What Age Should the Parents Stop Setting up Play Dates?

At 10, my son is in charge of his own social life.
I *will* suggest, "hey wanna have XYZ over? You haven't seen him in awhile."

(And he'd die if I used the term "play date"! It's "hang out"! Lol)

My boys have been setting up their own play dates since around grade one. They discuss their plans at school, then phone their friends from home, and then ask for permission. The parents usually only talk to iron out details such as drop off and pick up times, or cost of outings etc. I will sometimes suggest my boys invite a particular friend over if they haven't in a while, but it is ultimately up to them who they play with.

I take a backseat to the kids (my youngers are 7 & 9) but if I notice that they haven't made arrangements with an old friend, I'll say "hey, you know who I haven't seen in a while? Jack! You should invite him over, you haven't seen him in forever!" and usually if they still feel good about that friend and nothing has happened between them that I don't know about, they'll agree and go ahead and arrange something. A new friend shines up like a new penny and can capture all of a child's attention, but as that old girlscouts song goes, "make new friends, but keep the old..." Sometimes they need a little prompting to remember an old friend.

This may mean that you need to allow for an extra playdate in a week. If she's allowed only one and is in a good pattern with her new friend, then you don't want her to feel like seeing her old friend means giving up a weekly playtime with her new friend. If you make it an "and" instead of an "or" she may jump all over that chance and rekindle that friendship. Once a week is kind of limiting and will set her up to only nurture one friendship at a time, and she's going to need to expand her social circle a bit to survive the hot and cold social ebb and flow of the tween years.

Some friendships do run their course, but my two older kids (15 & 16) have some friends who have been in their lives since pre-school and Kindergarten. They haven't all been steady BFFs year in and year out, but it does crack me up to see them circling back to the same kids over and over as the years go by, and it's nice because these are families who I know well and trust.

never hurts to suggest something 'hey! we haven't seen X around for a while. shall we give her a call?'
but i wouldn't take the lead, nor push her in any particular direction. if X's mom wants 'em to hang out more she can take the lead, not guilt-trip you. it's not nor should it be your job to shoo your daughter into keeping up the friendship.
maybe things have changed, but my 10 year old boys would have DIED if i'd referred to their get-togethers with friends as 'playdates.'
khairete
S.

I think kids don't need parents to set up play dates once they start school.

If the friend invites your daughter to come over to hang out then she can go or not. But it isn't something the parents arrange any more.

Your daughter is old enough to choose. I haven't arranged a play date....ever. I think that children should choose their own friends at any age, and am willing to facilitate and foster those friendships when my kids ask for assistance.

If X is so upset, why doesn't her mom invite your daughter over for a play date? I can understand why you don't want to initiate it if your daughter doesn't ask to play with her. But, I don't see why they can't have play dates.

I think it's great that your daughter is branching out and making new friends. It's important to have more than just one close friend. But, if she's been good friends with the other girl for five years, do you really want to let that go? Is there a reason you aren't encouraging your daughter to do some play dates with Y and some with X?

Anyway, if X really wants to play with your daughter, her mom should set something up with you. Just make sure your daughter doesn't lose her best friend just because they aren't in the same class this year.

I let my dd set up her own, but I usually have to confirm with the parent because most of her close friends are not in walking distance.

You might encourage your dd to stay in touch with the X friend. It's never a good idea to limit your social circle too much. Shy kids tend to latch on to one person they feel comfortable with, and that can lead to problems if there is ever a conflict or if that friend moves away. This can be very isolating. You might suggest, "why don't we invite X to go swimming this weekend" or whatever.

I'm with Gamma on this one. Teach your daughter how to use the phone so she can call her own friends and set up times to get together. Please don't use "play dates" for a child that is 10. Of course your child will still need to ask for permission from you, but she should be taking control of her own social schedule.

Once our daughters started using the phone, a lot of kids started doing it. I'm still surprised though, by the number of kids that have absolutely no phone etiquette. Parents, teach you kids how to use the phone!

Updated

I'm with Gamma on this one. Teach your daughter how to use the phone so she can call her own friends and set up times to get together. Please don't use "play dates" for a child that is 10. Of course your child will still need to ask for permission from you, but she should be taking control of her own social schedule.

Once our daughters started using the phone, a lot of kids started doing it. I'm still surprised though, by the number of kids that have absolutely no phone etiquette. Parents, teach you kids how to use the phone!

Does your daughter complain when you set up play dates with X? If not, then I see no problem.

It's not like they are 15 and you are setting this up.

Way old enough to pick her own friends.
Many blessings

Yep, X's mom and X should be calling to initiate some get-togethers themselves; however it wouldn't hurt for you to ask your daughter, "Hey, what about doing something with X?" Your child is likely in the throes of wanting to do tons with Y because, well, Y is new and interesting and diffferent, but that does not mean she should dump X. She will remember, if encouraged, that X has things in common with her. Encourage it. Your child is shy and might tend to focus hard one her ONE good friend at a time; that is fine but it can't hurt to keep up with X. Your child will not be as close to X but there's nothing wrong with suggesting that they catch up. My girl is 12, very social, but also asks at times about seeing old friends she hasn't seen in years.

While it's fine for kids to call to set stuff up -- they still have to clear it with the parents; you still have to drive them places; parents still have to coordinate schedules that kids might not know about. A kid even of nearly 13, like mine, still has to clear things and ask about our family schedule. And kids are SO busy -- scouts, sports, dance, after-school programs, church, family stuff -- that frankly they do not always know where they're bound each week, so I do not see letting kids simply do all their own arranging and telling parents "You're driving me to Y's house at 3 on Saturday." That doesn't work around here with kids' busy schedules; I'd end up with Y's mom calling to say, "Ooops, Y didn't realize she has an extra karate class that afternoon when she said yes" or "She said yes but we have to be somewhere as a family." Better for kids to learn to come up with an idea for time/location, clear with parents, then call. And I really don't care if I make the approach, especially if it's something like taking the other kid somewhere with us and not just being at the house. Other moms and I are pretty mellow about "hey, can Sally come with us to dinner and a movie" and so on but yeah, the parents do make those kinds of arrangements, and our kids are older than yours.

I wonder... Would it be possible to invite X AND Y over together once in a while?not every week, but maybe one week Y, one week X, and the third week both. Or arrange with X's mom to have a play date at her house or the park.

If not, I do think it is best to allow your daughter to pick who she wants to play with. I might mention to her that she hasn't seen X in a while, or let her know that X's mom called and said that X misses her. (Though, here you want to be careful not to guilt her into inviting X...)

As for X's mom... Just tell her that you have a standing rule of one play date a week, and that your daughter gets to pick who comes over. Then go on to tell her that you will pass along the message about how much X misses her.

I don't like the whole "playdate" idea. If I have a friend with a kid close in age to that of my young kid, then maybe we bring the kids along when we get together. Period. Once kids are old enough to meet other kids, then I think that they should get to choose who their friends are. If you happen to know someone with a kid of similar age and you want them to meet and check each other out, then make a date with your friend and bring the kids along. I am not a fan of pushing kids off on strangers. If they get on, great, but I won't be trying to create a love connection. I never understood setting kids up with the chldren of strangers, anyway. Why would someone do that at any age?

When they get old enough to call a friend themselves is when we tapered off. I forget when...SD would call a friend by about 8 yrs old and she/her friend would ask their respective parents. Then the parents would say yes or no and determine transportation, if required.

Now, in this case, I would ask my DD if she would also like to have X over, or you can arrange for both families to have a visit. My DD had a set of twins for friends, but as time went on, they got into preschool somewhere else, they started other activities, etc. I told DD that sometimes people just don't hang out anymore and that she is not a bad person, but they are doing different things. She doesn't ask to see them anymore.

The flip side is that the mom of X needs to talk to her about being heartbroken. Tween friendships are very mercurial. If she has no contact with your DD, then your DD may have no idea and the girls are old enough to call and chat if they want to.

Your husband is right on point with this one. X's mom is free to invite your daughter over to engage with her child if she is so concerned. However I wouldn't necessarily encourage this. These friends need to work things out. There is no crime in a once viable friendship coming to an end. Over a lifetime there will be plenty of friendships that don't withstand the test of time. It's OK.

Arranging playdates for kids is something I did with my kids when they were up to age 7. Beyond that their activities, interests and temperment would determine mostly but not totally their spending time with friends. Which is no longer called playdates but hanging out.

As others have mentioned even the term "playdate" for a 10 year old would not go over well in my house.

I do however talk to my girls about their friends and social choices. I've always encouraged them to hang out with more than just one BFF. Nothing wrong with mentioning the old friend to your daughter and asking if she'd like to have her over.

Sorry, if this sounds harsh but I have never "set up a play date" for my kids. I let them pick their own friends. If Xs Mom kept calling, and I had a pretty friendly relationship with her, I would just say that we've been busy and maybe set up a time to meet for lunch or something. Kids will change friends all throughout school and they need to learn how to deal with that. Maybe Xs Mom needs to explain this to her. While she might be hurt that your daughter has met a new friend, her Mom could put her in some other activities/church to help her find friends.

By the age of 10 (actually younger), my daughter was running her own social life. (Play dates are for preschool)

The girls would make plans themselves, then run it by the moms to get approval and arrange transportation if needed. Sometimes they would take turns at someone's home, sometimes they would go to the neighborhood park where there were a lot of neighborhood children out and about, etc.

There is no reason your daughter should limit herself to 1 or 2 friends. My daughter would get together with several friends from different areas of her activities. We made sure she was active and school friends were not the only friends she had. She had friends from martial arts, cheer, orchestra and school.

I think it is time to take a back seat and leave things to your daughter to plan and let her run it by you for approval. She needs to establish some independence and responsibility now because middle school is around the corner and that is a whole new ballgame!

Best wishes!

In your case, now sounds like a good time. ;)

My daughter is 12 and in 7th grade. I have let her take the lead for a few years now. I still speak directly with a parent to confirm things, but I let her decide what she is interested in and with whom. Then I give approval or not, and verify with the other party's parent about details. The more I get to know the parents, the more I let her make the actual arrangements with my direction (find out if you need to eat before you go, what do you need to bring with you, do you need money, what time do you need to be picked up, etc).

If your daughter is more interested in Y, then let her go that way. If X's mom is that concerned, then she should help X to be more assertive about it. X can call your daughter on the phone, right? Does she still see her at school on the playground so they can talk/hang out? X's mom can let her daughter extend invitations to your daughter...

I'm not clear why you feel like YOU need to invite X over to play with your daughter. Let X invite your daughter, and then see if your daughter is still interested. She may not be. Perhaps their friendship was only ever based on familiarity and not real commonality in the first place. Who knows.

---eta
Speaking of "who knows"... your daughter does. Have you asked her if she would like to invite X over? Or both girls together? Or if she has considered how X might feel about suddenly not playing together after school? Those are all valid and needed conversations. Whether you "push" a playdate or not.

At this age girls are learning to be mean. Do not get all three girls together as some mom suggested. Threesomes don't work. Your daughter may be the one left out if the other two bond.

However, imagine how hurt X must be and put your daughter in that position and how hurt you'd be. Invite X over once a month. Be a role model.

I don't know - my daughter is the same and we still arrange get togethers. but she won't use the phone at all. Also, my two best friends are the mothers of her two best friends as well as the sisters of my son's two best friends. So yes, our play dates are all in the family. Even the husbands are good friends of my husband. So we will probably continue to do this all through the teen years...

I would be honest with X's mom and tell her its been hard on your daughter when they are not in the same class, church and/or outside activities, so she has been forced to find other friends, and she has. I would ask your daughter if she still wants to hang out with X on occasion, and if so, then yes, I would make the arrangements. It isn't fair to X either that her parents switched churches, she's in a different class and other activities away from your daughter. But your daughter is old enough to choose. So if she wants to still see X, I would make it happen, if not, I would be honest with the mom. Good luck.

Definitely by the age of 10! Would you want your mom to pick your friends? Neither does your daughter. Tell X's mom that X is welcome to call your daughter to see if she wants to play, but the decision is up to your daughter. You cannot force a friendship.