sounds as though your husband has chosen to give you the one reason allowed for divorce - again.

Be strong - be very strong. Be kind to your children, yourself, and your family. Please, please, get tested for anything the OB orders when you say what is going on.

Cover your bases before you announce anything - and while it may be heartbreaking to have to do this (ie: instead of holding out for change on his part), it would be more heart breaking if your children learned this is the correct way to uphold marriage vows - on both sides. They are learning a lot right now - and you are their first teacher.

It distresses me to say find a good lawyer and talk to your OB. It also distresses me that his actions necessitate your having to do so.

If I were the person to do it - I'd do my research and have things ready and just change the locks. If he is so happy for 8 hours away from home, he can put his head down there, too.

It is hard when someone doesn't live up to their promises. It is even harder when they say they will change and not only don't, but get worse.

Be safe. Be your kids' mom. Be smart. It will hurt, but not as much as if he continues to do this over and over and over. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Do the sane thing.

Good luck, God bless, and stay healthy,
M.

I hate to say it hunny, but wake up and smell the perfume. It is more than obvious that he is cheating on you - Again - and that you let him get away with it. It is apparent from your letter that he doesn't care if you know or not. I would start talks with a good marriage counselor, either together or on your own if he won't go. Then I would start looking for a good Divorce Lawyer. You need to make sure that you get the child support/alimony you are entitled to. Good luck.

things do not seem right at all...trust your instincts, you already know the answer or you wouldnt have had to ask...good luck and be well

Hi S.
What is your instinctive reaction?
What would he do if you said you were going with him?
Are you getting his pay check??
Why are you putting yourself through this?
I know everyone puts up with different things for different reasons, but we don't have to know why but you do. Then decide if it is worth the result.
Since I am old enough to be your mom, I ask what does mom, dad say? Talk to them, if possible. Talk, call the gym.
As for me and my house I wouldn't let myself be burnt again. Once is enough, and for me I would call the gym, when he was not there. I would be gone. You see I expect to trust my man, and the diseases from him running would not be worth the staying.
God bless you and give you peace enough to act
K. === SAHM married 38 years === adult children == 37, coach; 33, lawyer married with 10mo son; and twins 18, in college after homeschooling.

I haven't heard of men putting on cologne to go to the gym let alone shower before they leave to go to a gym.

GPS system under his vehicle would be something I would be checking into.

2am and he's coming home? Bars close then. He could be hanging out with the guys after he works out...but....GPS system would confirm hos where abouts.

I can't tell you what you already know in your gut.

Sorry to say but it doesn't sound good. Most people/all people shower & freshing up after the gym not before. Have you asked him where has he been til 2:00 AM in the morning? Have you tried to reach out to him on his cell? Find out what gym he goes to & check out there hours of operation. Don't let him make you look like a fool. Good luck

i think it's time for serious counseling or time for you to plan your exit out of your marriage. that makes absolutely no sense.....to shower before you go to the gym?!?! and it doesn't take until 2 AM to complete a work out. i'm sorry S.....he has no respect for your family or marriage. you are only 30 - you don't need this for the rest of your life. best of luck.

S.,
You don't really need us to tell you what we think. We think the same thing you do. Trust your instinct.

like others have said - it seems like you know what's happening, its definitely suspicious behavior. and even if you confront him its unlikely he'll come clean.
when we were all sure my brother-in-law's wife was cheating his parents were planning to offer hiring a private investigator for him. luckily she agreed to divorce so they didn't need to. it was such a horrible situation, he just wanted to get out because he knew in his heart what was going on.

...or, it may be sneaky and show your distrust, but even just have someone you know follow him to see where he's really going. Maybe even get photos or video as proof (i think you can use those in a divorce if you need to go that route). Then you'll have solid answers and be able to make a good decision about what you want to do about it.

i'm all for giving second chances... but not third or fourth chances! but everyone's different... i'm sorry to say it doesn't sound like he'll have a legitimate excuse for his behavior, but hopefully things work out for you either way. keep us posted!

1 SENTENCE. who puts on cologne to go exercise????

I think he's up to no good.

S.-I am so sorry to hear that your husband is putting you through this. It doesn't sound good. Especially since he has cheated before. I would confront him - it just seems very unlikely that he would be at the Gym from 6p-2a...can you find out what time the gym closes? It sounds like he wants to get caught. Good luck!
J.

What I think is he is a jerk. As far as I see it he is a paycheck to you so I say make it legal and get child support. You will have less laundry and less aggravation. You deserve better. A leopard never changes it's spots. Be good to yourself and your kids find someone who will truly love you and your kids, they are out there. Good luck!!

hi S.,
what do you think???? i think you knowthe answer. i'm so osrry to hear that he treats yuo and your kids this way. you deserve better. i think you need some answers. Good luck and don't put up with any nonsense.

He is cheating!!!!! There maybe a gym open 24/7 but that is not what he is doing? Take it from your own past experience he already has a child with another woman. What type of example are you setting for your children? You are practically a single mother by the fact that he comes home and then leaves again. You have full time employment which is a plus you will not have to go and look for a job. You are only 30 you have your whole life ahead of you. Focus on the needs of the children and yourself and the rest will fall into place. Contact a good lawyer who specializes in divorce if you are considering that route or even if you plan a seperation so you can get the proper child support/alimony. Good luck in this situation it isn't easy, I have been there.

I don't think he needs to shower and put on cologne BEFORE he goes to the gym. Trust your instinct.

S., i do not bean to be so blunt but I think you know the answer to this.

I think you know what's happening.
The real question is what are you going to do about it?

You have choices right now and you don't have to see him in the actually act of intercourse with someone to make these choices.

If fact if you can confront him now and put down some ground rules it could save you from divoice down the line.

It may not seem like it from your point of view, but he ball is in your court.

S.,

I think you already know the answer. I honestly think he's cheating. Once a cheater, always a cheater. My ex-husband would stay out late claiming his brother's band was playing, he had to work late, help a friend move, help a friend get to work, etc. Guess who was home pregnant with twins & then home alone once the twins were born? While I was pregnant, I snuck up on him. We owned a bar at the time & he was supposed to be home by 9:00 this one Sunday. 10:30 rolled around & he still wasn't home. I drove by the bar & it was pitch black. He claimed he went out for a bite to eat with some of the guys. I found a text on his phone to someone saying, "Hey sexy, hope I'll see you tonight." His explaination was she was one of the bar goers & she had low self-esteem so he was trying to help her feel better about herself. After all this, my trust level was low. Last January, I was wondering why so many minutes were used on our cell phone bill. He made a 55 minute call late at night. I called that number. He denied knowing this person's name. Well, guess who he lives with now. I don't miss him at all & she did me a favor by taking this low life scum bag off my hands. I had all those warning signs & was gullable enough to believe that someone else would take vows seriously. So, please go with your gut. Nobody works out from 6pm - 2am! My kids are 2 yrs old. I would rather them have one positive role model than to see me live with someone that took me for granted. Before you kick him to the curb, mull things over. If you do divorce him, it could be for the best & I wish you well.

Another wise mom mentioned a GPS system on the car. Here's another take on that idea.... I don't know about other cell phone providers, but I do know Verizon Wireless has a program called Chaperone. You can track where he's going, as long he has the phone on him. It pin points the exact location. It's like $9.99/month or so, but it may help you nab that inconsiderate you know what.

Take care,
A.

I hate to say that there is something to be said about the old phrase "one a cheater, always a cheater." When you see the signs...you need to confront him. If you don't, you will drive yourself crazy. You don't deserve that. You are young and have a family. Get it on the table with him. I wouldn't accuse...but I would say what is going on? I might even say I know what is going on...and see what he says. Good luck. I hope things are not what they seem...but if you feel it...you are probably right. I never put perfume on for the gym. Come on.

Well, well I must say that I must be the first GUY/REAL man to comment on this article, but the saying goes this way, first time,shame on him/her , but the second time you have to be a fool to stay. And this is coming from a real man, he is using you for a door mat. Hold you head up high and be strong for yo and your kids. Once you let this man walk over, and try to moved on, the chances are you will let another man do the same. He is lying to you and the other person. But I have a strong few words for you, go and get yourself tested for HIV and any other diseases that he might have given you, and once you get a clean bill of health, put on your running shoes and please don't look back at this man. You don't have to lift 5000 lbs to be strong, just your pride and your kids , and most of all the lord will guide you forward, take care and hope that all work out for you. Show him and others that you can and will SURVIVED. YOU HEAR ME RUN, RUN, RUN FOR THE HILLS AND THE LORD. AND 30 YEARS YOUNG, you still have a lot of fun ahead of you without him. also look at history what some of those that want more than one home end up doing????I say no more, but wish you and the kids the best of luck.

Hi S.,
Why don't you ask to go with him? That should put your mind at ease. Good Luck

If he did it once and you let him get away with it, you best believe he is going to do it again, didn't you question yourself as to why he is putting on colonge to go to the gym? hint. hint...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. That being said, I think you already know the answer to your question. Men are so simple...they can't even be discreet sometimes. Shower and cologne before the gym? I mean, really. Who does that? Then still not home and its 2am? Come on! This is just making me angry. I'm so sorry and wish you all the best.

I think you need to have a long talk with your husband and possibly a lawyer. Document everything!!! His comings and goings. The fact that he cheated on you before is a huge red flag! See if you can hire or get a non conspicuous person to "follow" him. You need to think about yourself and your kids!! You don't deserve to live like this!! Take care and good luck!