What Do You Do When You're Out Visiting a Friend and You're Child Wants to Go?

Find a baby sitter - you need one or several.
It almost seems parents have lost the art of finding a baby sitter.
It needs to come back because I see a lot of miserable kids being dragged around when they could be comfortable at home with a sitter and not inflicting their misery on the general public.

You NEED some 'me' time.
It helps you be a better mom in the long run.
Also - your daughter could use some play dates too.
You trade off - sometimes the kids are at your house - and sometimes at the other friends house (leaving you some 'me' time for the duration).

9? That's ridiculous. She is old enough to respect boundaries AND entertain herself for a couple of hours, even with a child younger than her. And to be crying over it? Geez. Sometimes when I go to my workout class, moms can't get a sitter and bring their kids along to play together. Yesterday, the ages were 3 - 12 and the 5 kids all played together great with no real adult intervention. Did the 12 yr old have a blast? Probably not. Neither did the 8 yr old, but they sucked it up and were super respectful (and helpful).

Next time, I'd lay your expectations out in advance before going over to a friends: play with x child, or bring something to do to entertain yourself. We will be leaving at x time - if you cry/whine, that's on you, but I expect you can entertain yourself while I am visiting with friends.

You know she was manipulating you, right? Pouting in the dining room, teary-eyed, and refusing to entertain herself even though you had brought stuff for her to do - she was having a 9 year old version of a temper tantrum. And instead of calling her on it, you gave her what she wanted. That said...

My last ditch solution is that my kid takes a book, and then he can make himself comfortable in a quiet corner anywhere to read.

However to answer your specific question, if I'm going somewhere that my kid doesn't want to go, I prefer to send him to one of his friend's houses for the day - with that mom's full understanding of the situation and with an offer to have her kid over to my house a different day.

I would br really uspset by her behavior and I would tell her how rude her behavior was. I would also ask her if she thinks you are having fun every time you are waiting for her to finish whatever activity she is involved in. Personally, I have spent countless hours waiting for my kids at birthday parties, piano lessons, theatre practice etc. Asking her to wait patiently while you caught up with friends was not too much to ask of a 9 yo. Next time she is having fun at one of her activities, I would nicely point out you are bored and ask her if she thinks it would be nice if you made her leave. Give her something to think about. Kids are naturally narcissistic and it is our job to point out things are not always about them. You’ll be doing her a favor and raising a nicer, kinder person IMHO.

If she's 9 (?) she should be able to read a book or play on your phone or draw or something. She shouldn't need constant attention. Having said that, you don't need to pay for child care if you start having her friends over. I swapped kids with other moms all the time, we did it for each other. It was fun for the kids and free/easy for the adults. When they got older we swapped overnights.

9 years old is old enough to know how to entertain themselves for a few hours. If it was my child I would have told them to suck it up. If there was stuff they could do but didn't want to that would not be my problem. You are totally letting her manipulate you. Next time take a phone or Ipad or something that she can watch videos on if nothing else. Or she can color or play with a doll. There are so many things that she could have done that did not require leaving. Unless she's just spoiled.

A 9 year old girl in tears over a visit that is not particularly "fun" is a problem. By 9, she should be able to draw, or entertain herself with a simple hobby. Now might be a good time to help her find something that she can amuse herself with, and rely less on your packing a bag of activities. She can pack a bag for herself with a sketch book and some colored pencils, or a couple of good books that she keeps rotated via trips to the library. When our daughter was young and quite sick and needed to go to the ER or doctor quite frequently, our 5 year old son had a bag that he could easily reach that was only for "sissy is sick again" times. It contained a small fold-up little garage and cars (age-appropriate, and meant for travel), and his favorite Legos, and a small easy to eat snack (individual sized granola bars), a juice box, and a little zip-lock bag of basics like a bandaid, a couple of individually wrapped wet wipes, a little spoon, etc). He stayed quiet and kept himself amused and content. Occasionally when it was a particularly bad month I'd slip something fun in there - a new Lego, a favorite cookie, a little travel toy, etc, for him to find as a surprise.

But these types of activities can't be just pulled out in boring situations. If she relies on an electronic device for amusement, help her develop some other skills, like loving to read real books, drawing, sewing doll clothes, whatever her interests are. Make plenty of time during the week for non-electronic time. That way she'll be able to pull out the book she was reading and get right back into the chapter she left on when she needs to pass the time away. Get her some fun bookmarks!

And if she insisted on sitting alone in the dining room? I would have let her. No need to amuse her 100% of the time when you're visiting. There are plenty of adult things she'll have to wait through: doctors' appointments, school enrollments, waiting in line to vote, waiting at the motor vehicles line, filling out taxes, etc. Help her develop the ability to occupy herself when necessary, and not just on an iPad or phone. Make sure you're able to pass the time yourself without relying on a game on your phone, to show her how grown-ups learn to wait patiently. Maybe you two could read a book series together.

If your daughter is 9 (which I see in others' answers but not your post), she is perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done even if it isn't what she would choose. She goes to school and functions from 8 to 3, more or less, right? She might be better in math than the next kid, but a 3rd kid might be better at reading than your daughter is. Doesn't she function? Aren't there other kids in lower grades in her school with whom she shares the playground, the lunchroom, the hallway, the bus ride? So she's quite capable of being in a room with a 6 or 7 year old, with both of them making some adjustments to the other kid.

I wonder if she's used to "just the two of us" and doesn't like to share? That's understandable, but you are her mom and not her best friend. She needs to learn that you call the shots, not her. And she doesn't get to be rude or, frankly, ruin your visit just because she's bored. Ideally, she would find something fun to do with the other kid and be polite. Surely 2 kids can play Connect 4 or Go Fish even if they are a few years apart. It's okay if they do their separate activities too, although it's a lot less social/polite. Besides, if you should start dating again and have someone serious in your life, what's the plan? Let your child decide whether to pitch a fit or just look miserable? You'll regret that.

I think, the next time, you have a sit-down with her beforehand. I'd even discuss it with her now, while this visit is fresh in her mind. Tell her that she does not get to ruin your visit with a longtime friend because she thinks you are her entertainment system. I would tell her she is expected to come in and be polite/decent. She should pick one activity to bring with her and say to the host child, "I brought ____, would you like to play it with me? Or is there something else you have that we could both do?" She's taking the lead a little as the older child with leadership qualities, but also being deferential to the host. She needs to learn these skills for entertaining in your home as well - making others feel welcome and not only doing what she wants to. Show her how to do this - when you have people over, discuss out loud what you are thinking of serving or cooking because "I know they like it" or "I want to offer a few things so I'm sure everyone will be able to enjoy something."

I'd also have her take ownership of the "back-up activities" so you aren't in charge of everything and she doesn't get the right to "shoot down" every idea. She's 9, not 3. She can step up her game here. Otherwise, you can tell her that anyone too little to be polite and entertain herself is too little to ______ (play on a computer, stay up past 8, have a sleepover, get an allowance...whatever Big Kid things she wants to do). There is no way I would have left after 1 hour just because a 9 year old was pouting. She could sit in the car for all I care, but I'd be having my visit. And I wouldn't make excuses for her. I'd just say to my friend, "Petunia needs some time to herself to find her manners so she's going to the car to cool down for a while and be with her thoughts."

You do need to have some babysitting options. Maybe it's trading off with a friend who can't afford or find a sitter either. And the kids just learn to adapt. I also always recommend some good library books on a particular subject. Sometimes talking to the children's librarian about recommendations either at your library or on inter-library loan will turn up some wonderful examples to read about (rather than you just lecturing her about). Librarians are wonderful resources and they love to do a lot more than just help people scan their library cards!

I think I remember that your daughter is 9 years old. What does the other girl being "a few years younger" mean - a 6-year-old?

You should not expect your 9-year-old daughter to play with someone "a few years younger" (unless maybe if the other child's mother is also willing to try to "force" it, which apparently was not the case here).

You deserve to have fun but so does your daughter. Get a fun babysitter and go see your friends.

I think a 9 year old could entertain themselves for an hour (twenty minutes sounds pretty lame ... sorry) - I'd have told mine to bring a book, bring a device (iPad, something), a board game (if there's another child), toy .. craft to do with other child .. and snack.

Thing is - what about turning on TV? See, if I was the mom/host, I would have been ok if they had found a show if the two weren't playing. I mean... so long as the mom friends could chat, who really cares - it's one morning/afternoon for a couple of hours. Or I would have pulled out a craft or brought out snacks or something. I think the host could have provided some ideas too. Maybe she did.

My kids can cope - yes. However, honestly, I don't do this much. When we have, there has been a pool, or the kids go to basement and play hockey or the kids find something to do (they will just wander until they find a toy or game that seems to interest them). Worst comes to worst, they will play on computer or video game or something.

I try not to do this though - I stopped when they were preschoolers going on coffee dates with friends, or we would meet up somewhere that had an indoor gym for kids so they had something to do.

Could you do that instead? Go to a coffee place that had something for kids - like a cafe where kids can make crafts or something? We have places like that - that would be my suggestion.

Keeping those coffee dates short seems reasonable. If your kids don't hit it off, either you find a sitter, drop kids at a free library morning or something, or with a friend, or you do a shorter coffee date. I would pick a natural kid friendly spot though - or meet up at a park/.. something where kids might not feel they had to bond with the other kid but could if they chose to or bring crafts they could do side by side, at kitchen table but don't have to do together.

i don't know how old your daughter is, which is an important detail.

but the for the most part i'd take a dim view of this. whether or not the other child wanted to play or not, the fact that yours is a few years older means she's not a toddler- so clinging to you and demanding that you leave is not appropriate.

had one of my boys done this to me, my response would have been pretty grim.
khairete
S.

I feel your pain! I have 3 boys (twins that are 11 and a 14 year old). I can see them do this very same thing at any age. Kids don't want to sit around listening to adults talk. They get bored very easily when it comes to that. Not sure if this has been the first time you were in a situation like this with your daughter, but the next event I would prep your daughter about what to expect. I always tell my boys, life is not always about you and your needs. Sometimes it is okay to sit around, play on your ipads, and listen to adults talk....you may learn something. This isn't much of an answer to your situation, but there will be many more times your daughter wants to go, but I think with lots of conversation and prepping in time she will learn what her expectations are. Don't leave on her behalf or she will learn she has the control over you. You are on this earth to enjoy yourself too....remember that! That is always in my mind when it comes to situations like this. Good luck!

When I was that age my mom would take me to my cousins home and there I was deserted,by my mom and my cousins. I ended up usually, sitting just outside the kitchen listenig to the tv. Or sitting in the dark in the living room. I hated going there and couldn't wait until I was old enough to be left on my onmy own. My cousins hated me and I hated being there. Your daughter may be like me. She may hate your choice of friends.