What Could Have Happen???

On April 16, 2000, my world fell apart when the doctor said to me, "I am sorry. There is no heartbeat. Your baby has died." I was 30 weeks pregnant. Three days later, on the 19th of April, at 7:45 a.m., my baby daughter was silently born into this world. She died as a result of nuchal cord - the umbilical cord was tightly bound 4 times around her neck. It was also too short and had to be cut in order to deliver her. She was our first baby. I had heard of stillbirth, but it never occurred to me that it could happen to me.

To make matters worse, I was living in a foreign country and couldn't speak the language, so hadn't any friends and couldn't get counseling. And to top it all off, we moved just 10 days later. Now I really knew nobody and felt so lonely and lost. The whole world just kept going and nobody stopped. I couldn't believe people could keep living when my baby had died. And, it seemed, *every* woman was pregnant - and happy. Unknowingly happy.

One woman in our new church felt really sorry for me. She had a son that was only 4 weeks old, but wanted desperately to be my friend. She kept reaching out, kept calling me, kept inviting me places, even when I answered her "No" more often than not. She tried to hide her son from me, thinking that the sight of him would make my pain even greater. She was right, and I appreciated her efforts. I appreciated ALL of her efforts, but most of all that she never gave up on me. You see, it was too hard for me to reach out. I just couldn't do it.

I appreciated it when people mentioned my daughter. Asked her name, how much she weighed, how long she was. Asked me how the birth was. Just like any other new mother would like to tell. I appreciated it when my new friend said, "Are you feeling sad about your baby today? Do you want some company? Would you like a visit?" Just came right out and mentioned my child, because most people never did. She was gone, forgotten.

Stillborn babies are often forgotten by everyone but the parents. Nobody had a relationship to the child themselves, apart from the mother, and possibly the father. And nobody knows how it feels unless they have also delivered a stillborn baby.

How can you help her?
- Be there. Reach out to her, time and time again. My friend never gave up. She kept calling me, month after month after month. Time alone may not be what she needs, but time with good friends who will let her be herself, let her cry.

- Ask her about her child, gently. Not everyone wants to talk about their baby, but some do. Those who do often don't bring the baby up knowing that it is awkward for others, but all they have of their children are memories, maybe some photos and/or footprints/handprints. They can't tell cute stories about what their 3 month old is doing, they can only repeat the same thing over and over - and often they want to do that.

- Do NOT say, "I know how you feel". You don't. And hopefully, you never will.

- Write down the baby's birthday and send her a text message or card next year for the baby's first birthday, telling your friend you are thinking about her on Baby's 1st Birthday. I can guarantee you it will mean a lot. Only my mother and one sister remembered my daughter's first birthday, besides me and my husband, plus another friend I had gotten who had also lost her child to stillbirth. Now, almost 9 years later, it is only that one friend who also lost a child who ever says anything on April 19. She always takes flowers out to the cemetery every year and gives me a card or tiny gift to let me know she is thinking of me. It is a terribly hard day, especially the first year.

- If you are unsure how much to say or ask, tell your friend that. Tell her you understand that this is hard and that you don't know what the right thing to do is. Be honest and let her set the limits.

- Use the baby's name! Tell her you are sorry that "Angela" died. Ask her if she would like to talk about "Jacob".

- DON'T tell her she can always have another baby. NO baby will ever replace the one she lost. She will remember and grieve for that child until the day she dies.

- DON'T tell her it was God's will, or that it was for the best. That is not comforting at all when you have buried a much-longed for baby. It hurts very much, in fact.

www.stillnomore.org is the National Stillbirth Society website. A Google search on stillbirth will give you many websites where you can read and learn about stillbirth. You will likely never experience a stillbirth yourself, maybe not even a miscarriage (also painful, but not the same - I've had two of those as well). But it is good to be informed.

There can be any number of reasons to explain what went wrong in your friend's pregnancy, or no reason at all. That is one of the saddest and hardest things; very often there is no explanation as to why the baby died. That is called SADS - Sudden Antenatal Death Syndrome, and more babies die from SADS than from SIDS each year.

Give your friend a hug and tell her how sorry you are. And as for yourself and your husband, best wishes on a safe and healthy pregnancy. It is scary to realise that pregnancy doesn't always have a happy ending, but most of the time, it does. Keep that in mind.

S., always mamma to Kayla Colleen, stillborn 19 April 2000
and Clara-Grace, born 28 July 2001
and Ingeborg-Nuki, born 16 October 2008

A.,

She is going through a really hard time right now. To carry a baby that long and lose it, is devastating. All you can really do is just be there when she needs to talk IF she wants to talk about it. There are so many things that could have happen. I was 9 months along and two weeks after my due date I lost my first born. Reasons were that the baby was stressed and had pooped in its fluids its called Meconium. The baby gets really sick and can recover if they catch it in time but they didn't in my case we didn’t know till it was way to late. We can explain it or why things happen we just have to trust in God. Maybe the baby was going to be sick after the birth we will never know. But you can not let this scare you into thinking you might lose yours when a time comes for you to have a lil one of your own. My son would have been 18 yrs old on Feb 5th. There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of him or what he would be like. I just thank God for the three I have with me. For your friend she will be ok she needs to grieve. People do it in different ways, some like to be around people where others want to be left alone. We may never know why things happen; we just have to try to understand. If she continues to distances herself from everyone I would ask her to go see a doctor about depression. If she stays in bed and doesn’t get out but to use the restroom or to eat something if that then more than likely she is very depressed and needs to see someone about it and talk to them as well. As far as needing advice on what happen the only one that can really tell you anything would be the doctors who did the delivery they are required to do cultures on the baby after the birth as well as cultures on the sac that carried the baby. They don't just say it happens and leave it at that they usually do test to find a reason if there is one to explain it. I pray that you and your friend will find peace during this time.

T.

Hi A.. Good for you for trying to get advice from others. I also lost a son, 6 years ago, and when he died, I cut off all communication with everyone for a long time. I can't really say exactly why, but I remember hearing the phone ring and looking at the caller ID and never answering it. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. The only people I talked to was my husband and my mom. That was it. It probably lasted about 3-4, maybe even 5 months. My best advice to you is this: Just give her room. Let her know you are there for her if she feels the need, and that you will wait as long as it takes. This is something that she will never "get over"...you just learn to get "through" it. Just send her a card maybe every two weeks or so, just so she knows you still care and you're still there for her. Also, is she local to the DFW area? If so, you need to tell her about MEND--Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death (www.mend.org). She actually may already know about it if she had an obituary listed in the newspaper.... Anyway, I have been very involved with this group since my son died and I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through that time without it. She will get to a point (maybe) where she might want to talk with other moms and dads who have gone through a similar experience. Then again, she may never want to do that, but it helped me tremendously. Also, on our website, there is a section of newsletters. If you have time, just read through some of those. It may help you to understand what she is going through to be able to read others' stories. Just a thought.
She has a good friend in you.
If you have any other questions, pleast just let me know. I'm happy to help in any way I can.
~B.
____@____.com

This happened to me at 38 weeks. It is very normal for your friend to withdraw from everyone. Just know that every phone call, e-mail and card do mean a whole lot. I never called or e-mailed anyone back even, but still the same, it made me feel good that they were there for me. I had two very good friends... that if I didn't answer the phone, they would come beat at my door! They would call me every single day and invite me to do whatever they were doing or to just come over and be with me. I was at home during the day because I already had a two-year old to take care of. For a whole lot of stillbirths, there is no explanation. It's been about 18 months for me now and I'm starting to get back to normal... kind of... As far as advice for you... just be aware of your baby always... and at about 6 months when you feel the baby kicking very regular, do "kick counts" at least three times a day. Usually, your doctor only asks you to do this if you have fallen or something. You can find charts on-line. A helpful website to help your friend or you to look at is www.stillnomore.org ; click on "why kicks count" for a kick counting chart. Good Luck.

More than likely it was probably a "cord accident". Send your friend a card to let her know you are thinking of her. There is a non profit organization that I just learned about MEND (mothers experiencing neonatal death) that could be a great help and support for her and they are here in the Dallas area. My prayers go out to her.

Hi A.. I lost a baby at 5 months. I had a perfectly healthy daughter previously and a healthy son after. With my son I lost, I found I have Factor V Leiden which is a genetic disorder that causes my blood to clot more than normal and it seems a clot may have formed in his umbilical cord. I'm lucky I found out since I had to take blood thinner shots with my second son and he turned out fine. I imagine there are other things that could go wrong- placental abruption is one. This is when the placenta starts to pull away from the uterine wall which causes internal bleeding for the mom and some problems for the baby as well. I hope she can find out what happened since that might help her heal. As far as to what you can do, you let her know that you are there for her if she needs to talk. When we lost our son, my family still to this day doesn't mention him. It's like he didn't exist and that really makes me mad because HE DID! Your friend will one day need to talk about her baby and know that her baby did exist and has a right to be grieved. Also, as in my case, it is possible to have a baby after losing one in the second trimester and beyond. Also, there are some good yahoo groups that she might want to someday join and chat about her baby. One is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/angelbabies3/ These ladies helped me a lot. Much love to your friend.

I just wanted to add to all the great suggestions you've got here by suggesting that when you talk to her or send her a card DO NOT say that you understand how sad she feels.

Miscarriages are not the same thing, but I had several and it really bothered me when people told me they understood my sadness. Especially if they'd never been in a similar situation.... maybe it was just me, but I was angry and upset with people when they'd say that and they were just trying to be comforting.

So just tell her you're there for her, whatever she needs and follow through on that promise when she finally asks.

Losing a child is very painful and usually involves a lot of guilt and anger, once the devestation and sorrow passes. She does need some space to process this, but I would not leave her alone completely. Do what you can to comfort her from afar (send encouraging cards periodically to let her know you are there or maybe stop by just to check in with her- if she lets you sit with her, quietly). When she is ready to talk, just listen; do not try to explain, say you understand, etc. Just tell her you are there, you love her, and you will do what you can to help her get through this. Also, pray; God is the ultimate healer of hearts and only He can truly restore the pieces that have been broken. As far as your own desire to become pregnant, try not to let it interfere. This is not going to happen to you just because it happenned to your friend. There is nothing you can do to control this outcome. Put your faith in God and you will find your peace. I have a 2 1/2 yr old now and there was some fear to begin with, but I eventually was able to have peace about my pregnancy and I have a beautiful healthy little girl. If you are worried about how your friend might respond: If she still has not found some healing, when you become pregnant, give it a little time before you tell her. Do not avoid telling her all together, as this will probably hurt her more. It was very hard for me to see any children after I lost my daughter at six months, but I was eventually able to find joy for other mothers. This is a hurt she will carry with her maybe for the rest of her life, but the pain will lessen and she will be able to breathe again (just don't tell her that right now).

Dear A.,

I too lost 4 babies in less than a year. It was very hard and I went thru depression too. My lasted about a year. Finally after the 4th miscarriage, I realized I had depression. I took antidepressants for about 2 months to get over all of the hormones. It changed my life and I wished I would have taken the anti depressants after my first miscarriage. You might want to recommend this if her depression lasts more than a couple months. She might just need it for a little bit.

I can also tell you that when I had all these miscarriages I know who my true friends are. I used to think I had tens of good friends, but I can tell you I only have a couple. All the others who said they were my friends and never called or stopped by were not my true friends. My two true friends would call all the time about 1 time a week(sometimes I would talk to them - other times I would ignore because I was crying). They also would take me out shopping or to lunch every once in awhile. Maybe once every couple months. Literally they would kidnap me and would not take no for an answer. I truly appreciated that. I needed the break from being sad. Also maybe give her a gift of a petticure, a dinner gift card, or take a casserole by her house. Please stay by her side - she might not talk to you but knowing you are there for her can make all the difference. Karma will come back to you....

How sad. It could be for several reasons. A coworker's daughter lost her baby 1 week before she was due last year. The umbilical cord got wrapped around the baby's neck. I'd like to think, if they knew, the doc would tell her what happened. I was just under 3 months when I had a miscarriage and was utterly devastated - I can't even imagine how your friend is feeling. Since your friend is not up to company right now, you should send a card to let her know you are thinking about her. I don't know her...but she's in my prayers today.

We just lost our baby at 4.5 months- well after what you think of as "standard" for a miscarriage, and some friends lost their baby at nearly delivery, the day after her baby shower. Reality is, we live in a fallen world, and sometimes, bad things happen that we cannot explain. What could have happened? A cord accident, a "bug" like the flu, placental problems, who knows.

What can you do? Keep in contact with her. Bring dinner. Come over and help her clean. Don't offer advice on how she feels, but listen if she is ready to talk about the baby and her loss. Don't let your fear keep you away even if she is trying to pull back. Depression is very real in times like this, and she NEEDS to know you love her and are there when she is ready. Send a card letting her know how sorry you are. Send e-mails with offers of help and company so she knows you are waiting and love her.

I don't know if this helps or not, but it is what has helped us!
A.

A.,

I will say a prayer for your friend to find peace soon. I lost my first baby when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. The umbilical cord got wrapped around the baby. It was one of those freak things. I went through a lot of what could I have done to prevent this. The answer of course was nothing. Let your friend know you are there and you are thinking of her. Its a very tough thing. Good luck with your future pregnancy and enjoy it don't stress about what could happen. Take care of yourself.

Just let her know you are there when she needs you.

My SIL lost a baby at 7 months and it was devastating to them. They distanced themselves as well. I think that is normal.

I cannot imagine going through labor and delivery and knowing what the outcome was going to be.

Best wishes.

It is horrible but it does happen. Sometimes they never even find a cause. You just need to be there for your friend, pray for her and give her time to cope. You can't worry about that happening to you. God gives us every gift in His own time and His own way. Nothing is for sure and anything can happen. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is uncertain, but today is the present........a gift from God, open it, embrace it and love those around you.
Your friend will get better with time, God does everything for a reason, although we might not understand why right now we have to live in faith and know that God never gives us more than we can handle!
I went through a similar situation with my best friend. Her baby passed away in the womb at 7 months gestation and I was still pregnant with 3 months to go. We hurt together and when my delivery time came she embraced my new baby girl with the strength that only God could have provided. We cried together in relief that this baby made it and was alright. Later on I became pregnant again, only to have it end in miscarriage and she along with my husband where holding my hands before they took me in for a DNC. Shortly after, she became pregnant and had her little girl at 26 weeks. We made countless trips back and forth to the big hospital until she got strong enough and big enough to come home. God gave us obstacles, but we hung onto each other and came out stronger than ever. Pray pray pray for your friend and just be there for her. Don't worry about the future, God already has it all figured out.
J.

Dear A.,
We don't know why these things happen. But I can tell you just be there she may try to tell you she don't need you but she does, she don't even know it.But just you being there says a lot. I know I lost a daughter . She turned 40 the day she died. But my friend just being there meant so much.And the Lord ,does she know the Lord that make a big difference. Good luck and God Bless
J. G

How horrible! I would send her a text, email, card, or something just to let her know you are thinking about her and are here for her when ever she is ready to talk about it or anything else. People all grieve in such different ways and she may want to talk about it eventually and never stop or she may get all of her talking done in private with her family and not mention it much afterwards. Let her take the lead in what and how much is said.

If you aren't in the Dallas area, there will more than likely be a group that caters to women and families going through what she is. In the Abilene/San Angelo area there is a group called Born An Angel. You could maybe make a donation in their name to a group like that or suggest that she talk to them. Sometimes it helps to talk to people that know exactly what you are going through and sometimes it is just too much (or can be for me anyway).

Basically just love her, don't judge her or how she grieves, and let her know that you are there for her any time when she is ready.

You don't know what could have happened without really knowing from your friend. There are so many different things that could have gone wrong.

I lost my baby 2 weeks from her due date, and the doctors have been unable to provide an explanation. I don't know if this happened to your friend, but I'm told it does happen on occasion.

Everyone is different, and some people do need time alone when grieving. But a thoughtful sympathy card or a few prepared dinners are always a nice gesture. Most people do not want to broach the subject of loosing their own baby because they don't want to make the other party feel uncomfortable (that's how I am), but she may not mind talking about it, and it may help her in her grief.

You could offer to take her out to lunch or bring lunch over to her place and just let her know that you're there if she wants to talk.

Like I said, there are so many different things that can go wrong in pregnancy. Most pregnancies result in a normal, healthy baby. As long as you take care of yourself and get proper prenatal care, there's really nothing else you can do. These things can happen to anyone, but there is no point in living in fear.

Maybe it was a problem with the Placenta. I lost a baby at 7 months due to my placenta. My placenta went bad therefore it caused a hardship on the baby. I ended up with Preclampsia, was induced but the baby was stillborn by the time I delivered. So many things can go wrong...you just don't hear about it. They told me it was a freak thing. I just delivered at 33wks 9 months ago with the same placenta problem again. I am sure when your friend feels comfortable she will tell you about it. This experience will change her though. It did me anyway. I still think of my little guy daily and it happened nearly 4 yrs. ago.

I lost my daughter Janelle at 38 1/2 weeks. I was in labor at the hospital and had a heartbeat reading when I arrived. The nurse had a hard time keeping her heartbeat and decided the have the midwife but an internal probe. She broke my water and I was ready to push. My daughter was born silent and they dr. tried to get her to breath and get her heart beating but were not unsuccessful. She would now be 2 years old. We really don't know the cause of death. There was a blood clot in the placenta and she was small (5 lbs 8 oz). By all sonograms - one which I had a week before I had her and tests she was developing normally. I changed dr afterwards and her best guess was my daughter grwoth was being restricted in someway probably by the placenta. We did not have an autospy done so dont' for sure. Many babies that die late in pregnancy it is due to a cord accident of some kind. I sought help through MEND. The website is www.mend.org. They have a support group that meets in Irving. It is a very hard road but God is good and always us to heal. I would say just be there to listen to your friend, call her and send her cards letting her know you're thinking of her. I also created a website in memory of my daughter. It helped for me to share her story without having to tell people over and over again. That link is www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/angeljanelle - this is free and very easy to do. One of the most healing things was to create scrapbook. I had someone suggest that I do the book with all the happy moments - pregnancy pictures, how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, pictures of the nursery, etc. I also have pictures of my daughter and other memorablia. I am truly sorry for your friend and I happy that you want to help. I know I had to come to realize that I will not know the "why" or "cause" of my daughter's death in this lifetime.

Hi A.,

I too lost a baby but I was 38 weeks along. They ran all kind of test and they dont know what happened. I went for my appt one morning and they couldnt find the heart beat. When the autopsy was done, they said that he died right before my appt that day. Its a hard thing to go through. The advice I can give you is to just leave her alone but also be there for her if she needs you. As far as for you, dont let what happened to her get in the way of you. I got pregnant six months later and now have a wonderful little girl who is 4 1/2. My deepest sympathy to your friend.

How tragic for your friend! Please keep calling, sending cards, whatever but do not ask her what happened or share your fears with her during her time of grief even though your fears are understandable - her loss is the loss of a child and that is huge....make meals for the family and deliver to her but don't stay unless you are invited - keep the lines of communication open - she will respond eventually....I did - mine was not quite that far along but it was very difficult........and please, do not tell her she can have more as it sounds to the grieving mom like that would be a replacement baby (even though it is not meant that way) or that it was Gods' will as if she was anything like me, she knows that but it is the last thing she wants to hear that God didn't want that baby to be born to her.......you are a great friend and she needs that......

I know you want to help, but she needs some time. I miscarried a baby much earlier than she did, but I didn't want to talk about it with anyone except my mom and my husband and still don't and that was almost 2 years ago. Everyone is scared something might happen to the baby when you are pregnant, but there is nothing you can do besides take good care of yourself and pray for the best. I'm not going to say don't worry about it when you get pregnant because you will ,but that is just another part of pregnancy. Good luck!!

from http://www.celiac.nih.gov/ReproductiveProblems.aspx

Celiac Disease and Reproductive Problems
When Alice Bast was pregnant with her second child, she felt well until the end of her second trimester. But then she was suddenly struck with unrelenting, severe diarrhea. Her obstetrician assured her there was nothing to worry about. Two weeks before her due date, she complained to her doctor that her diarrhea continued unabated and the baby was hardly moving. Again she was told not to worry so much, that the baby simply didn’t have much room to move around.

“Two days later, I told my husband, Will, that our baby was dead, that all movement had ceased,” said Bast. They drove to the hospital where she delivered a full-term, stillborn girl. They were devastated.

After the loss of her daughter, Bast suffered several early miscarriages before she succeeded in carrying another child without apparent complications until the sixth month. Then the diarrhea began again. A few weeks later, when she again felt very little fetal movement, her new, high-risk obstetrician performed an emergency caesarian section. Her premature, 3-pound baby—another girl—survived and eventually thrived.

Several years and many doctors later, Bast was diagnosed with celiac disease. Could the disease be responsible for her miscarriages and stillborn baby? According to what she learned during a lecture at the 9th International Symposium on Celiac Disease in 2000, the answer was yes. The discovery prompted Bast to form the National Foundation for Celiac Awareness (NFCA).

Supported by Research

Research suggests an association between untreated celiac disease and reproductive problems, including menstrual disorders, unexplained infertility, recurrent spontaneous abortion, intrauterine growth retardation, and low birth-weight babies.

In several studies, women with celiac disease who consumed a normal diet experienced a shortened reproductive span with delayed onset of menstruation and early menopause, along with more frequent secondary amenorrhea—the temporary or permanent cessation of menstruation in a woman who previously had normal periods. Researchers have found the rate of celiac disease to be 2.5 to 3.5 percent higher among women with unexplained infertility than among women with normal fertility.

Several studies report miscarriage rates to be substantially higher among women with untreated celiac disease than among healthy women, with one study finding the rate of spontaneous abortion to be nearly nine times higher. The incidence of low birth-weight babies is reportedly almost six times higher in women with untreated celiac disease. The risk of intrauterine growth retardation may be increased three-fold.

Women aren’t the only ones to suffer reproductive ills. A study of men with celiac disease found nearly half of them to have hypogonadism, sexual dysfunction, or poor semen quality, resulting in increased infertility.

more of this article at: http://www.celiac.nih.gov/ReproductiveProblems.aspx

(Late response - Just reading my mamasource messages from when I was out of town.)

It sounds like you are worried about two things: 1, since your friend lost her baby, she seems distant; 2, you want a baby and worry whatever happened to her could happen to you.
Coming from a medical background I can say that there are so many different things that could cause the death of a baby en utero that it would be futile to conjecture what happened in this specific case. For your friend to talk directly about what happened may be too painful right now so if you are burning with curiosity about it, wait till she volunteers that information. For your own anxiety about whether this could happen to you, just talk with your OB straightforward and ask him or her to spend some time explaining what contributing factors there are to this kind of thing. In general, nothing the mother did or didn't do would have caused the baby to die any more than anything a mother does (short of alcohol, tobacco, and street drugs) will cause various birth defects. I once saw a film in which the narrator/psychologist explained why we had children with various defects/syndromes by saying that every day God gets a handful of raisins out of a box, throws them out there, and if you get hit in the head with a raisin, you get a child with a problem. Makes perfect sense. Otherwise we are so advanced medically that almost never is a problem en utero missed, nor is a mother uneducated about her need to take care of herself.
Your friend though distant will appreciate little notes of support and small deeds of kindness that don't require anything of her. She will not "get over" it like a cold. The next baby that comes will never "replace" the one she lost. In ten years she will still remember and have moments of sadness and grief. You can just go help fold towels, share a CD with some uplifting music, or offer to take her for lunch or bring one in if she doesn't want to go out. Going out after losing a baby is extremely painful. All the people at the grocery store knew you were pregnant. They may ask where the baby is. It makes you understand why we used to wear black as a sign of mourning so that even strangers could recognize that this person needs to be treated with TLC. You also are feeling grief for her. My prayers and best wishes for you both.

I lost my baby at 18 weeks on Feb 19, 08. I'm still upset over it and I know I'll never be over it. Other than my husband I didn't have anyone around for support. I'm the type of person that shuts down and doesn't want to talk to anyone. BUT it would of been nice if I had a friend that would try to be there for me even if I kept pushing her away! All you can do right now is just let her now that you care about her, and that you are there for her when she is ready to open up. Send her a card, flowers, make her food and take it to her. Even if she doesn't want to talk yet, don't give up and call or e-mail every so often so she'l know you are still around and there for her. Be patient since it may take some time.

As far as you being worried about yourself. Just try not to worry, I know easier said than done. But just try to take very good care of yourself now, and especially when you get pregnant. Stressing isn't going to help you or your future baby anyways, just try to be positive! Best wishes!

Postal mail your friend a note stating I am here for you. And maybe send her a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure. With her grief, she probably does not want to be around expectant mothers at this time. Do not take it personal. At some point, she may come around... but in the mean time, drop her a postal card or e-mail every once in a while stating you are thinking of her.

A., any number of things could happen, but usually don't. Your friend is probably going through such pain and anger - at herself -"what did I do?" at others - "why did their baby live and mine didn't" those kinds of feelings. Continue to reach out and be there for her, maybe just sitting with her, not saying anything, just being with her. Maybe a card like "thinking of you" etc.
Please don't fear your own pregnancy. Most pregnancies are healthy and produce great babies.

A.,
My sister lost her baby in Dec. 2008. They said it was due to "placenta abruption". I found out a week later that a friend lost her baby and it was due to a defiency in chromosomes. I can't remember what she called it but it was something about when the baby stops growing. Another friend recommended a book for my sister to read; "Free to Grieve". I purchased it online for less than $1.00, but the shipping was around $3.00. She said that after she lost her baby reading this book helped her to heal. Pray for her and be there for support if and when she wants it. God Bless you for wanting to help.

There are a variety of things that could happen.. but the one I've seen more than any is that the placenta pulls away from the uterus.

If detected... the baby can be saved, but if it is unknown then the baby passes away.

I have known more cases where the baby was saved and only one where the baby passed away.. the mom went on and had three more children...

I would either a. send her a note in the mail just telling her how you are praying for her and thinking about her and although you don't know what she is feeling you want to be there to listen..
or do both. send her a note.. and you could send her a book through Amazon.. this is a great book that talks about loss
I had four losses -2 tubals and 2 m/c and I read this book for comfort
Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt

Don't give up on her. Let her know you are available, but give her the space she may need too. Everyone grieves differently... Also, just received the new issue of Newsweek yesterday. There is an article towards the back about how parents deal with stillborn births/deaths. I didn't read it, but maybe that may offer some insight.

A., I volunteer and am an Area Coordinator for a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (go to www.nilmdts or www.nowilaymedowntosleep). I won't go into it much here...but there could me many many reasons why she lost her baby...and then she may never know...I ask that you share this site with her and she will be able to connect with other mothers/families who have had similar situations...all these mothers and families have lost babies either during gestation or a stillbirth or only had moments with them prior to their passing post birth. I believe that it would be so helpful to her to share her experiences if and when she feels ready and to be able to read others stories of their grief and how they manuvered throught it and started their healing journey...maybe it can help her start down that path as well. My prayers are with you all...

A.: I lost a child and did the same thing your friend is doing. I was very lucky that I had friends and family to be there when I wanted them to be. I wouldn't return calls, or emails, but it was a HUGE comfort to me to know that they were there if I needed them to be. The one thing I appreciated more than anything in the world is one friend told me, I can't understand or relate to your pain or what you are going through, so I won't say that I can. Just know I am here for you and will listen, cry, let you yell, scream, break things whatever. There were several times that I took her up on that. So just drop her a note letting her know that you are there. When/if she is ever ready to talk to you she will come if she knows that you are there for her. And please do not take it personal if when you and your hubby get pregnant if she doesn't withdraw even more from you. I sure did, I couldn't handle it emotionally.

There are so many things that could have happened, it's not really a good idea to speculate. Many of these are not even known for sure until afterwards.

Once your friend is ready to talk, just be ready to listen. I have had two friends lose their babies past 7 months. Both times, I was also pregnant, so had the extra concern of whether or not they would want me to be around them with such a visible reminder of their loss. What they really wanted was company and friendship. When people stay away, they felt like no one wanted to "catch what they had." I also said a lot of prayers for peace, comfort, and strength for them and their husbands.

One friend lost her baby because the umbilical cord covering did not form completely next to the placenta. When the baby got larger, the pressure on the cord blocked the supply of nutrients and oxygen to the baby. The issue was only diagnosed after the Dr. examined the placenta and cord.

The other friend had sudden bleeding, went to the ER, and they were able to stop it. The next day it started again and the baby didn't survive. It was not placenta separation, and I don't know if they discovered the cause.

In both cases, the ladies were able to have other children as neither issue was genetic. Neither issue was predictable or preventable. That's what makes these first days and weeks so hard for your friend. She may have questions that she desperately wants answered and there are no easy answers. Stick by her, check on her often even though she won't respond right away. Send a card or note, a poem, or something you think would be supportive. Even if she can't answer right now, she'll know you care and appreciate the effort to support her.

I am with the some of the other posts. So many things could have happened to your friends baby that we could sit and speculate all day long. This is such a very hard thing to deal with. Keep reaching out to your friend, like the others suggested. It is going to be quite some time until she is really going to be up for a vist but keep trying. Let her know that you care and are there. She needs her friends right now even if she seems to be shutting everyone out. Just think of simple acts you could do for her. Maybe take a couple of flowers over to her house to brighten up the room or take some homemade brownies or soup. I think it is important to keep on trying to reach her. Hang in there. Good luck on your getting pregnant. Try not to think about the what ifs for yourself. You could drive yourself to great anxiety with the worries.
C.

A few years ago I had a hairdresser that was pregnant - pretty far along. She did my highlights; so I only saw her every 6 months. By the time I saw her next time she would have had her baby; and the baby would have been a few months old. I asked her how the baby was doing at my next appointment b/c she didn't have a belly anymore and assumed everything was fine b/c she was so far along the last time that I had seen her. She told me that the baby was born stillborn. My heart dropped for her and I felt horrible that I had even asked the question. She never explained to me what happened; I never asked. I can only know how it is to lose a baby at 7-8 weeks (I had a miscarriage). Thankfully, I don't know what it would be like much further along. I agree with some of the other posts - send her a card with sympathy. I know she will appreciate it even if you don't hear from her for a while. Maybe it is too painful to discuss even with a close friend. Plus she may feel uncomfortable discussing with someone that is trying for a baby or does not have one. You just never know. You seem like a very nice friend.

Dear A. G.,
I have no idea what could've gone wrong, but the best thing for her right now is lots of prayer and someone who can empathize with her (someone who has lost a baby before). She needs God to heal that hurt and fill that lost void with His love and peace.
I will keep her in my prayers and ask God to do a quick thing in her life so she can go on and of course try again once the healing has taken place.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but sometimes God takes us through things because He's trying to show us something. He wants us to see another side of Him. That side we never saw before. The bible says, "All things work together for her good". She's gonna come out on top and give God the glory! God has to be her refuge in this season of her life because He's the only one that can make her whole again, there are no substitutes. He'll make it right and will fill her with His love and mend her broken heart.
So sorry for her lost, I wish no one would experience anything like that!
S.