I've posted on here before about my DD, who will be 4 in August and is still highly resistant to potty training. I"m still open to trying to go cold turkey and am just trying to figure out a few days in our schedule when it will be best for us. I know a lot of folks have already suggested that she'll train when she is ready but she really seems to be digging her heels in and I'm trying really hard not to come across like I am pressuring her. No small incentives, like M&Ms and stickers, have gotten her to be willing to even sit on the potty. She does not care about the underpants - just putting underpants on her and no diaper causes her to have screaming fit like we are killing her. She's never had a bad experience on the potty but claims she doesn't like it and she's scared of it. I've been trying to come up with a better incentive (like watching SpongeBob SquarePants, which I can't stand, but she loves it, or getting her toe nails painted) but it's not making any difference. A friend of mine was able to finally get her son to start pooping on the potty by telling him he couldn't play the Wii until he made up his mind to do it, and that worked for them (she said he was peeing fine and just being stubborn about the poop, and he is 4.5). This is what made me think of some bigger reward but so far the conversations go like this:
DD: "I want to watch SpongeBob!"
Me; "You can watch SpongeBob when you decide to go poop and pee on the potty."
DD: "No, I don't like the potty!"
Me: "Then no SpongeBob!"
DD: "But I love SpongeBob, I want to watch, please?"
Me: "Not unless you use the potty."
DD: "No, I want to watch SpongeBob!"
Me: "I understand you want to watch SpongeBob but I've already told you you have to go potty first!"
DD: "NO!"
Me: "Fine - then no SpongeBob!"
And...repeat, until I tell her I am done having this conversation. I almost feel like she doesn't seem to understand that in order to get A she needs to do B, so I'm wondering if this is a limitation of her age, or is she just being stubborn and I haven't found the right "currency" yet? I have told her that when she turns 4, if she wants to keep going to school, she will need to be going potty and no longer wearing diapers (she does go to preschool now wearing a pull-up, about half the kids in the class do, and while officially they are not supposed to, the teacher lets it slide and it has not been an issue). I have repeated this many times and I just don't know if or when it's going to sink in. She loves school so I am hoping this will finally be the incentive that she needs.
But then last night, when I asked her about going on the potty (and I don't ask her all the time, I just try to bring it up every few days), she said she couldn't because she was "not big enough". This is the first time she's given a reason for not doing it beyond just she doesn't like it. I told her she was plenty big enough, all she has to do is sit on the little potty (she doesn't want to do the big potty with the adapter seat). She insisted that she was not big enough and could not do it. I told her that all her friends are the same size and same age she is and they are all going on the potty, but she still kept saying she was not big enough yet and she needed to be big like me.
Is this her way of saying she's not ready? Because knowing her personality, sometimes I suspect that she's a bit of a perfectionist, and she tends to get frustrated when something doesn't go right for her the first time right away. So I am wondering if she's so afraid of making a mistake (despite our repeated reassurances that it's okay to make mistakes and it just takes practice) and overwhelmed by the idea of taking this next step that she doesn't even want to try. I'm just so worried that something we are doing or saying is making it worse and causing the whole process to backfire. It's just so hard to know what is really going through her little head. Has anyone ever had to call in a professional to help their child get potty trained? Should I be talking to her pediatrician about this? Does anyone have any suggestions as to what we can say to her or do differently?
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for suggestions that people have posted so far to my previous queries. Like I said, I am thinking that the next step is just to let her go bare bottom when I am able to stay home a few days with her (have tried that before too, but without any luck) but anything else that anyone can recommend is much appreciated.
JUST ADDING: She just has little potty chairs, so that eliminates the "fear of the big toilet" issue. And there is nothing new in the house or any changes, like a new baby or anything like that. No siblings either. It's getting over this hump of just trying to start in the first place that seems to be the issue - she doesn't even want to sit on it! Interestingly though, the sound of the toilet flushing does not bother her at all - she loves to flush it herself after I am done!
@Dawn - no, it's just the undies, she's never made a big deal about anything else, like socks or certain fabrics, and nothing else that I would think could be sensory issue, but I have thought about that, so I will discuss it with the pediatrician if we don't make any headway over the summer. Sometimes I've wondered if it's a security thing with the diapers, and her not liking change, since getting her to give up the pacifier and getting her out of the crib and sleeping in a big girl bed were challenging too (but we did it!).
Eh, I'd put her in undies and let her scream. She'll get over it ,adn if she has an accident I'd toss her a rag and have her clean it up, and then change her clothe and rinse out the wet ones. if she poops, make her dump it in the toilet. Don't get worked up, dont' make it a game, just be matter of fact 'you peed, wipe it up and go change' and walk away.
If she takes the undies off, let her go naked. ANd again if she has an accident make her clean it. She will soon realize that you mean business and she no longer holds the control. This spongebob thing is ridiculous, its a game ot her, how long can I make mom go round and round and I still win. She really doesn't care about spongebob, she's taking the focus off the task at hand.
She's 3.5, she knows what she's doing. Put her in underwear and deal with it, both of you. make her clean herself and the mess up, and be matter of fact, show no emotion, no arguing and going around and around like the spongebob issue you posted above, just 'you peed, wipe it up and go change' and walk away, no talking talking talking! She's 3.5, she's smart and she knows what she is dong, you just have to take the control back.
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V.W.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
Will she even SIT on a potty chair? Not trying to do anything, but just sit there. Will she agree to do that?
If so, maybe you could compromise with the Sponge Bob thing. Feed her lunch and LOTS to drink. Then, maybe 10-15 minutes later, offer her an opportunity to watch SpongeBob with the understanding that she only watches it while sitting on the potty chair. (Do you have a free standing one?)
As long as she sits bare bottomed, she gets to enjoy watching SB. When she doesn't want to sit any longer (no big deal) then SB is turned off immediately. You both get what you want at the same time. The potty seat becomes the on/off switch to SB.
Also, I'm assuming you've read books with her about using the potty... does she have a supply of books for HER to read while sitting on the "throne"? I actually have a photo of my son at age 2.5 sitting on the toilet with a book on his lap happily reading away... For some kids, having special potty books that they only have access to while sitting on the potty is helpful.
And here's another thought... if you think she might be concerned about making a mistake or doing it "wrong" b/c of her perfectionistic tendencies. Have you discussed what would happen if she made a mistake or a mess? Seriously, I mean the details of it... tell her the procedure to clean it up (of course down play it), show her where the stuff she needs is (or even fill a container and set it in the bathroom right by the toilet) and tell her that she can try it completely on her own if she wants. No audience. If she makes a mistake, here's what you do with the clothes, the washrag, etc etc. No need to be embarrassed and having to tell anyone if things get messy. You can handle it! No one else has to know anything about it.
Just a thought.
oh... and if you do get her to sit on the toilet in the bathroom (or the potty chair in there), turn on the faucet. The sound of running water can often help with the release of urine, and if she is embarrassed at all about the noises her body makes they will be muffled as well.
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D.P.
answers from
Seattle
on
I was going to suggest exactly what Victoria said. "Of course you can watch SpongeBob, while you are sitting on the potty". And tell her how you can help her clean up an accident.
It sounds like as soon as she gets the hang of it, she'll be "done" training in a flash.
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M.C.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
You could try what we did with our son. I talked with the local camp place who requires children to be potty trained to attend a week of camp. they agreed to let my son attend but if he were to have an accident he would be sent home. Now we new he could hold his pee and go because he had done it before just wouldn't follow through and keep it up. One day it took one day of being sent home and voila no more accidents. He really, REALLY liked camp but when they sent him home for peeing his pants things clicked. Just a thought
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D.B.
answers from
Charlotte
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C.C.
answers from
Boston
on
All I can say is my daughter will be 4 in April and we have been "potty training" her since she was 2... I feel your pain. My daughter still will NEVER tell me when she has to go. She will sit on the floor and pee in her pants rather then just say ok I'll go to the potty... OMG it is extremely frusterating I feel like I also have tried just about everything by now.. And she is very very smart. Her preschool teacher said she is exceeding everyone in her class.. So why is this so hard for her to comprehend??? I don't know I am having another appointment with our pedi about this on her 4th birthday. All I can tell you is you are not alone :) And I hope your daughter and my daughter both will very soon be peeing and pooping on the potty ALL THE TIME :)
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S.H.
answers from
Honolulu
on
Have you, at home, just left her naked on the bottom? And put a potty chair nearby?
That is what we did with our son.
Then he got used to it.
Left him naked on the bottom too.
On his own, he then started to sit on it.
No pressure.
And yes, "perfectionist" kids... do get like that.
Then they get stressed. Whether or not you stress them about it.
They don't want to make a mistake.
My daughter was like that, but about school work.
But as she grew up, she got more relaxed about things.
Have you tried, just not saying anything to her?
Just leave her naked on the bottom with a potty chair nearby.
Keeping in mind as a parent, that mistakes/accidents will happen.
Also, the mind/body may not be attuned, yet.
Sure they can think it in their heads.. but not that they can do it.
And then there is biological maturity and knowing their body's cues...
Or, does your Daughter have a sibling or is there a new baby in the house?
Use a potty chair with her, not a toilet.
Some kids, many kids, ARE 'afraid' of a toilet.
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C.M.
answers from
Detroit
on
I had a stubborn one too. She finally trained in ONE DAY when she was 3 1/2. We went cold turkey. I did find out later that she was afraid of the noise the toilet made more than anything. She is 27 now and still flushes and runs! LOL! I would try the bare-bottom thing at this point. Like you said, stay home for a few days with her and be ready with lots of paper towels etc.It sounds like she is way past ready and she is messing with you! Good luck!
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M.P.
answers from
Provo
on
First I would get your teacher in on helping her go potty. If she has no reason to truly be potty trained, then she's not going to get the point that she needs to start going on the potty.
I know all girls loves princesses and wants to be one (well almost all) but I've seen a princess potty. . . do you think this might help to get her to want to even sit down on the potty??
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3394661
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M.F.
answers from
Youngstown
on
My son was 3.5 when he was potty trained. He started preschool in a diaper and his teacher asked why I put him in a diaper because he tells her he has to go and goes when the class goes so could I put him in underpants so he can pull his own pants up. He was a closet potty trainer lol. With me it was a control thing I wanted him to do something and he refused no matter what. Chuck E Cheese couldn't convince him. Maybe it is a control thing with you too? I would lay off and make a big deal about what a big girl she is always maybe then she will go on the pot,
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C.Z.
answers from
Omaha
on
When my oldest was two, I wanted her to give up her pacifier. She absolutely did not want anything to do with that. She also wanted a cabbage patch baby. I told her those babies were for "big girls" and that big girls don't use paci's. One night shortly after that, she was bathed and in jammies and she said to me that she wanted to throw her paci's away and be a big girl. I seized the moment, put her in her carseat and off to Toy's R Us we went.
I think it is a control issue. Take away the things that she likes that are for big girls...not in a mean way, but in a very calm, assured way. Tell her that those things are for big girls and when she decides she wants to be one, that she will get them back. Also, trips to the store, zoo, all those things are for big kids. My guess is she will be potty trained before you know it! Good luck!
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J.E.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
If it were me, I dont think I could be as nice as you are. I would try, and end up taking away or not buying any diaper or pull up, put her in panties & nice clothes & tell her to keep clean, do the potty and thats it. She wants to cry, fine, wet, well sit in the wet or clean it yourself... I remember this with my oldest & my foster mom asking me if I didnt think she'd be trained by the time she graduates.. (sarcasm) and told me to stop worrying... but it wasnt that easy, and I made her wear normal training pants that leaked.. My step son once announced "she's leaking!" ... Im not looking forward to more toilet training coming up!!! good luck with whatever you do :)
