Hi: I need some advice. My best friend has been with a guy now for about 9 months and he started out being shy and just stand offish. She kept making excuses about him being shy and she has shared a lot about him lately to me that he has lied to her about big stuff and he is extremly controlling. Her whole family feels she should get out of the relationship but, she has fallen in love with him. I actually feel its more in lust but, who am I to say thats what it is. She asks for my opinion a lot and I just keep saying as long as you are happy that is all that matters. I see her and she seems happy but, then every other day something new comes up about him that is so off. She fight with him and takes him back. I take the calls and try to be there to listen but, Im getting fed up. Should I tell her how I honestly feel. I dont think he is right for her at all. He has to many red flags. Or do I continue to say as long you are happy thats all that matters. I have been friends with her for 8 years. I dont want to lie anymore but, also dont want to hurt her. I have been in a controlling marriage and he has all the signs. HELP!!
I just want to thank all of you for the advice and Im going to tell her the truth. The next time she asks or she calls me to complain about him doing something wrong I will tell her exactly what she needs to hear. You are all right about being honest. I was in a marriage for 10 years and emotionally abused and everyone seen it and never told me and when I asked them why they said you never would have believed our opinion but, now I realize either way honesty is the best policy. Thanks so much for the support.xoo
Hello. I have been in the same situation before. It's really hard. I found out that I had to tell her the truth. She was more upset that I had lied to her by not telling her how I felt. She eventually dumped him and is now with someone really nice. My advice is to tell her. She may get mad, but if she is a real good friend its better than seeing something bad happen to her.
Have you ever heard that honesty is the best policy. Well it's time for that. She may have a fall out period of time with you, but if you really care about your friendship tell her the truth. If she really cares about your friendship she will listen. This doesn't mean she will accept what you say, but at least you have everything out in the open. If this guy is truly what you say he is, she will eventually find that out and just maybe even thank you later. Good Luck!
Very touchy subject. Instead of giving her your opinion, you may want to ask her obvious questions to hint to her what's really going on. Even making up a story about a another woman you know going through the same thing and the terrible outcome that happened will just keep her thinking about her own situation. I've opened my big mouth and told friends, "the truth" about things and have lost many of them. Some women don't want the truth. She'll walk away when she's ready and not when you want her too. Just be supportive but don't listen to her everyday! Sometimes you're "busy" with house work, the kids or you're just not home when she calls...hint hint.
This is a very delicate situation. You don't want your friend to resent you for telling her the truth but you don't want her to be in the controlling relationship. I would approach it cautiously. You need to let her know that you are her friend and that her decision won't affect that but you are noticing some signs that worry you. It may be something that once someone points it out, she'll realize. If she doesn't respond, or continues to defend him, I would drop the issue for a while. Trust her to make her own decision. Good luck
Hi J.-
Well in my own personal experience I learned that my friend would have wanted me to tell her the truth in the first place. I also did not want to hurt her by telling her that Mr. Right was in fact Mr. Wrong. She was also in love with him but after talking to her about Mr. Wrong she realized what he was doing to her. The truth hurts sometimes but if you really care for her you must tell her the truth. She maybe mad at first but hopefully you will help her see what is really going on in her relationship.
My mom was married to my dad for 28 years before anyone told her the truth about him and what he was doing to her, my siblings, and me. Even her own kids did not have the strength to say something.
I feel you will have lifted a huge weight off yourself once you tell her the truth.
Best of Luck!
B. L.
Good morning, J.. This is definitely a difficult situation, but if you are really her friend you will tell her how you feel. You will not be hurting her. You will be helping her. You cannot continue to say as long as you are happy, because obviously she is not, or she may just THINK she is and may be afraid to break up with him due to a sense of failure or she may actually be afraid of him. I was once in a controlling marriage as well and all it does is create resentment. And takes your confidence away. Unfortunately, your friend may not be happy with what you say, but in the end she will realize you only care about her. It's like when you discipline your children or take things away and they are sad, but when they grow up they will appreciate what you have done for them. In addition to all of this, you need to also look out for yourself. Being there all the time when your advice is not being taken, can really bring you down. And you don't want that to happen considering you have school and two children that need you to be 100%. Take care. Good luck! K.
tell her the truth, but stay friends with her regardless of her choice. support her if she wants to break up with him. women have good instincts, but when you are the one in the bad relationship it is hard to see the truth. having to make excuses for any man is a bad sign.
Dear J.,
I was in a very similar situation of being the best friend to someone in a controlling relationship. The bottom line is this, controlling boyfriends make even more controlling husbands and even worse as exhusbands. He is vicious and the courts DO NOT care. Currently they have joint custody of their two children. The only way they communicate is through a journal (he is still mean and condesending with the written word as well) or during a mediating session with a state counselor at $85 per hour per person. She still can't speak to him because he twists things around and accuses her of things that didn't happen. He used to drill her for hours about all of her previous relationships and they met when they were 20. I have always been supportive of her even though I wondered why they got married in the first place. (My husband can't stand him either nor do her parents like him. He is a jerk.) She now wonders why she ever married him even though she loves her two kids unconditionally. He never hit her but she was physically afraid of him. He is a big man and he manipulated her in every aspect...she had to wash the dishes a certain way. UGH!!! This lifesyle didn't happen right away but it trickled in over the years. I don't think she was aware of it most of the time. She lost the majority of her friends because they all hated him. Life for her is still hard since the divorce 3 years ago and $30,000 in Divorce Lawyer fees. These are some of the things your friend can look forward to if they get married. By the way, my friend is a beautiful doctor and her ex is a doctor too. Bad relationships happen to the best of people. It is painful to watch but I love her and glad that we are still friends. There is no answer how to handle this situation. Maybe you could just forward her all the feedback you get from asking the quesion and sharing with her your concerns. Best of luck, L.
J., you need to talk to her and explain how you see things. She may be angry with you and may say hurtful things but remember, she will not forget what you said. I was in an abusive relationship for years and wish to this day my family and friends would have talked to me. I would have had the support I needed to leave him if I knew I wasnt at fault. If you feel he is being abusive and controlling is abusive, then I suggest you try to get a councelor involved, a priest or pastor would be a good idea also. Good luck to you and your best friend!
I know you've decided to tell her and I think that's a great idea. I just wanted to pass along my own personal experience for reference.
I just returned from a wedding this weekend for one of my dearest and closest friends. I have known her for 22 years. This was her second wedding and I was there for the first one. Her first marriage was a disaster. Her ex cheated on her multiple times, didn't work, was demanding, insulting and basically made her life hell.
One week before the first wedding, 12 years ago, he called it off. My initial response had been to tell her that it was for the best. But I kept my mouth shut because she was so "in love" and knew it was just cold feet and I didn't want to lose her friendship. So, I not only kept my mouth shut about my true feelings, but I stayed up all night with her and the ex helping her to convince the jerk that it was just cold feet. I have regretted that for 12 years.
She has just married a wonderful man, but I was completely prepared to tell her the truth if I didn't think it was a good idea, regardless of her response. I was not going to make the same mistake.
Tell her that you are worried about her. Tell her about your experience and that you see similarities with her boyfriend. But stress no matter what she decides, only she knows in her heart what is right and you will be her friend no matter what. And then, no matter how hard it may be if she doesn't dump him, continue to support her. Even if it means telling her at some point that you can't hear any more complaints about him.
Good luck.
Ask her to count the red flags...then ask her if she wants your help counting those red flags..
for a relationship to be at the 9 months point, it is kind of a decision motnh for some...
gently tell her your concerns, but also tell her you are there for her in anyway she needs you.
J., you are doing the right thing by telling her what you think. There is always the risk that she may not listen or take offense (e.g., I can complain about my family but don't want to hear it if you do the same), but I believe it's all in how you approach her without appearing to be judgemental. Especially important if you remind her that you support her no matter what and value her friendship. Her self esteem is probably pretty low, so remind her of all the ways in which she's a great person. When I was in a similar situation, I asked my friend pointed questions to lead her to what I wanted her to see re: her unhappiness. Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes.
