What Do You Do When Your Kids Are Rude and Impolite?

You must be a real perfectionist.
Or you just don't understand children.
My kids are 13, 16 and 19 and they STILL poke and tease each other.
And why not let him invite a buddy to hang out with at his sister's party? Honestly, what's wrong with that?
I think you really need to loosen up. You're creating problems that simply aren't there :(

My kids are 10(boy) and almost 12 (girl). Why on earth would they want to be at each other's parties with the birthday person's friends? A family party, yes. Friend party, NO! I also think the not speaking up thing is part of the age. Not that it's ok, but I wouldn't consider it rude. Give some gentle reminders and over time, it will get better. It could just be part of his personality also, but you can give him some reasons to imrpove upon it.

Ummm....really?
ETA- I don't find that behavior all that rude or impolite. One of my sons is a quiet talker. I am often reminding him to speak up. He doesn't do it to be rude or impolite.
When I was a kid and we had birthday parties (there are 5 siblings) my mother often let us invite one friend over to play with so we were out of the way or let us go to someone's house so we wouldn't be bored at our siblings birthday.
The "tapping" on his sister is TOTALLY normal. Kids try whatever they can to annoy their siblings.
I said "really?" because I don't think that what your kids are doing is rude. Or impolite. Just take a deep breath because I don't think this is really something to battle with your kids over.

I don't see in here where your son was rude or impolite. Why are you making him be a part of his sister's party? No boy wants to be a part of his sister's party. You are setting him up to be in your eyes rude when all he is doing is being a boy.

If I have an at home party I always make sure the sibs either have a friend or another place to go. All you are doing by forcing him to stay is forcing him to entertain himself by being a nuisance to his sister and her friends. Then I suppose you are going to punish him for that?

Kids fight enough on their own why set them up for more fighting and then blame them?

I'm being honest when I say I don't see any of what you described as rude or impolite.

To me... the definition of being rude is attacking someone with words/ tone/ actions instead of your body. So, to me, very little of the above is rude. (The disregarding requests to stop anything... aka 'Stop touching me' and still touching someone is rude... but nothing else is.

Why?

Daughter =

1) Inviting someone whom she feels will already be there is a way of maintaining control (if he's going to come, I'd rather invite him and avoid the awkwardness of him just showing up) OR is BEING polite (not wanting him left out), OR BEING polite in offering to invite a friend of her brothers so he can have a friend there and not feel left out. All 3 options that spring to mind are actually VERY considerate of other people, and very unselfish.

2) She was asking you about things / bouncing things off of you... which is seeking guidence. Which is also neither rude nor impolite. Even if she's doing it with a lot of 'face saving' harrumphing... but especially if she's just opening bouncing ideas off of you for your opinion & or thoughts as an adult she trusts and respects (and who, one is assuming, is getting this party up off the ground).

Son =

1) Ditto... bouncing ideas off of an adult he trusts (being elsewhere, inviting a friend), in trying to figure out his role in this party.

2) Trying not to barge into his sister's party &/or trying to work out what his sister & you want.

3) Speaking quietly denotes being unsure of ones self or one's actions most of the time. Either of the idea, or the reception, or of his 'right' to have a voice in the proceedings (Hey, it's sis's party, why should I be planning it? Isn't that, like, overstepping???). Which, again, is being polite in a natural way. Even if the result is annoying.

The only rudeness I'm hearing, again, is his poking his sister after she has said to stop. Which... HONESTLY... may be the male equivelent of "Love you!". He's saying "I'm outta here" on one hand, while poking her with the other is a sibling sorta "hug". Even when being annoying about it, it's still an "I love you".

________

What do I do? Same thing I do if my son walked up and slapped me (or someone else) in the face. Which is what being rude or impolite is akin to.

I don't think this has anything to do with jealousy. I think it's a 12 year old boy who doesn't wan to be bored around a bunch of his sisters friends (even if family will be there). Can you blame him?

Here's my take, your DD was actually being considerate of her brother by inviting a friend of his to her party so that he could have someone to hang with. Kudo's to her!

When parties are planned in my house the birthday child get's to invite their friends. Then one or two other children are invited (sometimes more) to come along so the siblings also have some one to interact with. Since my kids are expected to attend each other's birthday parties, I find it only fair that it isn't a total bore for them.

It's not uncommon to see a bunch of older teens at a 5 year olds party, or a few pre-teens thrown in the bunch either. I mean my oldest is 21, then they are 20, 20, 18, 11, 8, 6 and 2. It actually works out great and the parties are always fun for all involved.

The 'tapping' sounds an awful lot like 'snake bites' in my house. It's a big thing with the boys and it does hurt. My 20 year old did it to me one day. Sibling annoyance is a part of growing up, and sometimes the best thing to do as a parent is to stay out of it and let them work it out on their own.

100% normal. Welcome to PreTeen World!

I just posted on FB earlier this week that I went shopping w/ my 16 & 25 yo sons. The entire time was spent punching, tapping, hip checking, baby shoves (usually into women's clothing)....all while insulting, slamming, slurring, & more. We're to the point where it's freakin' hilarious.....simply because I respond with humor & Drama Queen remarks.

& that's how I handle mutual rudeness btwn my sons, their cousins, & their friends. Humor. Make them see how ridiculous they're acting! This all began when my sis & I would bicker....& my Mom would make us KISS. OMG, we dreaded her getting involved!

Just this week, with my daycare kids, I had siblings fighting over the crayons. I told them if they couldn't get along, then I would make them kiss (with a huge smile on my face). They are 3 & 5, & they were grossed out.....& then the 3 yo boy got a very, very well-defined smirk on his face....& he leaned over & kissed his sister on the cheek. He laughed, & she (without thinking) pulled a punch on him....& then she gasped, turned to me, & said, "I didn't hit him". OMG....too freakin' funny!

Sooo, relax, & when you can't hear him speak....stoke up the drama & let him know what you expect. Follow thru with hugs/etc...& life will be easier. :)

I think little bro just needs some male support with a house full of 13 year old girls--nothing wrong with that. And if tapping is the worst thing he does to his sister, count yourselves lucky!

Am I detecting a bit of jealousy about the birthday party? My children sometimes acted that way when the birthday child wasn't THEM. I also recall that, um, my sister and I sometimes acted that way, too. Of course, that was LONG ago....

I don't know how old your children are, but evidently they're old enough to talk to about attitudes. "Jack, this is Mandy's birthday coming up. You'll be having your birthday in November. There will be some focus on Mandy as we get her party planned for the weekend. You can choose one of two things: You can be friendly and polite and really help make her party a happy one, or you can be friendly and polite and retire to your room to do your homework while the planning is going on. Those are your only two choices. Teasing, harassing, and talking back will get you extra jobs to do here at home, and you won't be inviting your friends over at all. You like to be the special person in the house sometimes, so you need to do what you can to let Mandy be the special person this weekend. Let me know what you choose to do by the end of the day, because if you choose to help I'm going to need you for some special things."

Set the standard of behavior and hold your son to it. Commend him when he starts going in the right direction. He's an important person if he can be a helper and if you depend on him to do things.

Maybe you can find A BIRTHDAY FOR FRANCES, by Russell and Lillian Hoban, in your library. It's written for much younger kids, but older kids will listen if it's read aloud.

As far as extra guests are concerned, is it the custom in your neighborhood that when one child is invited to a party, the invitee's siblings tag along? That isn't the way it's usually done around here, that I've ever heard of. The child invited is the child invited. Sometimes the birthday child's siblings are allowed to invite one friend (each) to the party, in addition to the other guests.

The speaking up is part of his personality. Be patient with it rather than considering it rudeness.

The "tapping" is something you need to give him a consequence for. "Hands to ourselves" between brother and sister needs to be your motto. Make him do a chore that he doesn't like everytime he does it. He'll quit pretty soon.

For the party, tell him that he may NOT bring a friend, and he may not leave the party. If your daughter doesn't want the boy to be invited and if it is a problem with your "count", don't invite him.

There are people who show up at parties with siblings. THEY are the rude ones for assuming that they can do that without asking. If he shows up with the mom, there's nothing you can do.

Good luck at the party.
Dawn

Sorry to tell you but it sounds like normal sibling behavior. My son sometimes has a hard time keeping his hands off his sister he does the tapping too, I think they just do it to annoy. One time he kept doing it so much to her, she hauled off and hit him! I heard a loud cry and I thought it was my daughter crying, because he likes to frusterate her to the point of crying too! I know it weas wrong of her to hit him and we discussed that I get you on the irritation! I know my son purposely annoys my daughter and I know alot of the time she over exagerates. Oh and the talking too softly mine both do it! I am always telling them they need to speak up to be heard I just have to continually remind them. Sometimes when they cant get along I take things away or have them go to their rooms. And as for the bday, alot of times I do let each one invite a friend to the others bday party. Is it an all girls party? If it is maybe you should let him go do something else. No need to have him there if he REALLY doesnt want to be,especially if he is just going to be unhappy. You can always have a seperate immediate family celebration. Good luck to you!

Let me ask you this: Do you truly expect your children to automatically know what's polite and proper etiquette when it comes to social situations and parties? They're only 12 and 13, so the conversation you had with them where they were asking questions and letting you know what they wanted or hoped or were suggesting and you responding and explaining was part of the learning process. The conversation and ideas themselves were not rude... any follow through now that your son knows he shouldn't just invite his friend over if your daughter isn't allowed to invite him for the sake of her brother would be rude.

As for the tapping and whatnot, that's typical sibling stuff. They're still learning boundaries. These sorts of things are how we learn about what's appropriate and what's not in society... we test it out on our siblings first. We push the limits with our siblings. If he's actually hurting her, give her permission to slap his hand or twist his fingers or something. If she hurts him back, aka a natural consequence of hurting Iher, he might think twice about doing it again.

And telling him to speak up. I have to tell my nearly-12 year old to speak up all the time. All. The. Time. She honestly doesn't realize when she's not speaking loudly enough. In the car. In the living room. In the kitchen. Yet there are times she's so loud she hurts my ears. She doesn't have that self-awareness yet about her voice and how it sounds to other people. She thinks that as long as SHE can hear herself, everyone else must be able to. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that your son thinks the same way.

"Siblings without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish. Good stuff for getting through those petty squabbles.

I'm on board with most of the rest of the responses.

Sorry. I agree with Laura.

I'm not seeing anything here that is rude or impolite. Yes, your son should keep his hands to himself, but that's just what siblings to - annoy each other!

And I don't see anything wrong with him either leaving while she has HER party or being able to have his friend over to hang with during the party.

I need the kids' ages before I can give you an appropriate response.

What ages are we talking about?

I would have not included him in the conversation (excused him from the conversation) since he was not contributing and mumbelling.

Seems like the boy enjoys yanking everyone's chain.